Shed that pain

My November ezine put forward the thought that when we don't work through our painful experiences to transform that pain, we end up transmitting that pain to others. When our hurts and pain are buried deeply inside us, they still manage to seep out and affect our words and behavior toward others. Sometimes the pain does more than seep—it can explode.

Poet and author Mark Nepo puts it in a different way, but it's essentially the same thing. Here's what he says in his book Inside the Miracle: Enduring Suffering, Approaching Wholeness:

"As we struggle with all we carry, we discover that what is not ex-pressed is de-pressed. It seems the more we express, that is bring out what is in, the more alive we are. The more we give voice to our pain in living, the less buildup we have and so, our inner life fits our outer life more fully."

Nepo says, too, that expressing our pain isn't limited to verbal expressions but can also be done through movement, singing, drumming, dancing or even praying silently. It's simply getting out what is inside!

So shed that pain. Let go. Express it. Let it be transformed. But above all, don't hang onto it and don't shove it down—it won't stay down. Let it out and feel the huge weight fall off your shoulders. Fly free like the beautiful butterfly!

Control as illusion

Have you ever tried making a list of the things in your life that you actually control? If you haven't ever tried this, do so now, just for fun.

How long is the list? In retrospect, are there even some things you want to cross off that list as you give it more thought? Did it just get far shorter yet?

It is true that we like to think we're in control of a good deal in our lives. But think about it honestly—are you really able to control much of what happens?

When we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that about the only thing really in our control is how we respond to what happens to us. Try as we might to keep things under control, "stuff" still happens and we have to resort to Plan B, C, D or even X and Z! And for that matter, even how we respond isn't always something we control. Some of that is knee-jerk and may have been programmed into us at a very young age.

It's humbling and necessary to get past the idea that we're in control. It can also prevent a good deal of frustration, anger and resentment. Again, it's a matter of letting go of some illusions. We can learn to be more flexible and to acknowledge that we're really not in charge. We can go with the flow more often; and through it all, we can learn to be more grace-filled and accepting of others as we recognize that we're all just trying to do our best to get by.

'I am loved'

I recently saw a journal exercise that would be fun to try. First, you are asked to list the ways you think someone you love would describe you. Second, you then go to them and ask them to list their favorite elements of who you are. Then compare their list to yours. In the exercise instructions, you are invited to not be shy, because "it will make them so happy to tell you why they love you!"

Are you willing to try this? Often, we think others would let us down if we tried such an exercise. We think others see us as we see ourselves—and who is harder on us than our very self?! In truth, such an exercise might make the other person happy. But it surely would make us happy, too—that is, if we can suspend our disbelief and self-doubt long enough to really believe the other person is sincere.

Sometimes we do a real number on ourselves and think of someone who compliments us, "Oh, they have to say that" or "They're just saying that; they really don't mean it." We don't think we're worthy of love.

Make it a point today to let go of that kind of thinking. Shed those old tapes that tell you that you aren't worth loving. Believe people when they say they love you. Believe in your own lovability!! Remind yourself every day that you are lovable. Repeat to yourself, "I am loved, and I am worthy of love." For letting go of the old negative messages is only half the equation; the other half is to fill your head space with new, positive tapes!

Anger's good side

It's clear to me that there's a large amount of anger in our country right now. And no wonder, really. We are experiencing many changes—in our economy, in what we consider "civil discourse," in norms that we'd come to expect (for example, that it was safe to go to the mall or a theater), in some of our institutions and so much more. And many people still struggle to replace lost jobs and income, to get by on less and to hang onto what they consider "the American dream." Add to that all our personal struggles with illness, career, relationships and more—and it's no surprise we experience anger.

Anger in and of itself is not bad. Anger is a necessary emotion, in fact. It can remind us that we've just witnessed or experienced injustice, and so it can serve as a call to action. It can protect us, reminding us of danger and the need to create safety and boundaries. Anger often has messages for us. It may flag to us that we have some unresolved grief and loss issues, things we've not acknowledged or grieved yet. For example, I just read about a woman who had completely buried her grief and pain about being raped 50 years ago (at a time when she knew she'd likely be re-victimized if she talked about it to anyone).

