Every stone counts!

Today is Christmas Eve. We have heard much throughout this season about peace on earth. And yet, we hear stories of war and violence across the globe. We hear fights over immigration. We see the huge refugee problem. We are stunned by the amount of gun violence and the mass shootings in our country. We are constantly aware of the awful cycle of poverty, homelessness and hunger all around us and globally.

These issues seem insurmountable. We often think, "But I'm only one insignificant person. What can I possibly do?"

Confucius once said, "The person who moves a mountain begins by carrying small stones." At Christmastime and all through the year, let's remember the power we really do have. Let's start by carrying small stones. Pick even one of the country's or world's problems and do one small thing to begin. One small stone. Then another. Join hands with others. See what a difference we really can make! Change happens one person at a time.

Think of the possibilities!

Glad to be here!

Have you ever had an experience that scared the living daylights out of you but that didn't fully affect you until much later? Perhaps it's quite normal.

Nearly a week ago while driving along a busy freeway at commute time, with semis and cars going 60 mph or more, I came way too close for comfort to being in a terrible accident. An SUV in the far left lane of three lanes of traffic suddenly veered 90 degrees across all lanes headed, full speed, toward me in the far right lane. I could see my trajectory, if I continued full speed, would bring him right about to my driver's side door. As soon as I saw him head toward me, I slammed on my brakes so hard that I could smell rubber on the road. I still thought he'd hit me but more on the front end of the car. Amazingly, he flew right by the front of my car, missing it by what must have been three or four inches as he flew, full speed, right off the road and into a field of trees beyond.

I was shaking like a leaf and slowly resumed my drive, exiting off the highway and to city streets just a few feet ahead, where I could calm down. I saw other cars and semis behind me stopping, so I knew someone would call police and ambulance. It took me a long time to settle down. But it wasn't until that night when I awoke after a couple hours of sleep that I began thinking of all the "What ifs" of that event. I'm amazed no one rear-ended me when I stopped so suddenly, especially with all the semis and cars behind me. I'm amazed the car didn't hit someone in the middle lane, causing a multi-car pile-up. And I still can't believe the SUV didn't even touch my car at all. I could have been killed, I know that. I could have been hospitalized with severe injuries. I could have been shoved off the road as the SUV flew off—and rolled over several times. So many different scenarios and very real possibilities have run through my mind ever since.

It's tough to forget this scene, and it comes to mind, uninvited, daily, with possibilities playing out again and again. One night I even awoke screaming, scaring the daylights out of my fiancé. I'm trying to let it all go but that doesn't seem easy.

One thing I don't want to lose, however, is that deep sense of gratitude I feel for being alive. At the same time, my heart hurts for whoever was in the SUV; and I can't seem to learn anything about what happened, but I know it could not have been good. Life: It's always good and bad all mixed together—gratitude for some things and sorrow for others.

See that glass half-full—or perhaps full!

On Wednesday we talked about the difference gratitude can make in our lives. I don't know about you, but I seem to need frequent reminders of this. It's so easy to slip into seeing the glass half-empty, especially if you're a consumer of the daily news!

I've noticed something about myself, however, and I wonder if you find it true as well. When I let a negative attitude prevail and see the glass half-empty, I find that discouragement dogs my heels. It's way too easy to spiral down until I find myself grumbling about everything. And it's difficult to be creative and find solutions to daily problems. My focus then becomes all things negative, and I don't even see the beauty and goodness around me.

However, when I focus on the good things going on around me and see the glass half-full, opportunities abound. I see solutions more quickly. I feel creative. I access my ability for wonder and awe. And I'm far happier besides. Gratitude is my natural response at those times.

When we are in grateful mode, others want to be around us. We even like being with ourselves then! The happiness ripples just keep extending out further and further. Imagine the impact on the world around us.

Let this be your reminder today. It'll serve as mine, too!

Be ready for whatever comes

You still have a couple days of the old year to think about what you want to let go so you can enter 2017 as unencumbered as possible without old ideas, old grudges and old baggage. What would lighten your load? What things feel like a ball-and-chain that you no longer wish to drag around?

