'Argue to learn'

Recently I heard some interesting thoughts on the concept of arguments. The speaker urged us to not avoid arguing. Rather, he said that we need to model for children and others that there are, in fact, many valid viewpoints. Arguing or debating them is healthy and normal. Having said that, there is a difference between healthy debate and angry, argumentative discussions!

The speaker gave some good advice that touched on this point, though. He said: Don't argue to win. Argue to learn!

Think about that. What a difference that makes to a discussion or a debate, doesn't it? If we approach such arguments with an open mind to learn a) how the other person views the subject, and b) what new information we may learn about the topic, how much better our relationships would be and how much more we would gain from debates. This is a whole new perspective on arguing.

It's definitely advice I'm going to remember ... and try to employ more often than not.

What do you think?

Be extravagant!

It's often been said that the deepest and most precious things in life cannot be seen or touched, and isn't that true? As Helen Keller said, "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Although those we love are precious, what is deep and true and meaningful are the things that pass between us in those relationships. The looks, the shared moments, the deep conversations, the special touches.

Author and motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia put it this way: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

What that reminds me to do is to be generous and completely extravagant with my touch, my smiles, my kind words, the way I listen, my compliments and all kinds of random acts of care and kindness. If I stay focused on how grateful I am for all the precious gifts in my life, it will be easier for me to be extravagant with all the priceless and precious things that cannot be seen or touched.

Let your heart be filled with love—and be generous in spreading it around!

Each day is precious

Some kids have been back in school for a week or two, and most of the rest went back yesterday. When I think of my nine grandchildren, some off to college and others at various stages of middle school and high school with the very youngest one just starting kindergarten, I think of how quickly time passes. Honestly, it doesn't seem that long ago I was rocking them to sleep or playing on the floor with them.

Inevitably the thought of time's swift passage leads me to the idea of savoring each day, of telling those I love that I do, in fact, love and cherish them. You probably hear this a lot. And I know I say it a lot. But I really don't think we can have too many reminders of it. It's so easy to get caught up in life's quotidian tasks and lose sight of the precious nature of each moment and each day.

So here's just one more reminder—for me and for you both!

About those regrets

It's been said that 90 percent of people say they have a major regret about something in their lives—and regret is the second most frequently mentioned emotion after love.

Research shows that the more choices we have, the more regret we have about what we chose. It also shows that we feel the most regret about missed chances: We regret things we didn't do rather than things we did do.

Researchers from Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management found that regrets revolve around romance, family, education, career and finance, in that order. The top two involve relationships. So it makes sense that we want to do all we can to get relationships right.

Use this information to think about the choices you make. Do the things you really want to do—and perhaps some things that aren't in your comfort zone but that you'll look back on with pleasure and pride. And do those things that will make your relationships deeper and stronger. That means tending to such things as compassion and forgiveness. That means asking the question when in an argument with someone, "Would I rather be right—or would I rather be in relationship with this person?"

Think about your choices today, and think about those things you already regret. Let those things inform your decisions going forward. It's never too late to learn from either mistakes or regrets!

Too busy? Stop it—right now!

In the summer issue of The Magnolia Journal, guest columnist Shauna Niequist talks about being so busy that she "was in grave danger of becoming someone I didn't recognize, someone I didn't want to be." She says she "allowed busyness and work and achievement to edge out some of the best parts of me."

Do you relate to that at all? It doesn't matter whether you're still knee-deep in a career or whether you're retired. It doesn't matter whether you have children at home or you don't. It's all too easy to get caught up in the busyness. Being too busy is almost a badge of honor in some circles.

But is that really how we want to live? Does that allow the best parts of us to show through? Or do we stand in danger of becoming people we don't want to be?

Here's the deal: There is some choice that is possible. Granted, there are some must-do things on the to-do lists of all of us. But there are plenty of other things that are a matter of choice—including things that can be delegated as well as things that really don't need to be done at all. It's always good to stop and reflect, if we're edging close to burn-out: What really needs to be done—and what of that do I personally need to do?

It's unlikely that we'll get to the end of our lives and on our deathbeds wish we had done more work. Rather, it's more likely that we'll wish we had better tended our relationships. Most likely, we'll wish we'd stopped to smell more roses along the way—taken time to savor our moments and days.

So let's start right now! What are we waiting for?

Hand in hand, face challenges

When you're facing a challenge, remember not to isolate yourself. Granted, sometimes we need to pull away for just a bit to think something through, to sort out how we really feel and what we might want to do about it. But we do need the support of others to get through life, more often than not.

One of the Mothers of the Disappeared in Argentina, Elisa de Landin, said, "Here we are, Jews and Catholics, all religions and all classes and we all work together as one. We all respect each other and this is something wonderful. ... When one weakens or gets disheartened, there's always someone standing by her side to give her strength. ... A Mother who comes to the House can find the strength to continue the struggle. It's the one who stays at home, who only comes occasionally to the square, who gives up. ... Together we give each other a strength which I think is unique in the world."

