'I am loved'

I recently saw a journal exercise that would be fun to try. First, you are asked to list the ways you think someone you love would describe you. Second, you then go to them and ask them to list their favorite elements of who you are. Then compare their list to yours. In the exercise instructions, you are invited to not be shy, because "it will make them so happy to tell you why they love you!"

Are you willing to try this? Often, we think others would let us down if we tried such an exercise. We think others see us as we see ourselves—and who is harder on us than our very self?! In truth, such an exercise might make the other person happy. But it surely would make us happy, too—that is, if we can suspend our disbelief and self-doubt long enough to really believe the other person is sincere.

Sometimes we do a real number on ourselves and think of someone who compliments us, "Oh, they have to say that" or "They're just saying that; they really don't mean it." We don't think we're worthy of love.

Make it a point today to let go of that kind of thinking. Shed those old tapes that tell you that you aren't worth loving. Believe people when they say they love you. Believe in your own lovability!! Remind yourself every day that you are lovable. Repeat to yourself, "I am loved, and I am worthy of love." For letting go of the old negative messages is only half the equation; the other half is to fill your head space with new, positive tapes!

Look for the light

As I observe my own behavior and that of others, I often wonder why it is that we're so drawn toward the negative—toward the chaos and drama—rather than toward the positive and inspirational. It's as though the worst behaviors are the shiny objects in the middle of the road. On any given day, we collect as many of those as we can and cluck-cluck about it all. "The world's going to heck." "Whatever happened to civility?" "There are too many nuts out there."

I keep remembering what the late Mr. Rogers said his mother told him about "looking for the helpers" when any tragedy occurs. Rather than focus solely on the tragedy itself, he was taught to look for those who rush in to help. And there are lots of them out there, once we refocus!

I like what poet and inspirational writer Mark Nepo says in The Endless Practice: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be:

"So, in a world where tragedy is broadcast every half hour; where situation comedies are rerun nightly; where confusions and betrayals replay themselves; where dark histories repeat themselves, help me put my stinger down and I'll help you take the deep chance to come to your senses. We can take the time to move toward whatever we sense is precious."

Yes, that's it. We can help each other in this regard. It's so easy to focus on the bad behavior, the tragedy, the negative—but we can help one another refocus. Go toward the light. Find what is precious. Look for the helpers.

Gratitude & optimism

Winston Churchill once said, "The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

Which are you? An optimist? Or a pessimist? Or do you vacillate?

These days with such incivility and partisanship reigning in our country, it can be a challenge to remain optimistic. Still, it is definitely worth trying to hang onto a positive outlook. It makes such a difference in how we comport ourselves, the decisions we make, the way we treat others, and the way we walk through each day.

If you are facing a difficult, life-changing event, this can be a stretch; but it's worth the effort: When you awaken in the morning, try letting your first thoughts be about at least two things for which you're grateful—even if it's simply that you're still alive and made it through the night. These days I awake to the sound of birds singing; and right there, I have something for which to be grateful. Then I think about my family and friends—people I love and who love me. Wow, how am I so blessed? And there's always more....

Gratitude is a good start down the road to optimism, to seeing the opportunity in difficulties. I know that some days, that's a stretch for me, too. But Churchill was right, and I do want to keep trying.

How about you?

Share the good news

I just read a post on Facebook by a woman who said she'd gone to a local grocery store for a few items. When she got to the checkout, the cashier told her, "Your money isn't any good here today." My friend thought, "What?!" Then the cashier told her that the person in line ahead of her had paid extra for those following behind. It just made my friend's day!

Well, guess what? It made my day, too. It's sometimes easy for me to get caught up by the negative news—school shootings, deadlock in Washington, wars and murder in so many parts of the globe, etc. And although I want to be aware of world and domestic events, I also want to stay positive. So reading about a random act of kindness really made my day. It's so easy to forget about the good people in the world and think the world is populated with evil, nasty folks.

Somehow, I need to maintain perspective and balance. I want to do what I can to help bring justice and peace into the world. At the same time, I don't want to get bogged down in all the negativity and pain. Most days, this can be a real challenge!

