On Wednesday I talked about emotional eating—and about the idea of being comfortable with some discomfort. For example, if we're sad, we might reach for our favorite food (cookies, chips, chocolate or whatever is our go-to food). Or if we're anxious or bored, the same is true. "Maybe I'll feel better if I have some chocolate!"
Even when we are happy, we might think we should celebrate with a favorite snack. "I deserve it!"
So a recent issue of WeightWatchers magazine gave 5 tips on how to take charge of emotional eating:
• Figure out what you're feeling.
• Practice putting space between thoughts and actions. (See if you can hold off 5 minutes, for example. That time just might mean you'll have moved on and not feel the desire anymore.)
• Take a long, slow inhale. (People often encourage us to take "deep breaths" for a reason.)
• Mind your thoughts. (Remind yourself they're just words, simply fleeting experiences.)
• Keep some distance. In other words, don't identify with the thoughts. Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts. You have the thoughts.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Friday, April 14, 2017
Monday, October 31, 2016
Explore the feelings, too
I keep hearing about people who have ruptured relationships with family and friends over this year's presidential election. Obviously, there are many things over which we can experience conflict. But this election process has been especially pernicious.
So when I read last week in my copy of Thomas F. Crum's The Magic of Conflict, I found some helpful insights: "In creatively resolving those everyday fights at home or in the office, the willingness to understand the other side is essential. ... As long as we are involved at the level of the issue, we never understand the other side. ... Being willing to understand is your chance to embrace all aspects of a conflict, not just the positions, but also the feelings, the beliefs, and the interests that both sides have."
That makes so much sense to me. Our deeply held beliefs are so complex—and are about far more than the issue itself. They stem from feelings and interests and much more. So it's helpful if we can really listen deeply to another as they explain what it means to them to have taken the position they hold. And we need to fully examine our own position and be able to explore the many pieces that underlie that, too. If we can have respectful conversation around all those additional facets, perhaps we can actually hope to find common ground. After all, we are complex human beings. It follows that our positions and beliefs grow out of that complexity. Let's take the time to drill down and honor each other enough to learn what's under the positions of others as well as our own beliefs.
So when I read last week in my copy of Thomas F. Crum's The Magic of Conflict, I found some helpful insights: "In creatively resolving those everyday fights at home or in the office, the willingness to understand the other side is essential. ... As long as we are involved at the level of the issue, we never understand the other side. ... Being willing to understand is your chance to embrace all aspects of a conflict, not just the positions, but also the feelings, the beliefs, and the interests that both sides have."
That makes so much sense to me. Our deeply held beliefs are so complex—and are about far more than the issue itself. They stem from feelings and interests and much more. So it's helpful if we can really listen deeply to another as they explain what it means to them to have taken the position they hold. And we need to fully examine our own position and be able to explore the many pieces that underlie that, too. If we can have respectful conversation around all those additional facets, perhaps we can actually hope to find common ground. After all, we are complex human beings. It follows that our positions and beliefs grow out of that complexity. Let's take the time to drill down and honor each other enough to learn what's under the positions of others as well as our own beliefs.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Emotions & neutrality
Have you been guilty of doing what I've done for way too many years—judging my emotions and putting labels on them? Happiness is good. Anger is bad, etc.
Through the years, I've learned that emotions simply are. They're not good or bad. How we feel is how we feel. And yet, some old tapes play every now and again ... and I return to judging my emotions.
If you do that, too, perhaps you'll also want to try learning the power of neutrality. Declare a neutral zone for your emotions. It's OK to feel whatever emotion comes up. It's what we do with those emotions—how we act them out—that can be positive or negative. If, for example, I feel anger at something you say to me, that's real and honest. Not good or bad. Just neutral. However, if I turn around and smack you because I'm angry, I've definitely moved things out of neutral territory. On the other hand, if I can register the anger inside (notice and acknowledge the feeling), stop and then make a decision as to what I'll do about it, I'm much better off. Most likely, I'll then do one of two things: say something right on the spot about how the remark made me feel—or excuse myself because I don't trust what I might say right then. In that case, I'll reflect on what's just happened and then decide how and when to talk about it with you—or even if I need to say anything at all.
Considering what to do with our emotions is a helpful thing to do. Judging the emotion itself is not. Allow yourself that feeling of neutrality and give yourself the space to decide how to act on the emotion, if any action is needed at all. Let go of judging.
Through the years, I've learned that emotions simply are. They're not good or bad. How we feel is how we feel. And yet, some old tapes play every now and again ... and I return to judging my emotions.
If you do that, too, perhaps you'll also want to try learning the power of neutrality. Declare a neutral zone for your emotions. It's OK to feel whatever emotion comes up. It's what we do with those emotions—how we act them out—that can be positive or negative. If, for example, I feel anger at something you say to me, that's real and honest. Not good or bad. Just neutral. However, if I turn around and smack you because I'm angry, I've definitely moved things out of neutral territory. On the other hand, if I can register the anger inside (notice and acknowledge the feeling), stop and then make a decision as to what I'll do about it, I'm much better off. Most likely, I'll then do one of two things: say something right on the spot about how the remark made me feel—or excuse myself because I don't trust what I might say right then. In that case, I'll reflect on what's just happened and then decide how and when to talk about it with you—or even if I need to say anything at all.