What we do with anger is what's important. Notice it. Acknowledge it. See what lessons might be learned from the anger. Do you have grief you've not faced yet, for example? Is it telling you that you need better boundaries with someone in your life? Once you have gleaned the lessons, let go, let go, let go of the anger. You definitely do not need it anymore. It'll be a ball-and-chain if you hang onto it.

It's essential that we learn to deal openly and healthily with our anger—not that we suppress it but also not that we use it to lash out at others. It needs to be processed. And then, shed.

Regaining balance

 My sister and I have been battling since last fall with a financial institution over a long-term care insurance claim for a family member who has dementia. The first two attempts at a claim were denied on the basis of this not being a "chronic illness"!! Seriously. We were not about to give up, however, since the contract clearly stated that assisted living costs were covered for "cognitive impairment," which dementia certainly is. Sorry, folks, but it is chronic.

We provided all manner of proof—doctor's statements, neurologist reports, results from a battery of neuropsych tests, a care plan by the assisted living facility stating all the staff needed to do to assist with daily living, etc. By the third time we made the claim, we even involved a lawyer. Even so, we had to wait for nearly 3 months to finally receive notice that the claim was accepted. Not only did the company finally agree to pay but, per our request (though we dared not hope for this), made it retroactive to the time of our first claim.

So let's hear it for tenacity and persistence. That said, however, I was reminded a few days ago by a care practitioner that when we have fought so long for something, it's difficult to let go and get out of the "fight or flight" mode. I am definitely learning that. I celebrate this win and at the same time, I am still feeling that sense of high alert. This practitioner said it can take a while to reach homeostasis after such a long struggle. That was a good reminder.

If you have some ongoing stressful situation that's required you to struggle for something or against something, just remember this. Don't think something is wrong with you if you can't immediately let go of the situation. Take some deep breaths ... and slowly, let your body and mind relax again. You will regain your balance. It just takes time. And it does help to talk about it with others. Please contact me if you need to discuss this type of thing with someone.

Dreams & fears

This is the month for graduations. I have one grandson graduating from college next week and one granddaughter graduating from high school next week, too. Both of them are filled with dreams of what their future might contain. Understandably, it's an extremely exciting time for them both—and for all graduates. Frightening, too, no doubt, as they face unknown futures.

That doesn't really change as we age, does it? We still have dreams. We carry excitement about things that lie ahead of us. We also face fears about what the future might bring.

Do you have dreams that are waiting for you to put some legs on them? Go ahead—reach out and grab hold of them. Make them happen.

Do you also feel fearful about what the future could bring? Perhaps questions about finances or about potential illnesses or decline? Don't be afraid of those questions. Face them head-on, do what you can to alleviate the concerns and then try to let go of the outcome if there's nothing more you can do.

Remember the saying, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

What's calling you?

Ah, it's that wonderful time of year, where I live anyway, when winter finally truly lets go and allows spring to enter the door. Flowers are starting to flout their colors. Birds are singing. And in just another day or two, I should see amazing hummingbirds at my feeder. Rebirth. It's such an exciting time of year—and all the more so this year, it seems, because we waited extra long for it to arrive.

It makes me reflect on what in my life could use renewal and new birth. I don't yet know what's ahead for me, but it's always good to ponder what might be. What could use my attention? What's calling to me now? Do I need to make any changes, either in direction or in attitude? Is it time for something new to blossom and bloom? Or perhaps it's time to clean out something in my life, whether physical or emotional? To declutter and let go?

How about you? What does spring call forth in you?

Let go—let life unfold

I have spent way too much of my life worrying about things that never come to pass. It's generally a waste of good time to worry about things. That said, it's not easy to completely let go of worry. However, it's worthwhile to keep trying. I often have to remind myself: Sonia, let it go. Your worrying about this will not change the outcome. Most likely, your fears will not come to pass, Sonia.