That's powerful—particularly when you think of what these mothers faced: husbands, children and other loved ones who simply disappeared and the women had no idea what had happened or where their loved ones were.

No matter what our struggles, we face them with more strength when we stand together—when we help hold each other up. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, we'll get through.

We support one another

Some days it's really a challenge to remain positive, isn't it? People close to us and around us facing health challenges, sometimes of major proportions. Or perhaps we have our own challenges, health or otherwise. News that is frightening and depressing. Problems everywhere we look. Aaargh. What are we to do?

Even though sometimes we may need to take a break from the news, we can't forever hide our heads in the sand. And we don't want to be MIA from family, friends and others we know who are facing difficulties.

This is when it's good to remember that we have each other. That we need each other. When you are in need of inspiration and a pick-me-up, no doubt someone you know is feeling strong and positive. Seek out others to get what you need to keep on going. It truly does take a village. And our relationships really do give us the support and courage we need to keep on going. So let's be sure we don't neglect our relationships. Nurture and nourish them, knowing you always get back far more than you give.

Mentoring helps us soar

I wish I knew what book I copied this from, but I have a little slip of paper with the word "Mentor" at the top. Of course, that would've caught my eye. I have been mentored by other women (and a few men), and I have long done my own mentoring of other women and girls. So I like what this copy says:

"Take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly. Share what you know—and how you learned it. Show her whom to watch out for—and precisely why. Lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. Tell her what she'll never read in the manual. Maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. Maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. ... Stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it—and far enough away to give her room to fall if she must. Tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar." (I just regret that I don't know the source of this so I can give credit.)

Yes, oh, yes! "Help her learn to fly." "Stay close enough ... and far enough away...." "...you want to see her soar." Each of us needs all the help we can get. It matters not whether we as mentor are older or younger. We can each learn from the other. Most often, mentoring is a mutually beneficial experience.

Think about who has mentored you. Give thanks for that. And who are you mentoring now? Who might you mentor? We need all the help we can get so we can truly soar.

Who is your tribe?

These days we hear women talking about their "tribe." Have you heard that term? They're generally referring to that group (most often other women) that "gets them." Your tribe is that group of people with whom you feel completely comfortable and at home, with whom you can be more authentic and real than with anyone else.

While we don't want to limit our time to only our tribe because we do grow by being exposed to as much diversity as possible, it is wonderful to have a tribe and to spend time with that group. Often, that's where we get our acceptance, validation and affirmation.

I love what Oprah Winfrey says about community and friendships: "You need friends who want nothing from you but everything for you." It's the words "from" and "for" in that sentence that are important. How wonderful is it to have friends who are for you?! They are the gold-star members of your fan club. They are your support system. They will be there in the good times—and in the bad. We all need friends like that.

When you have such a tribe, do everything you can to nurture and nourish those relationships. Treasure them, for those relationships are a gift.  Give gratitude for such friends.

The power of love

Since Valentine's Day was this week and we were surrounded with reminders of love, it's a good time to think of the power of love in our lives.

Professor, author and motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia once said, "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Yes, for sure! It's said that love is the most powerful force on earth. And when we extend love to another and do the things cited by Buscaglia—the touch, the smile, the kind word, etc.—lives do change. I'm sure we can all think of times when we've felt especially low and someone extended the hand of love to us and completely changed our attitude or our life. And we've seen that effect on others when we've been the one to show love through our caring, listening or compliments.

Knowing that, let's each try to show more patience and more love to each other. Let's hold back on the negativity—and remember the power of love!

We have more in common

Last Friday we talked about the deep divide now in our country and the importance of building bridges, not walls.

Is it possible that we can be more intentional about our communication? Might we think of questions to ask those with whom we disagree, questions that open doors and open dialogue rather than shut it down? Perhaps we can ask people what they need in their lives right now. We might ask what they value and how they see those values playing out in our society, in our communities. We can do a lot more listening.

I suspect we have more in common than we think. Most of us simply want to live well and care for our families and loved ones. We want to have access to those things required to make that happen. And most of us really do wish good things for others as well.

I have my own strong feelings about what's going on around us, but I want to keep hope alive. I want to be about relationship, not about shutting people down or out. I want to build bridges, not walls. To do that, I need to get in touch with my own shadow side, too. For we are all both light and shadow. What we dislike in others often is there inside us as well. So it's important to be honest and real about our own "stuff" as we walk this journey and as we think about repairing the divide.

What is helping you get through these days? How are you keeping hope alive? How are you building bridges? I'd love to hear from you.