Considering what to do with our emotions is a helpful thing to do. Judging the emotion itself is not. Allow yourself that feeling of neutrality and give yourself the space to decide how to act on the emotion, if any action is needed at all. Let go of judging.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Feel the hurt, don't stuff it
The painful experiences of our lives, if examined and processed, can become the fodder for much of our growth and transformation. If we just stuff them down and tuck them away, however, we never get the opportunity to experience the lessons that likely are embedded within the experiences.
As Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins say in their book The Feminine Face of God, "If we lock away the fearful, painful experiences of our lives—the death of a loved one, a betrayal, or a passion that is not approved by society—we cut them off from their natural cycling. They are not washed by our tears. They are not exposed to the warmth of our heart or the light of our consciousness. And so these old emotions and memories can not break down to become sources of new life."
That says it all. I really don't need to expand on that. Don't be afraid to feel the hurt and pain, examine it and work with it until it can be transformed into some type of new life for you.
As Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins say in their book The Feminine Face of God, "If we lock away the fearful, painful experiences of our lives—the death of a loved one, a betrayal, or a passion that is not approved by society—we cut them off from their natural cycling. They are not washed by our tears. They are not exposed to the warmth of our heart or the light of our consciousness. And so these old emotions and memories can not break down to become sources of new life."
That says it all. I really don't need to expand on that. Don't be afraid to feel the hurt and pain, examine it and work with it until it can be transformed into some type of new life for you.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Uncomfortable? Own it.
This quote from TV's Mr. Rogers just nails it, I think: "People have said, 'Don’t cry' to other people for years and years, and
all it has ever meant is, 'I’m too uncomfortable when you show your
feelings. Don’t cry.' I’d rather have them say, 'Go ahead and cry. I’m
here to be with you.'"
It's so easy to project our feelings onto other people, whether it be discomfort or whether it be the arrogance of thinking that what's good for us will definitely be good for everyone else.
Ever had someone say to you that you absolutely must go to this or that doctor or try this or that experience because it was great for them and they think everyone would benefit just as they did? I'm sure it's all well-intentioned. But I think that what works for me may not necessarily work for someone else. And vice versa. We are unique in our tastes and in how we respond to things, too.
And when it comes to showing our emotions, we definitely are unique. I remember when my father was dying in a hospice facility. One of the caregivers urged our family members to be gentle and patient with one another because, as she said, each one of us would experience his dying differently. She was so right. So it's always a good idea to check what's really going on for us before making a remark such as, "Don't cry." Is it our discomfort? When someone is crying or showing any type of emotion, the important thing is to be present to them. Be there for that person. Affirm. Validate. Support.
It's so easy to project our feelings onto other people, whether it be discomfort or whether it be the arrogance of thinking that what's good for us will definitely be good for everyone else.
Ever had someone say to you that you absolutely must go to this or that doctor or try this or that experience because it was great for them and they think everyone would benefit just as they did? I'm sure it's all well-intentioned. But I think that what works for me may not necessarily work for someone else. And vice versa. We are unique in our tastes and in how we respond to things, too.
And when it comes to showing our emotions, we definitely are unique. I remember when my father was dying in a hospice facility. One of the caregivers urged our family members to be gentle and patient with one another because, as she said, each one of us would experience his dying differently. She was so right. So it's always a good idea to check what's really going on for us before making a remark such as, "Don't cry." Is it our discomfort? When someone is crying or showing any type of emotion, the important thing is to be present to them. Be there for that person. Affirm. Validate. Support.
Friday, March 11, 2016
Feel—& then heal
Our Western culture seems uncomfortable with the grieving process. We praise and admire people for holding up, for staying strong, for re-engaging life so quickly after a loss. It's as though we can't move on quickly enough.
Since I've spent a good deal of my life as a strong, leap-tall-buildings-single-bound person, I understand why grieving can seem like weakness and too much vulnerability. However, it's not healthy to be strong all the time. It's actually a sign of strength to be vulnerable—to acknowledge loss and spend time grieving it. By being open and real about those losses we suffer and spending time grieving them, we allow ourselves to be cleaned out and to heal. And we can move on far more quickly.
I've heard this comment, "You can't heal what you don't feel;" and it makes complete sense to me. If we have no sense of the impact of a loss we suffer, and we can't even feel that loss, how would we hope to heal from it?
When I say this to you, I'm saying it to myself, too. I really need to hear this: Real strength means being whole—experiencing and expressing both joy and sadness.
Since I've spent a good deal of my life as a strong, leap-tall-buildings-single-bound person, I understand why grieving can seem like weakness and too much vulnerability. However, it's not healthy to be strong all the time. It's actually a sign of strength to be vulnerable—to acknowledge loss and spend time grieving it. By being open and real about those losses we suffer and spending time grieving them, we allow ourselves to be cleaned out and to heal. And we can move on far more quickly.