OK, here's your chance to shed all that so you can soar like the proverbial butterfly into a brand new year. If you do that, you'll be so much more ready for the adventure of new possibilities and opportunities. Who knows what lies ahead?

There's a second part to this. The first part is the letting go. The next part is to stay awake and aware so you notice the opportunities that show up in your life. It's so easy to be all tied in knots about old stuff and not even see what's on the path in front of us. We might be too busy looking in the rear-view mirror or looking straight down at the ground and not seeing what shows up on the horizon.

Let 2017 be a year of embracing opportunity and adventure. Happy New Year to you!


P.S. Remember, beginning next week, I will post blogs only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday each week. I invite you to tell me what topic ideas you'd like to see. Make your suggestions at: sonia@way2growcoaching.com.

Let your journey unfold

Have you ever been in a place of just not knowing where you're going or what should come next in your life? You feel directionless and confused.

No doubt, each of us has been in this place at one time or another. Some of us have perhaps been there more than one time! Perhaps you're there right now.

I like what Melody Beattie says in her daily meditation book, Journey to the Heart: "Trust. Let go. Stay as peaceful as you can. Stay right here in the present moment. Sharpen your tools—your intuition, your inner voice, your consciousness, and your awareness. Do the little things, the small actions that appear right, the things that are right before you. Feel your feelings. Move through the fear. Wrap up in self-love. Then let the journey unfold. Trust that you are being guided and led."

That sounds so simple. We know it isn't. Still, it is good advice. And I like the image of a journey unfolding. That's typically how it happens. New directions don't often come in a great burst of energy. More often, they do unfold—little piece by little piece, in an incremental fashion. Just be open to the possibilities. And stay aware. Trust.

Between reality and possibility

Author and educator Parker J. Palmer speaks of living in a "tragic gap"—"a gap between the way things are and the way we know they might be."

I've read his thoughts on this and many other things before, and he makes so much sense. Somehow following a difficult presidential election cycle, the idea of a tragic gap is surfacing again for me. There most definitely does exist a gap between how things are and how we know they could be—or at least how we hope they might be. Sometimes we simply accept the way things are in a resigned ay, never believing that change is possible. We disengage, believing that nothing will ever change.

However, as Palmer says, "...to be in the world nonviolently means learning to hold the tension of opposites, trusting that the tension itself will pull our hearts and minds open to a third way of thinking and acting." Further, he says, "If we want to live nonviolent lives, we must learn to stand in the tragic gap, faithfully holding the tension between reality and possibility in hopes of being opened to a third way."

I like that image: holding the tension between reality and possibility. And I like the idea of a third way. You, too?

A menu of possibilities

I am trying to be intentional about how I spend my time these days. I'm extremely conscious of being in the final third of life. Knowing that I have many more years behind than ahead of me, I want to be sure I spend them in ways that are congruent with my values and my hopes.

Yesterday as I thought about this topic again, it occurred to me that it might be good to create a menu of sorts—and then study it to see exactly what I want right now. I don't just mean a bucket list. Those are great to do for the large and extraordinary experiences or trips we want to have before we die. But I'm talking more about just how we want to spend our last days and years. What things do we want to be doing? What do we want our focus to be? Our attitude? How do we want our ordinary days to look and feel?

We do have choices to be made about such things. If we want to be positive and happy, we need to fill our hearts and minds with good things. We need to stop focusing on negative people and situations. Let go of that remark someone made that you didn't like. Stop dwelling on what you didn't get to do last week and look at the wonderful things that did happen. You get the picture.

Why not create your menu or possibilities? Study it as you do a restaurant menu. And then order up just what you want—and make it happen!

Discovery & possibilities

Years ago I bought a book to help me deal with some workplace conflicts that were happening among staff I supervised. I picked it up the other day and remembered that it has a lot of good life lessons in its pages. I came across a segment on "discovery."

Here's what author Thomas F. Crum wrote in his book The Magic of Conflict: "The power of discovery encourages us to explore solutions rather than spend excess energy on blame and justification. The energy saved is now used to create and develop projects and ideas that work and, just as important, to have fun and to grow in the process."

