More grace

I just read the most fascinating quote by American author and playwright Robert Anton Wilson: "Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. We have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief."

Wow! It really made me stop and think. Such a quote has a way of grabbing our attention, right? I admit that I don't know the context of that quote, although I did do a quick search that didn't yield anything.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how everyone I meet is dealing with something or other—many facing painful, frightening and heavy issues. And I have absolutely no idea when I see someone in a store, at church, in a meeting or on the street what's going on in that person's life. The term "walking wounded" really seems apt. Yes, we are all wounded in some way, aren't we? And we are all dealing with anxiety or grief.

For me, that means that I need to pay special attention to how I treat everyone. I need to remember to approach people with kindness and a full measure of grace, acceptance and forgiveness. More grace. Less attitude.

Let go of judgmentalism

We all want to see ourselves in the very best light possible. And we definitely hope that others see us in that light, too. We'd prefer that others not even know we have a shadow side or any flaws. Sometimes we're even extremely good at ignoring those things ourselves.

But it seems to me that the more we get in touch with our own shadow side and what we're capable of doing in our worst moments, the less judgmental we'll be of others—and the more forgiving we'll be of them when they hurt us or let us down.

Judgmentalism isn't pretty. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of it. And it's not nice to spend our lives sitting in judgment of others, either. It can ruin relationships, and it won't move us in positive directions either.

Pay attention to those times when you do, say or think things that you'd rather you hadn't done, said or thought. Be honest about those times and acknowledge it all as a part of your shadow side. Forgive yourself because you're human. Then extend that same acknowledgment and forgiveness to others. Liberate yourself and let go of judgmentalism. You'll be so glad you did!

Free up your energy and forgive

So Monday we talked about forgiveness. Really, we can't stress it too much. It can be a difficult part of life for most of us, depending on the circumstances. But it's such an important part of life—and of relationship.

Interestingly, I had written Monday's blog last week. Then on Sunday, our pastor preached about forgiveness too. He talked about how we imprison ourselves when we refuse forgiveness to others. That is so true. When I was young, I'm not sure that I heard about that human element of forgiveness. I learned that we forgive because God forgives us. If that's your belief, and it's still mine, that is true. But there's so much more to it—and that is the freedom and release it brings us when we do forgive others. It frees us from a prison and it leads to greater emotional health, peace and joy. I didn't hear about such benefits either at church or at home when I was young, but they are a real and important part of forgiveness. Forgiving also improves our relationships, not only the one(s) directly involved.

Even if, when we forgive a person for some hurt or harm, we can no longer stay in relationship with that particular person, we are emotionally clear and healthier in the rest of our relationships because of that forgiveness. When we carry around anger and withhold forgiveness from one person, it can affect all our other relationships as well.

The benefits of forgiving are immense. Who doesn't want to be freed from the prison of anger and the loss of energy that entails? Carrying around the hurt and anger take more energy from us than we can imagine. It feels so good to let it all go.

No to revenge. Yes to forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Is there anything so important to human relationships? To our emotional health and peace of mind?

We know that hanging on to grudges and wrongs only hurts us. It's like carrying around a ball and chain forever. It consumes so much of our energy.

Author, lecturer and social reformer E.H. Chapin pointed out the strength it takes to forgive when he said, "Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury."

Oh, yes. Revenge is so tempting. And it may even feel so good—for a short while. But in the end, it's an empty satisfaction that is as fleeting as the spent dandelion when it meets up with the wind. Remember the saying, "Living well is the best revenge"? Living well doesn't include expending energy nursing hurts and carrying hurts in our heart.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, while difficult at the time, brings a deep peace and lasting satisfaction. It releases you to move on with your life and to spend your precious energy in other, more life-giving ways.

What cries out for your release today? Whom do you need to forgive? What are you waiting for?

Of peace and change

Recently I read some words spoken by Mairead Maguire that speak deeply to me:

"Change will only come about when each of us takes up the daily struggle ourselves to be more forgiving, compassionate, loving, and above all joyful in the knowledge that, by some miracle of grace, we can change as those around us can change, too."

