Back to compassion again

A couple weeks ago, I heard a sermon about shame—urging us to let go of it so we can walk freely and fully as the people we were created to be. It was a good reminder to not get bound up in any old (or new) tapes that make us feel badly about who we are.

Then just a couple days ago, someone pointed out that Monica Lewinsky (remember her as the White House intern who was involved with President Bill Clinton?) had done a TED talk about that very topic. It is about shaming and bullying, both of which she experienced in a big way. Clearly, she has done a lot of inner work since that 1998 experience.

Among other things, Lewinsky said, "Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop. ...We need to return to our long-held value of compassion." Amen to that. Today there is so much name-calling, so many put-downs, so much bullying that's done 24/7 because of all the digital access we have to one another now. Incivility is rampant.

But here's the deal: Each one of us can do something about it. We can stop reacting with our own form of bullying and shaming. We can call it out when we see or hear it. We can restore compassion to our lives so that it ripples out to all those around us. We can have compassion for ourselves when we mess up, and we can show compassion to all others we meet (and those we don't meet but with whom we have access via digital means).

If you would like to hear the full TED talk, which is worth watching, click on the link I've provided here.

So here's to more compassion and less shaming and bullying!

No more shame or silence

Actor Michael J. Fox has lived with Parkinson's disease for more than two decades already. Recently AARP The Magazine featured an article about how he's thriving as he lives with the disease.

Fox himself gave six rules for surviving adversity. One especially struck me:

"Don't remain silent or ashamed about illness. Once Fox went public with his condition, he says, 'it was empowering to have people understand what I was going through—I immediately felt better.'"

Empowering! Yes! Sometimes our tendency is to keep such things to ourselves or tell only those in our most immediate circle. But the more Fox shared with others, the more support and love he got. The stronger he felt, and the more agency and personal power he took back. And the more it encouraged others to share their illnesses or woes and find support as well. So much is to be gained by openness.

When it comes to removing the stigma of some diseases—and particularly of mental illness—this is especially true. Until we bring them out into the light of day, they'll live in the darkness of secrecy and shame. No one wins when that happens.

Let go of guilt and shame

I have had several clients through the years who have shared their feelings of guilt or shame over things they have done or not done. For my money, I find those two emotions unproductive.

Here's the thing: If you have done something to hurt someone else, think about what you need to do to remedy the situation. Apologize, make reparations, change behavior as needed—and then let go. If you simply feel guilty or ashamed and do nothing about it, you will be drained of energy, confidence and joy. And that's what you'll be passing around to others who are in your presence. So how does that help you or those around you?

Often the shame is less about a specific situation than a generalized feeling about not being "enough." Not being good enough, kind enough, thoughtful enough. Perhaps you think you didn't treat your parents as well as you might have wished. Or your children. Stewing over it years later doesn't fix anything. Rather, it holds you back from living a happy, healthy life now.

See whether you can release the guilt and shame. It may not happen overnight. But bit by bit, you can choose to examine the guilt to see whether there's any basis to your feeling that you've come up short—and then forgive yourself. Let go. Forgive yourself again. Let go again. And change whatever needs changing so your life can be productive, happy and healthy going forward.