Self-love allows us to love others

We've often heard it said, "If you can't love yourself, you can't love others either." It's true. That can be a tall order, but it's worth working on love of self.

The same is true of compassion. If we can develop compassion toward ourselves, it's far easier to extend it to others. As religion scholar and writer Karen Armstrong says, "We have seen that compassion is essential to humanity. We have a biological need to be cared for and to care for others. Yet it is not easy to love ourselves. In our target-driven, capitalist Western societies, we are more inclined to castigate ourselves for our shortcomings and become inordinately cast down by any failure to achieve our objectives and potential."

Armstrong also reminds us that "If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat other people. So we need to acquire a healthier and more balanced knowledge of our strengths as well as our weaknesses."

She is right. If you have a tough time with self-compassion and self-love, take steps today to develop them. And if you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching session around the topic.

Love, honor and heal

I have a beautiful coffee-table book titled Finding Ourselves on Sacred Ground by Jan Phillips and Ruth Westreich. This book contains their photographs accompanied by prose and poetry to inspire. The other day I read this:

"Your spiritual practice is the space and place where you love yourself—honor, heal and collect yourself. It is where you lose and find yourself, where you hear the sound of intelligence knocking and open your arms to welcome her gifts.

"It is the communion table where yin and yang, light and dark, masculine and feminine, body and soul dissolve their borders and melt like chocolate into each others' arms.

"What use can you be to yourself or others when you fail to heal your open wounds, drink in the light, thresh and winnow the grist of your life?"

Phillips and Westreich have given us a lot upon which to reflect in those words, haven't they? There's an invitation to love self and to find healing for our wounds. These things are so important for, just as they said, "What use can you be to yourself or others" without that? As we know, wounded people wound others—if those wounds are not healed. I'm sure you have experienced that just as I have, both by being on the receiving end and also being the one who has wounded others.

Resolve to tend to your spiritual practice today.

We treat others as we treat ourselves

Last Wednesday we talked about strengthening our compassion muscle, and we mentioned how much easier it is to feel compassion for others when we have self-compassion.

In her book Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, author and religion historian Karen Armstrong says:

"The Golden Rule asks that we use our own feelings as a guide to our behavior with others. If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat other people. We recognize flaws in some of our closest friends, but this does not diminish our affection for them. Nor should it affect the way we value ourselves. Before we can make friends with others, we have to make a friend of our own self. Suffering is a law of life, and it is essential to acknowledge our own pain or we shall find it impossible to have compassion for the distress of others."

This quote contains so much truth about love of self and compassion toward self being the starting point of loving others and showing them compassion that there's really not much more to add. Armstrong has put it succinctly and honestly, and I can't improve on her words.

Barriers to self-love

A refrain I hear repeatedly from women is that it's so difficult to love themselves. We have been conditioned so well to care for others and to put the needs of others before our own. Doing so ought not push love and care of self to the back burner or to the very bottom of the list. It should not be a case of either/or. Either I love and care for my children, my spouse, others in my life OR I love myself. No, it doesn't work that way.

If this is an issue for you, I encourage you to try identify what barriers are specific to you when it comes to self-love and self-care. Do you find self-care difficult because of shame, because of fears, because of excessive responsibility or inferiority? Or is there some other barrier?

Once you identify the barrier, you can begin to work through it—perhaps by journaling, talking with a trusted friend or counselor. Should you wish, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session on this issue.

Once we can truly love our selves and care for our selves, we have so much more compassion and love for others. And then our own light and love can emerge and shine brightly!

Loving & accepting yourself

As you age, are you becoming more comfortable in your own skin? So many of us as women lack confidence when we're young. We try so hard to fit in, to conform to society's standards for women or to what others in our life say we should be. Many of us learn later in life how to love and accept ourselves.

Finally, finally, we learn that it's far better to be authentic! To just be ourselves and feel great about it.

I've long liked what author and psychiatrist Jean Shinoda Bolen says about that in her book Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women. Bolen is trying to resurrect the original meaning of the word "crone," which is a wise woman or an elder.

Here's what she says: "To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows."

Yes, oh yes. I love this stage of life with its increasing comfort of knowing and accepting who I am, flaws and all. Doing so also leads us to be more gentle with others and to feel compassion. What about you? Are you feeling it?

