The center of the storm

In these days of so much conflict and anxiety, I keep looking for ways to stay with positivity and keep hope alive. So once again, I turn to one of my favorite inspirational poets and authors, Mark Nepo. He came extremely close to death with his cancer, so he speaks out of some deep experience.

In his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, he reminds us that "...the only true place of calm in a storm is the very center." 

He goes on to say, "Somehow, in the face of adversity and suffering, we are asked to appreciate life and endear ourselves to it. Not by replacing adversity with joy and not by turning from the difficulties and injustices of living, but by facing them with truth and gratitude for being here anyway. Even after cancer, and in the midst of this journey now, I don't know how to do this but know I must. We must."

As I struggle to find out how to do this myself, I'm encouraged to know that he isn't sure either but that he knows we all must find our way to this place of calm and equanimity. I don't know why but that spurs me forward to find ways myself.

He quotes former president of the Czech Republic Vaclav Havel on the subject of hope: "Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out." Ah, yes, there is a difference. And now I still have to think of what that means in our context in this country.

How do you see this?

More grace

I just read the most fascinating quote by American author and playwright Robert Anton Wilson: "Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. We have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief."

Wow! It really made me stop and think. Such a quote has a way of grabbing our attention, right? I admit that I don't know the context of that quote, although I did do a quick search that didn't yield anything.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how everyone I meet is dealing with something or other—many facing painful, frightening and heavy issues. And I have absolutely no idea when I see someone in a store, at church, in a meeting or on the street what's going on in that person's life. The term "walking wounded" really seems apt. Yes, we are all wounded in some way, aren't we? And we are all dealing with anxiety or grief.

For me, that means that I need to pay special attention to how I treat everyone. I need to remember to approach people with kindness and a full measure of grace, acceptance and forgiveness. More grace. Less attitude.

Avoid dwelling on problems

When you face a problem in your life, do you tend to dwell on it, obsessing constantly and worrying about it? Do you become so anxious that you can't even see solutions easily? This can cause sleeplessness, either overeating or not eating at all, irritability, depression and isolation.

Dwelling on our issues tends to make us even more anxious. It can seriously impair our ability to think of and create solutions, and it can damage our decision-making capability. Anxiety does not make for creativity and clear-headed thinking.

Try just walking away from the problem for a while. Give yourself some diversionary time. Move on to something else. Spend time with a hobby. Take time out with friends or loved ones. Engage in a physical activity you enjoy. Just let the issue go for a while.

Generally, you'll return to the problem with fresh eyes and far more creativity to seek solutions. And most likely, you'll have renewed energy to move into action toward a solution. You might even think of enlisting the help of someone else to seek a solution.

Let go of anxiety and fear. Be good to yourself—and refuel your brain in ways that refresh and renew you. Try self-care instead of worry!

Don't let social anxiety get you down

Most everyone wants to be liked, loved, admired, respected and treated well. Some of us want it too much, however. Have you ever experienced that? And when that happens, are you angry with yourself for wanting approval too much? Angry that you haven't stood up for yourself or shown more self-esteem and self-confidence? Upset with yourself that your fears got the best of you?

Let go of the anger at yourself. Drop the shame. Instead, take a look at your patterns of behavior in a variety of social or work situations. What are the situations that most trip your triggers? And what are your responses? What are you thinking at the time? What fears are driving your behavior? Do you "awfulize" (everything is absolutely disastrous)? Do you overgeneralize (this always happens to me)? Do you magnify (blow things way out of proportion, similar to awfulizing)? Do you compare yourself, always coming up way below average and below everyone else in the room?

Challenge those thoughts and see whether there aren't more reasonable ways of seeing the particular situation(s) in question—and of seeing yourself.

Then develop some mantras or self-statements that you can repeat whenever you find yourself in a situation that might trigger your social anxiety. For example, "I'll be just fine. Others here are anxious, too. We are all in this together." Or "I am calm and serene, and I won't let my fear and insecurity rule me." "Everyone has baggage and insecurities. Some just hide it better. I will be friendly and show compassion to all I meet."

Over time, you just might see your anxiety reduced. It takes time, attention and intention to make changes like this. But it's so rewarding.

What's behind the procrastination?

Do you ever procrastinate? While some people may have more of a tendency toward procrastination than others, we all can do this from time to time. It might be a phone call or an appointment we need to make. It could be a project. It might even be a conversation we have to have with someone—and we know it won't be an easy one.

Generally, some type of fear or anxiety is behind procrastination. "I don't know how to do it, and I don't want to appear stupid and ask someone for advice or instruction." "If I don't even start the project, I can't fail." "I'm worried what others will think if I do this." "It's going to end up taking too much time ... or too much money." "This could even make things worse. I don't know what the outcome might be."

That's just a tiny starter list of fears. I'm sure you can make a list of your own.

The best thing is to just dig down and take a look, straight on, at those fears and anxieties. Sometimes it takes a while to determine what's really holding us back. You may need to ask yourself several times, "What's the real reason I'm not doing this?" The first response may not be the real one. Just keep asking the same question and drilling down until something really resonates. You've likely hit pay dirt then, and now you can begin to address the issue(s).

