Fears are real and normal

Why do we always think we need to deny our fears and act tough, as though they aren't bringing us down? Both men and women can be hard on themselves when it comes to fears. Fears are normal—and actually, it's healthy to feel fear. Some things ought to be feared: fire, floods, violence, a stampeding elephant or bull. Oh, yes, it's quite silly to stand in the face of any of those things and dare them to harm you! But there are other things in life that are feared, too, and this can differ for each of us.

Admit to fear. Then see what your best course of action might be. Do you need to simply face the fear and do what's needed anyway? Do you need to call on outside resources to help you? If so, please do so. There's no shame in that. Or do you need to just give yourself some self-care and self-compassion until you feel stronger and better able to move on? What do you need right now?

The clichés "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" aren't really helpful at all. In fact, many people are brought to their knees by some events in their lives and never do recover. They don't gain strength at all. And sometimes we do have much more than we can handle.

This is a season that can be extremely difficult for some people. If you're one of those, I invite you to reach out to others. And please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk about it. Do whatever will help you through this season.

'This too shall pass'

Best-selling author Joey Green once said, "When you experience joy, remembering that 'This too shall pass' helps you savor the here and now. When you experience pain and sorrow, remembering that 'This too shall pass' reminds you that grief, like joy, is only temporary."

This makes so much sense and is good to remember. But when we're knee-deep in grief, it's tough to keep in mind the temporary nature of things. Even when we're up to our eyeballs in joy, we may not take the time to truly savor the feeling. It's easy to forget that it won't last forever.

At this time of year, when many people feel the joy and wonder of the season, others are feeling the pain of it all. They feel alone, depressed, afraid—and the joy of others only makes them more depressed.

What's really important for us all is to be aware of what those around us are feeling. We ought not assume that everyone shares the emotions we feel. Once we notice, we can respond appropriately. This is a good time to be gentle with ourselves and others. It's a good time to practice compassion and self-compassion.

Goodwill toward all

Already I see more smiles on people's faces when I shop. Or is it my imagination? What is it about Christmas and the entire holiday season? Granted, there are still surly customers that salespeople and cashiers need to service. But it seems as though more people exhibit extra patience, tolerance and goodwill already.

For so long, Americans collectively have seemed to be on the edge. Ready to snap at the least little thing. Calling each other names and yelling across a great divide. Some families were unable to be together at the Thanksgiving table because of differing views on politics and what's happening in our country. That's sad. Extremely sad.

So let's hope and pray that this season can connect us all with our better angels and that we might be able to carry forward into the new year this compassion, kindness and patience with and for one another.

It will take each of us doing our part. Are you ready? (And don't forget to show that same compassion and kindness to yourself!)

Self-love allows us to love others

We've often heard it said, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love others either." It's true. That can be a tall order, but it's worth working on love of self.

The same is true of compassion. If we can develop compassion toward ourselves, it's far easier to extend it to others. As religion scholar and writer Karen Armstrong says, "We have seen that compassion is essential to humanity. We have a biological need to be cared for and to care for others. Yet it is not easy to love ourselves. In our target-driven, capitalist Western societies, we are more inclined to castigate ourselves for our shortcomings and become inordinately cast down by any failure to achieve our objectives and potential."

Armstrong also reminds us that "If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat other people. So we need to acquire a healthier and more balanced knowledge of our strengths as well as our weaknesses."

She is right. If you have a tough time with self-compassion and self-love, take steps today to develop them. And if you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching session around the topic.

Back to compassion again

A couple weeks ago, I heard a sermon about shame—urging us to let go of it so we can walk freely and fully as the people we were created to be. It was a good reminder to not get bound up in any old (or new) tapes that make us feel badly about who we are.

Then just a couple days ago, someone pointed out that Monica Lewinsky (remember her as the White House intern who was involved with President Bill Clinton?) had done a TED talk about that very topic. It is about shaming and bullying, both of which she experienced in a big way. Clearly, she has done a lot of inner work since that 1998 experience.

Among other things, Lewinsky said, "Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop. ...We need to return to our long-held value of compassion." Amen to that. Today there is so much name-calling, so many put-downs, so much bullying that's done 24/7 because of all the digital access we have to one another now. Incivility is rampant.

