Going in circles

I like the idea of a circle. One of my early memories is going with Mom to her church women's circle. The ladies' group in our church was broken into several smaller groups called circles. Each took the name of a biblical woman. They did Bible studies, worked on service projects, made quilts for the needy and so much more. And now that I'm older and look back on those gatherings, I realize these women supported and cared for one another. Those circles were places where they could tell their stories, where they could feel safe and be with others whose lives were similar and who understood. They "got it." Surely these circles were a precursor to the various ways women still gather today to support each other.

Women meet for lunch. They gather after work for wine and a sharing of lives. They form book clubs that are part book discussion and part support group.  Women have dozens of ways to gather, share and support.

I've been part of women's spirituality groups and today am part of three different "circles" of women in addition to my weekly Bible study group. The women in these groups inspire me to be my best. They support me when I'm not. We hear each other's stories, learn, care, laugh, cry and support each other ... and more.

Circles speak of connection, wholeness, equality, infinity. Circles are so different from triangles, where someone is at the top as an expert. With circles, everyone is assumed to have a piece of the wisdom. And that is definitely true. No one has all the wisdom. When we put our pieces together, we have so much more than we would have alone.

How wonderful is this thing called aging!

Large numbers of women are trying to reclaim the word "crone," which in ancient times was a respected female elder in a community. Since then it has gathered up negative connotations and spurred images of a witch with warts stirring a pot and concocting some type of potion. In reality, it means a woman comfortable in her own skin who has found her voice and uses it. She's a wise, older woman.

Much is written about crones as a positive force today. So when I read in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick these words, I really resonated: "To the Crone, detachment is not indifference. It means she has lived and suffered, and, having suffered, can draw back and see with her heart."

After I read that for the first time, I added these additional words on the page: "...and seeing with her heart, she can speak her truth no matter who doesn't want to hear it."

Isn't it wonderful to reach the age and stage of life where you feel comfortable in your skin, where you like who you are, where you have found your voice and now dare to speak out and use it? We have suffered much and have many scars, inside and out, to prove it. But now we can see with our hearts. And we can detach and let go—something very different from being indifferent.

Childhood innocence & wisdom

I've just returned from more than a week with family—with my youngest grandchildren, aged 4 and 9. I am filled up again!

Is there anything like the innocence and the wisdom of little children? Is there anything like their hugs and unconditional love? And their enthusiasm and sense of wonder? Their questions that show a depth for which we don't always give them credit.

I find so much to learn from these younger ones. They help me open up to things I had long since stopped noticing. And I need that. It's all too easy to, figuratively at any rate, keep my head down and just keep going so I can get done everything I think is so important to get done! Children aren't like that. They notice things. The ladybug crawling along the window sill. The small stone with an interesting shape. They take delight in such things. I could use a good dose of wonder and delight from time to time!

So today I feel grounded again—and a renewed sense of wonder at all that's around me. And that fills my heart with gratitude.

'Be the role model you seek'

I so enjoy the writings and wisdom of Rachel Naomi Remen, a physician, visionary and warm human being. I was first exposed to her warmth and wisdom in her book My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge and Belonging. Now I am reading her Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. Both are equally rich with stories and wisdom.

In Kitchen Table Wisdom, Remen writes: "We usually look outside of ourselves for heroes and teachers. It has not occurred to most people that they may already be the role model they seek. ...we are all more than we know. ...Integrity rarely means that we need to add something to ourselves: it is more an undoing than a doing, a freeing ourselves from beliefs we have about who we are and ways we have been persuaded to 'fix' ourselves to know who we genuinely are."

Isn't that fascinating? Perhaps we do sell ourselves short. Perhaps we really are more than we imagined. And definitely I do believe that "it is more an undoing than a doing." We spent so many years adding things into our container of "This is who I am." And then in midlife and beyond, we realize that many of those things are not really who we are. They're not natural for us. Perhaps for someone else. But not for us. And so we begin to undo those things that aren't really "us."

That seems to be a central task of the last half of life, doesn't it? At that stage, we know who we really are. We become comfortable in our own skin. We can be the role model we seek!

Replacing wild oats

I often hear people over 50 say that they simply can't do the things they used to do. While that certainly can be true, it's also true that we know and do things we didn't when we were 20—and that's a good thing. It's part of the balance of life. We lose some abilities as we age, and we gain some  abilities. And surely, if we're awake and aware at all, we gain plenty of wisdom.