I've heard this comment, "You can't heal what you don't feel;" and it makes complete sense to me. If we have no sense of the impact of a loss we suffer, and we can't even feel that loss, how would we hope to heal from it?
When I say this to you, I'm saying it to myself, too. I really need to hear this: Real strength means being whole—experiencing and expressing both joy and sadness.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
From the old to the new
As you think about the New Year approaching, do you make resolutions, set intentions or think about what you want it to look like? Do you reflect on the year about to end to see what learnings have come for you from the experiences you had?
I hope you take some time to celebrate what you've learned—the transformation you've seen in yourself—any growth that has occurred. Take time, too, to feel the sadness and pain of any losses that occurred throughout the year.
It's always good to start the New Year with a clean slate. Start with a heart that's open and free. Deal with the emotions that might have accumulated before they become so oversized that they hit you between the eyes or temporarily knock you flat. Emotions that we push down and don't let ourselves feel have a way of packing a bigger punch than they would if we faced them squarely at the time we first feel them.
I encourage you to take some time now at year's end to reflect—and prepare yourself for the New Year. For a good New Year!
I hope you take some time to celebrate what you've learned—the transformation you've seen in yourself—any growth that has occurred. Take time, too, to feel the sadness and pain of any losses that occurred throughout the year.
It's always good to start the New Year with a clean slate. Start with a heart that's open and free. Deal with the emotions that might have accumulated before they become so oversized that they hit you between the eyes or temporarily knock you flat. Emotions that we push down and don't let ourselves feel have a way of packing a bigger punch than they would if we faced them squarely at the time we first feel them.
I encourage you to take some time now at year's end to reflect—and prepare yourself for the New Year. For a good New Year!
Monday, November 30, 2015
Experience the full range of feelings
Nobody likes to feel pain and sadness. It goes without saying that we much prefer to experience joy and happiness.
Here's the deal, though: If you and I try to numb out the pain so we don't feel the sadness, we will also numb out the joyful parts of our lives—or at the very least, tamp them down. When we are intent on pushing down one emotion, it affects all the other emotions. It's really impossible to simply select to experience this or that emotion while shutting out others. We can try push down the sadness, but it's still there—and will either leak out in strange ways little by little or erupt in a big way some day. Emotions don't come with a control panel that allows you to select one over another.
Far better that we try to be real about all our emotions, experiencing them to the full extent. Of course, it isn't fun to feel sad. However, if we are willing to face the sadness and walk through the grief and pain, we most likely will learn some things. Perhaps we'll learn things about ourselves; for example, we might realize that we're stronger than we thought. Or we might learn who our real friends are—and be totally surprised at how wonderful it can be to be cared for by dear friends when we're going through a tough time. And, eventually, when we walk through the grief and sadness, we will come out on the other side. There will be a day again when the sky is blue and you can hear the birds sing again.
Here's the deal, though: If you and I try to numb out the pain so we don't feel the sadness, we will also numb out the joyful parts of our lives—or at the very least, tamp them down. When we are intent on pushing down one emotion, it affects all the other emotions. It's really impossible to simply select to experience this or that emotion while shutting out others. We can try push down the sadness, but it's still there—and will either leak out in strange ways little by little or erupt in a big way some day. Emotions don't come with a control panel that allows you to select one over another.
Far better that we try to be real about all our emotions, experiencing them to the full extent. Of course, it isn't fun to feel sad. However, if we are willing to face the sadness and walk through the grief and pain, we most likely will learn some things. Perhaps we'll learn things about ourselves; for example, we might realize that we're stronger than we thought. Or we might learn who our real friends are—and be totally surprised at how wonderful it can be to be cared for by dear friends when we're going through a tough time. And, eventually, when we walk through the grief and sadness, we will come out on the other side. There will be a day again when the sky is blue and you can hear the birds sing again.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Emotions & health
Several months ago I saw the movie "Inside Out," which was an animated journey inside the mind of a young girl. Five personified emotions provided the film's interest—Joy, Anger, Disgust, Fear and Sadness—as the young girl met challenges in her life.
While billed as a children's movie (a Pixar/Walt Disney release), this really was an adult movie, too, with several levels of meaning.
What I took away most from it was how important is each one of our emotions. While each of us has a go-to emotion, one we display more than others, each emotion does have its place. We need the full range of emotions.
There are times when our anger is completely appropriate, for example, when we're faced with terrible injustice. Anger has energy to it that can carry us through a situation. Of course, the thing to know about that anger is that after a while, we reach a point where it becomes a ball-and-chain for us; and it's time to let it go. And fear? We know that can be important to alert us to possible danger ahead.
So don't be afraid of your emotions and feelings. Know there's a time and place for each one ... and that they can work together in a healthy way once you learn the role and appropriateness of each one. Notice what you're feeling and how that changes. Be aware when you're carrying anger around well beyond its usefulness, for example. Let go. Awareness of your emotional range is key. Then you can be sure to use your emotions in a healthy way.
While billed as a children's movie (a Pixar/Walt Disney release), this really was an adult movie, too, with several levels of meaning.
What I took away most from it was how important is each one of our emotions. While each of us has a go-to emotion, one we display more than others, each emotion does have its place. We need the full range of emotions.
