Asking forgiveness is freeing

Forgiveness is such a powerful part of relationships. It's fraught with a lot of misunderstandings, however. The end result may not actually be forgiveness. At least not always. But if you apologize and are genuinely sorry, you have done your part. You have taken accountability for your words or actions. And you have set yourself free from the chains that hold you when you know you've wronged someone. Whether the other person forgives you or not is almost beside the point. Truly, it's gift when it happens. However, the important part is to do your part of the forgiveness dance. That is the only part for which you and I are responsible.

It's important when we do apologize to search our hearts and be sure we're authentic and genuine about it. Sometimes it's important to allow a bit of time to pass after our words or actions so we can process what we've done and apologize from a place of authenticity. We're not always ready to do that immediately after we've said or done something to hurt another. We might still be a bit self-righteous about what we've said or done. Or we might be angry at whatever preceded it. Take time to search your heart and be sure you're ready to apologize.

Let's remember, too, that forgiving ourselves is an important part of the equation. For we aren't truly free if we're laboring under a load of guilt either. There are so many parts to this forgiveness dance, aren't there? It's not as simple as it appears. But it's always worth doing.

Apologies aren't always simple

Relationships are so complicated, aren't they? How often has a friend or loved one told you that something you said or did hurt them? And what was your first reaction? Defensiveness? Or perhaps you're always the first to apologize—and then later, you begin to think of ways you've been hurt by that same person's words and never said anything. And you feel a bit resentful. Does that ever happen? What do you do when it does? Just suck it up?

Apologies are difficult. They're also extremely important. And complex. As the above situation implies, there might be more to a situation than a simple apology can provide. Every situation, every relationship is different. And while apologies are important and can help heal and deepen relationships, you do well to think through all the implications of that apology. Will that move your relationship forward, or are there some other underlying currents that need exploring?

If a simple and clear-cut apology is what you need to do (or perhaps what you need to ask for from another), do that. However, if the relationships needs more work before or after the apology happens, don't ignore the red flags that might go up inside you. If it's an important relationship to you, take a deep breath and dive into a deeper discussion about what you're feeling and ask what the other is feeling. Together, explore how you might heal and grow. The key word there is "together"!

Traveling light

My reflexologist has this in her working space. And I just saw a poster with it again today: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest."

I could journal with those thoughts for a long time. Apologizing isn't easy, is it? It takes a lot of courage to say, "I'm sorry." Or "I was wrong." "I made a mistake." "Will you forgive me?"

And forgiving someone? That's really tough. Forgiving ourselves is even more of a challenge. It takes real courage and strength to do the hard work of forgiveness. For it is work. It's a process, not a simple once-and-done thing, depending on what was involved in the offense.

Forgetting and letting go? Oh, yes, that's an incomparable feeling of liberation. That, too, is a process. And we do well to remember that not everything can be forgotten. This saying applies to many life situations. But surely if a beloved family member has been murdered or a parent abused us, that isn't something it's possible to forget. That said, there's so much of which we can let go and be the better for it.

Each of these things is important for relationships and for our well-being. It's always good to do a regular check-in to see whether there are things that require an apology, forgiveness or need some letting go. It helps us to travel more lightly through our days!

Apologize & forgive

A sign hangs on the wall inside my reflexologist's therapy room: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest."

I really like that sentiment—and I do believe that it takes a lot of courage to apologize and forgive. I also believe that it sets us free when we do so. Carrying around anger, resentments and grudges takes an enormous amount of energy. And it sucks away our energy and our happiness.

The last part of that saying, while generally true, isn't always possible. Some things in life are so huge that we can forgive them but never quite forget. I think of someone I know whose brother was brutally murdered in the prime of life. He was finally able to forgive the murderer. But forget? No, that really isn't possible. Even the act of forgiving has set my friend free, however.

Actually, this is a good time of year to think about these things—and to let go of resentments and hurts so we can enter a new year as free and clear as possible. So be brave, be strong and be happy. Forgive and let go!

Apologize or not?

Not long ago I heard an interview with a writer from The New York Times who wrote a piece about the fact that women are too quick to apologize—and should stop. She didn't mean we shouldn't apologize when it's truly warranted. She meant that we should be more clear about our apologies: Do we really need to apologize? Do we mean it, or are we saying it as a passive way of getting the other person to apologize? Do we apologize when we can simply be more direct in what we want or need?

After hearing the interview, I began thinking about the whole idea. Many times, we as women DO apologize too much. It's as though we're sorry we're taking up space; we're trying to make ourselves smaller until we nearly disappear—almost an attitude of "I'm sorry I even exist; I know I'm not worthy." It gets back to that whole self-esteem, self-image issue again.

During the interview, a video clip was shown where a woman apologized for coughing on stage as she was speaking, then apologized as she asked for water, apologizing again when someone brought her a bottle of Coke rather than water—saying she couldn't drink Coke but really wanted water. It really got almost embarrassing to watch the woman continue to apologize when all she needed to do was ask for a glass of water and clearly state that it was water she needed, not Coke.

What do you think? Do you sometimes apologize when you really don't need to do so? I'm checking myself these days to see that I'm as clear and direct in my communication as I can be while still being polite. I firmly believe in apologizing when it's called for. And I also want to continue building a strong self-esteem.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.