You are worthy & lovable

Have you ever had the thought: If people really knew who I am inside, they wouldn't love me? Or if my boss or work colleagues really knew how little I know, they wouldn't want me here on this job. Many people have these or similar thoughts. So much so, in fact, that there's a name for this. It's the Impostor Syndrome. It's a worry that someone will see through your masks to what's really inside and know that you're incompetent or unlovable. Or both. And they will reject you.

Even people with successful careers can deal with Impostor Syndrome. We know many entertainers and movie stars deal with it because we've all heard stories about how needy and insecure some of them are. However, you may not have realized that ordinary people such as you and me also deal with IS.

If you face this even just sometimes, find someone with whom you can talk it over—a trusted friend, a counselor or life coach. If it helps to identify any old voices or old "tapes" from which you drew these ideas of yourself, do so. And then, do whatever you can to turn off those voices and old tapes. Replace them with affirmations of yourself. One such affirmation might be: I choose not to place my self-esteem in the hands of another person. Or: I am connected to God and my own sense of wholeness. Others are: I am good, and I am loved—or I am competent and worthy.

I invite you to not let IS drag you down and steal your confidence and joy. Please contact me if you would like to discuss this.

Self-esteem and control

We women especially often grow up with lots of issues around self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes it takes us many years before we feel a strong sense of self and develop the confidence we need. It's been said that women apologize far too often—for things we haven't even caused or that need no apology. Further, we are so hard on ourselves—judging ourselves harshly for things we'd never judge in our dear friends.

And whether it's a spouse, a parent, a friend or a boss, we can often succumb to efforts at controlling us in one way or another. That's why the words of my friend Gail Kittleson in her book Catching Up with Daylight: A Journey to Wholeness spoke to me:

"In the process, we can become beneficent to ourselves. It's a long road from harsh self-judgment to merciful kindness. Many of us consistently show kindness to others and refrain from judging, but when it comes to our own attitudes and actions, rude condemnation reigns. Cutting ourselves some slack takes time and practice. Unfortunately, each encounter with a controller reinforces the tendency to discount and dishonor our own autonomy.

"Manipulation and abuse have a cumulative effect. Controllers know how to angle us off-center a bit more with each confrontation. With enough time, we feel helpless and can't even put into words why we feel confused or upset. Of course, this looks like evidence that the controller is right about us, but we can learn to recognize that off-kilter sensation as a warning sign, our body telling us that something is wrong."

If this resonates with you, please talk with someone about it. You're welcome to contact me if you wish. And if you have a friend who is controlled by someone, don't be afraid to gently broach the subject. We all need and deserve self-love and self-care. We all are capable of agency and making our own choices.

Self-compassion and self-esteem

Perhaps I've used this quote before, but it really does speak to me—especially as someone who grew up with a lack of confidence and struggled for several years to gain a solid sense of self-esteem. The quote comes from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

The onus is on us, not on the other person. It's our job to do those things that will build our self-esteem. That begins with an ending: Stop already with the negative messages inside your head! If you (even occasionally) say negative things to yourself, just stop. Years ago whenever I caught myself saying, "Stupid, fat, whiny or ugly" or anything negative about myself, I pictured a stop sign going up inside my head. That was enough to stop me from going any further with the negative tapes. And soon I realized that I wasn't saying such things anymore. If I goofed up, I didn't need to call myself "stupid." If I gained a pound or two, I didn't need to call myself "fat."

Then—absolutely do not allow others to say nasty and negative things to you either. It simply is not acceptable. You have the right to speak up and say that. And you have the right to just walk away if someone persists in negative talk to you.

Then take a look at all the positive things about yourself. What do you do well? What are your real gifts? Do you have a big heart? A gift for numbers? A talent for writing? Are you nurturing and loving? Be honest—and admit to yourself all those things you do and do well. Own it; claim it. Often, when women are asked to list 10 good things about themselves, they are stumped for a long time. But ask them to list 10 negative things, and they begin writing immediately!

Learn to look on yourself with self-compassion and love, just as you see your loved ones and friends. Don't say to yourself things you'd never think to say to someone you love. And remember Eleanor's words. Don't consent to let anyone, including you, make you feel inferior.

Loving yourself

No doubt all of us know someone who is extremely good at accepting blame and pointing out their flaws but who cannot accept praise or list any of their gifts or accomplishments. Maybe it's even you.

I certainly have experienced that in my life, too. When I was a younger woman, I recall being stymied when in workshops, I'd be asked to list 5 to 10 good things about myself. Are you kidding me? I would think. Ask me to list that same number of negatives, however, and I'd have that list done in record time.