Self-esteem and control

We women especially often grow up with lots of issues around self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes it takes us many years before we feel a strong sense of self and develop the confidence we need. It's been said that women apologize far too often—for things we haven't even caused or that need no apology. Further, we are so hard on ourselves—judging ourselves harshly for things we'd never judge in our dear friends.

And whether it's a spouse, a parent, a friend or a boss, we can often succumb to efforts at controlling us in one way or another. That's why the words of my friend Gail Kittleson in her book Catching Up with Daylight: A Journey to Wholeness spoke to me:

"In the process, we can become beneficent to ourselves. It's a long road from harsh self-judgment to merciful kindness. Many of us consistently show kindness to others and refrain from judging, but when it comes to our own attitudes and actions, rude condemnation reigns. Cutting ourselves some slack takes time and practice. Unfortunately, each encounter with a controller reinforces the tendency to discount and dishonor our own autonomy.

"Manipulation and abuse have a cumulative effect. Controllers know how to angle us off-center a bit more with each confrontation. With enough time, we feel helpless and can't even put into words why we feel confused or upset. Of course, this looks like evidence that the controller is right about us, but we can learn to recognize that off-kilter sensation as a warning sign, our body telling us that something is wrong."

If this resonates with you, please talk with someone about it. You're welcome to contact me if you wish. And if you have a friend who is controlled by someone, don't be afraid to gently broach the subject. We all need and deserve self-love and self-care. We all are capable of agency and making our own choices.

Self-compassion and self-esteem

Perhaps I've used this quote before, but it really does speak to me—especially as someone who grew up with a lack of confidence and struggled for several years to gain a solid sense of self-esteem. The quote comes from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

The onus is on us, not on the other person. It's our job to do those things that will build our self-esteem. That begins with an ending: Stop already with the negative messages inside your head! If you (even occasionally) say negative things to yourself, just stop. Years ago whenever I caught myself saying, "Stupid, fat, whiny or ugly" or anything negative about myself, I pictured a stop sign going up inside my head. That was enough to stop me from going any further with the negative tapes. And soon I realized that I wasn't saying such things anymore. If I goofed up, I didn't need to call myself "stupid." If I gained a pound or two, I didn't need to call myself "fat."

Then—absolutely do not allow others to say nasty and negative things to you either. It simply is not acceptable. You have the right to speak up and say that. And you have the right to just walk away if someone persists in negative talk to you.

Then take a look at all the positive things about yourself. What do you do well? What are your real gifts? Do you have a big heart? A gift for numbers? A talent for writing? Are you nurturing and loving? Be honest—and admit to yourself all those things you do and do well. Own it; claim it. Often, when women are asked to list 10 good things about themselves, they are stumped for a long time. But ask them to list 10 negative things, and they begin writing immediately!

Learn to look on yourself with self-compassion and love, just as you see your loved ones and friends. Don't say to yourself things you'd never think to say to someone you love. And remember Eleanor's words. Don't consent to let anyone, including you, make you feel inferior.

Be your own friend

Self-compassion. Self-love. Were you raised to think such things were selfish and ego-driven? Many of us received such messages from a variety of sources when we were younger. Perhaps it's time to shed those messages. It's time to realize that when we show ourselves compassion and love, we are far more open and loving to everyone else in our lives, too.

If your partner or a dear friend is down and discouraged, what do you do? You feel great compassion, and you reach out with loving-kindness. You encourage. You listen. You support. You walk with them through whatever tough times they're facing.

It's important to show that same kindness to yourself when you're down and discouraged. It's also okay to ask your friend or mate for compassion and support. You deserve care and loving-kindness, too.

Treat yourself as you would treat someone else. It isn't helpful to berate yourself or to withhold love, forgiveness or support from yourself. You know how those things make a huge difference to others. It can make that same difference for you, too.

You are worth it. If you've gotten messages in earlier years that say you aren't, it is time to shed those. Let go, let go, let go. Show yourself some love and kindness. Your life will be better for it!

Loving yourself

No doubt all of us know someone who is extremely good at accepting blame and pointing out their flaws but who cannot accept praise or list any of their gifts or accomplishments. Maybe it's even you.

I certainly have experienced that in my life, too. When I was a younger woman, I recall being stymied when in workshops, I'd be asked to list 5 to 10 good things about myself. Are you kidding me? I would think. Ask me to list that same number of negatives, however, and I'd have that list done in record time.

