Be still and be ready

Last week in my women's Bible study group, we talked about the role of the manger in the Christmas story. I had included a short poem in my December ezine, which had just been distributed the day before my group met. So we read that poem (by poet Barbara S. Germiat) in class. Here it is:

How to be a Manger

Be empty.
Be sturdy.
Be soft on the inside.
Be still.
Be ready.
Amen.

After we read it, someone suggested that, in the week until our next class, we find ways to "be a manger." What a fascinating assignment.

Already, I have found opportunities to listen to others as they share a painful story, a source of ongoing frustration, or a story of loss. I practiced being empty—just listening and being present as witness to someone else's life. It's been a reminder to me that most times when people share, they don't want or need advice. They need to be heard and validated. They need to be accepted and loved. They need us to "be a manger." Empty, still and ready.

Is this something you'd like to take on this season, too?

Love, not hate

On social media and in societal and social interactions, I see two competing forces at work. I see attempts and real efforts to access our better angels. For example, I heard about a girls' volleyball team from a fire-ravaged Paradise, California, school that decided to go ahead and play its game with a team in Auburn, California, despite not having its equipment and uniforms. When the girls arrived in Auburn, they were met with brand new uniforms, knee pads and socks for every player in addition to truckloads of donated clothes, a $300 gift card for each player and a dinner for the players and their families. What a beautiful story of support!

Then on the other hand, we see far too many news stories and social media posts displaying hate and anger. And as communications and public affairs strategist Steve Schmidt (who worked on Republican political campaigns such as for George W. Bush and Arizona Senator John McCain but who just this year renounced that party as "fully the party of Trump") said recently, "We have a billion-dollar anger industry in this country." He was speaking of the incitement to violence and "the assault on objective truth" that has been stoked lately.

All of this is a reminder to each of us to take a chill pill and not get hooked by all the hatred and anger we see all around us. Let's follow the example of the Auburn, California, girls' volleyball team and that community—and access our better angels! Let's be inspired by them and live in our integrity.

Digging under the words

National elections were held just yesterday. It's been an especially contentious election season. So many important issues have been the focus of national debate. Debate might seem like an extremely tepid or overly polite way to describe what's been occurring. Some days, it's more like food fights in a high school cafeteria!

Some of the issues that have been tackled are health care, immigration (except for Native Americans, we all got her through the process of immigration), voter suppression and gerrymandering, the #MeToo movement and all the broad strokes that surround issues related to women, reproductive rights and so much more.

I've been listening to the rhetoric and trying to pay attention to what's underneath the strong feelings and the words that are used—words that often are hurled at each other across an ever-increasing divide. Let's just take one of the issues: reproductive rights. Many feel the terminology typically used can be misleading: pro-life and pro-choice; and those people say that nearly everyone is for life and that it's a matter of who makes the decisions. So I've been thinking a good deal about what exactly the term pro-life means to people. I suspect if I asked 10 people, I might get 10 different answers.

I'm curious: What does it mean to you? For me, pro-life covers such a broad range of things—for example, attention to such issues as hunger, poverty, homelessness, child abuse and domestic violence, education, health care, gun laws and gun violence, just to name a very few. I see what happens throughout the life of that child who's born as a matter of concern. For me, it's more than simply having a child born; it's about making sure that child is safe, loved, cared for and has the best chance at quality of life that's possible. And in this wealthy nation of ours, I believe high quality of life IS possible if we have the will to see to it.

I would love to hear what you think about this and other issues. It's so easy to repeat rhetoric—words and phrases—that we hear politicians or others say. And sometimes we don't really examine those words to see what is underneath them. It's important to do so and to be sure the words we use really are authentic to us.

Love is expansive

I have long been inspired by writings of Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. So when I read this quote just now, it stopped me in my tracks:

"A real love letter is made of insight, understanding, and compassion. Otherwise it's not a love letter. A true love letter can produce a transformation in the other person, and therefore in the world. But before it produces a transformation in the other person, it has to produce a transformation within us. Some letters may take the whole of our lifetime to write."

Wow, that's a lot to digest. I want to spend more time reflecting on this idea.