But here's the deal: Each one of us can do something about it. We can stop reacting with our own form of bullying and shaming. We can call it out when we see or hear it. We can restore compassion to our lives so that it ripples out to all those around us. We can have compassion for ourselves when we mess up, and we can show compassion to all others we meet (and those we don't meet but with whom we have access via digital means).

If you would like to hear the full TED talk, which is worth watching, click on the link I've provided here.

So here's to more compassion and less shaming and bullying!

Compassion is not pity

Back to the subject of compassion again. Many people seem to confuse the word "compassion" with "pity." And most people absolutely do not want to be the objects of pity for others.

However, compassion does not mean feeling sorry for others. It actually derives from the Latin patiri and the Greek pathein, meaning "to suffer, undergo or experience." So compassion really means enduring something with another person or putting ourselves in somebody else's shoes. We're feeling the pain of others as though it were ours. We then can enter into that person's point of view. See the difference between that and pity?

Taken further, this means that we know what causes pain to our selves and we really don't want to cause that kind of pain to anyone else. We will do what we can to avoid causing that.

While compassion isn't pity, it is concern for the pain and misfortune of others. It is sensitivity to the feelings of others. That then might motivate us to relieve the suffering of others, insofar as that's possible—or at the least to walk beside the other on the journey of pain and suffering. As we know, friends can double our joy and divide our pain. So that accompaniment piece is not insignificant. Think what a difference compassion (and self-compassion) can make in our world today!

What other thoughts do you have about compassion? I recommend exploring the work of Kristin Neff, who does a lot on the power of self-compassion.

We treat others as we treat ourselves

Last Wednesday we talked about strengthening our compassion muscle, and we mentioned how much easier it is to feel compassion for others when we have self-compassion.

In her book Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, author and religion historian Karen Armstrong says:

"The Golden Rule asks that we use our own feelings as a guide to our behavior with others. If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat other people. We recognize flaws in some of our closest friends, but this does not diminish our affection for them. Nor should it affect the way we value ourselves. Before we can make friends with others, we have to make a friend of our own self. Suffering is a law of life, and it is essential to acknowledge our own pain or we shall find it impossible to have compassion for the distress of others."

This quote contains so much truth about love of self and compassion toward self being the starting point of loving others and showing them compassion that there's really not much more to add. Armstrong has put it succinctly and honestly, and I can't improve on her words.

Self-compassion and self-esteem

Perhaps I've used this quote before, but it really does speak to me—especially as someone who grew up with a lack of confidence and struggled for several years to gain a solid sense of self-esteem. The quote comes from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

The onus is on us, not on the other person. It's our job to do those things that will build our self-esteem. That begins with an ending: Stop already with the negative messages inside your head! If you (even occasionally) say negative things to yourself, just stop. Years ago whenever I caught myself saying, "Stupid, fat, whiny or ugly" or anything negative about myself, I pictured a stop sign going up inside my head. That was enough to stop me from going any further with the negative tapes. And soon I realized that I wasn't saying such things anymore. If I goofed up, I didn't need to call myself "stupid." If I gained a pound or two, I didn't need to call myself "fat."

Then—absolutely do not allow others to say nasty and negative things to you either. It simply is not acceptable. You have the right to speak up and say that. And you have the right to just walk away if someone persists in negative talk to you.

Then take a look at all the positive things about yourself. What do you do well? What are your real gifts? Do you have a big heart? A gift for numbers? A talent for writing? Are you nurturing and loving? Be honest—and admit to yourself all those things you do and do well. Own it; claim it. Often, when women are asked to list 10 good things about themselves, they are stumped for a long time. But ask them to list 10 negative things, and they begin writing immediately!

Learn to look on yourself with self-compassion and love, just as you see your loved ones and friends. Don't say to yourself things you'd never think to say to someone you love. And remember Eleanor's words. Don't consent to let anyone, including you, make you feel inferior.

