Here's to your health

Do you exercise regularly? We keep hearing how important it is for all of us to do this on a daily basis if we want to remain healthy. For several years, I've fairly faithfully kept up an exercise regimen. But lately, with some additional stressors in my life and a couple of aches and pains that meant a change of my regular routine, I've become more lax.

So it was good news when I read something in a magazine that reminded me that exercise need not come in 30-minute or 60-minute segments to be helpful—but that intervals throughout the day still help our bodies. It's said that we may get the same blood pressure, cholesterol and waistline benefits if we sprinkle bits of exercise throughout the day.

So if you're waiting on the phone (perhaps listening to the awful elevator music some companies play while you wait for customer service!), do some stretches, tighten your stomach muscles 10 times or rise up on your toes and squeeze your calves 10 times. When you're watching TV, do some leg circles or get on the floor and do some leg lifts. While cooking, do a few knee bends as you stir the pot.

You get the idea. Give up guilt and work in what you can. It'll be healthier all around for you!

Let go of guilt and shame

I have had several clients through the years who have shared their feelings of guilt or shame over things they have done or not done. For my money, I find those two emotions unproductive.

Here's the thing: If you have done something to hurt someone else, think about what you need to do to remedy the situation. Apologize, make reparations, change behavior as needed—and then let go. If you simply feel guilty or ashamed and do nothing about it, you will be drained of energy, confidence and joy. And that's what you'll be passing around to others who are in your presence. So how does that help you or those around you?

Often the shame is less about a specific situation than a generalized feeling about not being "enough." Not being good enough, kind enough, thoughtful enough. Perhaps you think you didn't treat your parents as well as you might have wished. Or your children. Stewing over it years later doesn't fix anything. Rather, it holds you back from living a happy, healthy life now.

See whether you can release the guilt and shame. It may not happen overnight. But bit by bit, you can choose to examine the guilt to see whether there's any basis to your feeling that you've come up short—and then forgive yourself. Let go. Forgive yourself again. Let go again. And change whatever needs changing so your life can be productive, happy and healthy going forward.

Let go of the guilt

Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself? When you take time to just "be"? Or time to take a nap? Or read a book—gasp, in the middle of the day?!

Most of us grew up with an extremely strong work ethic. This can be a good thing, right? We've been productive and focused for so long. It's gotten us through so much—careers, perhaps raising families, volunteer opportunities and just plain getting daily tasks done.

But does it have to be either/or? If you actually take time out to luxuriate in just being, does that mean you're a slacker? Hardly. If you take a nap, does that mean you're lazy? No.

I still deal with some guilt over these things. In my head, I know this is crazy ... and I need to let up on myself. I need to let my inner "drill sergeant" move from being boss to simply being an employee! I need to move another aspect of myself to the head of my inner table—the Sonia who isn't into either/or thinking but into both/and thinking. I can be productive AND I can take time to just "be" and to luxuriate in that. And I need to let go of the guilt that still lurks.

How about you?

Keep personal boundaries

I can think of times when I let someone talk me into doing something I really didn't have time nor inclination to do. I did it out of guilt. Later, I just felt resentful. And I know I didn't do my best at the task I had agreed to take on. Have you ever had that happen to you?

That's a boundary issue. How good are you at maintaining your personal boundaries? Do you often say "Yes" rather than "No" because you fear the person asking you won't like you anymore or will think less of you? Do you take on more than you should because "someone has to do it, and it might as well be me"? Do you care-take others to soothe your guilt? Or simply because that's what you've been raised to do?

Boundary issues can show up in many forms. Having good clear boundaries certainly doesn't mean you never compromise with others to get a job done. It doesn't mean you never, ever do something you'd rather not do. But it does mean making clear choices and being honest, especially with yourself, about your motivation for doing so. If you choose to say "Yes" to something, knowing you'd rather not, at least it's an intentional choice and you know what's going on. However, if you automatically say "Yes" to everything you get asked to do without ever thinking about your motivation or about how you'll feel later, that could signal a problem.

Because relationships, whether at home, at work or in some other place, involve a sort of dance between the people involved, when you change your usual behavior or your part of the dance, it necessarily means others have to make changes, too. So if you tighten up your boundaries, expect a bit of resistance from others. Don't let that keep you from making healthy boundary changes, though.