More and more, I've come to like the word "unfold." Life will unfold. Situations will unfold. That doesn't mean that we don't face choices on which path to take or how to react to life situations. We do have choice in several matters. But we really are not in control of most things, much as we want to believe that we are.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, said this:

"Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Enormous effort can be involved, but it is a graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort, a doerless doing."

What do you think about this? Are you able to let go and let life unfold?

Avoid dwelling on problems

When you face a problem in your life, do you tend to dwell on it, obsessing constantly and worrying about it? Do you become so anxious that you can't even see solutions easily? This can cause sleeplessness, either overeating or not eating at all, irritability, depression and isolation.

Dwelling on our issues tends to make us even more anxious. It can seriously impair our ability to think of and create solutions, and it can damage our decision-making capability. Anxiety does not make for creativity and clear-headed thinking.

Try just walking away from the problem for a while. Give yourself some diversionary time. Move on to something else. Spend time with a hobby. Take time out with friends or loved ones. Engage in a physical activity you enjoy. Just let the issue go for a while.

Generally, you'll return to the problem with fresh eyes and far more creativity to seek solutions. And most likely, you'll have renewed energy to move into action toward a solution. You might even think of enlisting the help of someone else to seek a solution.

Let go of anxiety and fear. Be good to yourself—and refuel your brain in ways that refresh and renew you. Try self-care instead of worry!

Living between two delights

Letting go is one of the primary tasks of people in the second half of life. By that time, we have gathered so much material "stuff," and we have also gathered a good deal of internal "stuff"—anger, old resentments, things unforgiven and held tightly for years, old behaviors that no longer work (perhaps never did) and so much more.

Letting go is easier for some people than for others. But it's not necessarily easy for anyone. Take a look today and see what you might be holding onto that could be weighing you down or holding you back. Think how great it will feel to let go of some of that—to simply let some things fall away. 

Author Phillip Harnden says this: "We take delight in things; we take delight in being loosed from things. Between these two delights, we must dance our lives."

Yes! It is both/and, isn't it? And somewhere between those two things, we live. Perhaps today is a good day for you to examine where on that line between you wish to cast your lot for now! From what can you be loosed?

Let retirement unfold

I know several people who are contemplating retirement in the near future. Several of them are worried about what retirement will hold. They're worried about having no purpose and no structure to their days. Some are afraid they'll grow lazy and soft.

Since I was reduced-in-force from my job, I didn't get to choose my own retirement date. However, what I found was that it was really important to simply let go of control for a while and let the process unfold. I discovered, too, that I needed time to grieve what was before I could move on to what was going to be. And that isn't just true if you have lost your job. It's also the case when you've made your own choice about when to leave. Grief work is just as important when you lose things by choice as it is when it's not your choice.

Some people know exactly how their day will look on Day One of their retirement. For my money, that's a tad too much control. Just as farm land needs occasional fallow time between plantings so it can replenish, so we need time to be re-energized and replenished when we make major life changes such as this. We need time to process where we've been, who we were in that other life and career, who we will be going forward and how we truly want to spend our time.

Some things simply need to simmer a while before they're ready. Retirement planning is one of those things, in my humble opinion. If you are facing retirement and wish to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

About that cocoon...

The caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly transformation process is quite amazing. What seems like dying really is new life. But here's the deal: It wouldn't be new life if the butterfly didn't work its way out of the cocoon when the time is right.

We, too, have things in our lives that represent cocoons. And you simply cannot fly and be your best self if you don't leave the cocoon behind.

What's your cocoon? Are you stuck in a situation that you really should leave behind and from which you should fly away? It might be a job that is killing your spirit or a relationship that's dragging you down or doing you harm. It might be your own unhealthy behaviors, things that need changing. Or it could be old tapes and messages that hold you back and keep you stuck. It might be your negative attitudes about yourself or about life in general. It could even be losses that you haven't ever grieved that are piling up inside and constricting your heart.

There are so many things that can become a cocoon. It's good to check periodically and see whether you are stuck and need to break free. Now's a good time to do so! Let go, let go, let go.

