Say 'yes' to authenticity

I cannot say enough in praise of authenticity. It is so important to be who we were created to be, to be truly ourselves. It's important to not sell out just because we want to be accepted or loved. We want to find our own voice, speak our own truth and act in ways that reflect the values we hold dear. To do any less chips away at our core. If caving to the pressure of selling out is how we have gained the friends we have, eventually it will catch up with us and we'll feel that loss of integrity. Once lost, how will it be reclaimed?

And as poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo says in The Endless Practice: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be, "...anyone, no matter how dear, that wants us to be other than who we are does not truly love us or doesn't know how to love."

Strong words. But so true. If your loved ones and friends encourage and support you in being who you truly are, be grateful. Very grateful. If not, perhaps it's time to begin saying "No" to anyone who asks you to be other than who you are. Perhaps it's time to say "Yes" to yourself—and to who you were designed to be.

Speaking up feels authentic

I believe in authenticity. The older I become, the more important it is to me to be authentic and true to who I am and what I value. Sometimes that deep calling comes into conflict with my desire to maintain serenity and equanimity. That's been happening for me this week.

Ever since a woman came forward with accusations against the current Supreme Court nominee, her life has been scrutinized. She's been ridiculed and accused of vengeful behavior and worse; several lies have been circulated about her. She has even received death threats! She's being what we now call slut-shamed because she dared come forward and accuse a man who has risen to a high level.

I remember vividly in 1991 when Anita Hill went through this same thing, and I wonder why women are still being re-victimized simply for coming forward with their stories of abuse or rape. As a woman, I have strong feelings about this; and I have been so pleased to see the "Me, Too" movement take hold. It's been long overdue. But the behavior persists.

Here's the thing. I don't want to be upset about everything that I hear on the news (although there's plenty about which to be upset these days). I don't want to always see the glass half empty. I want to live in hope. I want to remain positive. However, I also want to be true to my beliefs and my values. And to tell the truth, I am way beyond sick and tired of the way women have been treated for centuries—the way we're devalued even yet in this country. So I simply have to speak out about it. I cannot sit by and watch the slut-shaming circus without saying something. That may make me a trouble-maker. But history shows that much change has come because of "trouble-makers."

So I'm going on record here (and on social media and my friendship circles) to call people out when they do this to women. Enough already. This needs to stop! Women are human and deserve respect just as do men. Let's not keep silent when our sisters name abuse.

The real you

Who is the real you? We all wear masks. It's something we learned to do when we were quite young. We develop masks to protect ourselves. We fear that if people saw who we really were, we wouldn't be loved. Or perhaps we would be harmed if someone saw how weak or afraid we were—in which case, we may develop a stance of toughness that tells the world, "I dare you." So many reasons, so many masks.

By the time we reach middle age and beyond, we may have several masks, depending on whom we are around at any given time and what the situation is in which we find ourselves. Typically, however, by that stage of life, we're also beginning to realize that the masks meant to protect us are suffocating us, too. They are keeping us from being who we truly are. They keep us from being authentic. And authenticity becomes more important to us as we age.

What Muhammad Ali once said is true: "If you're the same person at fifty that you were at twenty, you've wasted thirty years."

Yes! The idea is to grow, to evolve, to let ourselves be transformed by life and its experiences. When we reach a more mature stage of life, we want to be as true to ourselves as we can be. Having said that, we will always hide behind some masks for safety. The hope is that those become fewer and lighter as we become stronger and more sure of ourselves.

What masks are you still wearing? Do you need them? Have you shed some of your masks? Do you feel that you're as authentic as you can be?

Authenticity & happiness

As we age, it seems that authenticity becomes more important than ever. We want to shed masks, roles, ideas and beliefs that no longer fit for us. We don't care as much about what other people think. We simply want to enjoy life and be who we really were meant to be. ...and perhaps not conform quite so much!

This can mean doing things we were too reserved to do before. Perhaps we felt restricted by needing to provide guidelines for our children. Or it may have been because of a job or our position in the community. It's not that we completely throw caution to the wind—but it simply isn't quite so important anymore if our neighbors (or even complete strangers) think we're odd for doing what we do!

Because of this, I really loved what I read about comedian, actress, writer, producer and fashion designer Melissa McCarthy (remember her from "Saturday Night Live" and her Sean Spicer parodies?) in a spring issue of AARP The Magazine.