Crum goes on to say discovery: "is a place that doesn't know, doesn't evaluate, and is willing to see what is; sees beyond the fight to an open realm of possibilities; enables us to let go of the filters of our past and the blinders of our expectations; perceives no right or wrong, only inquiry and creativity; turns frustration into fascination and work into play."

Those few sentences are loaded, aren't they? One thing is certain: Worrying about blame, right and wrong, and expectations doesn't move us ahead into the land of possibilities. I know I need to hear that. So I'm going to guess there will be others of you who may as well.

Focus on the possibilities—on discovery.

From discomfort to growth

Author M. Scott Peck once said, "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Have you found this to be true? Although I haven't much liked being in those uncomfortable and unhappy places, I see that much of my growth has come from such times.

There is something to be said for asking deep questions at those times: What might need changing in my life? What do I really desire? Are there things I need to let go? Parts of me I need to embrace in order to be my truest self? 

And there surely is something to be said for stepping out of ruts! Once you move out of a rut, so many possibilities present themselves. Who knows what might be ahead? It's OK to feel uncomfortable for a while. Let yourself open up to something new!

Closed doors—and open spaces

No doubt we all have had doors close for us—opportunities that we thought we could embrace and enjoy but that simply slipped away from us. And most of us have heard the sayings about windows opening when doors close.

Here's what educator and writer Parker J. Palmer has to say about that: "Each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around—which puts the door behind us—and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls. The door that closed kept us from entering a room, but what now lies before us is the rest of reality...."

Further, he goes on to say, "We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance it has to offer—and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives."

Do you find that as helpful as I do? Palmer's words offer some new images for me: putting the closed door behind and seeing the open space ("the largeness of life") ahead. And I like his use of the terms "yes" and "no." I have found it to be true: When a door closes, a world full of possibilities emerge. A lot of potential resides in that space. And we get to make choices—and say yes to new possibilities.

Dream big; embrace failure

American dogsled driver and explorer Norman Vaughn once said, "The only death you die is the one you die daily by not living. Dream big and dare to fail."

Read that again. Those words have huge impact. Are you dreaming big? Are you open to failure, seeing it as an opportunity to learn? Have you dreamed big? Have you experienced failure? What did you learn from it? What difference did that make in your life? What dreams do you have now?

It's so easy to "live small." To shut down our big dreams. To believe we really couldn't do what it is we'd dreamt of doing. To think we're not enough. To not believe in ourselves.

Yet how many times have we read or heard of people who overcame fears and doubts, perhaps even  failing several times, before succeeding in their plan? We have only to think of Thomas Edison, who tried and failed many, many times before his light bulb success. I have read that he and his team tested more than 3,000 designs before succeeding. He didn't see each of those attempts as failure but as learning ways that didn't work on his way to finding what would work.

Even without such big dreams as that, it's important to not be among the "walking dead"—those who are alive but mostly sleepwalk through life, not being aware of all the possibilities and blessings all around. Wake up. Dream big. Embrace failure.

How will you tell your story?

I've been thinking a lot lately about telling my life story to my family—my sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren. Because I'm a writer, I'd love to write it out. I'm not sure exactly when this will happen as my plate seems full enough at present. But it's on my wish list of things I'd like to do. It's not because my life has been so extraordinary but more that I realize they know only a tiny part of me. And it's their history and legacy, too.

And so I've been thinking about the difference in how we tell our life stories. That brings to mind Dawna Markova's book I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. In it she speaks of two ways we tell our stories: We can tell them as "river stories" or as "rut stories."

As you might imagine, rut stories numb us. Picture yourself stuck in a rut, believing that what you've always been and done is exactly what you'll always be and do—leaving no room for change or transformation.

Then there are river stories, which are energizing and carry us forward toward possibility just like a river flowing onward regardless of obstacles in its way.

