Inner Critics try to protect

Do you have a strong Inner Critic? A voice inside that criticizes you, perhaps even calls you names or tells you that you can't do something. "You tried that before, and it didn't work then. Remember? Why do you think it'll work now?" Or "Who do you think you are? There's no way you can do that." Or "You're not smart enough" or "not good enough" or whatever. The messages often are meant to keep us from doing or saying something our Inner Critic thinks we can't do or say.

Our Inner Critics develop when we're young, and they really are trying to protect us. However, when we get older, we can take care of ourselves and don't need all that protection. But our Inner Critic doesn't always know that—and keeps on working to keep us away from situations she or he thinks we can't handle.

My take on Inner Critics is that it's better to recognize what they're trying to do (even if done with negative rather than positive messages!) and to love them. Tell that voice "Thank you for trying to help me, but I've got this. You can take a lovely vacation to a warm place right now." We don't need to be violent and kill those voices. We simply reassure them that we'll be OK and they can take a chill pill!

Isn't it nice to know that, even if she sounds misguided, we have someone looking out for us?!

OK just as you are

I recently read a quote that speaks beautifully to acceptance of ourselves as we are—to loving ourselves at each stage of our life and growth. It is about overcoming self-doubt and raising our self-esteem and self-compassion levels. It's about more than the game of tennis and really requires little explanation.

The quote comes from W. Timothy Gallwey and appears in The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance:

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as 'rootless or stemless.' We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed until the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet, at each state, at each moment, it is whole as it is."

What would it take for you to stop giving yourself criticism and negative messages (if your inner critic is still alive and well)? How might you develop positive messages for yourself and come to this place to acceptance and self-compassion? See yourself as OK just the way you are—whole just as you are?

You are that rose. You are whole and beautiful just as you are. Know it. Accept it.

Your inner critic as friend

Have you heard from your inner critic lately? Some people call it their inner judge. Whatever name you have for the voice inside that criticizes and judges you, the effect is the same. Just know it's normal for people to have one.

Some will say you want to get rid of that voice. That seems to work for some people. I have another option.

What I have found to be true in my life is that my inner critic really wants to protect me and take care of me. That's why she sometimes appears to be pretty hard on me. When that happens, I try to be gentle with her and with myself, assuring my inner critic that I appreciate her concern but that I really will be OK with whatever situation about which she's worried.

Be relaxed with your inner critic—or even playful. You do not have to get rid of her. You just need to calm her down and assure her you have things as much under control as is possible.

I'm guessing you'll discover, as I did, that when you are patient and loving with this judging voice, she'll relax and give you messages that seem less harsh. You may even detect the fear she's feeling without any judgment toward you at all. You can reassure her and calm her anxiety!

Try making friends with your inner critic today and see whether her voice doesn't change over time.

Love your Inner Critic

What does your Inner Critic sound like? I’m sure you know the sound of her voice—and you probably know exactly what she will say in any given situation. Or have you silenced her?

Years ago I was told that I needed to “kill off” or get rid of my Inner Critic. Sounded pretty violent to me. But then one day I read that, instead of getting rid of her, I should get to know her. Find out what she’s all about. What does she want? Why does she do what she does?

As I got to know mine better, I discovered that she worried about me and wanted to protect me from a variety of things. I realized that what she really needed was to be loved and heard. Imagine that! Hmmmm, same thing I want and need. So now, when I hear her voice, I simply remind her that I love her and that I need for her to just chill out. I tell her that I’ll be just fine. And I listen to her to see whether there really is something I need to hear.

From critic to ally
Wondering how you “talk to” your Inner Critic? Some guided meditations will help you access her. But one easy way is to journal with both hands. Use your dominant hand for your voice and your non-dominant hand for your Inner Critic’s voice. Although it can be a challenge to read what you write with your non-dominant hand, this works—and you’ll be surprised what comes up. When you write with your non-dominant hand, you bypass your conscious mind and release information of which you weren’t aware.

Get acquainted today with your Inner Critic. She just might turn out to be your ally. Turn the negative self-talk into positive affirmations that will help you become the woman you were meant to be!