Yesterday I read in Sue Patton Thoele's The Woman's Book of Spirit: Meditations for the Thirsty Soul an idea that really resonated with me. She wrote, "...in keeping with the saying, 'Given enough time and nourishment, sage will replace wild oats in the garden of life,' midlife usually provides more opportunities for cultivating sage-filled wisdom than do the previous stages...."

Sage-filled wisdom replacing wild oats. Yes! Each stage has its necessary components for growth and for becoming who we were meant to be. What I really want to do is embrace each stage rather than looking back with regret and longing on what was. It doesn't mean my life is perfect now. But I am making choices based on life experience and gathered wisdom—mine and that I've gained from others.

What about you? Are you happy to be right where you are?

Attitude is everything

I read recently about a woman who had been blind since she was 3 years old due to some illness she developed at that age. Fortunately, her parents encouraged her to do all she could with her life. She did. She went on to become a concert pianist and was married with four children. When she was asked about being blind, she answered, "It is a major inconvenience."

Inconvenience! I guess so. But isn't that amazing? Attitude is everything. Her acceptance of what life had given her no doubt allowed her to take her talents and gifts as far as she could. One could easily imagine her spending her entire life dependent upon others, complaining that there was little she could do with her talents because of her blindness. That wasn't her choice, however.

What have you had to accept in your life that you would rather not have had? We all have limitations. Experiences we'd rather not have faced. Some have chronic pain and illness. Others have faced losses that nearly broke them. But attitudes can make such a difference. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I should post that on my bathroom mirror. It's such a good reminder. Acceptance. Courage. Wisdom. Attitudes. Ah, yes, those things matter.

Gathering wisdom

Sue Patton Thoele, an author whose meditation books for women I've read and loved for years, writes in The Woman's Book of Spirit about gathering wisdom at any age, not just when we're older. She urges us to imagine carrying a basket as we move through life's garden, filling it with blossoms of wisdom gained from each circumstance, experience and relationship. She says:

"Think about the wisdom that you have gathered thus far. Give yourself credit for the ways in which you have grown and blossomed and for the ways that you've helped others grow. Appreciating ourselves each day gives us the courage to gather the seeds and stomp through the fertilizer, both of which are necessary to keep our garden of wisdom growing."

That paragraph in her book is filled with so many threads we could follow—giving ourselves credit, gaining courage, gathering seeds, stomping through the "fertilizer" of our lives and so much more. I really don't need to elaborate; you can do that for yourself.

If you resonate with this as I do, spend some time with what Thoele says and see where it takes you. Then continue to fill your basket with blossoms of wisdom, stopping to give yourself credit and remembering to appreciate what you have in that basket!

The seasons of our lives

Where I live, it's that time of year when we're leaving summer behind (even though right now, it's still nearly 90 degrees) and moving toward autumn. Already I've seen some leaves that are changing color. I love the fall season, the somewhat cooler air, the disappearance of mosquitoes (!), and the beautiful color of leaves and other foliage. So I'm not complaining.

As the seasons change, though, it's always a reminder to me of the seasons of my life, too. Perhaps I think about it more these days because I've entered that autumn season and know that winter is ahead. I've already enjoyed my spring and summer seasons—and am left with many wonderful memories of those.

For so long I've loved the beauty of spring (everything coming alive), summer (flowers blooming) and autumn (the brilliant yellows, oranges and reds of trees and bushes)—but haven't been particularly fond of winter's beauty. My attitude is different now, however, and I see winter has its own particular beauty—not just when the landscape is covered in sparkling white snow but also when the trees have dropped their flaming leaves and are left with muted shades of rust.

I suspect my change in attitude has to do with where I am in life. I now appreciate the muted shades, the subdued colors of trees and bushes in winter. This is because, when I look at women older than I am, I see such beauty. I see grace and wisdom and composure. I see serenity, and I see women comfortable in their own skin. I see authenticity and openness. And this is an invitation to me to embrace all those qualities myself—and when the time comes, to move into that final season with joy and gratitude.

No matter which season you're in, think about what it means to you—and what's needed as you look ahead to the next one. It's time well spent.

Life lessons from the dying

People who are staring death right in the eye often have great insights to share. American journalist and National Public Radio host Scott Simon shares some of his mother's wisdom from her dying words in his new book Unforgettable: A Son, a Mother, and the Lessons of a Lifetime.

One of the things he said especially struck me: "She said I should spend more time talking to people in their 80s because, I will never forget this phrase, 'They have looked across the street at death for a decade. They know what's really important in life.' She would have wanted me to share that."