My friend's post reminded me to share good news when I hear or experience it. The good things that happen to us boost our attitudes. And when we share those stories, others receive a positive boost too.

Souls that blossom

French novelist, critic and essayist Marcel Proust once said, "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

Yes, indeed. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Proust is reported to have been a frail and nervous child whose first asthma attack at age 9 nearly killed him. So no doubt, his words took on deep meaning for him. Such an experience would make a lasting impact, I'm sure.

It's a reminder to you and to me to surround ourselves with people who are caring, compassionate and joyful people who help "make our souls blossom." We all have some people in our lives who bring us down and definitely don't make us happy. Sometimes we can walk away from them, and other times they're in our lives to stay. Then we need to try limit our time with them. At the least, we need to make huge efforts to stay positive in the face of their negativity. It's also a reminder to us to be "charming gardeners" ourselves!

Remember to say thanks to all those who make your soul blossom!

Pain and delight

I have family and friends who refuse to be on Facebook for any number of reasons. Goodness knows, that and other social media can be complete time-suckers. You think you're simply going to check whose birthday it is on a given day so you can send wishes and the next thing you know, you've wasted 30 minutes reading posts that range from newsworthy and interesting to totally inane—or worse, to cruel and insulting to someone or other. So I totally understand the reticence of some to join in.

One thing I confess that I do enjoy, however, is when Facebook puts in my morning feed a post or photo from a year or two or three ago. One day this week when I opened Facebook, several photos of my youngest son, youngest grandson and my sister popped up. These were photos taken when they spent time with me exactly a year ago, and what a smile they brought to my face as I recalled the wonderful times we had during that visit. The reason for their visit was a surprise birthday party for me, in itself a fun and wonderful memory. But the day we four spent in a park walking around, seeing the deer and bison there and watching then almost 5-year-old Ayden play on the playground was so relaxing and fun. And recalling the memory of that visit was a wonderful start to my day earlier this week.

So even with those things in life that can hold irritation and negatives, we can also often find joy and delight. It's always a reminder to me that so much of life is both/and rather than either/or. Facebook can be a real pain and can be a time-sucker. And it can also bring lots of smiles and joy.

Stop and THINK

I just saw a fascinating poster on Facebook. It said, "Before you speak, THINK.

"T: Is it true?
"H: Is it helpful?
"I: Is it inspiring?
"N: Is it necessary?
"K: Is it kind?"

Oh, my, this really is good. Perhaps each one of us should post it on our bathroom mirror. I know I surely could use it as a reminder. I start each day with good intentions. Then I hear the news. Or something disturbing happens in my life or in the life of someone I love. Or someone else takes the conversation for a negative turn—and off I go. My positive thoughts go out the window. Woops, there I go again.

Thankfully, there is forgiveness and there is grace. But I would be even better off if I could stop and THINK before speaking. How about you?

Open mind—open heart

"Light is in both the broken bottle and the diamond, and music is in both the flowing violin and the water dripping from the drainage pipe," says inspirational writer Mark Nepo.

That is so true. Good things can come in several different packages. So can bad things. It behooves us, then, to stop making judgments about everything. "This is good." "This is bad." "This is right." "This is wrong."

Things aren't often quite so clear cut. We simply need to remain open to possibilities. Important lessons can come to us from situations we consider negative or harmful. And they can come from some of life's most beautiful and precious experiences.

What might happen if we could drop our judgments and simply keep open minds and open hearts? How much more might we see and learn?

Time to refocus?

We can all use an antidote to the negativity and fear these days. I don't know what helps you get through it all—or what helps you stay positive. Perhaps it's time to refocus a bit?

Many people I know practice meditation, contemplation or mindfulness. There are many different forms of each. And I notice that people use these terms somewhat interchangeably, so you can't assume that another person means the same thing you do when they talk about their practices.

Be that as it may, refocusing yourself can be simple. Many mindfulness practitioners recommend simply paying attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and consciously. Really pay attention to your breath. If your mind wanders, simply notice that and return to your breathing.

Many people also repeat a phrase or a mantra, something such as:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is a wonderful moment.