If you know who Maguire is, you'll know how deeply she feels these words—and how she lives them. Three of her sister's children were killed in Northern Ireland in the violence between Catholics and Protestants. So she organized massive demonstrations and other actions calling for a nonviolent end to the conflict. In 1976 she and Betty Williams together won the Nobel Peace Prize. Maguire still speaks out against oppression and violence, working for peace—currently standing in solidarity with people in Syria.

Change is possible. Peace is possible. And it is up to each one of us to do our part to bring it about. And, yes, it is a daily struggle for us to be more forgiving, compassionate, loving and joyful. There is much that can drag us down, wear us out and make us angry. Let's keep coming back to that north star of forgiveness, compassion and love. And let's help each other stay true to those values, too. Then, by "some miracle of grace," we can be change and bring about change!

Asking forgiveness is freeing

Forgiveness is such a powerful part of relationships. It's fraught with a lot of misunderstandings, however. The end result may not actually be forgiveness. At least not always. But if you apologize and are genuinely sorry, you have done your part. You have taken accountability for your words or actions. And you have set yourself free from the chains that hold you when you know you've wronged someone. Whether the other person forgives you or not is almost beside the point. Truly, it's gift when it happens. However, the important part is to do your part of the forgiveness dance. That is the only part for which you and I are responsible.

It's important when we do apologize to search our hearts and be sure we're authentic and genuine about it. Sometimes it's important to allow a bit of time to pass after our words or actions so we can process what we've done and apologize from a place of authenticity. We're not always ready to do that immediately after we've said or done something to hurt another. We might still be a bit self-righteous about what we've said or done. Or we might be angry at whatever preceded it. Take time to search your heart and be sure you're ready to apologize.

Let's remember, too, that forgiving ourselves is an important part of the equation. For we aren't truly free if we're laboring under a load of guilt either. There are so many parts to this forgiveness dance, aren't there? It's not as simple as it appears. But it's always worth doing.

Less judgment—more forgiveness

So you watch someone's actions. You listen to their words. You see their life from a distance—and you jump to conclusions about what type of person they are, what political party they support, what their faith life must be like, what their beliefs are, etc. Do you ever do that? Me, too.

And I really don't like that I do that.

We all know that it's wrong (and generally way off base) to judge others. Still, it's so tempting to do so.

We have absolutely no idea what goes on behind the closed doors of someone's home. They may look carefree and problem-free on the outside, but we have no idea about the burdens they're carrying or what they're enduring at the moment. And we surely have no idea of what others are thinking, feeling or believing.

So this is just a reminder to myself—and to you, if you need it—to stop with the judging already. Let's cut each other slack. Let's assume that people really are trying to do their best. Let's operate with a bit more grace and forgiveness. The world will be a better place for it. And we'll be better people for it.

Traveling light

My reflexologist has this in her working space. And I just saw a poster with it again today: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest."

I could journal with those thoughts for a long time. Apologizing isn't easy, is it? It takes a lot of courage to say, "I'm sorry." Or "I was wrong." "I made a mistake." "Will you forgive me?"

And forgiving someone? That's really tough. Forgiving ourselves is even more of a challenge. It takes real courage and strength to do the hard work of forgiveness. For it is work. It's a process, not a simple once-and-done thing, depending on what was involved in the offense.

Forgetting and letting go? Oh, yes, that's an incomparable feeling of liberation. That, too, is a process. And we do well to remember that not everything can be forgotten. This saying applies to many life situations. But surely if a beloved family member has been murdered or a parent abused us, that isn't something it's possible to forget. That said, there's so much of which we can let go and be the better for it.

Each of these things is important for relationships and for our well-being. It's always good to do a regular check-in to see whether there are things that require an apology, forgiveness or need some letting go. It helps us to travel more lightly through our days!

Forgiveness is complicated

Forgiveness is complicated, isn't it? It's tough enough to forgive the ordinary things of life, much less the truly horrific experiences.