Love is so much more than a warm, fuzzy feeling of the type we see on our TV screens or the big screen. Yes, it does include insight, understanding and compassion. It can lead to our transformation and that of the other person. Think of how someone's love and care for you can give you strength and courage to face life's challenges.

Love is so expansive. Unlike a pie that's confined in scope, love grows the more people we draw into its circle. Sometime, make a list of all the people who fall into that circle for you. Perhaps you have two or three people to whom you'd like to write a message telling how much they mean to you? Why wait? Do it now.

Bring the light of love

Unless you live in a cave and never listen to any news, you likely are painfully aware that this world is filled with darkness. So much murder and mayhem abounds. Some days, it can drag us way down, nearly drowning out our hope. Sometimes, I simply have to take a breather from news coverage. It's simply too depressing. I don't want to just focus on all the bad things that happen in the world.

The world has always been that way. However, there are always the helpers, too! We always have good people doing kind things. Those stories don't often make the news, however.

We need to remember, too, that darkness can be good. Nighttime and darkness means our bodies can enjoy much-needed rest. Dark, nutrient-rich soil enables a seed to sprout and grow. The darkness of a nourishing womb provides an environment for the embryo to grow into a viable baby.

But when darkness shows up in ways that harm others, it needs light to transform it to goodness. Each of us has the capability to be light-bearers. How can you bring light into the dark places of the world? What are the gifts you've been given that enable you to shine light into the darkness?

Let's think of ways we can bring the light of love into the dark places. Let's bring the light that allows hope to replace despair. Let's let the light shine through us so fears and anxieties don't overwhelm us and others. Let's bring light that will enable visions of peace for all humankind—light that will dispel misogyny and bigotry, replacing them with respect for all creatures. Let's bring the light of love that reminds us to live a life of gratitude and service to others.

All in the family

As my beloved sister and I help our brother deal with dementia, I am reminded once again of the importance of family. Family: The people who love you, who are there for you in the good times and the bad, the people who knew you when, the ones who know your flaws and failings and love you anyway, the ones who are your best supporters.

Except—this is not always the case. I have many friends whose families don't do that. They cannot go to family members and expect love, affirmation and support. Some have no families to which they can go at all. Others have families who simply are unable to provide love and support. Still others have experienced a rupture somewhere along the way.

But here's the good news. What I call "chosen families" also fill the bill! Often, dear friends are as close or closer to you than any family member might be. They will be there for you in good times and bad. And when your friendship goes back a long ways, you do know a lot about each other's stories and lives. This definitely can fill the bill!

Sadly, not all families of origin are what we would wish them to be. If that's the case for you, don't despair. Remember that families don't have to be connected by blood. They can be connected by love!

Do you have any "chosen family" members? (Even when you have a loving family, you might still have some "chosen family" too.) Be grateful if you do! Thank them for being in your life.

'I am loved'

I recently saw a journal exercise that would be fun to try. First, you are asked to list the ways you think someone you love would describe you. Second, you then go to them and ask them to list their favorite elements of who you are. Then compare their list to yours. In the exercise instructions, you are invited to not be shy, because "it will make them so happy to tell you why they love you!"

Are you willing to try this? Often, we think others would let us down if we tried such an exercise. We think others see us as we see ourselves—and who is harder on us than our very self?! In truth, such an exercise might make the other person happy. But it surely would make us happy, too—that is, if we can suspend our disbelief and self-doubt long enough to really believe the other person is sincere.

Sometimes we do a real number on ourselves and think of someone who compliments us, "Oh, they have to say that" or "They're just saying that; they really don't mean it." We don't think we're worthy of love.

Make it a point today to let go of that kind of thinking. Shed those old tapes that tell you that you aren't worth loving. Believe people when they say they love you. Believe in your own lovability!! Remind yourself every day that you are lovable. Repeat to yourself, "I am loved, and I am worthy of love." For letting go of the old negative messages is only half the equation; the other half is to fill your head space with new, positive tapes!

'A life well loved'

I may have mentioned before that I like the Magnolia Manifesto that's printed in The Magnolia Journal: Inspiration for Life and Home magazine I receive. This is done by Joanna and Chip Gaines of HGTV fame. Forgive me if I've already quoted from it before. I don't recall. Even if I have, some things bear repeating!

