You deserve compassion, too

An author who trained as a Buddhist monk, Jack Kornfield, said, "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

Simple but profound. And so right on. Often it's easier for us to show compassion and lovingkindness to others even while we're extremely hard on ourselves. We expect more of ourselves than we do of others. And we beat up on ourselves when we feel we haven't done our best. The self-talk in which we engage is something we'd never say to a dear friend. And forgiving ourselves? That's tougher, too.

While it can be helpful to examine just why we do this (do we, for some reason, not feel worthy of love or care?), sometimes we just need to change this hurtful habit. Interrupt the behavior pattern. When you begin beating up on yourself or talking unkindly to yourself, stop. Just stop. STOP. Perhaps visualize a stop sign going up in your head. Take a few deep breaths—and then look at yourself with eyes of compassion, just as you would at a loved one in a similar situation. Speak kind words to yourself. If the situation warrants it, forgive yourself for saying what you said or doing what you did.

Do that again and again—until self-compassion becomes a habit ... because you, too, deserve compassion.

Slowwww down!

Since my return a week ago from my trip to visit my youngest son and his family (with all the catch-up that any travel entails when we return), I've had two deaths in the family and today I have some minor surgery of my own. So I've been a bit stressed lately. The last couple days I found myself pushing even harder to get more done.

Then yesterday I read something about unhelpful thinking and working harder when under stress. I needed to hear this. What I read was that when we're in overwhelm or high stress mode, we tend to use the terms "must" and "should." The article suggested changing to gentler self-talk, using words such as "want" and "choose" that help us feel in charge and maintain perspective. Say you have a project you want to finish while you're in high stress mode. Instead of saying, "I must finish before the day is over," it might be more helpful to say, "I want to get it done today so I can spend some time relaxing with my family this weekend." It lowers the feeling of overwhelm and it invites you to think of a carrot at the end of that stick!

The article also said such thinking styles (must and should) can easily lead us to believe that we can do whatever we want to do (Superwoman rises again!) so we tend to push harder when under stress. Slow down, the article advised. It's what our bodies want when we're in overwhelm. Performance psychologist Jim Loehr says that our bodies and minds work best in sprints rather than marathons. Take some breaks. Connect with others. Connect with yourself. Do some mindfulness practices. Breathe deeply. Hmmm, perhaps it's time for me to listen to that good advice!

Love that Inner Child

Do you know someone who feels unlovable? Perhaps you are the one who feels that way at times. I have experienced that myself, and I surely talk with lots of clients who have felt unlovable, too.

When this happens, it's good to tend to the Inner Child, whether it's yours or someone else's, for that's where feelings of not being worthy collect. Here's what Sue Patton Thoele writes in her book The Woman's Book of Courage: "When we feel unlovable, it is the wounded little girl in us who is hurting—the little girl inside who was either told or told herself that she was not okay, not worthy of being loved. Having the courage to love our own little girl is the primary step toward allowing others to find us lovable."

This is a good time to engage in some loving self-talk to assure your Inner Child that you love her and that she is loved by others, too. And if it's a friend who feels unlovable and unworthy, help her see that some loving and positive self-talk can change those feelings of unworthiness over time. That little girl (or little boy) inside can use some love and reassurance from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that. If you had a little one who felt sad because no one loved her, you would hold and cuddle her and assure her of your love. Do the same for your Inner Child. It can make a world of difference to how you view yourself.

Check the inner violence

Several years ago I did some inner work with a spiritual director. I talked about how much I lived in my mind and said that I would like to get down into my heart and gut more. It's such a Western thing to live in our heads. And I grew up Lutheran, which also is marked by living in the head. All things done properly and in good order, you see! We don't tend to get emotional about our faith lives. I was beginning to realize the limits of that and wanted to make some changes.

When I said to my director that I probably needed to "blast through" to get from my head down into my heart and gut, she cringed. She thought that sounded like a violent way to make such an inner move. She was right. It really is.

Since that time I've thought a lot about the ways we might do "inner violence" to ourselves—by the words we use when we talk to ourselves, by the thoughts and images we have when we talk about changing the ways we do things (just as I had done that day) and in so many other ways.

Today is as good a time as any to think about how we treat ourselves. Are you loving and gentle with yourself just as you would be with a beloved partner, child or grandchild? Am I kind and loving when I engage in self-talk? You and I are just as deserving and in need of love and loving messages as others in our lives.

Think about it—and see whether you need to make any adjustments or changes.

No more put-downs

Do you ever put yourself down? Berate yourself for "messing up" or forgetting or not being who you think you should be? And hold back even more because you fear messing up again?