There are times when our anger is completely appropriate, for example, when we're faced with terrible injustice. Anger has energy to it that can carry us through a situation. Of course, the thing to know about that anger is that after a while, we reach a point where it becomes a ball-and-chain for us; and it's time to let it go. And fear? We know that can be important to alert us to possible danger ahead.
So don't be afraid of your emotions and feelings. Know there's a time and place for each one ... and that they can work together in a healthy way once you learn the role and appropriateness of each one. Notice what you're feeling and how that changes. Be aware when you're carrying anger around well beyond its usefulness, for example. Let go. Awareness of your emotional range is key. Then you can be sure to use your emotions in a healthy way.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Feel the gratitude
We hear more and more these days about the part that gratitude can play in our lives. We know it opens us up to seeing even more good things in our lives, things we may not have noticed before or that we may have taken for granted.
Here's something else I'm learning: It can help to do more than just think the thoughts of gratitude. Sure, it's great to think about those things for which we're grateful, perhaps even list them in a journal. But we can take our gratitude to another level by allowing ourselves to feel the gratitude physically.
Stop a moment and really pay attention. Call to mind two or three things for which you're grateful right now. Picture them, one at a time, in your mind. What do you feel as you do that? Say you're picturing your loved ones. Do you find the very image of them brings a smile to your face. Does your heart feel more open? Do you just feel lighter—as though you'll have more bounce in your step?
Sometimes it's good to just stop and allow ourselves to feel the gratitude. It's definitely an excellent way to start the day. But it can add to your health and happiness no matter when you do this during the day!
Here's something else I'm learning: It can help to do more than just think the thoughts of gratitude. Sure, it's great to think about those things for which we're grateful, perhaps even list them in a journal. But we can take our gratitude to another level by allowing ourselves to feel the gratitude physically.
Stop a moment and really pay attention. Call to mind two or three things for which you're grateful right now. Picture them, one at a time, in your mind. What do you feel as you do that? Say you're picturing your loved ones. Do you find the very image of them brings a smile to your face. Does your heart feel more open? Do you just feel lighter—as though you'll have more bounce in your step?
Sometimes it's good to just stop and allow ourselves to feel the gratitude. It's definitely an excellent way to start the day. But it can add to your health and happiness no matter when you do this during the day!
Friday, March 6, 2015
Perspective: It matters
I was not happy. That's really an understatement.
Yesterday after I left my women's Bible study group, I had some errands to run and lots of work piled up and waiting for me at home. My last stop was at the grocery store. I got home about 1:30, starving for lunch (it's later than I generally eat). But as I put my groceries away, I noticed that the on-the-vine tomatoes I had such a taste for and did pay for were not in any of the bags I unpacked. In fact, they probably were still sitting in a bag hanging from one of the hooks containing multiple shopping bags in the store check-out line. Grrrr. I was not a happy camper. I growled and stomped around a little just to get my frustration out.
Then I called the store. Yup, the tomatoes were still there. "I want them today so I'll be right over to get them," I told the guest service department clerk (after a 5-10 minute wait on the phone, of course).
I kept thinking I didn't have time for this nonsense. But I wanted the tomatoes. I felt my anger and frustration, got it out with a few choice words and complaining. And then I told myself, "OK, let it go, Sonia. In a month, it won't matter. In fact, in a week, it won't matter." And as my sister asks when she wants to gain perspective: "Do you have cancer? No. Well, then, it's not so serious."
We need to be attentive to our emotions and feelings. Acknowledge them. Get them out of our bodies. Then let them go. And taking a longer view helps us gain perspective. My life wasn't going to change drastically if I didn't have those tomatoes. I wanted them that day—not the next. But that extra trip, irritating as it was to me at the time, wasn't going to be life-changing either. I needed a change in view. When to-do lists get too long, it's easy to lose perspective, isn't it?
What do you do to keep perspective and take a longer view?
Yesterday after I left my women's Bible study group, I had some errands to run and lots of work piled up and waiting for me at home. My last stop was at the grocery store. I got home about 1:30, starving for lunch (it's later than I generally eat). But as I put my groceries away, I noticed that the on-the-vine tomatoes I had such a taste for and did pay for were not in any of the bags I unpacked. In fact, they probably were still sitting in a bag hanging from one of the hooks containing multiple shopping bags in the store check-out line. Grrrr. I was not a happy camper. I growled and stomped around a little just to get my frustration out.
Then I called the store. Yup, the tomatoes were still there. "I want them today so I'll be right over to get them," I told the guest service department clerk (after a 5-10 minute wait on the phone, of course).
I kept thinking I didn't have time for this nonsense. But I wanted the tomatoes. I felt my anger and frustration, got it out with a few choice words and complaining. And then I told myself, "OK, let it go, Sonia. In a month, it won't matter. In fact, in a week, it won't matter." And as my sister asks when she wants to gain perspective: "Do you have cancer? No. Well, then, it's not so serious."