The Manifesto says, in part:

"We believe:
—that failure needn't be a negative thing; rather, we learn from our mistakes and fail smarter next time.
—in courage, in cartwheeling past our comfort zones and trying something a little bit scary every day.
—in subtle beauty, the kind that doesn't deteriorate with age or wear.
...and of all heroic pursuits large or small, we believe there may be none greater than a life well loved."

What more can I even add? Learning from mistakes? Definitely! Beauty that goes much further than skin deep? Oh, yes! And a life well loved? Indeed. Love wins!

What's inside fear & loss?

I've often mentioned in my blogs that one of my favorite inspirational authors is Mark Nepo. I have read several of his books—and only recently, bought a couple more. One of those is Things That Join the Sea and the Sky: Field Notes on Living.

One of the things Nepo wrote in that book is:

"I don't know why, but for all I've been through—almost dying, almost living, seeking love till I've become love, seeking truth till I've become a question—for all of it, I'm certain that inside every nut is a seed. Inside every fear, a pin of light. Inside every desperation, a drop of being. Inside every loss, an inch of what can never be lost. And inside every burden, a pearl of worth. I don't know why, but I'm certain that the pearl of worth is waiting for us to dive to the bottom of all trouble, to pry the shell of burden open, and to bring the gem we were born to carry to the surface."

One of the images that come to mind when I read this is that of the Russian nesting dolls. When you remove the top of the largest doll, another doll is nesting inside. Take off the top of that doll and yet another smaller doll nests inside. This continues until you reach the tiniest doll of all, hidden inside all the others. And she doesn't come apart.

For certain—"inside every nut is a seed." I ask myself, do I take the time to look inside my fear? My desperation? My loss? My burden? If I do, that's where the riches can be found.

And what is the gem I was born to bring to the surface?

What about you?

Grandparenting as a role

My time with my 11-year-old granddaughter is nearing an end. She will fly back home to Oregon tomorrow. This two weeks with her has been such a joy.

It has been a reminder to me of the importance of various roles in our lives. The role of grandparent is one I take seriously. It's far different from being a parent—for in that role, we're responsible for the care and feeding of our children. A grandparent generally doesn't have that day-to-day responsibility but can enjoy the younger generation in a way we were too busy to do when we raised our children. Grandparents are role models and mentors, historians (telling the family stories and offering a window into their parent's childhood) and more; and we can spend more time having fun than one is able to do when one is busy parenting. We can love unconditionally, giving while expecting nothing specific in return. We worry less about discipline and, yes, we have the privilege of spoiling grandchildren. We can be the champions of our grandchildren.

If we have reached retirement, we have more time to play and do the activities we may not have had time for when we raised our grandchildren's parents! We may even have gotten our priorities straight after having lived several years! For example, I wish I had spent less time housecleaning when my sons were growing up. I like a clean house, but it didn't really have to be as clean as I felt it needed to be!

If you don't have grandchildren but have young nieces and nephews or have children of dear friends who could use some extra attention and love, I encourage you to get involved. There's so much to be gained by you and the child. 

Inspirational tidbits for today

I subscribe to The Magnolia Journal, the magazine of "Inspiration for life and home" put together by Joanna and Chip Gaines of HGTV fame. Truthfully, I often find inspiration in its pages. So their motto holds true for me.

In the latest issue on "curiosity," the editors included what they call the "Magnolia Manifesto" on what they believe. The manifesto contained several items that I want to pass along because I think they're worth some reflection:

"We believe:
—that friends who feel like family are the best kind of friends and that nothing matters more than family.
—that today is a gift and that every day miracles are scattered about if only we have eyes to see them.
—that failure needn't be a negative thing; rather, we learn from our mistakes and fail smarter next time.
—in doing work that we love and, in choosing that, nudging others toward doing what they love.
...and of all heroic pursuits large or small, we believe there may be none greater than a life well loved."

So what do you think? Do those resonate with you, too? There were more, but these were some of my favorites. One could journal several pages on each of those items. Give them some thought and see whether they inspire you today. May your day be bright and filled with beauty!

