Love, not hate

On social media and in societal and social interactions, I see two competing forces at work. I see attempts and real efforts to access our better angels. For example, I heard about a girls' volleyball team from a fire-ravaged Paradise, California, school that decided to go ahead and play its game with a team in Auburn, California, despite not having its equipment and uniforms. When the girls arrived in Auburn, they were met with brand new uniforms, knee pads and socks for every player in addition to truckloads of donated clothes, a $300 gift card for each player and a dinner for the players and their families. What a beautiful story of support!

Then on the other hand, we see far too many news stories and social media posts displaying hate and anger. And as communications and public affairs strategist Steve Schmidt (who worked on Republican political campaigns such as for George W. Bush and Arizona Senator John McCain but who just this year renounced that party as "fully the party of Trump") said recently, "We have a billion-dollar anger industry in this country." He was speaking of the incitement to violence and "the assault on objective truth" that has been stoked lately.

All of this is a reminder to each of us to take a chill pill and not get hooked by all the hatred and anger we see all around us. Let's follow the example of the Auburn, California, girls' volleyball team and that community—and access our better angels! Let's be inspired by them and live in our integrity.

Kudos to the truth-tellers

Are you one of those women who has found her voice in the last half of life? It happens for so many women who, raised to be "nice" and to not "rock the boat," don't feel free to speak up until a certain age—say, perhaps 50 or older.

If you're one of those, don't worry about lost time. And don't worry about offending. Sometimes the emperor simply has to be told that he has no clothes!

Truth-telling is important work, and it can be done respectfully. "Speak the truth in love." We have heard those words many times. There is a way to do it—and still say the hard words that need to be spoken. Speak from your most authentic place.

We know truth-telling isn't easy, but it's crucial. It often comes with a price tag. When you engage in such work, it's really important to surround yourself with a strong support system. You'll likely face ridicule, criticism and worse when you tell the truth—particularly so if you speak to someone with more power than you have. And it's important to engage in good self-care.

If you have words that are important to speak out, go ahead. Find your voice. Use your voice. Do it with integrity. And take your place alongside huge numbers of women going all the way back in history.

'Be the role model you seek'

I so enjoy the writings and wisdom of Rachel Naomi Remen, a physician, visionary and warm human being. I was first exposed to her warmth and wisdom in her book My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge and Belonging. Now I am reading her Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. Both are equally rich with stories and wisdom.

In Kitchen Table Wisdom, Remen writes: "We usually look outside of ourselves for heroes and teachers. It has not occurred to most people that they may already be the role model they seek. ...we are all more than we know. ...Integrity rarely means that we need to add something to ourselves: it is more an undoing than a doing, a freeing ourselves from beliefs we have about who we are and ways we have been persuaded to 'fix' ourselves to know who we genuinely are."

Isn't that fascinating? Perhaps we do sell ourselves short. Perhaps we really are more than we imagined. And definitely I do believe that "it is more an undoing than a doing." We spent so many years adding things into our container of "This is who I am." And then in midlife and beyond, we realize that many of those things are not really who we are. They're not natural for us. Perhaps for someone else. But not for us. And so we begin to undo those things that aren't really "us."

That seems to be a central task of the last half of life, doesn't it? At that stage, we know who we really are. We become comfortable in our own skin. We can be the role model we seek!

How do you want to be seen?

Recently I saw this question asked, and I've been thinking a lot about it ever since: What three words would you like people to use to describe you when you're not in the room?

Hmmm. The field is wide open. And we can choose only three out of all the wonderful adjectives we could think of to describe ourselves!

What do you think? Which words would you choose?

And here's a larger question, I think: Are you living your life in such a way that those would be the words people would choose? If not, what changes do you wish (or need) to make? What has to change?

This also gets at the real question underlying those questions: Are you living in a way that is congruent with your inner values and who you feel yourself created to be? Can you look in the mirror and like what you see? Are you who you want to be? (And know that doesn't mean we're perfect every minute of every day. We are human, after all.)

Interesting questions, right? And they're worth our reflection, I think.