"They have looked across the street at death for a decade." That is powerful. You just know that viewing death from that proximity and for that length of time would boil down so much of life to its true essence—to the bare essentials. At least for those willing to learn the lessons, the extraneous would have been let go. The truly important would be treasured and savored. Perhaps amends would have been made and forgiveness occurred. Words of love would have been spoken. And more.

Simon summed up his mother's wisdom at the end of his book: "Write thank you notes. Tip well. Sing. Drink responsibly. Remember that good manners cost nothing, and open doors. Reach out to someone who is lonely. Make them laugh. Help people smile."

Indeed. We can each learn from that.

Claim the role of wisdom-bearer

I've heard and read a lot about the place of elders or older adults in community life. More and more people seem to be aware of the importance of the role of an elder, a matriarch or patriarch with accumulated life experience and wisdom. It's good to reclaim that place of respect that used to be reserved in traditional societies for those who had achieved great age.

While you might be acknowledged by others for your years of wisdom, it's also necessary and important that you claim yourself as a vital resource to those around you, whether in your family, your congregation, your community or the wider world. This is more about being a presence in those arenas than it is about power.

This isn't about an either/or situation where you claim a seat of wisdom over against more youthful members of your family, group or community. It's both/and. The most healthy, thriving institutions and communities value both youthful energy, ideas and creativity and the wisdom that accrues after one has experienced the best and the worst life has to offer. We can learn from each other. Older adults can be energized and revitalized when they work with younger folks. And the youthful ones among us can become more grounded and purposeful as they interact with older adults, perhaps even allowing themselves to be placed in a mentoring relationship with them. There is so much to be gained that way.

Wherever you are in life, look for ways to tap into the energies both of those younger and those older than you. And claim your own place and role, whatever that might be.

You decide

Are you often tempted to give advice to others or to persuade them to make choices that you think are good for them? It's just way too easy, and tempting, to tell others what they should do, isn't it? It's often far more clear to us what others should do than what path we should take!

But it's a shaky business, sometimes even dangerous—to mess in the lives of others, even those you love dearly. Mind you, that's different if we're talking about your children.

The other day someone quoted writer Marilyn Ferguson in words that really resonated with me and stood as a warning to me, too, to let others follow their own paths. Here's her quote: "Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be unlocked from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal." Definitely.

Even in my coaching, I'm more likely to help you discover your own wisdom and come to your own conclusions. I try to ask questions that will help you get beneath the issue and perhaps see things in a new way. Sometimes I turn your ideas upside down just so you can try on new views and new ideas and find more clarity within yourself. It helps to think of the problem in a new way sometimes. You are the one who can open your own gate, who must live with the consequences of whatever decision you make.

I've heard this sentiment put in other words, too. For example, one woman told a group I was in, "We do best to keep our dipper out of the buckets of others." Of course, this doesn't mean we don't listen when loved ones need to discuss a decision. It doesn't mean we don't share what worked for us—though what works for me doesn't necessarily work for you. If asked by a friend, "What would you do if this were your decision?" we surely can respond. But we do well to always make clear that this is simply our opinion. We help best when we listen and encourage—encourage others to dig deeply inside and seek their own best wisdom.

Share the 'good stuff'

"Don't give life to the negative emotions you feel around this," I invited my client to consider. She immediately resonated with that idea and caught on. "Yes, I can't be creative about solutions as long as I keep fanning the flames with 'ain't it awful' thinking," she said. Ah, yes, so true.

I had only just heard this thought from a friend of mine a few days earlier. And she had heard it from another friend of hers. When my friend told me about not giving life to negative emotions or situations, I liked the thought immediately. And I recognized that there are times when I repeat an "Ain't it awful" story about something that's happened. It doesn't give me energy. It doesn't move me to solutions. It keeps me stuck.

I like the thought behind this saying. But what I want to highlight today is that when you hear a wonderful word of wisdom such as that, pass it on. Share it with friends. Share it with anyone you think will like it. Or anyone who might need it. That's how we help each other through this journey we call life. Some days we need all the help we can get.

You have a lot of wisdom inside you. What "good stuff" might you share with someone today? It might be something you heard elsewhere. It might be an awareness you had. Share it. You never know. It might be just what that person needs to hear.

What have you learned?

Yesterday we took a look back at our younger self to see who we were then and what we desired. We asked what the younger you would tell you at the age you are now. Today let's think about all the wisdom we've gained in the years since we were that younger self. What would you say to your younger self from your current vantage point?