Compassion, not perfection

On Wednesday of this week I sent out my monthly Way2Grow Coaching ezine. Generally, I have the ezine written several days, if not at least a week, ahead of when it will be distributed. My schedule this time was such that I didn't get it written until the night before it was to be distributed at 5 a.m. I proof-read it a couple times, and everything looked good. Or so I thought.

The next morning when I looked at the ezine in my inbox, right away I found an error. Since I'm a perfectionist, albeit a recovering one, the error jumped right out at me as though it were rimmed in flashing red lights. It was too late to do anything about it since the ezine was already in the inboxes of all subscribers.

In days gone by, I would have obsessed over the error and beat myself up for it. This time, I'm happy to say, I told myself that it did me good to make an editing error once in a while ... and then to let it go. It's good practice for a recovering perfectionist! That doesn't mean it's easy. But I want to learn to unhook my self-worth from the things I do or don't do. I want to be more gentle and compassionate with myself when I make mistakes. I want to acknowledge that I'm human! I definitely am a work-in-progress.

Do you have things that hook you up like this? Can you use self-compassion to handle it?

Compassion, friends & enemies

I've been reading and thinking a lot these days about the role of compassion in my life—and the concentric circles in which I want to express it, from self to family to friends to community to country and to the entire world, including those I see as enemies.

As I think about the incivility that seems to have worsened in these last years, I realize that I cannot simply point outward and complain about all the intolerance and anger around me. I need to look at my own role in this incivility and lack of compassion. And I do have a role! I confess that much of the appalling rhetoric I hear lately about women, rape, childbearing, reproductive health and more raises my anger level. This makes it difficult for me to feel compassion for those (mostly male but some female) who make pronouncements on such topics. Not only do I not feel compassion for them, but I have been known to say some pretty harsh and snarky things about them.

If I want to see more compassion in this world, I have to start with myself. And I wonder just how I am going to do that with those who most challenge my beliefs. It's a challenge, but it's one I want to tackle.

Perhaps I need to begin with self-compassion, for then my heart will open wider to all others. What do you think? What helps you in this endeavor?

You deserve compassion, too

An author who trained as a Buddhist monk, Jack Kornfield, said, "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

Simple but profound. And so right on. Often it's easier for us to show compassion and lovingkindness to others even while we're extremely hard on ourselves. We expect more of ourselves than we do of others. And we beat up on ourselves when we feel we haven't done our best. The self-talk in which we engage is something we'd never say to a dear friend. And forgiving ourselves? That's tougher, too.

While it can be helpful to examine just why we do this (do we, for some reason, not feel worthy of love or care?), sometimes we just need to change this hurtful habit. Interrupt the behavior pattern. When you begin beating up on yourself or talking unkindly to yourself, stop. Just stop. STOP. Perhaps visualize a stop sign going up in your head. Take a few deep breaths—and then look at yourself with eyes of compassion, just as you would at a loved one in a similar situation. Speak kind words to yourself. If the situation warrants it, forgive yourself for saying what you said or doing what you did.

Do that again and again—until self-compassion becomes a habit ... because you, too, deserve compassion.

Repairing what's broken

Mending. Does anyone really do any mending anymore? I remember my mother mending clothes that had tears and holes. There wasn't a lot of money to just go out and buy new things. So she patched and mended—in addition to sewing clothes for my sister and me. She darned socks to repair holes in them, too.

We're such a throwaway society these days that most people probably haven't heard of mending or darning. Or if they've heard of it, they wouldn't consider doing it. I will confess, I don't do either of those things myself.

That said, I am definitely conscious of other important ways we mend these days. When life comes apart for a friend or even for ourselves, we are in need of tending and mending, right? We need help, love and support from others to put together what's come apart. That's how we heal.

Do you have a relationship in your life that could use some mending? Is your heart broken and in need of mending and tending? Find those people and things that will nurture you back to wholeness again. Engage in self-care and in care of others. Express your compassion—and find room for self-compassion, too. The world can surely use more compassion—and more mending!

Just say "No"

It really can't be said to often: Letting go is an essential theme for the last half of life. There is so much that has stuck to us as we've gone through life—ways of being and of doing things, old tapes and messages about who we are or how we act, old beliefs that don't work for us anymore, even some friendships that have really gone bad but from which we haven't known how to disengage.