In the article, McCarthy is quoted as saying, "I've never minded getting older. ... The older you are, the more interesting you are as a character. ... You become more you." She goes on to answer the question of what kind of woman she'd like to be when she's her mom's age: "I hope a crazy one. I always say, 'Once I hit 70, it's going to be all caftans and turbans and big wacky glasses.' I'm more than halfway there. I see these years ahead as a time to say, 'What does it matter? You want to wear daisy prints? Who cares!' Getting older means knowing yourself, and if you know yourself, express it. That ripples out. It makes the world a happier place. When you're in line for coffee and the older lady in front of you has a daisy-print blouse and a smile on her face and something to say about the world, you feel the magic of it."

Yes! I love it. You don't have to wear a daisy print, a caftan or a turban. Just be yourself—and don't be afraid to be different from the crowd. Be happy. It'll be catchy ... and make the world a happier place. At the least, you'll be happy!

Messy community means staying!

I am part of a group of women who just read and discussed the book A Bigger Table: Building Messy, Authentic, and Hopeful Spiritual Community by John Pavlovitz. We had deep and interesting discussions on the topic, sharing experiences from our lives and thinking about a different way of being in the world.

Being open to engage people who may look different from us or who may see the world from a different viewpoint than we do takes courage. Pavlovitz gave examples from his own life of situations where people discussed, debated and, yes, argued as they tried to make the table larger. He talked about the messiness of such a venture.

Here's what he said about that, "The bigger table isn't one you run from at the first sign of discord. It is based on the lost sacred art of staying." And further, he added, "Expanding the table isn't for the faint of heart or the impatient, which is why so few people actually attempt it, but there is something transformative on the other side of it. ... We need to stop talking and we need to walk shoulder to shoulder with people in real, messy, authentic community—until we all can see it for ourselves."

Yes! I believe he's right about the art of staying—staying in the relationship that would be easier to drop because you see the world so differently, talking about why you see it the way you do and listening to why the other person sees it the way they do, perhaps even learning a lot in the process! And we do need to stop talking and actually practice "real, messy, authentic community."

What might it take for you to do that? I'm pondering that myself these days—since I see the divide becoming greater and greater in our society. One thing is will take is courage, I'm certain of that.

Keep it simple

A book that I regularly return to for its wisdom and inspiration is Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea. My sister gave me this book in 1995 when I first became a grandmother, and I still pick it up often to see what I highlighted and wrote in the page margins.

Just last week I reread what Lindbergh wrote about shedding hypocrisy and living in authenticity: "The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask. I have shed my mask."

Further, she speaks of simplifying our lives, noting "what extraordinary spiritual freedom and peace such simplification can bring."

As we near the end of this extraordinarily busy time of year—and think about how we want to enter a brand new year—it's a good time to reflect on letting go of masks, living in authenticity and simplifying our lives.

Loving & accepting yourself

As you age, are you becoming more comfortable in your own skin? So many of us as women lack confidence when we're young. We try so hard to fit in, to conform to society's standards for women or to what others in our life say we should be. Many of us learn later in life how to love and accept ourselves.

Finally, finally, we learn that it's far better to be authentic! To just be ourselves and feel great about it.

I've long liked what author and psychiatrist Jean Shinoda Bolen says about that in her book Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women. Bolen is trying to resurrect the original meaning of the word "crone," which is a wise woman or an elder.

Here's what she says: "To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows."

Yes, oh yes. I love this stage of life with its increasing comfort of knowing and accepting who I am, flaws and all. Doing so also leads us to be more gentle with others and to feel compassion. What about you? Are you feeling it?

Who are you really?

Authenticity. It's an extremely important part of the aging process, in my humble opinion. At long last, we become more comfortable in our own bodies. We become more confident. We know what we know, and we're okay with that. We know our gifts, and we also know our shortcomings. We're human. And we're fine with it all.

I read this in a magazine recently, "Being yourself is the prettiest thing you can be." I like that. Yes, it really is. Just be yourself. Be the best you that you can be. Be all you were created to be.

When we're young, we try on different personas, not yet knowing who we really are and wanting to receive approval from some of the adults in our lives. Soon enough, we live a life that takes into account what others think we should be and do—and we don't realize that it could take us far from who we really were meant to be. We may never think about what we want to do.