Asking forgiveness is freeing

Forgiveness is such a powerful part of relationships. It's fraught with a lot of misunderstandings, however. The end result may not actually be forgiveness. At least not always. But if you apologize and are genuinely sorry, you have done your part. You have taken accountability for your words or actions. And you have set yourself free from the chains that hold you when you know you've wronged someone. Whether the other person forgives you or not is almost beside the point. Truly, it's gift when it happens. However, the important part is to do your part of the forgiveness dance. That is the only part for which you and I are responsible.

It's important when we do apologize to search our hearts and be sure we're authentic and genuine about it. Sometimes it's important to allow a bit of time to pass after our words or actions so we can process what we've done and apologize from a place of authenticity. We're not always ready to do that immediately after we've said or done something to hurt another. We might still be a bit self-righteous about what we've said or done. Or we might be angry at whatever preceded it. Take time to search your heart and be sure you're ready to apologize.

Let's remember, too, that forgiving ourselves is an important part of the equation. For we aren't truly free if we're laboring under a load of guilt either. There are so many parts to this forgiveness dance, aren't there? It's not as simple as it appears. But it's always worth doing.

Our complex brains

A recent article in AARP The Magazine reminds us of the three parts of the brain and how differently they function. The limbic brain controls emotions and is that part that helps us love our young and connect with others. The reptilian brain is the control center for fear and aggression and runs on negative reinforcement; it's purely physical. And the thinking brain is all about thought and words.

Interestingly, the article says that research has shown that most of the time our emotions are in the lead, perhaps because we are social creatures. Staying connected is vitally important to us. Connections used to be for sheer survival but now they're also about adding joy and pleasure to our lives. Connections with others have been shown to extend life in humans, too. And we consider it a quality of life issue.

That said, it's important that we nurture those connections and relationships in our lives and maintain them, especially as we age. Fostering connections fosters positive emotions, and that reduces stress and loneliness.

To whom can we reach out today? And which relationships need some nurturing and tending? Let today be the day to put relationships at the top of the list.

Building community

It comes as no surprise to hear that we humans are a social species. And to those who are paying attention, it is also no surprise that these days many people isolate and experience a lack of community.

A new book by Sebastian Junger titled Tribe zeroes in on returning veterans and then broadens the view to point out how we're all losing our sense of community. In this book he talks about how returning veterans miss the close bonds they had in platoon life once they return home. This makes the transition home extremely difficult. They already have seen, heard and experienced things that none of the rest of us can understand. But because their very lives depended on each other while they served, they developed an intimate bond, which they miss on their return home. What they find when they return is a lack of community and a real disconnect.

My take on all this is that we surely can have a national conversation on how to regain a sense of community and how to better care for one another—and we definitely need one on how to better care for our vets once they return home. We're only just beginning to recognize PTSD and deal with that.

Perhaps it would behoove each of us to check our own lives to see how we're doing in both asking for help and reaching out to others. How are we building and maintaining community? And second, what might we do to help vets we know and care about?

Let's work for healing

Last week my congregation held a healing and reconciliation worship service open to anyone. It was designed to try move us in a positive direction after the vitriol and hatred of a rugged presidential year. Perhaps we need many more of these—to continue on into the next several months. I was out of town and unable to attend, although I really would have liked to be part of it. But I really like the idea.

It seems we have a lot of healing to do. Divisions always have been there. But it feels as though the gap has widened during these past months as people have hurled invectives at each other in support or in opposition to one candidate or another. I don't remember when I've seen and heard such nastiness in a campaign before. I have heard of broken friendships and families not speaking to some of their members over this election. How sad is that?

We all need to be part of the healing. So let's take the time to do whatever we can to move us all forward to healing and reconciliation.

Breathe out anger

I talk with so many people who search for healing from difficult relationships with parents. The relationships were painful when these people were children, and they continue to be fraught with challenges as they grow to adulthood and the parents reach old age. It is no easy matter to make peace with such a past—especially when it continues into the present. Some people continue to accept the put-downs and manipulative behavior from parents. Others have had to shut their parents out of their lives.

Still others are able to find something between those opposites—and may need to learn a variety of spiritual practices and ways of reframing so they can get through life. So I was intrigued when I saw some breathing practices in Thich Nhat Hanh's book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.

Hanh suggests several options for releasing anger and doing breathwork:

"Seeing myself as a five-year-old child, I breathe in. Smiling to the five-year-old child, I breathe out." "Seeing the five-year-old child as fragile and vulnerable, I breathe in. Smiling with love to the five-year-old in me, I breathe out."

Or: "Seeing my five-year-old father as fragile and vulnerable, I breathe in. Smiling with love and understanding to my father as a five-year-old boy, I breathe out." (He substitutes the word "mother" for "father," using the same mantra as well.) Another one is: "Seeing my mother in me, I breathe in. Smiling to my mother in me, I breathe out." You get the idea. It seems as though such a practice might over time bring some insight and release.