In the end, the procrastination and fear can become teachers. We may learn something new about ourselves that will help us move forward when we face similar situations in the future. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Retirement & other life changes

Not long ago I facilitated a discussion for women who are on the cusp of retirement and who had some concerns and questions about it. If you are facing retirement or if you have friends who are, here the some open-ended questions for exploration:

• What my heart really longs for in retirement is:
• Things that make me jump out of bed in the morning:
• Fun, playful things I want to do in retirement are:
• What makes me most anxious about my retirement is:
• Resources I have to deal with those anxieties:

Anytime we move from one phase of life to another, even when it's something to which we look forward, we are only human if we also feel some anxiety. Even good change in our lives can include losses. When we move to something new and exciting, we also leave behind some things that we liked and will miss. It's good to be honest about that. New beginnings always include some endings, too.

What helps you face this, no matter what stage of life is next for you, is being real about it all. It helps to talk it over with others. It also helps to consider what resources you have to face this—including those people in your life who will help you work through whatever anxieties or losses you have.

If you are in the middle of some transition or if you're facing retirement and wish to talk it over, I invite you to contact me for an absolutely no-obligation, complimentary strategy session.

How can you stay positive?

So many people have told me these past several weeks that it's difficult for them to shake their fears and anxieties. There is still such a war of words and ideas all around us. So much is changing so quickly. So it's understandable that fears are heightened and difficult to push down. I feel that way myself many days.

Although I want to be an informed citizen, some days I simply have to say, "Enough. I can't hear any more news, good, bad or otherwise!" Take a little break to ground yourself again if you feel that way from time to time.

Here are some tips that I'm trying to follow myself to keep positive in the face of all the fear and negativity:

• Engage in good self care. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise.
• Begin each day in gratitude. Think of even just three things for which you're grateful as you awaken.
• End the day in gratitude, too. Go to sleep with good thoughts of three things for which you're grateful from that day.
• Decide what you can control and do that. Try to let go of what's completely out of your control. If you don't like something happening in the U.S. Congress, you can't control that. However, you can call your representatives and register your concerns. That is within your control.
• Stay connected to whatever support systems you have. It's so important when anxiety threatens to drag you down. We do need each other.
• Try to remember the long view—a year from now, two years, five years.
• Continue whatever practices have helped you in the past: quiet time, meditation, yoga or other grounding exercises.

 Please contact me if you'd like a complimentary session to discuss this.

Anxiety: It's part of life

Anxiety. It's a common malady. And truly, don't you wonder whether we wouldn't all be better off simply accepting that we'll always suffer from some level of it?

We all have fantasies about how we'll rid ourselves of anxiety. Getting away. Travel to a beautiful location. Or a serene location. Finally having that beautiful home filled with labor-saving devices and all the lovely art objects to fill us with delight. That perfect job and perfect work colleagues. Maybe even a perfect boss. (Or is that too much of a dream?) The perfect spouse who completely understands us and with whom we never argue. Oh, and, of course, perfect children. Sure, right!

While it's a good idea to find ways to reduce our anxiety where possible, it may simply increase our anxiety to think that any of the things suggested above (or any other fantasies) will rid us of anxiety.

Why don't we simply accept that anxiety is part of being human just as is a certain amount of loneliness? Then we can get on with stress-management techniques that really do help us face the anxiety we experience and bring down the level. What works for you? Find some practices that reduce your anxiety, if it's higher than you'd like. And simply get on with life, knowing perfection isn't possible. Be okay with being human!

Fear need not have the last word

Fear and anxiety. Can't they just grab us by the throat and hold on for dear life? This has always been true. But these days with news 24/7 (much of it bad) and information coming at us from every direction, it's easy to get caught up in fear, anxiety and anger. There's so much "out there" to threaten our peace and well-being as we try to stay ahead of health issues, economic downfall, job insecurity, relationship problems and all the other things we fear.

It's important to not let those fears and that anxiety run away with us. I really like what educator and author Parker J. Palmer has to say: "I will always have fears, but I need not be my fears, for I have other places within myself from which to speak and act."

Isn't that a good reminder? Indeed, we do have other places inside from which to act. Places of grace. Places of deep joy and happiness. Places of gratitude. Places of serenity, of trust and of peace. But it takes intentionality to go to those places rather than take the path of least resistance—to fear.

Remember that when fear gets its grip on you next time. Take a couple really deep breaths—and think about those other places inside from which you can speak and act. And make a choice to go there instead.

Aim for realism, not blind fear

Anxiety and fear can be good things in our lives. They can alert us to real dangers. Your boss has become increasingly critical of things you're doing—and anxiety tells you this could have a bad outcome. You worry that you are about to lose your job, so you freshen up your resume and put out feelers for something else.

You're about to cross the street; and from the corner of your eye, you see a blur of color—a car running the red light. Fear grips you and you stop in your tracks so you won't be hit.

Sometimes we need fear and anxiety as warning signals, don't we?

However, at times we get carried away in our assessment of the danger ahead. The doctor says she sees something that's not clear during our mammogram, and immediately we jump ahead thinking we have breast cancer—and sometimes even play it out in our minds until we see ourselves on our death bed. This is what's called "awfulizing." We don't wait to learn what's really going on. We immediately take the situation to an extreme in our minds and feel the anxiety of its being true.

Rather than try talk ourselves completely out of anxiety or fear, perhaps a starting place is to try to more accurately assess risky situations. What is the likelihood of an awful outcome, really? And even if the worst happens, will you have options? Assess the situation—and try to let go of predicting the outcome. Once you have some answers, you can make a plan and take charge of the situation. And always remember, there is nothing wrong with asking for support and help from others when bad things do happen.