It's not too late. Think about what you most long for at your very deepest levels. Think about those times when you feel most you. And think about your passions, your gifts. Keep moving in the direction of those things—in the direction that feels most life-giving to you. Go for authenticity.

If you'd like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary strategy session.

Hiding your true identity

I'm really saddened these days by all the news stories of damage done to Jewish cemeteries and of threats for more. When I hear this, I think of Anne Frank and Corrie ten Boom and so many more stories of the Holocaust—of Jews hiding their identity and of non-Jews with good hearts hiding Jews even at risk of their own lives.

These stories could lead us in several directions because there are so many levels to such hate crimes. One could discuss good and evil existing side by side. One could discuss the fears that lead to such crimes. We could even talk about what to do in the face of such hatred and fear.

Today, however, I simply want to ask you whether you've ever had to hide your identity. Perhaps you've never had to do so because you feared for your life as happened during World War II. But perhaps you had to hide who you really were—in a workplace, in a marriage, in a friendship—because you felt it really would not have been OK to be who you really were.

We all wear masks to present a face to the world that we think is more acceptable than who we think we are inside. That can be slightly different from actually hiding who we are because we fear rejection or retribution of some type. Have you ever thought you might not move ahead in your career if your boss or coworkers knew the authentic you? Have you worried that your spouse or partner wouldn't really love you if you showed your true self? Have you worried that you can't say what you think in your place of worship because of what others might think?

What might it feel like to reveal who you really are? To risk living in a completely authentic way? Let yourself feel how that might be. What do you need to do to live authentically? Are you ready to risk it?

The many faces of you

Earlier this week I saw a question that I found intriguing. In fact, I journaled with it and gained some interesting insights into my behaviors.

The question is twofold: What face do you show to no one? And what face do you show to others? (Actually, a dialogue was encouraged between the two if you planned to journal with those questions, so I did that, too.)

It's no surprise to anyone that each of us wears masks. We can't go around letting it all hang out all the time. We learn at a very early age to hold back and to show only what feels safe and wise to show to the world. That's normal, and it can actually be a good thing.

As we age, however, many of us try to reduce the number of masks we wear—or perhaps more accurately, to reduce the size or weight of the mask we wear. We want to shed what holds us back, and we want to become more authentic as we age. We want to put our truth out there and be ourselves, no holds barred. As with so many things, you are the only one who can and should decide what of your mask you need to hold onto and what you want to shed or let go. That's why an exercise such as the one I discovered might be helpful to you.

Even if you've already shed some of your mask, you may wish to answer these questions and reflect or journal on them. Have fun with the process—and see what emerges!

Soar & sing your unique song

Do you feel stuck in a place in your life that doesn't feel authentically you? Are you still living your life to please others? Living according to old tapes and messages you heard either while growing up or even in early adulthood? Is it time to break free and discover who you were meant to be? To explore what you really want to do?

I remember in the final years of my marriage feeling like a bird in a cage, living in a way that was more about pleasing everyone else than about what felt right for me. I could see the door slowly closing on the cage. I couldn't sing my song if that happened! Somehow it felt I would be silenced forever if I didn't fly out before the door closed. This was a powerful image for me.

A few years later when I described it to a therapist, he said he had heard that very same image from any number of women. That's funny. I hadn't heard it or read about it anywhere, and I hadn't really shared the image with anyone else. Apparently, it's more universal than I knew.

If you resonate with any of this, let go of people-pleasing. Let go of old tapes. Find your unique song—and sing it! Let your beautiful self soar.

'Move into yourself'

The symbol for my Way2Grow Coaching practice is the butterfly. I chose that because I love the idea of the transformation that happens when a caterpillar weaves itself into a cocoon from which it later emerges as a beautiful butterfly. This creature goes from crawling on the ground to soaring above the flowers and trees. Imagine that! And everything it needed to become a butterfly was really there inside.

So does the caterpillar cause these changes? Or is it simply following its nature, its design? And what does that say for our own transformational experiences? Perhaps what we need is all there inside, too.

Yesterday I read in Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick's book, Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, this interesting thought: "Do not try to transform yourself. Move into yourself. Move into your human unsuccess. Perfection rapes the soul."