Other people recommend breathing in peace and breathing out love—or breathing in peace and breathing out stress as a way to let it go.

I encourage you to do whatever works for you. We don't have to fall prey to all the negativity, fear and hatred with which we're surrounded. Be positive. Be thankful. Be hopeful.

Grounded & positive

It may not matter which political candidate you support for U.S. president. I'm willing to bet that you, like most of us, are ground down by all the negativity and offensive insults hurled around—including by some we call friends! Facebook, for example, is filled with nasty comments and heated disagreements. It can be exhausting and suck energy clean away from us.

I want so much to stay positive, to do what Michelle Obama said her family tries to do in the face of hurtful insults: "When others go low, we go high." I do so want to do that.

I will confess that it's really difficult, though. I have thoughts and feelings about what I see and hear. Sometimes I choose to just "pass on by" and let it go. And other times, I really feel the need to interject another viewpoint or express deeply held convictions.

Honestly, I will be happy when this is all over. But I'm also not stupid enough to think we'll all suddenly return to being positive, agreeable and happy individuals the day after the election. So it will be up to each one of us to make a choice as to how we'll comport ourselves afterward. Truly, we have that same choice now, too. Can we stay grounded and positive? Can we do that and still express convictions? Is there a way to do that? Can we listen to one another even when we have profound disagreements? Can we be respectful?

Let's just remember, we each have choices.

Distractions can be good

We know that whatever we focus on becomes larger. If we focus on the negatives in life, that's all we'll notice. We'll see even more of them than ever—even though there are positives in our life as well. Research by psychologist Susan Nolem-Hoeksema suggests that mulling over negative thoughts for an extended period is a leading cause of anxiety and depression.

If you find yourself in a place where life's burdens and negatives are wearing you down, what can you do? It may help you to distract yourself for a while until you can get a grip and turn your attitude around to focus on the positives and life's blessings.

Choose wisely when you select a distraction, too. An absorbing hobby is a good distraction. A night out with close friends is, too. But binge-watching TV with all your favorite junk foods around you might simply trade one negative for another.

You may have your favorite distractions. A 1,000-piece puzzle. A funny movie. Dancing to your favorite CD. Cooking a new recipe. Some yoga stretches or an exercise tape. What works for you? Be open to trying new methods as well as employing your tried-and-true favorites.  Showing love to someone who really needs it is guaranteed to make you feel good while you're distracted. We always feel good when we can help others, and it reminds us that we're not alone in having problems and in suffering. 

Stay healthy with your attitude

Recently I read some research outcomes that show the effects of optimism. It was fascinating. We do know that whatever we focus on becomes larger. If we focus on life's negatives, we'll see more of those. If we focus on the positives, that becomes the filter through which we see things.

Research shows that optimism boosts our immune system and that a positive attitude protects against heart attacks, strokes and other cardiovascular problems. Boosting optimism also can decrease the effects of depression. In addition, it appears that positive people tend to make more and better social connections. And we know that those add deeper meaning to our lives and help us feel less lonely.

It's tough to be an optimist these days, I'll admit it. So much of the news is bad. Apparently bad news sells. So it's good to do whatever you can to stay positive (maybe even quit watching news for a while). Get out in nature. Keep your social connections open and healthy. Do some "as if" thinking if you need to—and think positively about your future even when you're unsure about it. Set small and achievable goals. Celebrate your achievements, even if you think they're small. Every bit helps! Engage in life fully and completely.

If you are having a tough time staying positive these days and wish to discuss that, please contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You don't have to stay stuck!

Compliment or criticism?

So many of my clients have dealt with low self-esteem. Most of us as women have struggled with it at one time or another—or perhaps even all through the years. There's a lot of it going around.

Because of that, I think it's really important to be careful with our words and messages to one another lest we do more damage. It doesn't cost us any more to give a compliment than a criticism, but it can change everything: the atmosphere around us, the other person's self-esteem, and our own frame of mind.

A study was done in Iowa with graduate students following a 2-year-old throughout the day. The child was told what not to do 432 times as opposed to 32 positive acknowledgements. And it's said that the national average of parent-to-child criticisms is 12 to 1 (12 criticisms and 1 compliment). That doesn't speak well for us, does it?