At a certain age, it's time to take a look at who we really are. How do we want to define ourselves? What do we want to do and be? What simply doesn't work any longer? What would free us up to be who we were meant to be?

It's a good time to learn to say "No" if you haven't already. Say "No" to things that are unsatisfying but use up your time. Say "No" to relationships that are abusive or that aren't life-giving. Say "No" to negative beliefs about yourself—things that someone long ago said to you often enough that you adopted them for your own. (You are stupid. You are ugly. You are a failure. Etc.) Say "No" to tending to everyone else's needs and ignoring your own.

And say "Yes" to authenticity. Say "Yes" to life on your terms, to living in a way that feels healthy and right for you. Say "Yes" to believing you are worthy. You are! Say "Yes" to self-compassion and self-care; that actually puts you in a space where you're better able to show others care and compassion.

You get the idea. It all starts with "No" and with letting go.

Be your own friend

Self-compassion. Self-love. Were you raised to think such things were selfish and ego-driven? Many of us received such messages from a variety of sources when we were younger. Perhaps it's time to shed those messages. It's time to realize that when we show ourselves compassion and love, we are far more open and loving to everyone else in our lives, too.

If your partner or a dear friend is down and discouraged, what do you do? You feel great compassion, and you reach out with loving-kindness. You encourage. You listen. You support. You walk with them through whatever tough times they're facing.

It's important to show that same kindness to yourself when you're down and discouraged. It's also okay to ask your friend or mate for compassion and support. You deserve care and loving-kindness, too.

Treat yourself as you would treat someone else. It isn't helpful to berate yourself or to withhold love, forgiveness or support from yourself. You know how those things make a huge difference to others. It can make that same difference for you, too.

You are worth it. If you've gotten messages in earlier years that say you aren't, it is time to shed those. Let go, let go, let go. Show yourself some love and kindness. Your life will be better for it!

Conflict: Not a dirty word

I have a different view of conflict today than I had years ago. Mind you, I don't like big blow-out arguments and fights. But conflict? Sometimes that can be healthy.

Sometimes we need to ask tough questions. We need to speak truth to power—and speak the truth in love. Sometimes we need to challenge the status quo. We need to encourage change. And that requires a risk. It can mean stepping on the toes of others. Hurting feelings. It takes courage.

We can develop the discipline of being a non-anxious presence, of listening to the other person even when we aren't backing away from a differing point of view. Doing so requires that we have self-compassion, which then leads to compassion for others. When we come from that kind of place, conflict can look very different.

If you have a situation that you fear could lead to conflict, try approach it with compassion—both for yourself and the other(s). Try approach it without fear. See what a difference that might make.

I'd love to hear your experiences with such an approach.

Holidays: Some glad, some sad

If Christmas is your holiday, I want to wish you a joyful and peaceful one this weekend. And if you celebrate Hanukkah, you'll begin this weekend; and I wish you a Happy Hanukkah. If it's simply a time of gift-giving and time with family and friends, enjoy.

Perhaps you celebrate none of those things—or perhaps, like so many, you don't feel like celebrating anything at all this year. It may be a blue and sad time for you. If that is the case, I wish for you people to whom you can turn for compassion, love and understanding. There are many reasons for people not feeling the joy others feel at this holiday season. Perhaps it's been a rugged year for you. Or you may have lost a beloved friend, family member or pet recently. It might even be the anniversary of a death or a job loss or some other painful memory. Or you may be facing a challenging health issue or difficult diagnosis. Please, above all, do not beat yourself up for not feeling in a holiday mood.

Whatever it is you're feeling right now, be with the truth of that feeling. Let it be what it is. And do what you need to do for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It's a good time for self-compassion.

If you wish to talk about this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching and listening session. This is not the time to suffer alone or in silence—if that's where you are right now.

We're all doing the best we can

Research professor and author Brené Brown says in her book Rising Strong that her work has taught her that people are doing the very best they can. She maintains that it's far healthier to see the world through that lens than seeing everyone with a suspicious and judgmental eye.