As always, it's about authenticity, isn't it? It's about just being who we are—not trying to be someone else or trying to be a perfect version of anyone (including ourselves). We just need to be ourselves, with all the good and the bad of that. Let go of perfectionism. Embrace authenticity. That journey alone will provide plenty of transformation!

Time to shed the masks

When we were young, we tried on several masks and suits of armor so we could protect ourselves from hurts and disappointments. We tried on those different masks or personas until we found some that worked to keep us from feeling too vulnerable. And after several years, those masks and suits of armor became so much a part of us that we scarcely knew who we were without them. Or we didn't know where a mask ended and we began.

One of my masks to avoid vulnerability is the one of extreme competence and toughness. Vulnerability to me is when I don't know what I'm doing—or when I feel weak and helpless. I project the image of strength and act as though I know what I'm doing even when I do not. That's what I learned to do when I was quite young. I'm trying to drop those now.

Here's the thing: As we age, we realize that our masks or suits of armor keep us from being completely authentic and real. We begin to realize the value of vulnerability. When I can show that I, too, am afraid and don't really know what to do in a given situation, others can admit to their fears as well. But when I act tough and strong all the time, others are afraid to speak about their fears and inadequate feelings.

So, though we added masks and armor when we were young, we do reach a certain age when we want to remove them. Having said that, I must clarify and say that we don't want to totally rid ourselves of them or pack them away in a closet forever. We can't "let it all hang out" with everyone in our lives. That simply isn't safe. There are times we need our armor of protection. There are some people in our lives with whom we definitely need masks. It's not safe to be unprotected.

You are the only one who knows just which masks to remove, when and with whom. It's your choice. You're the one who knows what authenticity looks like for you.

Stop wasting time—just be you!

No doubt we've all heard speeches from the time-management folks telling us how we can be more productive and how we can stop wasting time.

I'll bet this is a time-waster you never thought about! I just read that the average person wastes "a whopping 12 percent of their day—every day—comparing themselves to others." Whoa, really?

Now I don't know what kind of research they did to learn that information. But one thing I do know: We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others when it really isn't helpful to do so. It is detrimental to our relationships, to our sense of self and to our well-being and happiness.

If this is something with which you deal, make a focused effort first on awareness. Notice when you catch yourself comparing to someone else. Stop right there. If you need to ask some questions of yourself when you stop, do so—questions such as: Is it worthwhile to compare to that person? Not really, it won't get you anywhere. Are things as perfect for that person as they appear to be on the outside? Most likely, not. Knowing we're each the only one like us on the planet, why would I want to even try to be like that person? And here's the biggie: What would it look like to be the best me I can be? And what would it take to get there? Now that's more useful! Make the choice to be you—to be authentic.

Decision-making simplified

"I'm just not sure," my friend said. "What do you think I should do?" I asked her how she really felt about the entire situation. What would she do if this happened? Or that happened? We talked a while, and I could tell she was processing as we talked.

At the end of our conversation I said, "I think you know what you want." She agreed. "Then," I said, "I don't think you need my approval." She said it helped to have my validation and affirmation for what she wanted to do. I totally get that. I like to run things by close friends or loved ones sometimes, too.

Thankfully, we have reached a stage of life where our decisions aren't based on what everyone else will think—or based on what others do with their lives. We get to decide based on how it seems best to us to proceed. It is so freeing. That type of decision-making still comes with responsibility to do no harm to others or ourselves. But it's so freeing to no longer worry: "But what will others think?"

Being authentic and living with integrity—it's a wonderful way to live.

Follow your own beat

It's been said that we have a more difficult time of changing a behavior if it's something that's accepted socially. Stress is one example. Stress has become nearly a badge of honor. Think of all the conversations you've had lately. In several of them, were people simultaneously complaining and bragging about all the things on their to-do lists, all the things they'd done in a given day or week? Perhaps you do it yourself. I know I'm guilty of this at times, too.

As Cindy Jardine, professor of sociology at the University of Alberta, puts it, "It is seen as a socially desirable thing to be overworking. We don't seem to have the same respect for people who work a 40-hour week." Odd, isn't it?

Perhaps it's time to set our own standards of what's acceptable and not acceptable. Why not do all we can to reduce our stress, get sufficient sleep, find time for exercise, eat well and generally do what it takes to get healthy? Wouldn't life be better for us—even if being stressed out is not only socially acceptable but perhaps even admired? Even though it may prove more difficult, we can change behaviors that others may think acceptable. The choices are up to us.