If this is an issue on which you'd like to work, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session to explore your options.

Are your N.Y. resolutions dead?

Did you make any New Year resolutions this year? Do you still remember them? How are you doing in keeping them?

It’s been two months since you made them—if you did. If you are keeping them, kudos to you!

If you aren’t, I hope you aren’t beating yourself up for that.

Here’s a better idea: Decide whether there are any parts of those resolutions that you still care deeply about. Choose one or two things to make as goals for the coming months. Chunk those goals down into manageable action steps.

Remember, keep it simple. And above all, do not beat yourself up. Guilt and shame aren’t very good motivators. Better to just make S.M.A.R.T. goals about which you really care—things for which you really long.

S.M.A.R.T. goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. Be very specific and be very realistic. You don’t want to set yourself up for failure. And be sure these are things you want—not what someone else says you need!

Pin up your action plan in a place where you’ll see it each day. And remember to revise the plan when it doesn’t seem workable. Share your thoughts with us, along with any tips you’ve discovered along the way.

Ever feel selfish?

One of my clients told me that she felt selfish for wanting to take time to focus on her life—to stop and re-evaluate what she’s done, where she’s headed, what gifts she has, what dreams she carries, and what she should do next with her life.

My first reaction was, “No, no, no, that’s not at all selfish.” I didn’t say that … because where she is, is where she is. But I did invite her to consider the alternative—continuing her journey with no thought to what fit or didn’t fit for her anymore.

I’ve been in that place myself. Have you? I won’t forget my inner struggles following my divorce—when I first began to think about what I wanted and what I should do next. I had spent so many years thinking about what my husband and children wanted and needed, and what others in my life and in my community needed. And I really had no idea what I wanted.

Guilt—and feeling selfish
Furthermore, I felt extremely selfish (and guilty) for taking time to focus on my wants and needs—on my hopes and dreams. It’s easy for us as women to hear that message: Put others first. Put your own needs on the back burner. After all, that’s more “feminine,” we’ve perhaps been told.

I needed time—and the help of others—to work through that guilt, and dump it. How grateful I am that I took the time to struggle with that feeling—and that I moved ahead to express my hopes and dreams. A side benefit: My three sons also benefited from me focusing on my wants and needs; that meant they had a mother who was happy and fulfilled, a mother who served as an even better role model for them.

What words of wisdom do you have for women who feel guilty or selfish for tending to their own needs and nourishing their own dreams? I’d love to hear your experiences and ideas in the Comment box below.

Is self-care a priority?

When your life gets really chaotic, is self-care one of the first things to drop off your to-do list? Be honest now.

I confess that, as much as I’ve come to value self-care, I still allow that to happen sometimes. The to-do list is long, I am trying to meet deadlines and obligations, and I think, “Well, maybe I can just skip exercising today.” Or “Gee, maybe I don’t have time to fix that healthy salad for lunch. Let me just grab something quick from the frig.” Maybe it’s, “What? Quiet time (or time with my friend)? Wow, I have way too much to do today. I’ve got to stick to my list.”

Or here’s another reaction I’ve used sometimes: I will take that time for self-care and then I’ll feel guilty that I did. I’ll beat up on myself, thinking I should have used that time to get my work done. Do you ever do that? “Should” on yourself? “I should have done this.” “I should have done that.”

You’re worth it
Let me encourage you (and myself!) right here and now to get your priorities straight! Take that time for self-care, whatever that means for you. That may mean a spa treatment, coffee with a friend, regular exercise, a good soak in the tub, a good night’s sleep regularly, or perhaps just quiet time at the end of the day. Whatever relaxes or re-energizes you, go for it. You absolutely are worth it.

And whatever is on your to-do list, that’ll most likely get done in less time and with better spirits if you do take the time for self-care. Even if it doesn’t get done when you had hoped, no doubt it’ll be there waiting for you.

It’s so easy to put yourself last. Give your all at work. Give to your partner, kids and friends. And if there’s anything left (often, there isn’t!), you get something. What if you did what we’re told to do on flights: Put your oxygen mask on first and then help someone else put theirs on? What if you fill your cup? Maybe then you’ll have enough to share with others.

I invite you to share your best self-care tip with us. What do you keep as an absolute priority? And what does that do for you?