Through the years, however, I've worked hard to recognize and appreciate the positive attributes I have—and the accomplishments. Many of us have to get past some of the early messages we received about being humble. "Pride goeth before a fall." If I heard that once, not just at home but in church and in the broader society, I heard it a thousand times. I began to see the way such messages set me up, and I set out to change my inner dialogue.

Having a good self-image isn't about undue pride. A solid base of self-esteem is a healthy stance. If you do have a good self-image, that's wonderful. If you don't, however, and would like to work on that, please contact me.

A healthy self-image is a good foundation for solid relationships and for career success. It's essential to a joy-filled life. Loving yourself makes it possible to love others. Know that it is possible to change how you see—and love—yourself. Make 2017 the year you give yourself that gift, if you don't already feel good about who you are.

Self-love & friendships

Last week we talked a bit about self-love. It occurs to me that one of the ways that we engage in self-love is to surround ourselves with good friends—people who sincerely care about us and wish for our good.

A word I've heard in the last couple years is "frenemies." It combines the word "friend" with "enemy," and it's a friend who actually takes pleasure in your pain and doesn't really want good things for you. It doesn't matter why that is, whether it's jealousy or narcissism or whatever. Such people hurt you over and over. They simply aren't good for you.

It's a bit difficult if such a person is a close family member. If that is the case, perhaps the best you can do is maintain solid boundaries on what behavior you will and will not accept—and on how much time you will be in that person's presence.

If this is a friend, however, you may want to think seriously about letting the friendship go. Truly, you deserve to have friends who support your well-being. You will love and respect yourself when you do not accept behavior that hurts you over and over. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you just as you love and support them. We want our relationships to be healthy and loving. They should not tear us down. Other forces in the world do plenty of that. We don't need frenemies to help!

Self-love & bad habits

Do you have some habits that really don't serve you? That, perhaps, in fact, aren't good for you? Me, too. Yesterday I was thinking about some of those—for example, the mindless eating I sometimes do when I binge watch my favorite TV shows on Netflix. Most times, it's not that I'm hungry. So what am I really looking for? A saying from Weight Watchers comes to mind: "Feel your feelings; don't feed them."

All of this reflection caused me to think more about self-love again. We hear often that if we don't love ourselves, we can't truly love others. And we do hear a lot these days about the importance of self-love. But we don't always know just how to do that. I will confess I'm still learning that myself.

It is probably like any other habit we want to develop. It takes intention first of all. And then it takes some unlearning of old habits that get in the way, such as the mindless eating one I mentioned. Then we need to practice good self-care. We can act "as if" we're already there by caring for ourselves in every way: getting enough sleep, exercise, healthy and strong relationships, nutritious food and other important elements to keep us at our best. Setting good boundaries for ourselves is a good practice to show self-love, too. That means setting limits on people and activities that harm us. And, of course, it's essential to forgive ourselves for things we have said or done that don't really fit with our values—and let go of shame surrounding those things.

What would you add to this list? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Here's to us all learning how to love ourselves well!

Mid-life: An open door

In her book Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh talks about our middle years as a time of shedding. She writes: "One is afraid. Naturally. Who is not afraid of pure space—that breath-taking empty space of an open door? But despite fear, one goes through to the room beyond."

And when we go through to that room beyond, we can be free. As Lindbergh says, "Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!" She asks, "For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a kind of second adolescence?"

And then being able to concentrate on our inner life, on who we really were created to be, much freer of masks and armor than ever before, we move forward far lighter—like the caterpillar that has been transformed into a butterfly. This may look like a withdrawal from the world, an isolation of sorts. But it's not really that, as Kathleen Fischer says in her book Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life. "...a strong inner life enables us to move outward with fewer conflicts and greater clarity. It solidifies our sense of self and our values. It is difficult to really love others if we cannot love ourselves, and hard to love a true self that remains deeply hidden. What feels like emptiness inside us may be a self that we do not know, one that has never been loved."

Wow! These middle years and beyond are so full of promise. This is not a time for despair. A time for boredom or hopelessness. Adventure awaits. Take the journey through that open door—into the room beyond!