If you met yourself as you were 20, 30 or 40 years ago, what advice would you offer? What have you learned in the intervening years that you wish someone could have told you back then? Would you advise your younger self to be authentic? Would you encourage curiosity, openness and taking risks?

Or would you tell her to err on the side of caution? Or tell him that he shouldn't be so trusting and naive?

Would you advise more play, more time for friends and other loved ones? Or more focus on career?

Both these exercises are fascinating and can help you and me to think about what's important to us right now. If there are things to be changed, today is better than next week or next year. Or never! It's also valuable to see all the wisdom we have gleaned through life experience. Appreciate that. Be grateful—even for those difficult experiences from which you learned invaluable lessons. Celebrate where you are now.

Control & choice

Actor James Dean once said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

That's a good reminder to retain our awareness of what's within our control and what is not. Changing the wind is not within our control. Adjusting our sails is. There is much in our lives that's completely out of our control. Knowing the difference is an important part of personal development—and of learning to live healthier lives.

Have you ever found yourself fighting or resisting what is? Perhaps it's an illness that struck you or a loved one. Or a change in job duties that you don't want. That struggle can be exhausting. You do have choices, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way. At the very least, you have a choice as to how you will respond. Will you accept the job changes? Will you even make the best of them, at least until you can find a new job (if that's what you need to do)? Will you participate in choosing your treatment for the illness—and perhaps even actively seek out options yourself?

Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer can also be a helpful reminder for such situations: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Go ahead: Adjust your sails today and get where you want to go just the same. Then enjoy the serenity that follows.

Recover wonder & wisdom

Socrates said it. "Wisdom begins in wonder."

Wonder. It's a concept we may not employ so much anymore. Perhaps because of all our technological and scientific advances, we tend to be fairly blase about so much. It takes a lot to impress us, a lot to stop us in our tracks, a lot to feel the "wow factor" of our surroundings or our lives.

But think about it. Really? Is there nothing out there that can amaze us these days? Just the beauty of a sunrise or sunset? Or the incredible bird choruses in early morning? Or an infant discovering she can roll over? A toddler taking first steps? A child coming home from school and reading a book on his own? The intense blue of the sky filled with fluffy white clouds? The love and devotion of a parent, a spouse, partner, child or friend? The way our bodies serve us for decades?

When we really stop to take notice, we're surrounded with things that should bring us to our knees in awe and wonder. The key words there are "stop to take notice." Develop an awareness of what's around you. Nourish gratitude for the beauty, love and sweet things in your life. Doing so ratchets up your curiosity, spurs your creativity and deepens your experience—thus increasing your wisdom. How much more can you learn when you really stop to notice what's in and around you? The possibilities are endless. Be curious. Be aware. Nurture wonder. And enjoy the wisdom that flows from that.

You're more than your fears

Fears play such a huge part in all our lives. How often does fear hold us back from being who we really were meant to be? From taking on a career or a project we really yearn to start? From saying things we want to speak? From following our dreams and passions?

I like what educator Parker J. Palmer says: "I will always have fears, but I need not be my fears, for I have other places within myself from which to speak and act."

Indeed. We do have other places inside. We do have other qualities that can inspire and give us the confidence to speak and act.

So where in your life is fear holding you back? What wisdom or passion inside can you access to move past the fear? Can you look the fear right in the eye, acknowledge it and move ahead anyway?

I can remember after my divorce having such fears about moving to a large city and putting myself out there to start a career on my own. I really had to acknowledge those fears—and for a long time, I had to rely on family and close friends to inspire and encourage me. I had to "fake it until I could make it." Soon enough, I could draw on my own wisdom and passion to get where I wanted to be. But fears are never gone for all time. They have a tendency to crop up again. Or new fears emerge. So it's not once-and-done. But it becomes easier once you've learned to face fear and dig down inside for those "other places within" from which to act, doesn't it?

BFFs help us through

Do you have "girlfriends?" A strong support network of other women? Studies have shown that this is one of the elements in the longevity and well-being of women. We have a "tend and befriend" pattern of relating to one another.

My women's Bible study group is working through a book by Barbara J. Essex titled Girlfriends: Exploring Women's Relationships in the Bible. While some of the relationships between women we study in the Bible aren't exactly friendly (Sarah and Hagar) and some of the women aren't even named (Jephthah's daughter), we are having some good discussions about what constitutes a solid friendship and what those BFF relationships do for us.