We're not quite two weeks out from the massacre in Orlando. And it's been just over a year now since the terrible shootings in Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in  Charleston, S.C. And we can recite several other terrible events that would make forgiveness a real challenge.

In reading interviews with the families of those killed in Charleston, it's clear to me that they're like all of us—moving through or toward forgiveness at their own pace. It's such an individual experience.

One woman whose mother was killed said she's still grieving too much to forgive. Another woman who lost her father in the shootings cited the fact that the Bible study group welcomed the stranger (the shooter) and asked, "Who am I not to forgive?"

Grief and forgiveness don't occur in a linear fashion. And they don't happen on a firm timeline. Each person experiences the event and the attendant grief and forgiveness process differently. And we do well to remember that both those things—grief and forgiveness—are processes.

Pay attention to what you're feeling now. If there's some unresolved grief work or some forgiveness needed, you'll feel so much better tending to it. And remember: grief isn't just for the large losses of life. Loss is loss.

Choose life. Choose forgiveness.

Last week we talked about the restorative nature of forgiveness and letting go. After I wrote that, I learned the story of Jeff and Kirsten Corrigan and their son, Ryan, whom they adopted as a baby after his birth in 2001. They carefully chose a caregiver for their young son, someone they trusted. However, that caregiver ended up shaking Ryan when he was 9 months old, causing Shaken Baby Syndrome, leading to profound cognitive and physical disabilities. Ryan cannot walk or stand, has limited use of his arms and is non-verbal.

Can you imagine what his parents went through? I cannot. Would you be able to forgive the caregiver? That would be a challenge, wouldn't it?

Turns out, the Corrigans have forgiven the caregiver, someone who had also become their friend. They say that their faith allowed them to forgive. They wanted no sympathy and no revenge. They now use the experience to speak out about Shaken Baby Syndrome. And here's what Kirsten Corrigan says about forgiveness: "It's always a continual thing. Forgiveness is as much for you. We had a child who was joyful. We wanted to be happy, we wanted him to see that. To be focused on anger would be to miss days with him."

Yes! It's about choosing life, isn't it? Forgiveness is a choice.

Wounds & forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's such a difficult thing to do, isn't it? And no one really teaches us how to go about it. The older we get, however, the more essential it becomes—as we seek to let go of all those things that weigh us down and get in the way of a healthy, happy life. If we don't learn to forgive and let go, we'll be carrying more baggage than a diva headed to Paris for two months!

Forgiving others is tough. It can depend on the type and size of the wounding. Perhaps if we try to care for and nurture ourselves with the woundedness (rather than nurturing the wound itself and the attendant anger), we would be able to heal. And with the healing, we would be better able to forgive—and then let go. Self-compassion and self-care lead us to more compassion and care for others, and such an attitude sets the stage for forgiveness. We know that hurting people hurt others. And caring people care for others.

Forgiving ourselves is even more difficult. Here's the thing: Forgiveness is so good for us. It's restorative. It restores us to health, for when we carry around the guilt and shame of whatever it is we've done, we are in an unhealthy state. And, as we know, sometimes that guilt and shame can actually cause physical illness as well. At the least, our emotional/spiritual state is unhealthy until we can forgive and let go. Once we forgive, we are restored. We're set free from the shackles of guilt, shame, anger and whatever else has bound us in that state of unforgiveness. That definitely is worth all the hard work of healing and forgiving.

Let go of the old stories

Forgiveness is such a huge, and often misunderstood, topic, isn't it? Seldom are we really taught just how to forgive—even though most of us grow up hearing that we need to do so.

Recently I read in Kathleen Fischer's Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life this description of forgiveness:

"One therapist suggests four stages of forgiveness: to forgo (leave it alone), to forbear (to abstain from punishing), to forget (to avert from memory, to refuse to dwell), to forgive (to abandon the debt). She stresses that our part in the process is to refuse to dwell, to punish, to recollect. We stop bringing up the wrong again and again, and make a conscious decision not to hold resentment and retaliate."