We need to be attentive to our emotions and feelings. Acknowledge them. Get them out of our bodies. Then let them go. And taking a longer view helps us gain perspective. My life wasn't going to change drastically if I didn't have those tomatoes. I wanted them that day—not the next. But that extra trip, irritating as it was to me at the time, wasn't going to be life-changing either. I needed a change in view. When to-do lists get too long, it's easy to lose perspective, isn't it?
What do you do to keep perspective and take a longer view?
Friday, July 18, 2014
Children teach us
I've just spent nearly two weeks visiting my youngest son and his family. He and my daughter-in-law are the parents of my two youngest grandchildren, ages 7 and 2. I'm home again, exhausted but filled up. Filled up with hugs and laughter, filled up with stories and songs, filled up with snuggles and fun and so many good things.
Whenever I'm with my grandchildren, particularly the youngest ones, I'm reminded again of the importance of things such as wonder, spontaneity, living in the moment, openness, creativity and sharing feelings. Children are so open and, unless they've been taught otherwise at an early age, so free to express their love and their joy.
Sadly, many of those things get lost along the way as we age, don't they? We forget to stop and watch bugs or pick flowers just for the simple joy of it. We are far too busy to watch cloud formations in the sky and imagine dragons and elephants. We become more cautious about saying how much we really love someone (what if they don't reciprocate, after all?!). We spend more time regretting yesterday or fearing the future than enjoying today.
I think it's worth trying to recapture some of those elements of our youth. I enjoy the age I am now and wouldn't go back in time for anything. But I want to learn from my grandchildren how better to savor the moment and experience real joy! What about you? Ready for some fun and giggles?
Whenever I'm with my grandchildren, particularly the youngest ones, I'm reminded again of the importance of things such as wonder, spontaneity, living in the moment, openness, creativity and sharing feelings. Children are so open and, unless they've been taught otherwise at an early age, so free to express their love and their joy.
Sadly, many of those things get lost along the way as we age, don't they? We forget to stop and watch bugs or pick flowers just for the simple joy of it. We are far too busy to watch cloud formations in the sky and imagine dragons and elephants. We become more cautious about saying how much we really love someone (what if they don't reciprocate, after all?!). We spend more time regretting yesterday or fearing the future than enjoying today.
I think it's worth trying to recapture some of those elements of our youth. I enjoy the age I am now and wouldn't go back in time for anything. But I want to learn from my grandchildren how better to savor the moment and experience real joy! What about you? Ready for some fun and giggles?
Monday, June 23, 2014
Can you forgive yourself?
We hear a lot about the importance of forgiveness. Much of it is focused on the resentments and anger we carry about what others have done to us. And that is extremely important. We do need to forgive others for things they've said or done to us, whether unintentional or intentional. It's important for our own mental health—and, yes, our physical health, too—that we forgive and let go of all the baggage surrounding whatever happened.
Every bit as important, however, is something not discussed as often: forgiving ourselves. Are you still carrying around guilt or shame about something you did or said in the past? Isn't it time to forgive yourself and let it all go? For most of us, that's the toughest of all.
I don't know how that works for you. Sometimes it helps me to write down what I'm feeling around that past event—the guilt, shame, anger, resentment, whatever emotions have built up around it. Get it down on paper and out of your body. That helps me let go and forgive myself (and others, too). Some people say, "Let go and let God." That works, too. Let God take away the old resentments and baggage. God has already forgiven us, long before we ever reach the point of forgiveness.
Is anything weighing you down today? Try forgiving and letting go. You'll feel so much lighter. In fact, I've heard it said that doing so can actually help with our weight issues as well since we often eat our emotions. As I learned in Weight Watchers, "Feel the feelings, don't feed the feelings."
Every bit as important, however, is something not discussed as often: forgiving ourselves. Are you still carrying around guilt or shame about something you did or said in the past? Isn't it time to forgive yourself and let it all go? For most of us, that's the toughest of all.
I don't know how that works for you. Sometimes it helps me to write down what I'm feeling around that past event—the guilt, shame, anger, resentment, whatever emotions have built up around it. Get it down on paper and out of your body. That helps me let go and forgive myself (and others, too). Some people say, "Let go and let God." That works, too. Let God take away the old resentments and baggage. God has already forgiven us, long before we ever reach the point of forgiveness.
Is anything weighing you down today? Try forgiving and letting go. You'll feel so much lighter. In fact, I've heard it said that doing so can actually help with our weight issues as well since we often eat our emotions. As I learned in Weight Watchers, "Feel the feelings, don't feed the feelings."
Friday, June 6, 2014
What others remember
I just can't resist one more quote from Maya Angelou, who died last week. She was such a prolific poet and writer—and left us with so many inspiring thoughts.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel," Angelou said.
Most of us think long and hard about what we say and what we write. Will my words make me look intelligent? Will they inspire and impress others?
We also spend a good deal of time thinking about what we do. Will this career choice bring me more money? Power? Will I get praise if I volunteer with this organization? What if I bake the best desserts for the family reunion or block party? Will joining this group look good on my resume?
So isn't it humbling to think that those things aren't what will be remembered? I do believe Angelou is right: How we make others feel is what will be remembered. I am more impressed by the leader who treats everyone the same—from the maintenance person to the administrative assistant to the CEO—than I am by the leader who appears erudite, well-spoken and in control. I am far more impressed by those who are gracious and take time to listen than I am by those who are on every committee and whose to-do lists are several pages long. It's really about the love in their heart.
