The center of the storm

In these days of so much conflict and anxiety, I keep looking for ways to stay with positivity and keep hope alive. So once again, I turn to one of my favorite inspirational poets and authors, Mark Nepo. He came extremely close to death with his cancer, so he speaks out of some deep experience.

In his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, he reminds us that "...the only true place of calm in a storm is the very center." 

He goes on to say, "Somehow, in the face of adversity and suffering, we are asked to appreciate life and endear ourselves to it. Not by replacing adversity with joy and not by turning from the difficulties and injustices of living, but by facing them with truth and gratitude for being here anyway. Even after cancer, and in the midst of this journey now, I don't know how to do this but know I must. We must."

As I struggle to find out how to do this myself, I'm encouraged to know that he isn't sure either but that he knows we all must find our way to this place of calm and equanimity. I don't know why but that spurs me forward to find ways myself.

He quotes former president of the Czech Republic Vaclav Havel on the subject of hope: "Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." Ah, yes, there is a difference. And now I still have to think of what that means in our context in this country.

How do you see this?

Conflict: Not a dirty word

I have a different view of conflict today than I had years ago. Mind you, I don't like big blow-out arguments and fights. But conflict? Sometimes that can be healthy.

Sometimes we need to ask tough questions. We need to speak truth to power—and speak the truth in love. Sometimes we need to challenge the status quo. We need to encourage change. And that requires a risk. It can mean stepping on the toes of others. Hurting feelings. It takes courage.

We can develop the discipline of being a non-anxious presence, of listening to the other person even when we aren't backing away from a differing point of view. Doing so requires that we have self-compassion, which then leads to compassion for others. When we come from that kind of place, conflict can look very different.

If you have a situation that you fear could lead to conflict, try approach it with compassion—both for yourself and the other(s). Try approach it without fear. See what a difference that might make.

I'd love to hear your experiences with such an approach.

Discovery & possibilities

Years ago I bought a book to help me deal with some workplace conflicts that were happening among staff I supervised. I picked it up the other day and remembered that it has a lot of good life lessons in its pages. I came across a segment on "discovery."

Here's what author Thomas F. Crum wrote in his book The Magic of Conflict: "The power of discovery encourages us to explore solutions rather than spend excess energy on blame and justification. The energy saved is now used to create and develop projects and ideas that work and, just as important, to have fun and to grow in the process."

Crum goes on to say discovery: "is a place that doesn't know, doesn't evaluate, and is willing to see what is; sees beyond the fight to an open realm of possibilities; enables us to let go of the filters of our past and the blinders of our expectations; perceives no right or wrong, only inquiry and creativity; turns frustration into fascination and work into play."

Those few sentences are loaded, aren't they? One thing is certain: Worrying about blame, right and wrong, and expectations doesn't move us ahead into the land of possibilities. I know I need to hear that. So I'm going to guess there will be others of you who may as well.

Focus on the possibilities—on discovery.

Drop 'my way or highway' attitude

Some of my clients come to me with relationship issues. Perhaps it's a marriage relationship. Or it might be a friendship—or even a workplace relationship that is totally dysfunctional. Getting along in this world challenges each of us from time to time. It's not easy, and it definitely requires attention and intention.

I like what John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman say in their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. These ideas can apply to any relationship, not just marriage:

"To keep a perpetual issue from becoming gridlocked, you can
• make dialogue your goal rather than finding the perfect solution
• see the problem as a third party outside your relationship; the problem is not your partner
• recognize that there are no 'right' and 'wrong' solutions
• accept that the conflict may never go away, but you can live together peacefully anyway
• look for humor in conflict."

Don't those suggestions sound practical and helpful? I especially like the one about there not being "right" and "wrong" solutions. So often you and I become married to our way of thinking and acting, feeling it's absolutely the only correct way. Hardly a helpful position to take, right? Often, when one partner says one way and another partner says something different, there is at least a third way that's possible. Perhaps there are even several options that are workable, and you can do some brainstorming together to come up with possibilities—then select one that seems to hold the best chance for success. And always, always, remember to keep and employ your sense of humor.