What that therapist had also said is that we need only "begin the process" and be open to it, praying for the "grace of forgiveness" and the rest would come.

So often, however, we like to tell the old, old stories, don't we? We like to hang onto the resentments and repeat the tales of how wronged we were. So perhaps that therapist is right: If we but begin the process and "refuse to dwell," the rest may be easier. If we begin the process and truly open our hearts, forgiveness can come to dwell within us rather than the old tales dwelling there. It's worth a try, isn't it? The act of forgiving sets us free—we are the ones who benefit! Let go, let go, let go.

Let go of regrets

Do you live with regret for things you've said and done in the past? Has regret become a ball-and-chain for you?

Someone asked that question recently, and a handful of women responded in various ways. I've been thinking about that a lot since then. It's understandable that, as we look back on our lives, we recall some things we said or did with regret, sometimes even with shame. However, unless we use that sense of regret or shame to cull some lessons from those experiences, such emotions can weigh us down and prevent us from really moving forward freely. It can keep us stuck and weighed down. Once we draw the life lessons from such experiences, it's healthier to forgive ourselves, let go and move on.

Forgiveness and letting go are such crucial parts of a healthy life as we age. We don't want to be weighed down by old baggage. We can't change the past. We can only change how we do things going forward. And here's the other thing: All the experiences in our past, both the good and the bad ones, add up to make us who we are today. We would not be who we are and where we are without a variety of life experiences and without making mistakes and learning lessons from them.

And so I invite you to be grateful even for those things you regret—yes, I did say be grateful. For, we hope, you have learned much from those things you regret having said and done. I know I have. I've probably learned more from my mistakes than from any successes I've ever had! Forgive, let go and move on. Ah, feel that serenity settle into your heart.

Suffer no more—let go of old hurts

Are you holding onto any resentments, anger, hurts or past grievances? Do you have someone you need to forgive? It might even be yourself.

Now is the time. Give yourself a wonderful gift—the freedom and liberation that comes when you forgive someone and let go of the anger and hurt surrounding the situation. The act of forgiveness may do nothing for the other person. But it most surely will set you free.

The same is true of forgiving yourself. It does you no good to hang onto the guilt or shame. Let it go. Learn any lessons you need to from that past situation. And then move on. 

To hold onto those old grievances and anger is to remain captive to them. For what author Anne Lamott says is true, "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." That makes no sense, right? Neither does hanging onto the pain and anger. You're the one who suffers.

Let today be the day you let go. Liberate yourself. See how great that feels. 

Apologize & forgive

A sign hangs on the wall inside my reflexologist's therapy room: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest."

I really like that sentiment—and I do believe that it takes a lot of courage to apologize and forgive. I also believe that it sets us free when we do so. Carrying around anger, resentments and grudges takes an enormous amount of energy. And it sucks away our energy and our happiness.

The last part of that saying, while generally true, isn't always possible. Some things in life are so huge that we can forgive them but never quite forget. I think of someone I know whose brother was brutally murdered in the prime of life. He was finally able to forgive the murderer. But forget? No, that really isn't possible. Even the act of forgiving has set my friend free, however.

Actually, this is a good time of year to think about these things—and to let go of resentments and hurts so we can enter a new year as free and clear as possible. So be brave, be strong and be happy. Forgive and let go!

Cut some slack

I just saw this mini-poster on Facebook: "Everyone makes mistakes in life, but that doesn't mean they have to pay for them the rest of their life. Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It means they are human."

Yes, yes, yes. It just means we're human. It definitely doesn't mean people are bad when they make bad choices.

Sometimes we do make bad choices. We all do. We're not perfect. We're human. And those around us do the same. So it's important that we are patient, forbearing, forgiving and loving to others when they make mistakes—and, as we said yesterday, to ourselves when we make them as well.

It's good to examine our expectations from time to time—and do a reality check to be sure we're cutting ourselves and others slack, knowing that we're human and not perfect.