Moving on

Last week I learned that someone is leaving a group of which I'm part because she no longer feels comfortable, accepted and heard there. I'm really sad about that—and want to do all I can to be sure this group that I so value is open to all voices.

All of that said, however, I do also firmly believe that there are times when a person has to follow her heart and conscience and move on. I've had to do that myself on occasion. It's always a tough decision to let go of something that once was meaningful—and particularly, of the people who once felt like my tribe. I also know the new opportunities that can arise once I have let go of a situation or group and moved on.

Do you have anything in your life right now that requires a second look? Or that might lead you to let go and leave a person or a group? Don't be afraid to step out into something new. Or even to step out into the unknown temporarily.

A caterpillar can be our example: When the caterpillar enters a cocoon, it seems like dying. However, as we know, it's simply the gateway to an exciting new life form—a butterfly that soars above the flowers rather than crawling along the ground or among the leaves. Think of it!

Let go of worry

There are many wise sayings and proverbs. The Chinese have left us with a fair share of them.

One of my favorite Chinese proverbs really speaks to me because I can spend too much of my time and energy in worry, a habit that seldom produces anything worthwhile for me. It does use up time that I'll never get back, however.

Here's the proverb: "That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent."

Do you like that one, too? Yes, worry and care will flit around us and fly over frequently. Let's try hard to let go of worry—and not let those worries and cares find a landing strip in our hair!

Thinking about our problems in order to find solutions is far different from worrying and stewing in the juices of our cares. Let's not confuse the two. Let go, let go, let go of worry.

Let go of judgmentalism

We all want to see ourselves in the very best light possible. And we definitely hope that others see us in that light, too. We'd prefer that others not even know we have a shadow side or any flaws. Sometimes we're even extremely good at ignoring those things ourselves.

But it seems to me that the more we get in touch with our own shadow side and what we're capable of doing in our worst moments, the less judgmental we'll be of others—and the more forgiving we'll be of them when they hurt us or let us down.

Judgmentalism isn't pretty. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of it. And it's not nice to spend our lives sitting in judgment of others, either. It can ruin relationships, and it won't move us in positive directions either.

Pay attention to those times when you do, say or think things that you'd rather you hadn't done, said or thought. Be honest about those times and acknowledge it all as a part of your shadow side. Forgive yourself because you're human. Then extend that same acknowledgment and forgiveness to others. Liberate yourself and let go of judgmentalism. You'll be so glad you did!

Give up worrying

Are you a worrier? I confess that I am. I really try to do less of it as the years roll by. I know in my head that it doesn't do a thing that's positive. It's just a habit—not a good one either. I don't think it really helps me come up with solutions.

Here's what self-help author and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer said about worry: "It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them. And why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized."

Isn't that the truth? It really does make no sense, as Dyer says. That doesn't often stop us from doing things that have become habit. But Dyer's words are a good reminder to us to take steps toward a more worry-free existence!

I read an online piece about how to stop worrying that listed 6 tips for doing so:

•  Create a worry period. Tell yourself you won't do it now, but you'll worry about it later. Just postpone it.
• Ask yourself if the problem is solvable. If so, start brainstorming. If not, check out your feelings and embrace them. Worrying and problem-solving are very different.
• Accept uncertainty. That's huge!
• Challenge anxious thoughts. Identify those thoughts and check their veracity. Chances are good you could be jumping to unrealistic conclusions.
• Be aware of how others affect you. It's easy to "catch" moods from other people. Definitely spend less time with people who increase your anxiety.
• Practice mindfulness. Quietly observe your thoughts without judgment and stay focused on the present.

Control or cope?

As my sister and I deal with medical issues for a loved one in these last weeks, I have again been reminded of how when we face unexpected circumstances, we call on resources we didn't know were there—both our own and those outside of us. We don't know until we're tested just how many resources are there for us.

Suzanne Braun Levine says in Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, "Inner resources are what we find when we are called upon to cope with what we can't control."