I will never forget my first day on a new job while I was in the midst of my divorce. A colleague sat down in front of my desk, pointed to a photo of my three sons and said, "Tell me about this picture." I felt so welcomed and cared for by that simple move. I still remember that woman for how good she made me feel that day. She helped me forget my fears about the new job. In that moment she helped me forget the trauma of my life. She reminded me of the three precious guys in my life, and she helped me feel accepted.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel," Angelou said.
Most of us think long and hard about what we say and what we write. Will my words make me look intelligent? Will they inspire and impress others?
We also spend a good deal of time thinking about what we do. Will this career choice bring me more money? Power? Will I get praise if I volunteer with this organization? What if I bake the best desserts for the family reunion or block party? Will joining this group look good on my resume?
So isn't it humbling to think that those things aren't what will be remembered? I do believe Angelou is right: How we make others feel is what will be remembered. I am more impressed by the leader who treats everyone the same—from the maintenance person to the administrative assistant to the CEO—than I am by the leader who appears erudite, well-spoken and in control. I am far more impressed by those who are gracious and take time to listen than I am by those who are on every committee and whose to-do lists are several pages long. It's really about the love in their heart.
I will never forget my first day on a new job while I was in the midst of my divorce. A colleague sat down in front of my desk, pointed to a photo of my three sons and said, "Tell me about this picture." I felt so welcomed and cared for by that simple move. I still remember that woman for how good she made me feel that day. She helped me forget my fears about the new job. In that moment she helped me forget the trauma of my life. She reminded me of the three precious guys in my life, and she helped me feel accepted.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Care & feeding for mind & spirit
You can hardly pick up a magazine these days without seeing at least one article on the importance of healthy eating. Perhaps it's a response to the increase in obesity that we're told plagues our country.
I don't dispute the importance of watching what we put into our bodies. I have dramatically changed how and what I eat over the years, and I feel better as a result. It is important for our health and well-being.
What I also think needs some attention these days is what we feed our minds and spirits. Many of my clients want to know what they can do to stay positive amid all the negativity that surrounds them, from workplaces, the media and also from friends and acquaintances. It's not easy to stay positive and grateful in the face of all the bad news, bad attitudes and fear, is it?
We aren't helpless in the face of it all, however. We can make choices about what things we let inside our minds. What TV shows are you watching? What books are you reading? Magazines and newspapers? What's the focus? Are these things uplifting, or do they drag you down even further than any life experiences you might face?
What people are you hanging out with? Are they negative all the time? Or are they a healthy balance of positive and negative? We do have to be real about what's happening in our lives and can't possibly be upbeat and happy every minute of every day. Pollyanna isn't exactly the model. But we can choose gratitude and positive living more often than not. We can choose what messages we listen to and what voices we hear.
Check it out today—and make choices that are good for you. Remember, self-care when it comes to your feelings and your thoughts is as important as caring for your body.
I don't dispute the importance of watching what we put into our bodies. I have dramatically changed how and what I eat over the years, and I feel better as a result. It is important for our health and well-being.
What I also think needs some attention these days is what we feed our minds and spirits. Many of my clients want to know what they can do to stay positive amid all the negativity that surrounds them, from workplaces, the media and also from friends and acquaintances. It's not easy to stay positive and grateful in the face of all the bad news, bad attitudes and fear, is it?
We aren't helpless in the face of it all, however. We can make choices about what things we let inside our minds. What TV shows are you watching? What books are you reading? Magazines and newspapers? What's the focus? Are these things uplifting, or do they drag you down even further than any life experiences you might face?
What people are you hanging out with? Are they negative all the time? Or are they a healthy balance of positive and negative? We do have to be real about what's happening in our lives and can't possibly be upbeat and happy every minute of every day. Pollyanna isn't exactly the model. But we can choose gratitude and positive living more often than not. We can choose what messages we listen to and what voices we hear.
Check it out today—and make choices that are good for you. Remember, self-care when it comes to your feelings and your thoughts is as important as caring for your body.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Numbing our feelings
Most of us have times that we numb our feelings. Often, we aren't even aware that what we're doing is numbing. Some people use alcohol or drugs. Some use TV. Others go shopping. For still others, spending time on the internet can provide that numbing effect.
Years ago when I attended Weight Watchers for the first time (this may be my third and, I hope, final time because I want to stick with it this time!), I recall a slogan our leader used often: "Feel your feelings; don't feed your feelings." That one hit me right where I live because food is my numbing device of choice. Not that I like having chosen it, mind you. But it appears that it's what I grew up doing—turning to food for comfort whenever I felt down. Now that I think about it, I turned to it when I celebrated, too!