Through the years, however, I've worked hard to recognize and appreciate the positive attributes I have—and the accomplishments. Many of us have to get past some of the early messages we received about being humble. "Pride goeth before a fall." If I heard that once, not just at home but in church and in the broader society, I heard it a thousand times. I began to see the way such messages set me up, and I set out to change my inner dialogue.

Having a good self-image isn't about undue pride. A solid base of self-esteem is a healthy stance. If you do have a good self-image, that's wonderful. If you don't, however, and would like to work on that, please contact me.

A healthy self-image is a good foundation for solid relationships and for career success. It's essential to a joy-filled life. Loving yourself makes it possible to love others. Know that it is possible to change how you see—and love—yourself. Make 2017 the year you give yourself that gift, if you don't already feel good about who you are.

Take a hike. Get creative.

Interestingly, there is research now that shows the positive effects on our brain activity that being outdoors in nature can have. Last year Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences published a study showing the positive effect on participants of a 90-minute walk through a natural environment. Those who did so showed far lower levels of brooding or excessive worry than those who walked through a city.

Another study done by psychologists Ruth Ann Atchley and David L. Strayer showed a 50 percent increase in creativity and problem-solving skills by people after a four-day-long hike in the wilderness with no technology. In addition, being outdoors and active has been shown to reduce the symptoms of ADHD.

Even getting out into nature for five minutes at a time gives your self-esteem a good boost, showed a 2010 report in the Journal of Environmental Science and Technology. Being out for the entire day resulted in a huge jump, and walking near water had the biggest effect.

Grab your boots or comfortable shoes—and head out the door. It'll be good for your brain and your body!

Trust yourself

I have often found that women don't trust the truth of their experiences. Believe me, I have spent many years feeling that way, too. Slowly but surely, we can learn to trust what we feel, what we experience, what we know deep inside to be true for us.

For me, trusting my own experience came as I spent time in the company of other women. As we shared our stories and received validation, affirmation and encouragement from one another, we empowered each other. As they say, we "listened each other into life". We helped each other find our voices and speak our truth. We began to trust our own judgment, our own experiences, our own opinions.

Because of that, I always encourage women to support each other. It's so important to have each other's back, to support the cause of women. We don't want to return to those days when we were young and in competition with each other for that date to the prom. We still see lots of instances of women sabotaging and putting down other women as they vie for male approval. Having said that, I want to clarify that we need not set up a women vs. men atmosphere either. But we also don't want to simply focus on pleasing the men in our world. We want to learn to trust ourselves—and each other as women. There's nothing like a strong female support network to help us build self-esteem and self-confidence.

Compliment or criticism?

So many of my clients have dealt with low self-esteem. Most of us as women have struggled with it at one time or another—or perhaps even all through the years. There's a lot of it going around.

Because of that, I think it's really important to be careful with our words and messages to one another lest we do more damage. It doesn't cost us any more to give a compliment than a criticism, but it can change everything: the atmosphere around us, the other person's self-esteem, and our own frame of mind.

A study was done in Iowa with graduate students following a 2-year-old throughout the day. The child was told what not to do 432 times as opposed to 32 positive acknowledgements. And it's said that the national average of parent-to-child criticisms is 12 to 1 (12 criticisms and 1 compliment). That doesn't speak well for us, does it?

Perhaps it might be good for each of us to really take notice during an ordinary day to see how often we give out compliments, encouragements and positive messages versus criticisms and negative messages. We won't make any changes until we start to notice our behavior. We just might be surprised by what we see.

Three mantras to shift your focus

Several years ago, I worked in a setting that felt toxic to me. For one thing, it was extremely patriarchal, and I felt invisible at best and dismissed and shut out at worst. I liked what I did but not where I did it.

As long as I decided to remain in that situation, I needed to do everything I could to care for myself and my soul. I engaged in self-care for my body and spirit, and it took many forms.

One of the things I learned to do was repeat a mantra when I found myself getting pulled down into negative thinking, anger and resentment—when I began feeling worthless. I don't even remember where I found the mantras I used, but I still have the little cards on which I wrote some of them. I took them along to work in my purse so I could pull them out and look at them whenever I needed. Some I knew by heart, of course. Here are three of them. And if they're useful to you, I'm happy to share them:

"I will live out of my own container of love and compassion, regardless of others' actions."

"I choose not to place my self-esteem in the hands of another person."

"I am connected to God and my own sense of wholeness."

Sometimes simply repeating such mantras can take our focus in a different, more positive direction. And that's worth a lot.

Approval & self-esteem

Earlier this week, a dear friend and I were discussing the need so many of us women have for approval and for love. We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We don't want to experience rejection. We don't like to be shunned.