"As miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they're easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation. The truth is that judgment and anger take up way more emotional bandwidth for us. Beyond that, they are often shaming and disrespectful to the person who is struggling, and ultimately toxic to the entire culture."

Wow, that's a lot to take in. Perhaps you have done what I've done: Moved from 0 to 150 mph to judgment when someone has made a remark or done something that we took as a slight. And where has it gotten us? Generally, nowhere helpful and positive. I like the assumption that we're all in this together and we're all trying our best just to survive and thrive. Compassion and self-compassion are essentials in our daily lives.

That said, Brown doesn't advise that we let go of boundaries and integrity. We don't want to be suckers or doormats. But perhaps we can lay down the assumptions that some people are out to hurt us or that they're jealous of us or that they intended to be mean and hurtful. It could make a difference in our day-to-day interactions. And surely in our attitudes!

Self-compassion goes a long way

Do you ever feel totally overwhelmed by life situations? Sometimes things just pile up until your stress level is off the charts. And it's easy to go into high-anxiety mode and overwhelm.

When that happens, you might wish you were a child again and could just climb into your mom or dad's lap and have them comfort you and make everything better. We don't have that option at this stage of life, do we?

But we definitely can turn to self-compassion and learn how to soothe ourselves. What helps you reduce your anxiety and stress? Deep breathing? Walking your dog? Petting your cat? Be sure to give yourself some positive messages to remind yourself that you're doing your best and that you can handle whatever you're facing. Post inspirational quotes around your house if that helps in times of stress and overwhelm. Keep inspirational books around. Do whatever will bring you back down off the ledge, as it were.

Self-compassion is an important component of modern life. In addition to learning how to care for and comfort ourselves, when we are compassionate to ourselves, we find it easier to feel compassion for others, too. Let's hear it for self-compassion!

Practice compassion

It's not just the massacres and mass shootings. It's the economy. It's the political scene. It's all the violence and wars globally and here in our country. So much these days raises our fear and anxiety levels to new heights.

So how do we counteract that? No doubt, you have some tried-and-true methods that work for you. We all have go-to practices for those times when we feel overwhelmed by fear, anger or anxiety.

My take on this is that we should do everything possible to avoid getting caught up in the hatred and anger. It doesn't help. It only digs us deeper down into the pit.

Rather than worrying about who's to blame, perhaps we might all be better served and be more serene if we practice compassion—compassion toward all people. Start with yourself: Be compassionate toward yourself for whatever you're feeling. Spread that compassion in all directions. Counteract the negativity you see, whether it's inside you or around you. And be willing to look at yourself and ask questions: How can I be healthier? More loving? How can I have a more positive attitude? Are there things in me that need healing so that I don't harm others? Even if we wouldn't pick up an AR-15 and shoot into a crowd, perhaps our unhealed hurts are harming others as we lash out. Heal your hurts and find those things for which you are grateful. Such things can go a long way toward counteracting the anger and hatred surrounding us today.

Treat yourself lovingly

Do you allow others to mistreat you? To say hurtful or even abusive things to you? A good friend of mine always has said that she learned from her mother to treat herself well and expect that from others, too. Yes! It's called self-love. And it's true that the way we see ourselves, the way we love ourselves and the way we treat ourselves teaches others how to see and treat us.

In a book from which I gather inspiration, The Woman's Book of Confidence: Meditations for Strength and Inspiration by Sue Patton Thoele, I read the other day: "It is impossible to ask 'them' to treat us in ways we do not yet treat ourselves. ... We are the authors of our lives, and we can write new, healthy scripts that cast us as lovable and deserving women. As a result, we're more likely to be appreciated by those around us and our relationships consequently will be enhanced."

Perhaps you grew up judging yourself. Or even hating yourself. Calling yourself names or giving yourself spiteful messages (such as "You stupid thing, why did you do that?"). The wonderful thing is: We can choose at any age or stage to let go of those old tapes and messages—and to learn new behaviors, such as self-love, self-care and self-compassion. We can learn to love ourselves, to give ourselves kind and caring messages, to give our Inner Critic a vacation or teach her some new habits. It's never too late. As Thoele says, "We are the authors of our lives...."