Now I realize: When I numb and block my bad feelings, I'm also numbing my good ones. I would much rather stay awake and aware. I'd rather be conscious of what's going on in and around me. Yes, it can be painful at times to be conscious, to really feel what's happening. But at this stage of life, I know I can handle it ... with the help of family and friends, with strength from God and with the use of all the resources I've learned through the years. And when I allow myself to feel the hurt and pain, I'm also so much more open to all the good things. I can feel the joy and notice the gifts and blessings. I can savor the beautiful, warm sunshine streaming in my windows—even with the sub-zero temps outside. I can share the exuberance of my young grandchildren as they learn new skills. I'm present to it all—when I can be aware of it and not succumb to my numbing tactics.
Years ago when I attended Weight Watchers for the first time (this may be my third and, I hope, final time because I want to stick with it this time!), I recall a slogan our leader used often: "Feel your feelings; don't feed your feelings." That one hit me right where I live because food is my numbing device of choice. Not that I like having chosen it, mind you. But it appears that it's what I grew up doing—turning to food for comfort whenever I felt down. Now that I think about it, I turned to it when I celebrated, too!
Now I realize: When I numb and block my bad feelings, I'm also numbing my good ones. I would much rather stay awake and aware. I'd rather be conscious of what's going on in and around me. Yes, it can be painful at times to be conscious, to really feel what's happening. But at this stage of life, I know I can handle it ... with the help of family and friends, with strength from God and with the use of all the resources I've learned through the years. And when I allow myself to feel the hurt and pain, I'm also so much more open to all the good things. I can feel the joy and notice the gifts and blessings. I can savor the beautiful, warm sunshine streaming in my windows—even with the sub-zero temps outside. I can share the exuberance of my young grandchildren as they learn new skills. I'm present to it all—when I can be aware of it and not succumb to my numbing tactics.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Welcome your tears
Tears. Are you afraid of them? Do you cry easily? Or not so often anymore? Are you embarrassed by your tears? Or do you wish you could cry more often?
I often hear it said that tears soften our hearts—our griefs soften us and make us more flexible. Or as poet Mark Nepo says, "The live bough bends. The dead twig snaps."
Tears are healing. Tears put us in touch with our humanity, vulnerability and compassion. That should be a good thing, right?
Although there are always exceptions to any rule, women tend to cry more easily and often than men. Perhaps it would be better for men if they could cry more easily. I've often thought it unfair that the "approved" emotion for men is anger and for women, sadness. It seems healthier that both genders are allowed the full range of emotions.
I used to cry quite easily; but it seems as I age, I cry less frequently. I don't know whether it's part of the aging process or simply a result of my having to be tough so I could survive divorce, work in a patriarchal and hierarchical workplace and ultimately, my job loss. However, I do believe that I am softened and more in touch with my vulnerable Sonia when I allow myself to feel my sadness and actually grieve even the small losses in my life. I see it as part of my journey to my true self—and as I've said here before, part of my attempt to access not just the strong Sonia but the vulnerable one as well.
I'm all for tears if they lead me to my compassion and vulnerability. What about you?
I often hear it said that tears soften our hearts—our griefs soften us and make us more flexible. Or as poet Mark Nepo says, "The live bough bends. The dead twig snaps."
Tears are healing. Tears put us in touch with our humanity, vulnerability and compassion. That should be a good thing, right?
Although there are always exceptions to any rule, women tend to cry more easily and often than men. Perhaps it would be better for men if they could cry more easily. I've often thought it unfair that the "approved" emotion for men is anger and for women, sadness. It seems healthier that both genders are allowed the full range of emotions.
I used to cry quite easily; but it seems as I age, I cry less frequently. I don't know whether it's part of the aging process or simply a result of my having to be tough so I could survive divorce, work in a patriarchal and hierarchical workplace and ultimately, my job loss. However, I do believe that I am softened and more in touch with my vulnerable Sonia when I allow myself to feel my sadness and actually grieve even the small losses in my life. I see it as part of my journey to my true self—and as I've said here before, part of my attempt to access not just the strong Sonia but the vulnerable one as well.
I'm all for tears if they lead me to my compassion and vulnerability. What about you?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Feel and release those emotions
Did you learn to stuff certain emotions when you grew up? Are you still pushing some emotions down? Perhaps you're no longer aware of doing so—it's so natural that you don't even think about it.
Most of us learn to stuff emotions. Sometimes it's the anger, sometimes the sadness. In some families, it's even the joy and happiness.
It doesn't take a knowledge of psychology to picture what can happen after years of stuffing. Simply picture a volcano building up over time and heading for an eruption. Something happens that triggers the release and whoosh, it all comes out. Even when there is no huge eruption, there can be smaller amounts that seep out.
I've seen that in my own life. If I don't feel my emotions as they occur—and then release them—they can come out sideways and do significant harm to me and to people around me. For example, if I sit on my anger rather than choosing to acknowledge it and select a way of expressing it that does no harm, it will come out in some way or another, usually not a good outcome! Perhaps it will show up as irritation toward a loved one that's completely out of proportion to what they have just said or done. Or perhaps it gets stored up until something triggers it and kaboom! Some poor soul gets the whole load.
I'm human and don't always get it right. But I try more often than not to feel the emotion—and then release it. I feel better when I can do that. And I'm much more loving and open to those around me, too. Feel and release.
Most of us learn to stuff emotions. Sometimes it's the anger, sometimes the sadness. In some families, it's even the joy and happiness.