Each of us has different experiences of girlfriends—and different expectations. But we all talk about the importance of sharing—sharing concerns, sharing our yearnings, sharing our wisdom. Doing this helps us let go of things we don't need to drag along with us. It helps us stay open to new things. It gives us courage to face our fears. As the old saying goes, it "doubles our joy and divides our grief."

To have a friend, we simply need to be a friend. I like what Albert Camus said: "Don't walk in front of me. I may not follow. Don't walk behind me. I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

Life with passion

Last week I blogged about Maya Angelou, who recently died. Quite by coincidence, my desktop calendar included a quote by her when I turned over its pages last weekend. Another good one, I might add. Another tidbit of wisdom from a woman who left us a rich legacy.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style," Angelou is quoted as saying.

Aren't those great components for life? Passion? Oh, yes, it's just a joy to observe those who live life at full-tilt. It's even better to do so ourselves.

Compassion? Yes, this really is an important part of life. It's not just compassion for others, as important as that is, but it includes self-compassion as well. You and I all thrive when we're treated with compassion.

Humor? I've always said that I especially need two things to get through life: my faith and my sense of humor. Both seem pretty important to me, and I was blessed that my family passed both of those on to me.

And style—it takes some of us a while to feel comfortable enough in our own skin to develop a style that fits. How good it feels when we finally do, though.

Decide today to do more than survive. It's time to jump in with both feet—and thrive.

Circles and wisdom

My favorite shape is a circle. It most definitely is not a pyramid.

Why is that? A circle speaks to me of equality. Infinity. Connection. Wholeness. And even though a circle may seem closed to some people, I see it as permeable. I see the circle opening to let in new things—new information, new ideas, new friends, new dreams. When people stand in a circle, there's always room for more.

A pyramid, on the other hand, reminds me of hierarchy. Someone's at the top. Lots of people are at the bottom. And your getting to the top depends on there being lots of others at the bottom, supporting you, as it were. I've been in enough organizations where hierarchy rules. And I'm not convinced it's working.

My leadership style was (and still is) collaborative. I see each one of us as having pieces of wisdom. When we put all our pieces together, so much more is possible. A synergy is created when we all throw our wisdom and ideas into the pot, stir them up and see what bubbles up. Usually wisdom emerges that we could not have imagined when we worked alone as individuals. That's why I love teamwork. I like to motivate and encourage others to do their best, be their best. That is totally win/win for me. 

As a coach, that's my style, too. I don't have the answers to your life questions. That would be extremely arrogant on my part. But I can ask you questions, throw out new ways of seeing things, question your assumptions, and help you find those answers. Here's what I believe: Deep down we each have what it takes to work through our life questions. My job as a coach is to help you access your wisdom, feelings, thoughts, ideas and dreams so you can get unstuck and find the solutions for which you long.

Contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary strategy session if you'd like to try coaching.





thurs.

Women share wisdom

Have you heard of The Third Metric women's conferences? Arianna Huffington, editor-in-chief of the Huffington Post Media Group, and Mika Brzezinski of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" program co-hosted the first such conference last summer and are continuing that work with three events this spring. The two women (and a long lineup of speakers) are interested in defining success in a new way. So far the two metrics to measure success have been money and power. These two women have opened a conversation to seek a third metric.

Brzezinski and Huffington are particularly interested in changing workplaces because they see the current work-till-you-drop-then-get-out-of-the-way working environments killing people. Not only is this work culture not working for women, it's not working for men either. These women seek a definition of success "that includes well-being, wisdom, wonder, empathy, and the ability to give back."

So many good quotes emerged from presenters at the first conference. One I especially liked was from Glamour editor-in-chief Cindi Leive and refers to the pressure we women put on ourselves and that's been put on us as well: "I hate the phrase 'having it all'—no one has it all, and trying to is the surest way to make yourself feel like a failure. I try to think of it as 'having what matters.' What matters to me right now are my family and my work."

And Cisco CTO Padmasree Warrior said: "The important thing to remember is it's not about balance; it's about integration ... really focus on making sure you're integrating all four aspects of your work, your family, your community and yourself. And it's not about trying to spend equal amounts of time on everything you do each day on each of these things, but making sure you're paying attention to all the things that make it up as a whole human being."

I don't know about you, but I intend to follow this conversation. I think these women are on the right track. And the more we share our questions and our wisdom, the more transformation we can bring about.