There is nothing wrong with such needs. It's all a matter of balance, however, isn't it? It's a matter of staying grounded in our own authenticity and integrity. We want to be sure to keep our boundaries clear as to what behavior and words we'll accept (and not accept) from those around us. We don't need to bend over backward and lose ourselves in order to be loved and receive approval.

So it's really essential that we love ourselves and that we have self-compassion and a good sense of self-esteem. That's not always something about which we learned as we grew up, though. But here's the good news: It's never too late to learn those things. And as we're learning to better care for and love ourselves, we really need support and encouragement from each other. We can't do this alone.

If this is an area where you need some help and a part of your life you want to change, please contact me for a complimentary coaching strategy session. Let's see what you might do to find that balance for yourself.

You are enough

Have you ever said (or even thought), "I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, ________(fill in the blank) enough"? It seems to be human to have such thoughts—or let's just call them what they are: fears. We fear that because we're not enough, we'll be failures. We won't be loved or accepted. We won't be successful. We won't be able to face what comes.

But the one thing I am discovering in my coaching practice is that each of us IS enough. Sometimes coaching clients want me to give them advice or answers to their life issues. But the best solutions really come from within. So instead, I ask deep questions that bring out the wisdom contained within the clients—because who knows better than we do for ourselves what will really feel right for us to do? And the feeling of confidence and "enough-ness" when you actually discover your own solution just can't be matched!

Self-discovery is hard work. But it builds our confidence and self-esteem in a way nothing else can. Just remember: You are enough. You have more abilities and strength than you know. It's enough.

Build & recover self-esteem

If you're like most of us, you occasionally go through periods of self-doubt, times when your self-confidence flags. Worse than that, sometimes we as women don't even have a good solid dose of self-esteem to begin with.

If either of those things are true about you, don't worry. You're in good company. And the good news is that you don't have to stay in that place of low self-esteem or lack of confidence. You can change your perspective and your attitude toward your self. If it's simply that your confidence has fallen, for one reason or another, think back to times of success in your life—or times when you've been praised for who you are or something you've done. You've felt affirmed, respected and loved. Remember how that feels—and remind yourself that you're still that same person. Nothing has changed but your own perspective and attitude. Try a couple things to change that:

• Find photos of you in happier, successful days—or letters of praise and affirmation you've saved (I keep a file that I call "Good Letters" in which I keep some of those so I can look at them when I'm down and need a boost).
• Visualize yourself successful, happy and in your best frame of mind.
• Create some daily affirmations to post on your mirror as reminders. Some examples are: "I am worthy of all the good in my life." "I always do the best I can with what I know." "I am strong and able to ask for help." "No matter what others say or do, I am still a good person."
• Talk with a trusted family member or friend—that's where we can gain support and encouragement until we can give it to ourselves again.

If it's a matter of low self-esteem, that can be changed, too. Some of the above examples can help. Also try to change the messages you give yourself from negative ("Why did you do that, Stupid?") to loving and positive ("You are always so thoughtful of others"). And take care of yourself, knowing you are worth the time and attention. (If you don't believe that yet, act as though it's true, and soon enough, you will feel the truth of it!) Accept yourself and your body as it is. Say "No" to things you don't want to do without feeling guilty. And learn to accept compliments by simply saying "Thank you."

If you would like some coaching around this topic, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Apologize or not?

Not long ago I heard an interview with a writer from The New York Times who wrote a piece about the fact that women are too quick to apologize—and should stop. She didn't mean we shouldn't apologize when it's truly warranted. She meant that we should be more clear about our apologies: Do we really need to apologize? Do we mean it, or are we saying it as a passive way of getting the other person to apologize? Do we apologize when we can simply be more direct in what we want or need?

After hearing the interview, I began thinking about the whole idea. Many times, we as women DO apologize too much. It's as though we're sorry we're taking up space; we're trying to make ourselves smaller until we nearly disappear—almost an attitude of "I'm sorry I even exist; I know I'm not worthy." It gets back to that whole self-esteem, self-image issue again.

During the interview, a video clip was shown where a woman apologized for coughing on stage as she was speaking, then apologized as she asked for water, apologizing again when someone brought her a bottle of Coke rather than water—saying she couldn't drink Coke but really wanted water. It really got almost embarrassing to watch the woman continue to apologize when all she needed to do was ask for a glass of water and clearly state that it was water she needed, not Coke.

What do you think? Do you sometimes apologize when you really don't need to do so? I'm checking myself these days to see that I'm as clear and direct in my communication as I can be while still being polite. I firmly believe in apologizing when it's called for. And I also want to continue building a strong self-esteem.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.