Let go of judgmentalism

We all want to see ourselves in the very best light possible. And we definitely hope that others see us in that light, too. We'd prefer that others not even know we have a shadow side or any flaws. Sometimes we're even extremely good at ignoring those things ourselves.

But it seems to me that the more we get in touch with our own shadow side and what we're capable of doing in our worst moments, the less judgmental we'll be of others—and the more forgiving we'll be of them when they hurt us or let us down.

Judgmentalism isn't pretty. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of it. And it's not nice to spend our lives sitting in judgment of others, either. It can ruin relationships, and it won't move us in positive directions either.

Pay attention to those times when you do, say or think things that you'd rather you hadn't done, said or thought. Be honest about those times and acknowledge it all as a part of your shadow side. Forgive yourself because you're human. Then extend that same acknowledgment and forgiveness to others. Liberate yourself and let go of judgmentalism. You'll be so glad you did!

No finger-pointing allowed!

Last week in my women's Bible study group, we talked about not judging other people. Ouch, that's a tough one, isn't it? It's always so easy to point fingers at others—to see their mistakes and flaws while overlooking our own. And, of course, when we point a finger at others, we have four pointing back at ourselves.

German poet, author and statesman Johann Wolfgang von Goethe put it this way: "Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean."

Yup, let's pay attention to our own front stoop, not to anyone else's. If each of us tended to our own business in that way, the whole world would indeed be clean.

I want to keep this in mind as I move into this new year. 

Less judgment—more forgiveness

So you watch someone's actions. You listen to their words. You see their life from a distance—and you jump to conclusions about what type of person they are, what political party they support, what their faith life must be like, what their beliefs are, etc. Do you ever do that? Me, too.

And I really don't like that I do that.

We all know that it's wrong (and generally way off base) to judge others. Still, it's so tempting to do so.

We have absolutely no idea what goes on behind the closed doors of someone's home. They may look carefree and problem-free on the outside, but we have no idea about the burdens they're carrying or what they're enduring at the moment. And we surely have no idea of what others are thinking, feeling or believing.

So this is just a reminder to myself—and to you, if you need it—to stop with the judging already. Let's cut each other slack. Let's assume that people really are trying to do their best. Let's operate with a bit more grace and forgiveness. The world will be a better place for it. And we'll be better people for it.

Emotions & neutrality

Have you been guilty of doing what I've done for way too many years—judging my emotions and putting labels on them? Happiness is good. Anger is bad, etc.

Through the years, I've learned that emotions simply are. They're not good or bad. How we feel is how we feel. And yet, some old tapes play every now and again ... and I return to judging my emotions.

If you do that, too, perhaps you'll also want to try learning the power of neutrality. Declare a neutral zone for your emotions. It's OK to feel whatever emotion comes up. It's what we do with those emotions—how we act them out—that can be positive or negative. If, for example, I feel anger at something you say to me, that's real and honest. Not good or bad. Just neutral. However, if I turn around and smack you because I'm angry, I've definitely moved things out of neutral territory. On the other hand, if I can register the anger inside (notice and acknowledge the feeling), stop and then make a decision as to what I'll do about it, I'm much better off. Most likely, I'll then do one of two things: say something right on the spot about how the remark made me feel—or excuse myself because I don't trust what I might say right then. In that case, I'll reflect on what's just happened and then decide how and when to talk about it with you—or even if I need to say anything at all.

Considering what to do with our emotions is a helpful thing to do. Judging the emotion itself is not. Allow yourself that feeling of neutrality and give yourself the space to decide how to act on the emotion, if any action is needed at all. Let go of judging.

Approval and judgment

Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us like to have the approval of others. Some of us spend a good deal of time trying to gain it. A few nearly turn themselves into pretzels doing and saying things that they might not otherwise so that they'll be liked. It's not necessarily something we outgrow, so let's not just point fingers at teens and their desire to fit in.

Think about this, though: approval of someone is really about judgment. And the judgment of others or even our self-judgment can stifle who we really are.

So perhaps instead of spending so much energy editing who we are so we're liked, we might rather consider who we are when we're our most authentic selves—and spend our energy working toward that. Let's let go of all the words and behaviors that have shaped us in an inauthentic way—even if they're our own words.

If you're not sure who your authentic, true self is—and you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me. It can be an exciting journey to wholeness.