Perhaps it might be good for each of us to really take notice during an ordinary day to see how often we give out compliments, encouragements and positive messages versus criticisms and negative messages. We won't make any changes until we start to notice our behavior. We just might be surprised by what we see.

What to do with your anger

Does anger sometimes get the best of you? How do you handle your anger?

There's nothing wrong with feeling anger. It's a normal human emotion. The anger itself is neutral. It's what we do with it that can be either positive or negative.

When you have a situation that makes you intensely angry, stop. Feel the anger in your body. Notice what's happening with your body and where you're feeling it most. Just pay attention. Physically feel the movement of the anger through your body.

Once you've stopped to notice what's happening, you are far better able to make a choice about what you want and need to do to release it. Ask yourself: What do I need to do with this feeling?

Perhaps you really need the release of punching a pillow. Or you need to scream it out. Maybe just walking it off will help. Walk outside—or jog on your treadmill. Say, "I'm angry. I'm really angry" over and over as many times as you need to, perhaps raising your voice each time.

Do whatever will safely let off the steam and the pressure. Feel the difference in your body as gradually the movement and the words release the strong feeling. Then let go of it all—perhaps even with some deep breaths. By then you should feel much calmer and more peaceful. The problem may still be there—but you'll be able to handle it when you've siphoned off some of that anger.

What's cluttering your mind and heart?

Spring isn't just a time to declutter and clean houses. It's also a good time to think about those things that clutter our minds and hearts—and get rid of what needs to go.

Yesterday I made a decision that has lightened my load today. It was such a simple decision—and only required a couple keystrokes on my computer.

Because what goes into our minds can clutter up our inner life and mess with our emotions, I find it essential to pay attention to what's inspiring, what's toxic, what will help me stay positive and what drags me down into negativity. One of my Facebook "friends" had been posting several negative comments lately, some bordering on quite offensive. But yesterday he really crossed what's a line for me. The comment went around and around inside my head, really bothering me until I put up my own comment on his page saying that I didn't find it funny to joke about brutality, murder and violence directed toward protesters at political rallies.

Still later, as I thought about how such comments and interactions clutter my mind, heart and soul with negativity, I decided to "unfriend" this person on Facebook. My action hurt no one. But it freed up space inside me to focus instead on what's good in the world. Mind you, we can't hide from what's not good (here I'm thinking of the heartbreaking news yesterday of terrorism in Brussels). But we can shut out some of the negatives. Turn off the violent TV shows. Unfriend Facebook users who cross lines that we have a right to keep in place. And there are so many other ways to declutter our insides, too.

Ask yourself: "What can I change or let go so I can focus more on that which inspires and uplifts me?" Make more room for peace in your heart today.

Dark & light together

Yesterday we talked about letting go of the approval of others and moving toward authenticity. Doing so involves honesty about those hidden parts of ourselves that we don't like to expose, even to ourselves.

Yes, we all have a dark side—as well as our good side. The process of becoming more authentic and of reclaiming who we really are involves recognizing and accepting that we have both sides of everything inside us. Whenever I point my finger at someone else's bad behavior, I have to also acknowledge that I too am capable of that same behavior, given the right (or wrong) circumstances. That awareness can be humbling. However, it's part of the human journey to health and wholeness.

In Lutheran circles, this is called being both saint and sinner at the same time. It's not either/or. It's both/and. Our task is to be aware of this and then do those things that help us act most often out of our loving, caring, good side—in other words, bring more light into the world rather than take light out of it. To do so, we need to take a look at what we're reading, watching and taking into our minds and bodies. With what type of people are we surrounding ourselves? When we find ourselves angry and negative, it's time to stop and check out what's happening inside. It's not a time to beat ourselves up. It's time to get in touch with the anger and find ways to release it. Let it go. Make the necessary changes so it doesn't keep building up and turning you into someone you don't want to be.

We're human. We won't get it right all the time. We won't be positive and happy every minute. But we can be honest about our both/and nature and do the best we can! 