There's that "c" word that many of us confront time and again. We like to think we have control of much of our lives. But do we really? So much is out of our control. So instead, we cope. We find the resources to do what we can—and we lean on others to fill in some of the spaces. We also lean on God (or whatever you name your Higher Power) because we know we simply can't control so much of life.

Levine also says that "...taking charge isn't about control at all; it's about coping with the unexpected." Indeed, it is.

We're all better off if we can shed the idea that we control everything. I need to remind myself of this often: Let go, Sonia, let go. Ask for help from others. Trust. Cope as best you can. Let go, let go. And some days, I do OK with this. Others, not so much.

How about you?

Surprise, there's still more

Last Friday we talked about letting go. I've worked on doing this for years, and one thing I know: When you think you've done all the letting go you need to do, there's always still more. And it will arise to confront you when the time is right for you to do so.

I had that happen again last week. I think I've let go of so many old attitudes, beliefs, resentments, ways of being, masks, etc. And still several more emerged last week in a healing touch session I had. The time must be right, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to shed some more unnecessary baggage.

Have you given any thought to what might be holding you back these days? Would shedding some old tapes or resentments lighten your load and get you unstuck so you can fly free? Would forgiving someone else—or yourself—free you to be more authentic and loving?

It's worth doing an inner check, not unlike a physical exam, after you've come up with a list of things to shed. Here are some starter ideas:

• Shame
• Expectations
• Fears
• Anger, grudges and resentments
• Behaviors that aren't authentic to you
• Masks that hide who you really are (but remember, we do need some safety and can't completely let it all hang out). Generally, we wear far more than we need, however.
• Worry
• Attachment to physical strength as you age. See the opportunity and not just the loss of limitations.
• Perfectionism
• The need to be liked
• The "shoulds" of life

Like spring housecleaning, this isn't a once-and-done activity. Repeat as often as necessary!






mon

Shed the baggage. Soar like a butterfly.

I talk a lot in these blogs and in my ezines about the letting go we do as we age. I don't just mean letting go of external "stuff" such as possessions and belongings. While that's also important, I mean letting go of inner baggage. It seems to me the essential task of the later stages of life.

Are you still carrying around grudges and resentments? Unforgiven hurts, either those done to you or those done by you? Old beliefs and ideas that no longer work, or perhaps never really worked but somehow you picked them up in childhood or somewhere along the way and tried to conform? Toxic friendships? Expectations, many of which are unrealistic? Views of yourself or others that simply aren't true? Obligations that don't interest you or feed you anymore (perhaps it's someone else's job to do now)? Illusions?

There's so much inner "housecleaning" we need to do as we mature. It feels so good to let go, to be able to travel more lightly—to soar like a butterfly.

Forgive. Touch into your compassion—for others and for yourself. Open your heart and let the love flow in and through. It's a much happier, freer way to live.

Just say "No"

It really can't be said to often: Letting go is an essential theme for the last half of life. There is so much that has stuck to us as we've gone through life—ways of being and of doing things, old tapes and messages about who we are or how we act, old beliefs that don't work for us anymore, even some friendships that have really gone bad but from which we haven't known how to disengage.

At a certain age, it's time to take a look at who we really are. How do we want to define ourselves? What do we want to do and be? What simply doesn't work any longer? What would free us up to be who we were meant to be?

It's a good time to learn to say "No" if you haven't already. Say "No" to things that are unsatisfying but use up your time. Say "No" to relationships that are abusive or that aren't life-giving. Say "No" to negative beliefs about yourself—things that someone long ago said to you often enough that you adopted them for your own. (You are stupid. You are ugly. You are a failure. Etc.) Say "No" to tending to everyone else's needs and ignoring your own.

And say "Yes" to authenticity. Say "Yes" to life on your terms, to living in a way that feels healthy and right for you. Say "Yes" to believing you are worthy. You are! Say "Yes" to self-compassion and self-care; that actually puts you in a space where you're better able to show others care and compassion.

You get the idea. It all starts with "No" and with letting go.