I'm a recovering perfectionist, so I need to remember this more often than most. I expect a lot of myself—and also from others. I'm trying to let that go. But I have had years of practice being a perfectionist, so I'm a work-in-progress on that count! No doubt that's why this particular poster caught my attention on Facebook.

Are you good at cutting yourself and others slack? It's not too late to start!

When you make a mistake...

What do you do when you've made a mistake? Beat yourself up with nasty internal messages? Laugh at yourself? Forgive yourself? Let it go?

It probably depends on the type of mistake you've made, right? If it's something extremely serious, it's a little tougher to laugh it off. Or let go.

However, even when we seriously mess up—and even when we unintentionally do harm to others—it is important to forgive ourselves. And to let it go.

If there's something we can do to make amends and to repair the situation, we need to do that, of course. But still, forgiveness and letting go are essential. No good comes from holding on to the mistake, chewing it over like an old bone and staying angry and unforgiving toward ourselves.

When you do make a mistake, assess the damage. See what can be done to repair the situation and any hurt feelings you have caused. Do what needs to be done. Forgive yourself (remembering that forgiveness is a process). And then let go. Move on. Learn any lessons that might be embedded in the situation.

If the situation isn't serious at all, it's good to learn to laugh at yourself, too. It can really help you move on and let go. It's healthy to not always take ourselves so seriously. Laughter really is good medicine.

Failure's lessons

For years I have liked the prose/poem titled "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It's about being real, and it's just rich with images and meaning. Read the entire poem sometime, and see whether it doesn't give you much upon which to reflect.

Part of the poem addresses failure, something with which each one of us is familiar. Here's what she writes, "I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'"

I don't know about you, but I've learned far more from my failures than ever I've learned from my achievements and successes. It's not easy to face failure nor to accept that one has failed. But it definitely puts it in perspective when you can ask what lessons your failure might have for you. What can you learn from the experience?

And can we be gracious and forgiving of the failures of others? It helps if we can offer ourselves that gift—then we'll be more likely to be accepting of the failures of others.

And if we can do that, perhaps we truly can "stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'"

Forgive yourself—and start over fresh

A prayer/poem written by psychotherapist and author Belleruth Naparstek speaks to me today. See whether you find images or thoughts with which to resonate, too.

"Just give me this: ...A willingness to notice and forgive the myriad times I fall short, forgetting who I really am, what I really belong to. So I can start over, fresh and clean, like sweet sheets billowing in the summer sun, my heart pierced with gratitude," she wrote.

I had to read that several times to let the thoughts sink in—and to really enjoy the images. I used to love hanging out my wash to soak up the sun and fresh air, so I can just picture starting over "fresh and clean, like sweet sheets billowing in the summer sun."

And a "heart pierced with gratitude"—doesn't that sound wonderful?

It's often said that forgiving ourselves is the most difficult act of forgiveness of all. I do believe it. So an awareness of the times we fall short ... and the ability to forgive and truly start over "fresh and clean" is a real gift. A gift we give ourselves. An act of self-love.

Ready for that gift?

Tend to relationships

Last Friday I wrote that I was attending my cousin's funeral (six months after he fell on the ice while retrieving the Sunday paper on their driveway, suffering severe head trauma in the fall). As I said in that blog, this was a huge reminder to me that life can change on a dime.

At the graveside service following the funeral, the pastor reminded us all of the same thing. He urged us to tend our relationships. If we have any grudges and disagreements, any things we need to forgive or for which we need forgiveness, take care of that, he said. Forgive others. Reconcile. Speak words of love. Be kind to others. Don't let things fester.

After the graveside service, some of us in the family talked about what great words those were. We all need to hear that. It's so easy to get caught up in drama, to carry resentments, to take offense (often at things that in the long run are relatively inconsequential)—and in the busyness of our lives, to forget the "good stuff." We forget to thank others, to say the "I love you's" and the words of appreciation and admiration. We don't always forgive easily.

I want to remember the words we heard last Friday—and tend to the lovely garden of relationships with which I'm blessed. How about you?