It's really a matter of focus, isn't it? We can focus on life's pain and problems, making that the centerpiece of our story. Or we can focus on possibilities and promise, looking at all the gifts and blessings in our life. This doesn't mean we deny or ignore the pain and problems. It means we look beyond them to notice life's blessings—which means we more readily notice those that have been there all along.

How will you tell your story?

Where's your focus?

Sometimes when I face a problem or challenge in my life, I'm so focused on the problem itself that I can't even begin to imagine solutions. Ever have that happen?

At such times, I need to be reminded to get the focus off the problem—and instead, focus on the possibilities, the promise, the potential. All those other "p" words that will engage my creativity far more than the problem itself will.

I firmly believe that whatever we focus on gets larger. That being the case, it only makes sense to let the problem be for a while and take a look at possibilities and promise, doesn't it? Suddenly, solutions can present themselves that would never have occurred to us when we're all tensed up and noodling the issue itself.

It can be easier to get into that new focus if we do something relaxing or creative. Engage in some form of play. Do some yoga. Work on your favorite art project. Find something that can help you shift your focus. Then set about generating creative possibilities. Now, isn't that better?

Looking for career options?

If you are searching for career options right now, you just might want to think about your personal experiences. Sometimes, necessity provides clues and training. Sometimes, the things you do quite apart from your work life can lead to new and fulfilling ventures.

For example, Stephanie Tilenius, former Google commerce chief, oversaw her parents' medical care while she held her demanding job for the internet search giant. That led her to start a company that would help patients combat chronic disease. And now her company has launched a mobile application so patients can consult with a whole team of professionals—doctors, nutritionists, nurses and others—from their smartphone. All of that grew out of her necessity to help her parents and the extensive knowledge she gained from that.

One woman I've heard about learned the hard way how to deal with creditors and how to dig out of the deep hole of debt in which she found herself. Once she got her own financial life back on track, she used that hard-won expertise to start a business so she can help others out of their financial holes. She learned lessons from her own experience that simply don't come from books or a classroom. 

Are there things in your life about which you've gained expertise simply through necessity and experience? Might it lead to career options? Or even a small business start-up of your own? If you want to discuss this, I invite you to contact me.

Act 'as if' it were true

One of the pastors at our church often says, "It's easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting."

That takes some reflection, doesn't it? It not only takes time to digest that thought, it takes time to live into it. But so much is possible when you do.

That statement reminds me of what several people told me after my divorce. Act "as if" you're confident about the future, they told me. Act "as if" you see yourself as a successful journalist. Act "as if" your life will come together.

Know what? That wasn't easy—since I was filled with an immense amount of fear and trepidation. I didn't have much confidence at that stage of life. I surely didn't see good things ahead. But I took their advice and put on my most confident, successful face. Before long, life and career did begin to fall into place. Little by little, fears diminished. Confidence built. A career I could not have imagined began taking shape. And I began to think of myself as a successful journalist and a leader on my staff.

Have you acted yourself into a new way of thinking before? Or do you need to right now? If you want to talk about it, I invite you to contact me.

Nature's lessons

Granted, many trees (at least where I live) no longer have many of their leaves. Lots of those leaves provide a blanket for the grass instead. But those that remain on trees are more muted shades of orange and gold now—more rust than orange, more shades of brown than gold. To me, however, they're still lovely.

I used to enjoy only the brightest shades of fall color. And I really still do enjoy fall colors at their peak. I am filled with wonder and delight at those bright colors, especially when the sunlight washes over them until they almost glow.

But now I enjoy the colors of late autumn, too. Is it because I am in life's autumn myself, I wonder? It might be. At last, I am able to appreciate each of life's stages and recognize that there's a beauty in each stage. I love the innocence and curiosity of the very young. I enjoy the confidence and brashness of teens and young adults. I'm enthralled by the energy and seeking of those just new to careers, parenting and mortgage acquisition. I am thrilled by the integration of values and experience I see in mature adults. And I soak up the wisdom and non-attachment of those who have lived many more years than I. Now I value and appreciate it all. I see the beauty in each stage. Perhaps that's why I can enjoy those stages in nature as well.