It's time to follow our own beat, to be authentic and do what seems right to us.

Be everything you are!

Several of us, when we were younger, tried so hard to fit in. So we tried on different personas, said things and acted in ways that weren't really authentic to who we were. It's all part of the development process.

Isn't it wonderful to get to a stage of life where the important thing is to be who we really are? We don't have to be something or someone we're not. At last, we can be comfortable in our own skin. Somewhere I've heard the saying, "I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm trying to be everything I am." Yes!

That said, it doesn't mean we can be rude or offensive and simply say, "Well, sorry, this is who I am. You'll just have to get used to it." Trying to be everything we are means tilting more to our higher self. That self is there, inside.

These days, that can be more difficult than it should be—since it appears, right now at least, that many of the voices we hear appeal to our baser selves—our selfish, greedy, uncompassionate selves. It's really all about which part of our self we nurture and feed.

Be conscious of your choices today. Which self is getting fed?

'Be the role model you seek'

I so enjoy the writings and wisdom of Rachel Naomi Remen, a physician, visionary and warm human being. I was first exposed to her warmth and wisdom in her book My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge and Belonging. Now I am reading her Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. Both are equally rich with stories and wisdom.

In Kitchen Table Wisdom, Remen writes: "We usually look outside of ourselves for heroes and teachers. It has not occurred to most people that they may already be the role model they seek. ...we are all more than we know. ...Integrity rarely means that we need to add something to ourselves: it is more an undoing than a doing, a freeing ourselves from beliefs we have about who we are and ways we have been persuaded to 'fix' ourselves to know who we genuinely are."

Isn't that fascinating? Perhaps we do sell ourselves short. Perhaps we really are more than we imagined. And definitely I do believe that "it is more an undoing than a doing." We spent so many years adding things into our container of "This is who I am." And then in midlife and beyond, we realize that many of those things are not really who we are. They're not natural for us. Perhaps for someone else. But not for us. And so we begin to undo those things that aren't really "us."

That seems to be a central task of the last half of life, doesn't it? At that stage, we know who we really are. We become comfortable in our own skin. We can be the role model we seek!

Dark & light together

Yesterday we talked about letting go of the approval of others and moving toward authenticity. Doing so involves honesty about those hidden parts of ourselves that we don't like to expose, even to ourselves.

Yes, we all have a dark side—as well as our good side. The process of becoming more authentic and of reclaiming who we really are involves recognizing and accepting that we have both sides of everything inside us. Whenever I point my finger at someone else's bad behavior, I have to also acknowledge that I too am capable of that same behavior, given the right (or wrong) circumstances. That awareness can be humbling. However, it's part of the human journey to health and wholeness.

In Lutheran circles, this is called being both saint and sinner at the same time. It's not either/or. It's both/and. Our task is to be aware of this and then do those things that help us act most often out of our loving, caring, good side—in other words, bring more light into the world rather than take light out of it. To do so, we need to take a look at what we're reading, watching and taking into our minds and bodies. With what type of people are we surrounding ourselves? When we find ourselves angry and negative, it's time to stop and check out what's happening inside. It's not a time to beat ourselves up. It's time to get in touch with the anger and find ways to release it. Let it go. Make the necessary changes so it doesn't keep building up and turning you into someone you don't want to be.

We're human. We won't get it right all the time. We won't be positive and happy every minute. But we can be honest about our both/and nature and do the best we can! 

Approval and judgment

Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us like to have the approval of others. Some of us spend a good deal of time trying to gain it. A few nearly turn themselves into pretzels doing and saying things that they might not otherwise so that they'll be liked. It's not necessarily something we outgrow, so let's not just point fingers at teens and their desire to fit in.

Think about this, though: approval of someone is really about judgment. And the judgment of others or even our self-judgment can stifle who we really are.

So perhaps instead of spending so much energy editing who we are so we're liked, we might rather consider who we are when we're our most authentic selves—and spend our energy working toward that. Let's let go of all the words and behaviors that have shaped us in an inauthentic way—even if they're our own words.

If you're not sure who your authentic, true self is—and you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me. It can be an exciting journey to wholeness.