Love, honor and heal

I have a beautiful coffee-table book titled Finding Ourselves on Sacred Ground by Jan Phillips and Ruth Westreich. This book contains their photographs accompanied by prose and poetry to inspire. The other day I read this:

"Your spiritual practice is the space and place where you love yourself—honor, heal and collect yourself. It is where you lose and find yourself, where you hear the sound of intelligence knocking and open your arms to welcome her gifts.

"It is the communion table where yin and yang, light and dark, masculine and feminine, body and soul dissolve their borders and melt like chocolate into each others' arms.

"What use can you be to yourself or others when you fail to heal your open wounds, drink in the light, thresh and winnow the grist of your life?"

Phillips and Westreich have given us a lot upon which to reflect in those words, haven't they? There's an invitation to love self and to find healing for our wounds. These things are so important for, just as they said, "What use can you be to yourself or others" without that? As we know, wounded people wound others—if those wounds are not healed. I'm sure you have experienced that just as I have, both by being on the receiving end and also being the one who has wounded others.

Resolve to tend to your spiritual practice today.

From hatred to love and listening

Do you ever wonder how we will ever bridge our differences in this country, whether they be political, religious, class, economic, racial or any other form? It seems to me that we do a lot more shouting at each other than listening these days.

For that reason, when I heard about this TED talk by Megan Phelps-Roper, I just had to listen to it. I was deeply moved by her story of growing up in a hate-filled family and hate-filled church—and then learning to move beyond that hatred to love and listen. Her message is all about really listening to people with whom we strongly disagree. And it seems that's what our world needs right now: the ability to listen even when we don't agree!

It hit home with me particularly since I experienced the hatred of her family and church when as a religious journalist, I attended a church convention where the inclusion of gay clergy was under discussion. When the convention broke for lunch and my staff and I walked outside to find a restaurant in which to eat, we had to walk through a gauntlet of members of that church. The assembled protesters ranged in age from toddlers all the way up to the elderly. From the children to the grandparents, they were all yelling at those of us exiting the convention hall, shouting things such as, "God hates you" and "You're all going to hell." The hair on the back of my neck stood up at being surrounded by such deep hatred. So I can only imagine what her life was like until she reached a turning point.

Take a listen and see if you aren't moved to listen more deeply to those with whom you disagree!

We treat others as we treat ourselves

Last Wednesday we talked about strengthening our compassion muscle, and we mentioned how much easier it is to feel compassion for others when we have self-compassion.

In her book Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, author and religion historian Karen Armstrong says:

"The Golden Rule asks that we use our own feelings as a guide to our behavior with others. If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat other people. We recognize flaws in some of our closest friends, but this does not diminish our affection for them. Nor should it affect the way we value ourselves. Before we can make friends with others, we have to make a friend of our own self. Suffering is a law of life, and it is essential to acknowledge our own pain or we shall find it impossible to have compassion for the distress of others."

This quote contains so much truth about love of self and compassion toward self being the starting point of loving others and showing them compassion that there's really not much more to add. Armstrong has put it succinctly and honestly, and I can't improve on her words.

'Love more'

Even though I'm a Norwegian, I have to hand it to those Swedes! One of their proverbs goes like this: "Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, and all good things will be yours."

I can't argue with that. And, of course, I'm just teasing about the Swedes—even though this really is touted as a Swedish proverb.

More hope and less fear would be a good thing right now. So much of what is happening in our country (and around the globe) these days is fueled by fears of all sorts. We'd be far better off truly facing these fears and addressing them than to lash out at others because of them.

As for chewing more, yes, one of the things I learned in Weight Watchers was the benefit of chewing more slowly. By doing so, I was told I would eat less. True enough. It's still something I'm working on, however!

And whining? Yup, we know how unattractive that is in children—and in adults, well, that's truly disgusting. As for making our words count—I'm sure we can all agree with that.

And love more? Yes, the world truly does need more love. If each person truly felt loved, how different might this world be? So let's each do our part—and add more love to the world.

Focus on love

Today is Valentine's Day. The focus often is on couples. But really, let's just put the focus on love in general—love of others (which, I might add, is made far easier when you learn to love yourself first).