Sadly, we women have done (and still do) way too much of that to ourselves. We're generally harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be. As author and educator Parker Palmer has said, "No punishment anyone might inflict on us could possibly be worse than the punishment we inflict on ourselves by conspiring in our own diminishment."

Would you like to stop the negative messages? Would you like to quit punishing yourself and/or holding yourself back?

First, start by noticing whenever you catch yourself doing it. Awareness is the first step to making a change. After my divorce, when I was in a displaced homemaker's program, this was one of the issues we each confronted. What worked for me was to imagine a stop sign going up in my head each time I gave myself a negative or limiting message. You will find something that works for you—something that calls your attention to what you're doing.

Second, you can then make a different choice. Realize that you can slowly, over time, give yourself an affirmation in place of that negative message. You can choose to try something new rather than follow the limiting and diminished pathway.

It's all about choices, really. But first comes awareness. Bottom line: It's about loving yourself enough to stop putting yourself down. You wouldn't treat your best friend like that. Don't treat yourself that way either. Self-love and self-compassion—you deserve those, too. Gift yourself with positive and loving self-talk today.

Be kind to yourself

Ever beat up on yourself? Give yourself negative internal messages? Say things to yourself you wouldn't dream of saying to a dear friend?

Yes, most of us have done that at one time or another. Some of us more than one time or another. I used to do quite a bit of that. And then I got into a program after my divorce that helped women really move on with their lives post-divorce. One of the things that program addressed was the type of internal messages we gave ourselves. We were each encouraged to find a way to pay attention to what we said to ourselves if we goofed up or did something poorly.

My method was to envision a stop sign going up inside my head every time I said something unkind to myself. That worked for me. I've had others say the stop-sign idea doesn't work for them. That's fine. Just find whatever works for you. Do whatever helps you to really notice those times when you treat yourself badly and say unkind things to yourself.

Obviously, the next step is to stop doing and saying those things. And further, to replace those messages with affirming and loving ones. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. After all, you are the one person with whom you'll spend the most time throughout your lifetime. So it's essential that you become your own friend. And make your self-talk something you would say to a friend.

If you don't do so already, make today the day you start being kind to yourself. Self-care and self-love are good things. The joy and happiness that brings you will ripple out into the world. Isn't that the kind of imprint you want to leave?

Celebrate you

Are you one of those people who is hard on yourself? Who makes a small mistake and thinks she's a failure? Who doesn't stop to celebrate all the things you do right—and do well—in a given day but who obsesses on the one or two small things you wish you'd have done better?

Would you like to stop doing self-criticism and develop a bit of self-compassion? For some great information on self-compassion, I invite you to check out the website of Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher who is doing lots of good work in that area. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

I also encourage you to try something to exercise your affirmation muscles and increase your self-compassion. At the end of each day, make it a point to write down (or just think about, although writing down is better because then you have a collection of positives you can actually see) one or two things you did that day about which you feel really good. Perhaps you made a wise decision about something that had been plaguing you. Or you did something you didn't think you could do. Or finished a project that was extremely difficult. Or perhaps you made it through a very difficult day. Stop and celebrate those things. Make note of them. Affirm yourself and pat yourself on the back. Contrary to what some of us learned in childhood, there really is nothing wrong with giving yourself a pat on the back!

Even though three compliments can easily get obscured by one small criticism, doing these affirmations and celebrations at the end of every day can, over time, help you see that you do things well. You are not a failure or a screw-up. There is much to celebrate. Self-compassion just makes sense!

'Shake it off'

I like the advice baseball coaches often give to players after they've fumbled the ball or struck out: Shake it off.

This is important advice for you and me, too. How often have you said to yourself after making a mistake, "You stupid idiot, what did you do that for? What's the matter with you?" And how does that make you feel? Does that help you go forward with a positive attitude? Hardly. Would you say that to your best friend? Not likely.

How much better to simply shake it off. Let it go. Remember that you're human, and mistakes are normal. Generally, the things we goof up on are not life-threatening.

At Weight Watchers meetings, we're told that if we've had a particularly bad day (or week or month), it's important to just let it go, shake it off, and move on. Don't obsess over what's in the past. Just move on to the present and future. You and I can't change the past anyway. All we can change is what we do right now and in the future.

That's as important in all of life as it is when it comes to weight loss—or baseball! So practice letting go and moving ahead. After all, life is about progress and not perfection.