5 tips for self-love

Yesterday we talked about self-acceptance and self-love. Recently, the website happify.com listed 5 tips for maintaining a healthy relationship with who you are:

1. Practice being grateful for your body. I've written about this several times, too. Rather than complain about our bodies not being perfect, why not thank them for all they have done and continue to do for us? Think of all the things we're able to do with the various parts of our body—and give thanks for that. It's a pretty amazing list when you think about it.

2. Be kind to yourself. Care for your body with rest, exercise, good food, good healthcare and practices such as massages, yoga and other things that contribute to wellness.

3. Let go of your inner perfectionist. That's one I needed to hear. I am a recovering perfectionist but still see more of those tendencies in myself than I'd like. It's so exhausting and really not helpful.

4. Let go of judgment. Oh, yes! The truth is that when we're judging ourselves and being hard on ourselves, we're more likely to be critical of others as well. Compassion and self-compassion with our flaws or perceived flaws is a better way to go.

5. Begin to notice your internal critic. We can actually change the tape running in our heads from our inner critic. Change those negative statements about yourself and others to positive ones. You'll be so much happier.

Embrace who you are

So many of us have a difficult time with self-acceptance and self-love. We can be pretty hard on ourselves. Think it's time to let up a little?

Self-acceptance means just that: accepting ourselves for who we are. It means not trying to change ourselves for others, not changing the way we live our lives so others will approve. It also means allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are. If we are authentic, truly being who we were created to be, we can stand securely in that place knowing we are enough and we are good as we are.

Self-acceptance means letting go of all attempts to be someone we're not. It means not trying to act in ways that aren't natural for us or that don't align with the values we hold dear. It means speaking from our own authentic voice, saying what feels right to us—even if someone else doesn't agree.

It's so easy to think we won't be accepted unless we live by the rules others set. The ad world doesn't help in this regard: It always sets up images of how we should be, what we should buy and to what we should aspire if we want to be successful and popular. Forget all that. You are unique. There's not another on the planet just like you. That's pretty special. So go with that. Embrace who you are and accept that. Then learn to love yourself.

Treat yourself lovingly

Do you allow others to mistreat you? To say hurtful or even abusive things to you? A good friend of mine always has said that she learned from her mother to treat herself well and expect that from others, too. Yes! It's called self-love. And it's true that the way we see ourselves, the way we love ourselves and the way we treat ourselves teaches others how to see and treat us.

In a book from which I gather inspiration, The Woman's Book of Confidence: Meditations for Strength and Inspiration by Sue Patton Thoele, I read the other day: "It is impossible to ask 'them' to treat us in ways we do not yet treat ourselves. ... We are the authors of our lives, and we can write new, healthy scripts that cast us as lovable and deserving women. As a result, we're more likely to be appreciated by those around us and our relationships consequently will be enhanced."

Perhaps you grew up judging yourself. Or even hating yourself. Calling yourself names or giving yourself spiteful messages (such as "You stupid thing, why did you do that?"). The wonderful thing is: We can choose at any age or stage to let go of those old tapes and messages—and to learn new behaviors, such as self-love, self-care and self-compassion. We can learn to love ourselves, to give ourselves kind and caring messages, to give our Inner Critic a vacation or teach her some new habits. It's never too late. As Thoele says, "We are the authors of our lives...."

Here's to self-love & self-compassion

It's only been in the last few years that I've begun to learn more about self-compassion and practice it. I hear from many other women that they have a difficult time with that, too. Many of us have been raised to take care of everyone else—and let our own needs fall by the wayside. We are so good at taking care of others, showing them compassion and being there when they need us. But we aren't there for ourselves.

It's not too late to learn, however. A wonderful book of art and meditation, Journey of the Soul by Doris Klein, takes a look at this issue in a chapter called "Compassion: Companioning Ourselves." There Klein says, "We may minimize, deny, mask or simply ignore the pain that seems to be too much for us to bear. Yet, underneath all the denial, we are so hoping that someone will come and sit with us, listen to our heart, and fix what's broken. We cling to the lie that we would be free of this torment if only someone else would understand. We keep explaining, describing, sometimes exaggerating to others, all the while missing the paradox that we need to believe and understand ourselves."