One of my favorite inspirational writers, Mark Nepo, says some good things in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred. He writes:

"And the work of love involves holding nothing back and being with other living things in a way that lets them grow, that affirms their sense of safety in the world. ...there is no substitute for going through things together. And it is often through an unexpected empathy that we become a conduit for the human struggle until one person's humanity reveals the whole of humanity. In this way, kindness itself is a way of life.

"All of this is the work of love, the most personal and crucial teacher we will ever meet. ... How is love asking you to grow?"

Later on, Nepo asks "Which is currently stronger in you: love or fear?"

There are two good questions on which to reflect right there. How is love asking you to grow? Which is stronger in you: love or fear?

For those who want to be more

A book I first read when I was just in my 30s is still one of my favorites. Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus, illustrated like a children's book, is a book for adults who want to be what they were meant to be—who want the "more" of life.

I have so many favorite passages. Here's one part I especially like:

"Butterfly—that word," she thought. "Tell me, sir, what is a butterfly?

"It's what you are meant to become. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries the seeds of love from one flower to another.

"Without butterflies, the world would soon have few flowers."

So here's a thought for you and me as we look out onto cold or snow-covered landscapes that are momentarily free from flowers and butterflies: How are you carrying the seeds of love? How do you see yourself searching for the "more" of life? How are you moving toward becoming all you were meant to be?

What might you need to do to soar like a butterfly and "join the earth to heaven"?

Can we learn the art of civil conversations?

In recent days I've seen this posted on Facebook: "Being taught to avoid talking about politics and religion has led to a lack of understanding of politics and religion.

"What we should have been taught was how to have a civil conversation about a difficult topic."

And my response to that is this: "Yes. And it's never too late to learn the skill. We can bring that gift to the world."

So as we approach the end of yet another year—an extremely divisive year filled with increasing levels of hatred and violence, it seems—let us do everything we can to either learn that skill or brush up on it, if we already know how to have such conversations. It's so sorely needed right now.

I know many people who have lost friendships or refused to spend holidays with family just because of this inability. They simply couldn't talk about politics, religion or any of the difficult issues that confront us without fighting or name-calling.

So let's do everything we can to bring more light, love and peace into the world. That starts with respect and civil conversation.

Be watchful—and sensitive

I'm writing this on December 21—the start of winter and the shortest day. My congregation is having a "Blue Christmas" service tonight for those who may not experience Christmas this year as a joyful event. There are so many reasons that might be true: illness, business setback, job loss—and in our congregation, two deaths just this week in addition to others in the past few months. This service will be more subdued than the others this weekend.

It's always good to remember that not everyone experiences happiness, joy or feelings of peace and serenity at this time of year. It's a good time to be respectful of where others are in their life journey and what's happening with them.

Just yesterday, in fact, my fiance and I had lunch out. We were served by a woman who has served us many times before. When we asked how she was, she appeared near tears. I asked what was wrong, and she told us how her mother-in-law had just died suddenly. Her husband's mother was an essential part of their family's life and had been expected to pull through the diagnosis she got only two months earlier. Now they were facing a funeral and a huge gap in their lives ... all just days before Christmas.

Stay tuned in to what people are feeling. Pay attention. We cannot assume this time of year is a warm, fuzzy or joyful time for everyone. It's a good time to show compassion and love to all those we meet. Who knows what even a smile can mean to someone you see on the street or in a store?

Embrace the questions

I find such joy in reading the words and wisdom of others and then running it through my own experiences and filters to see what it might be saying for me—and what I might even pass along to others from that endeavor.

Mark Nepo is one of my favorite authors and poets. He is so honest and real, and that helps me dig down beneath any masks and beliefs that really no longer work but that I may not yet have shed.

In his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred, he says: "So being here involves more than just reacting to the things that come at us. It requires that we initiate a love affair with all that calls to us, seen and unseen; that we run with open arms into questions and moments of living as urgently as we do burning buildings to retrieve who and what we love."

Despite my best efforts to stay awake and be truly present each day, I often feel that I do too much reacting to what comes at me. I sometimes avoid the questions I should be asking because deep down I know they'll be uncomfortable and may lead me somewhere outside my comfort zone. So I like the image of running "with open arms into questions." Hmmm, what might that lead me to?

How does that strike you?