Positive support is key

It's so easy to get caught up in negativity, isn't it? I get sucked into it far more than I would like. It happened again the other day. Someone made a comment about "Big Pharma" and the rest of us all piled on. Not that there isn't plenty about which to complain when it comes to the chokehold large pharmaceutical companies have on us and on our Western form of medicine... There is!

Then we morphed into conversation about food corporations and the hold they have on us for type of foods and what's added into them. Again, there's plenty of fodder in that whole situation to rail against. We were on a roll and getting more worked up by the minute. You can probably picture it yourself.

Finally we stopped and realized that either we needed to stop complaining—or we each needed to decide what we could do, if anything, about either of those situations. We can change the way we eat. We can try lifestyle changes rather than meds, where that's possible. We can write or speak out about what's happening. We can be activists for systemic change.

But just sitting and complaining, while getting angrier and angrier, was getting us nowhere—except to send us spiraling down into negativity. Whew, it happens so easily. And we have to help each other stay positive. We're all in this together, and we need support to stay engaged with life and positive. Watch for opportunities today to lift yourself and others into a positive mindset.

Focus less on hurts

It's true that hurting people hurt others. Have you noticed that in yourself too? When you've been badly hurt by someone or a situation has caused you great pain, and you're stewing in the juices of anger and resentment, it's so easy to lash out at others—to be impatient and unforgiving and to hurt them.

Yesterday we talked about how unhealthy it is for us to suppress our negative emotions. It's better for our immune systems and our health to deal immediately with situations that stir up anger and resentment and then to let those negative emotions go. We risk our own well-being and health when we carry around all those negative emotions or when we stuff them down.

And here's the other piece of that: We also hurt others. And it's often the people we least want to hurt. They're the ones who are right there, handy victims for our anger, right?

Again, spend more time looking for life's blessings and gifts. They're always there. Several times a day, express gratitude for everything in your life. When you do that, you'll notice even more good things for which to be grateful. That's where your attention will go. And you won't be as apt to dwell on a remark someone made or on something else that hurt you. Your heart will be more open to others and you'll respond to them in compassion.

Try it. See what a difference it can make.

It depends on my focus

While there are many irritating things about Facebook, I will confess that I'm a fan. I learn a lot on Facebook when I see the news stories some people post, I learn about what friends and family are experiencing—good and bad—and have a chance to offer support and prayers, I have connected with people from my past that I would not have without Facebook, and I am introduced to many inspirational ideas and writings.

Lately, though, I'm noticing something about my use of Facebook. As I read through my home-page postings, I see snarky comments about something a presidential candidate has said, for example, or some action or quote by a public official or someone in the news. Sometimes I "like" those comments, and sometimes I comment on them because I, too, have strong feelings about what's been posted.

On the other hand, many postings are inspirational and include quotes that focus me on gratitude and hope. I comment on those, too. Sometimes I even download those so I can remember them.

But here's what I wonder: What if I ignored the negative news and snarky postings and focused far more on the inspirational content and the positive connections on Facebook? Wouldn't I find it easier to stay in a pose of gratitude and loving-kindness? What if I focused on that and also on those opportunities to offer care and support to others and also to share my own concerns? How might my daily attitude and outlook change? I'm going to try it and see what changes for me.

Seasonal changes & other life changes

It's definitely feeling like fall here in the Chicagoland area. I love fall and its amazing color, but I'm less enamored with the winter that I know will follow. Each change of season is a good time to see the value of change, whether the approaching season is one you like or not.

So many of us resist change; some even fight it. However, change is simply an inevitable part of life. Sometimes it brings positive things into our lives, and sometimes negative things result. No matter what each change we face brings us, however, it's nearly always easier on us if we can ride the waves of change rather than wear ourselves out fighting them. What if we could actually embrace change? Or at the very least, stop resisting so desperately?

So as the season changes, you might want to make this a time to think about what changes are happening in your life right now. How can you best meet this change? What blessings might this change reveal? What disappointments are embedded in this change, and what can you do to grieve those and then move on?

If you would like some conversation about this, please contact me for a complimentary strategy session around the topic.