It doesn't take a knowledge of psychology to picture what can happen after years of stuffing. Simply picture a volcano building up over time and heading for an eruption. Something happens that triggers the release and whoosh, it all comes out. Even when there is no huge eruption, there can be smaller amounts that seep out.
I've seen that in my own life. If I don't feel my emotions as they occur—and then release them—they can come out sideways and do significant harm to me and to people around me. For example, if I sit on my anger rather than choosing to acknowledge it and select a way of expressing it that does no harm, it will come out in some way or another, usually not a good outcome! Perhaps it will show up as irritation toward a loved one that's completely out of proportion to what they have just said or done. Or perhaps it gets stored up until something triggers it and kaboom! Some poor soul gets the whole load.
I'm human and don't always get it right. But I try more often than not to feel the emotion—and then release it. I feel better when I can do that. And I'm much more loving and open to those around me, too. Feel and release.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Sit with discomfort
Six weeks without chocolate? I didn't think I could do it. But one year I decided to try going without something I really liked during Lent. Since I'm a dedicated chocoholic, that was my (tough!) choice.
I did it. That was several years ago, so I don't recall now just how painful it was. I don't think it was awful, however. But then I knew that there was an end to my deprivation in sight: I could do it for six weeks.
Last month I read a blog by someone who is giving up something different each month for a year. In a recent blog, he spoke of his month without coffee and what he learned. One thing really struck me: He talked about sitting through the strong urge to grab a cup of coffee—of feeling it and, as he said, "sitting in discomfort." He said, "Sitting in discomfort, allowing yourself to feel it, is a great learning experience."
Indeed, I'm sure it is. I'm really thinking about what that would be like, whether it relates to something I want to eat or drink—or to some habit I'm trying to change or behavior I'm wanting to transform. I want to learn to be with the discomfort, to feel it, to see what I can learn from the experience of discomfort.
I did it. That was several years ago, so I don't recall now just how painful it was. I don't think it was awful, however. But then I knew that there was an end to my deprivation in sight: I could do it for six weeks.
Last month I read a blog by someone who is giving up something different each month for a year. In a recent blog, he spoke of his month without coffee and what he learned. One thing really struck me: He talked about sitting through the strong urge to grab a cup of coffee—of feeling it and, as he said, "sitting in discomfort." He said, "Sitting in discomfort, allowing yourself to feel it, is a great learning experience."
Indeed, I'm sure it is. I'm really thinking about what that would be like, whether it relates to something I want to eat or drink—or to some habit I'm trying to change or behavior I'm wanting to transform. I want to learn to be with the discomfort, to feel it, to see what I can learn from the experience of discomfort.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
How you make others feel does matter
Yesterday I wrote about Oprah Winfrey interviewing poet and author Maya Angelou on her 70th birthday and the wisdom Angelou offered on things she's learned in the aging process.
One pearl of wisdom Angelou offered is: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Many experiences come to mind for me. One that stands out, however, occurred when my husband, our four-month-old son and I landed in Papua New Guinea. My husband and I were only in our mid-twenties, were first-time parents and faced five years of life in this amazing, remote and, to us, strange new place. It was pretty daunting. I was more than a bit afraid, unsure of what life there would hold; and I was homesick as well.
I will never forget how a couple who later became dear friends welcomed us and calmed our fears. I don't remember what they said. I don't remember much of what they did—with one notable exception: They loaned us a rocking chair because they said we couldn't possibly raise a baby without one! They were right.
What I really remember, however, is the way they made us feel at home in our new surroundings. They had already lived there a few years but apparently hadn't forgotten what it was like to make that cultural adjustment from the U.S. to this developing country. They cushioned our adjustment and helped us make our way more openly and with fewer fears. What a gift Jim and Carol gave us! They made us feel that we, too, could make that adjustment—that we, too, could come to appreciate the gifts of life in that beautiful place. And they were right.
I invite you to really pay attention to how you make others feel. I know Angelou's words are a good reminder to me.
One pearl of wisdom Angelou offered is: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Many experiences come to mind for me. One that stands out, however, occurred when my husband, our four-month-old son and I landed in Papua New Guinea. My husband and I were only in our mid-twenties, were first-time parents and faced five years of life in this amazing, remote and, to us, strange new place. It was pretty daunting. I was more than a bit afraid, unsure of what life there would hold; and I was homesick as well.
I will never forget how a couple who later became dear friends welcomed us and calmed our fears. I don't remember what they said. I don't remember much of what they did—with one notable exception: They loaned us a rocking chair because they said we couldn't possibly raise a baby without one! They were right.
What I really remember, however, is the way they made us feel at home in our new surroundings. They had already lived there a few years but apparently hadn't forgotten what it was like to make that cultural adjustment from the U.S. to this developing country. They cushioned our adjustment and helped us make our way more openly and with fewer fears. What a gift Jim and Carol gave us! They made us feel that we, too, could make that adjustment—that we, too, could come to appreciate the gifts of life in that beautiful place. And they were right.
I invite you to really pay attention to how you make others feel. I know Angelou's words are a good reminder to me.
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