OK just as you are

I recently read a quote that speaks beautifully to acceptance of ourselves as we are—to loving ourselves at each stage of our life and growth. It is about overcoming self-doubt and raising our self-esteem and self-compassion levels. It's about more than the game of tennis and really requires little explanation.

The quote comes from W. Timothy Gallwey and appears in The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance:

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as 'rootless or stemless.' We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed until the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet, at each state, at each moment, it is whole as it is."

What would it take for you to stop giving yourself criticism and negative messages (if your inner critic is still alive and well)? How might you develop positive messages for yourself and come to this place to acceptance and self-compassion? See yourself as OK just the way you are—whole just as you are?

You are that rose. You are whole and beautiful just as you are. Know it. Accept it.

Look out for this syndrome

Have you ever felt that any successes you achieved were just a matter of luck? That it was only a matter of time before everyone discovered that you really didn't know as much as they thought you knew? And that sooner or later, others would realize you really shouldn't be in your position or shouldn't be paid what you are or were?

There's a name for this; it's called the Impostor Syndrome. A 2010 Forbes article outlined what the syndrome looked like in one high level executive's life. The article said in part: "Research that began in 1978 with the work of psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes found that many women with notable achievements also had high levels of self-doubt. This deep lack of confidence—which couldn’t be equated with anxiety or other disorders—appeared to involve a deep sense of inauthenticity and an inability to internalize their successes.

"These individuals often have the belief they are 'fooling' other people, 'faking it' or getting by because they have the right contacts or are just plain 'lucky.' Many hold a belief they’ll be exposed as frauds or fakes. Impostor Syndrome goes far beyond normal bouts of self-doubt."

If you feel this way sometimes or often, check your self-talk and your self-image. Try to change your inner messages. Learn to receive affirmation and compliments from others with a simple "Thanks"—and take them in. That's often difficult for us as women. We're better at giving than receiving, it seems. Remember, too, to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Share thoughts about this with other women so you can help each other. Make a list of those things you do well, and keep it handy (I know, I know, it's far easier to list our supposed flaws than our talents or achievements—but try!). Believe in yourself—and others will believe in you, too!

Be a friend to yourself

It's often said that women are their own worst enemies. Sometimes we are much harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be. We don't think we measure up.

Are you one of those women who engages in negative self-talk? Do you berate yourself for things you've done—or haven't done?

If you are, I invite you to put a stop to it. Today. Wouldn't it be lovely to be your own best friend rather than your own worst enemy?

There are several ways to stop the negative self-talk. One thing I did many years ago that was effective was to envision a stop sign popping up in my mind whenever I heard me saying negative things about myself inside my head. That stop sign operated just as a stop sign along the road would. It stopped me cold in my tracks. Why was I beating up on myself? Was what I said about myself really true? Where did that voice come from? How could I re-word or change the message?

Over time, I was able to change the messages and speak kindly to myself. That little stop sign was a friendly reminder that I was being too hard on myself. It helped me remember that I wouldn't speak to a friend like that. Why would I speak to myself that way?

I'd love to hear your stories about what works for you in dumping the negative self-talk habit. Please tell us in the Comment box below.

3 myths about self-image

If you have a self-image problem, you’re among friends. I venture to say that most, if not all, of us have dealt with self-image issues. And many of us find it a recurring theme in our lives. Let’s bust three of the myths.

1) You either have a good self-image or you don’t. That absolutely is not true. You can change your self-image. It is not something with which you’re born, such as the color of your eyes. Your self-image is formed in many ways, from messages you receive from those close to you as well as the community and society around you—and it can be changed by messages you give yourself. Developing a healthy self-image may not be easy, but one step at a time, it can be done.
2) As a woman, your self-image is dependent on weight and dress size. No again! In fact, haven’t you known some large women who dress beautifully, exude self-confidence, have an inner glow and display a disarmingly inviting self-image? I have. I love seeing it. It’s always a reminder to me that a healthy self-image is an inside job. It really isn’t about how we look on the outside. It’s a choice we can make. To which messages will we listen—the positive ones or the negative?
3) Self-confidence is only for extroverts. This myth says that introverts will never be accepted in the same way extroverts are in our society. Since you have the ability through self-talk to give yourself messages about how acceptable you are, you do not have to rely on what society admires or reveres. If you’re an extrovert, you might be thinking about the self-image issues you face—the same as your introverted sisters! It doesn’t matter. How we see ourselves is what really matters. Our worth is not dependent on the opinions of others.

You can think of lots of excuses for your poor self-image, many reasons it developed. But the truth is, you don’t have to live with low self-esteem. There is another, more joyful and powerful way to live! Sign up now for my monthly ezine (on the right). And contact me today for a no-obligation, complimentary strategy session to see how you can live in that more joyful place with the inner glow of a healthy self-image.