She goes on to invite us to say to ourselves, "There, there. Yes, I hear you. Yes, I understand. Yes, this is really hard, isn't it?" She encourages us to name with compassion our pain and sadness, fear or anger. This is exactly what we do for our friends and for those we love, isn't it? And aren't we worthy of love, too? Yes, we are.

It's not too late. Let's try to be as loving and compassionate to ourselves as we are to others.

Love that Inner Child

Do you know someone who feels unlovable? Perhaps you are the one who feels that way at times. I have experienced that myself, and I surely talk with lots of clients who have felt unlovable, too.

When this happens, it's good to tend to the Inner Child, whether it's yours or someone else's, for that's where feelings of not being worthy collect. Here's what Sue Patton Thoele writes in her book The Woman's Book of Courage: "When we feel unlovable, it is the wounded little girl in us who is hurting—the little girl inside who was either told or told herself that she was not okay, not worthy of being loved. Having the courage to love our own little girl is the primary step toward allowing others to find us lovable."

This is a good time to engage in some loving self-talk to assure your Inner Child that you love her and that she is loved by others, too. And if it's a friend who feels unlovable and unworthy, help her see that some loving and positive self-talk can change those feelings of unworthiness over time. That little girl (or little boy) inside can use some love and reassurance from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that. If you had a little one who felt sad because no one loved her, you would hold and cuddle her and assure her of your love. Do the same for your Inner Child. It can make a world of difference to how you view yourself.

It starts with self-love

"It all begins with loving yourself," my friend said when we discussed how easy it is to say what we want to do about our eating and exercise habits and our sleep patterns—and how difficult is the follow-through to make necessary changes.

Yes, it does begin there. Self-love is so important. And it's not something most of us women ever learned, I have discovered. In fact, many of us grew up thinking self-love equated with vanity and pride. Not so. Loving yourself doesn't mean you think you're better than anyone else. It's simply that: loving your self, loving who you were created to be, loving your body, loving your abilities, loving your spirit. It's a healthy thing to do, actually.

When you are able to love your self, you are much more able to love others. When you loathe yourself or feel shame over who you are, it's much easier to be judgmental and resentful of others for what they have and who they are.

And you will have more motivation to be healthy, to want to care for your body and spirit, to hold it in reverence.

If this is an issue with which you have trouble, please feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session.

Thank your body

Last week I saw a post on Facebook that the mother of a young woman shared. It was poignant and made me sad—and angry.

The mother had taken her daughter shopping for a dress for an upcoming formal. When the daughter tried on a lovely long red dress, the sales clerk told the daughter she needed to wear Spanx if she intended to buy that dress. For those unfamiliar with Spanx, just know they're undergarments intended to make the wearer look slimmer and more shapely.

What was the end result of that comment? The daughter felt ashamed of her body. There was nothing wrong with her body as it was. The clerk was going for perfection, no doubt. But who among us has a perfect body? And who cares?

In posting the photo of her daughter, the mother shared her anger that the clerk made her daughter feel ashamed of her body. This is nothing new. We women have been told for centuries that we should be concerned if our bodies aren't perfect, perfection always being defined by some external entity, of course.

Let's not fall for this. Let's be proud of our bodies. Let's be grateful for all those bodies do for us. Walk. Hold and hug. Draw. Type. Run. Create new life. Breathe. Fly planes. Design buildings or clothes. The list is absolutely endless.

And let's care for our bodies. Give them healthy food, sufficient rest, good exercise. Let's not let anyone shame us into hating our bodies. Enough of that already.

Approval & self-esteem

Earlier this week, a dear friend and I were discussing the need so many of us women have for approval and for love. We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We don't want to experience rejection. We don't like to be shunned.

There is nothing wrong with such needs. It's all a matter of balance, however, isn't it? It's a matter of staying grounded in our own authenticity and integrity. We want to be sure to keep our boundaries clear as to what behavior and words we'll accept (and not accept) from those around us. We don't need to bend over backward and lose ourselves in order to be loved and receive approval.

So it's really essential that we love ourselves and that we have self-compassion and a good sense of self-esteem. That's not always something about which we learned as we grew up, though. But here's the good news: It's never too late to learn those things. And as we're learning to better care for and love ourselves, we really need support and encouragement from each other. We can't do this alone.

If this is an area where you need some help and a part of your life you want to change, please contact me for a complimentary coaching strategy session. Let's see what you might do to find that balance for yourself.