I want to be ever more open to what lessons I can learn in the stage I'm now experiencing—to what life brings to me now. Perhaps nature is one way I can better enter into the openness and possibilities being offered to me. Do you experience lessons through nature, too?

What can you learn today?

When you start your day, you have absolutely no idea what situations might arise or what you might learn. It's good to stay open and aware so you don't miss possibilities to learn about things you otherwise might not have discovered. Such opportunities open the doors to compassion and to wisdom at a level we can't imagine ahead of time.

Last Sunday at coffee hour following our worship service, we sat at the same table as a young man we'd not seen before. Through conversation, we discovered that he had only recently aged out of the foster-care system. He now lives in an apartment near our church and is job-hunting. And, oh, the stories he could tell about his experiences—some good and many of them just heart-breaking and sad.

I left the coffee hour grateful for the opportunity to get to know this young man just a bit and to learn more about a way of life with which I'm not very familiar. All I know about the foster-care system is what I've read. And I'm sure what he told at the table is only the tip of the iceberg. But it raised my awareness significantly.

What might provide a learning opportunity for you today? Stay awake and aware so you don't miss a chance for growth, increased compassion and wisdom.

Obstacles & opportunities

I've said before that how we see things determines how far we can go in life. It makes a huge difference in how much joy, serenity and peace we feel, too.

Educator and author Marsha Sinetar puts it this way, "Life's ups and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones." It's true. All those obstacles and opportunities mold and shape us, determining goals and values.

"Windows of opportunity." What a good description for the ebb and flow of life. I've heard it said that we wouldn't know the beauty of mountains if we never spent time in the valleys.

Sometimes it's important to just keep our seat belts fastened for this roller-coaster ride we call life. We can't know what's ahead. And it's far easier for us if we are able to accept the ebb and flow rather than fighting obstacles and missing windows of opportunity.

What might change in your life if you saw obstacles as stepping stones? Might it have made a difference in some past event? Do you think it's possible to begin seeing them that way now? What one small step could you take to help you see a current obstacle as an opportunity?

Life questions & ambiguity

So many people I know are going through what can be called a time of discernment, wilderness or desert time, or any of a variety of names for those times of deep questioning and uncertainty about what's happening in your life or what should come next. Each one of us experiences such periods at various times in our life, so this is not at all unusual.

How you choose to handle that time is what can matter, however. Try to be OK with the ambiguity. Seek to befriend whatever questions arise within you. Above all, determine to not rush toward resolution and answers. It's never comfortable to be in that in-between place—but usually it's a time of real creativity, and it can be the seedbed for new dreams and possibilities. Don't try to run fast to escape the questions and uncertainty. That could just prolong the process. Spend time with the discomfort and complexities to see what might emerge.

Journal with what's coming up inside—or find someone with whom to discuss your thoughts and feelings. If you'd like some coaching around this topic, I invite you to contact me. Remember, I always offer a complimentary, no-obligation initial strategy session before any coaching agreement is entered.

Drop 'my way or highway' attitude

Some of my clients come to me with relationship issues. Perhaps it's a marriage relationship. Or it might be a friendship—or even a workplace relationship that is totally dysfunctional. Getting along in this world challenges each of us from time to time. It's not easy, and it definitely requires attention and intention.

I like what John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman say in their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. These ideas can apply to any relationship, not just marriage:

"To keep a perpetual issue from becoming gridlocked, you can
• make dialogue your goal rather than finding the perfect solution
• see the problem as a third party outside your relationship; the problem is not your partner
• recognize that there are no 'right' and 'wrong' solutions
• accept that the conflict may never go away, but you can live together peacefully anyway
• look for humor in conflict."

Don't those suggestions sound practical and helpful? I especially like the one about there not being "right" and "wrong" solutions. So often you and I become married to our way of thinking and acting, feeling it's absolutely the only correct way. Hardly a helpful position to take, right? Often, when one partner says one way and another partner says something different, there is at least a third way that's possible. Perhaps there are even several options that are workable, and you can do some brainstorming together to come up with possibilities—then select one that seems to hold the best chance for success. And always, always, remember to keep and employ your sense of humor.