Love your Inner Critic

What does your Inner Critic sound like? I’m sure you know the sound of her voice—and you probably know exactly what she will say in any given situation. Or have you silenced her?

Years ago I was told that I needed to “kill off” or get rid of my Inner Critic. Sounded pretty violent to me. But then one day I read that, instead of getting rid of her, I should get to know her. Find out what she’s all about. What does she want? Why does she do what she does?

As I got to know mine better, I discovered that she worried about me and wanted to protect me from a variety of things. I realized that what she really needed was to be loved and heard. Imagine that! Hmmmm, same thing I want and need. So now, when I hear her voice, I simply remind her that I love her and that I need for her to just chill out. I tell her that I’ll be just fine. And I listen to her to see whether there really is something I need to hear.

From critic to ally
Wondering how you “talk to” your Inner Critic? Some guided meditations will help you access her. But one easy way is to journal with both hands. Use your dominant hand for your voice and your non-dominant hand for your Inner Critic’s voice. Although it can be a challenge to read what you write with your non-dominant hand, this works—and you’ll be surprised what comes up. When you write with your non-dominant hand, you bypass your conscious mind and release information of which you weren’t aware.

Get acquainted today with your Inner Critic. She just might turn out to be your ally. Turn the negative self-talk into positive affirmations that will help you become the woman you were meant to be!

‘Fake it until you make it’

Yesterday we talked about negative self-talk and limiting beliefs—and we discussed two steps to move forward: awareness and affirmations. Today let’s take things a step further.

Once you’ve become aware of the self-talk that holds you back and have begun to affirm the things you like about yourself, what’s next?

Action. One small step at a time, create actions that will move you forward so you can leave negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs behind. You’ve heard the saying, “Fake it until you make it.” And you’ve heard about the importance of “as if” thinking. All of this means that we try on attitudes and behaviors that reflect where we want to be until we actually become that which we have desired.

Suits and a briefcase
I remember that, in the first position I secured after my divorce, I bought and used a lovely briefcase to carry my papers to and from work. As I could afford to do so, I bought a professional-looking work wardrobe—several suits, as I recall. Somehow this reinforced in my mind the image of where I wanted to be: I knew I had the skills for management positions in my field of journalism, but at first I just didn’t quite have the confidence.

I had to “fake it until I made it.” Not too far into my journalism career, I ditched the briefcase and the suits, even while still dressing like a professional. But in those early years, those purchases were important actions for me to take. It may sound silly, but dressing for success helped me to catch a vision of where I wanted to be.

You will have different actions from mine. Whatever you determine will help you get where you want to be, make those things part of your action plan. One day at a time, one step at a time. Soon you will notice that you have moved beyond the negative tapes and have replaced them with more positive messages about yourself and your abilities. And then you will have come to the acceptance phase. Since personal growth is a process, you may still occasionally go back to an old message. But you will notice it so quickly, and now you’ll know what to do about it! And soon you will have lived into that place you dreamed of one day being.

Stopping negative self-talk

Do you have any beliefs that limit what you do? Do you engage in negative self-talk? How do you hold yourself back?

It’s been said that we are our own worst enemies. And as women, we often see the truth of this.

Years ago I noticed that I gave myself messages such as, “Why do you think you can do that, Sonia?” or “Who do you think you are to apply for that job?” Or: “See, you did it again. Why did you do that?”

I knew instinctively that these messages weren’t going to help me move through my fears after my divorce and move into a new life and new career. But what could I do?

Awareness first, then affirmation
Before I could replace the old limiting messages with new ones, I needed to stop the old tapes. So each time I heard the familiar old voice with any message that wasn’t positive, I imagined a stop sign popping up inside my head. That was enough to get my attention. Whoa, what’s going on here? Just by taking those moments to become aware of the negativity, I bought myself some time—time to realize that I didn’t want to go down that old, familiar path. It never took me to a good place!

Then I needed to learn how to affirm myself, how to believe in the gifts I’d been given. That’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. But you can start today. Begin by listing five things you like about yourself. Write each item on a post-it note, and place those notes where you will see them daily. Repeat those messages aloud daily (or several times a day, if you can): “I like that I am a good strategist.” “I like that I am loyal and caring.” “I like that I think well on my feet” (or whatever your messages are).

We’ll talk more about this in other blogs. And I invite you to add your experiences by commenting below. Have you been in this negative place? What have you done to move forward?