Mentoring—mutual encouragement

I've been asked to serve as a mentor to one of my congregation's confirmation students. I did that a few years ago and felt so privileged to do so. I always see mentoring as a two-way street, and it never fails that I learn as much as the person I'm mentoring—perhaps even more. So I really look forward to this experience once again.

You do not have to be asked officially by someone else to serve as a mentor. So many opportunities exist these days. I have nine grandchildren, too. So right there I have nine opportunities for mentoring. Perhaps you have grandchildren? Or you have neighbors? Or children of friends? Or just someone that you'd love to take under your wing, encourage and support in whatever ways you think are important. The work place is another good place to consider mentoring relationships.

And it isn't only young people who need mentoring. People of all ages can use some support, encouragement, a loving and caring presence and more. It really does take a village to raise us all.

What are some ways that you can be there for others around you? Do you know someone who could benefit from your presence? Someone to whom you can pass on your values, your knowledge, your legacy?

It's a mutually beneficial relationship. You will both end up encouraged and supported. Look around you today and see who could use a helping hand.

Ask some questions

On Tuesday we talked about the divisiveness in our society—and about how we might find common ground. We asked the Rodney King question: "Can we all get along?"

If we are to begin with ourselves in this endeavor, it means that we need to engage in some critical thinking about what we read and hear. We need to ask some hard questions about what others present as facts. Are there really only two diametrically opposed sides to an issue? Might there be a continuum of thought about any given issue? Might the writer or speaker have a high investment in their viewpoint or take on the issue? Do other people have a huge investment in it to the degree that they might be spending money to get that view out there? It's always good to ask who benefits from a particular story being told. Who wins and who loses? Do some fact checking and ask some questions.

We all like to hear things that are compatible with our own dearly held viewpoints. But it's good to at least hear—and try to be open to—other viewpoints as well. Even if you don't change your mind, you might gain some understanding of how the other arrives at her or his conclusion. That's worth something right there. 

This applies to our family and friendship relations as well. If your partner holds a strong viewpoint completely opposite of what you feel, can you see a continuum of thought between the two of you that might allow you to move closer to each other? Can you indeed find common ground? It's a worthy goal. And it's the start of building a more peaceful, thoughtful community and society.

Women's dirty little secret

 On Monday night my book club group discussed a lighter-weight book than we usually do. We'd had several heavy ones in a row, including a few World War II stories. This was more of a beach read:
The Girls of August by Anne Rivers Siddons.

I'm not sure what we expected from a light read such as this, but the discussion took us to interesting places. We talked about women's dirty little secret: the way we treat each other when we feel threatened or insecure. Some women shared painful experiences from childhood, when they were shunned or bullied by other girls. Others shared workplace experiences of the ways women can be vindictive—the ways we sabotage each other and fail to support and encourage. Some said they'd rather work for a man any day. Isn't that sad? But I understand the sentiment.

On the one hand, women are so relationship-oriented; and our friendships go deep. We'll do anything for a good friend—and we're there to comfort and encourage. At the same time, we sometimes get into what I call the "vying for the prom-date syndrome" and become competitive and vindictive, cutting each other down. We can be "catty," as one woman called it Monday night.

We kept asking why. Why are we women like that sometimes? Is it because we've never been taught how to compete like men do? Is it because we're conditioned to not show anger, to not be competitive—but instead to be "nice"? Is it because we're so relational? Is that why we carry grudges and hold on to things for so long, often nurturing the idea of revenge in our hearts?

We didn't have the definitive answer Monday night. But we came up with some possibilities—and it leaves us all more aware of how we treat other women. We need each other. We need to support and encourage one another. That's truly our best side!

Here's to interdependence

Yesterday I mentioned a book on retirement that's been helpful to me and to others: Women Confronting Retirement: A Nontraditional Guide.

Two of the 38 women whose stories of retirement fill the pages, Nancy Dailey and Kelly O'Brien, highlight one of their discoveries about baby boom women: "We rejected dependence and sought independence—through education, paid work and pursuits outside of the home, within our marriages, or through divorce. Ironically, what may serve us best in retirement is interdependence. Our economic progress through entry into the paid labor force has not guaranteed us financial independence by any means. Rather, what has been created is financial interdependence—with our spouses, our extended families, our children, and, for many women, with a close social network of friends. ...The notion of interdependence will be a dominant theme for baby boom women in retirement for every significant aspect of her life: economic, relational, physical, and psychological.

"The real risk for baby boom women is not in making bad investment decisions. Rather, our retirement prospects hinge on our ability to 'age successfully' by gracefully embracing interdependence and building relationships that will stand the test of growing old."

I like those thoughts. Interdependence may well serve us best as we age. It makes sense. And building relationships is something we women value anyway. The skills we have in that area will serve us well into retirement and beyond.