Messy community means staying!

I am part of a group of women who just read and discussed the book A Bigger Table: Building Messy, Authentic, and Hopeful Spiritual Community by John Pavlovitz. We had deep and interesting discussions on the topic, sharing experiences from our lives and thinking about a different way of being in the world.

Being open to engage people who may look different from us or who may see the world from a different viewpoint than we do takes courage. Pavlovitz gave examples from his own life of situations where people discussed, debated and, yes, argued as they tried to make the table larger. He talked about the messiness of such a venture.

Here's what he said about that, "The bigger table isn't one you run from at the first sign of discord. It is based on the lost sacred art of staying." And further, he added, "Expanding the table isn't for the faint of heart or the impatient, which is why so few people actually attempt it, but there is something transformative on the other side of it. ... We need to stop talking and we need to walk shoulder to shoulder with people in real, messy, authentic community—until we all can see it for ourselves."

Yes! I believe he's right about the art of staying—staying in the relationship that would be easier to drop because you see the world so differently, talking about why you see it the way you do and listening to why the other person sees it the way they do, perhaps even learning a lot in the process! And we do need to stop talking and actually practice "real, messy, authentic community."

What might it take for you to do that? I'm pondering that myself these days—since I see the divide becoming greater and greater in our society. One thing is will take is courage, I'm certain of that.

Hard conversations are needed

Last year was an extremely difficult and contentious year in our country. In this brand new year, I'm hearing more conversations about finding ways to talk with one another across the great chasm that seems to divide us. We are divided by race, gender, class and political party, to name just a few. That won't change unless we learn to talk with people who may not necessarily see life through the same lenses as we do.

Doing this involves us all learning how to listen better than we typically do. It means really listening—not just hearing what the other is saying while preparing your own comeback!

I like what Brené Brown says in her latest book, Braving the Wilderness: "We're going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We're going to have to sign up, join, and take a seat at the table. We're going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness."

Right on, Brené!

Conflict: Not a dirty word

I have a different view of conflict today than I had years ago. Mind you, I don't like big blow-out arguments and fights. But conflict? Sometimes that can be healthy.

Sometimes we need to ask tough questions. We need to speak truth to power—and speak the truth in love. Sometimes we need to challenge the status quo. We need to encourage change. And that requires a risk. It can mean stepping on the toes of others. Hurting feelings. It takes courage.

We can develop the discipline of being a non-anxious presence, of listening to the other person even when we aren't backing away from a differing point of view. Doing so requires that we have self-compassion, which then leads to compassion for others. When we come from that kind of place, conflict can look very different.

If you have a situation that you fear could lead to conflict, try approach it with compassion—both for yourself and the other(s). Try approach it without fear. See what a difference that might make.

I'd love to hear your experiences with such an approach.

We have more in common

Last Friday we talked about the deep divide now in our country and the importance of building bridges, not walls.

Is it possible that we can be more intentional about our communication? Might we think of questions to ask those with whom we disagree, questions that open doors and open dialogue rather than shut it down? Perhaps we can ask people what they need in their lives right now. We might ask what they value and how they see those values playing out in our society, in our communities. We can do a lot more listening.

I suspect we have more in common than we think. Most of us simply want to live well and care for our families and loved ones. We want to have access to those things required to make that happen. And most of us really do wish good things for others as well.

I have my own strong feelings about what's going on around us, but I want to keep hope alive. I want to be about relationship, not about shutting people down or out. I want to build bridges, not walls. To do that, I need to get in touch with my own shadow side, too. For we are all both light and shadow. What we dislike in others often is there inside us as well. So it's important to be honest and real about our own "stuff" as we walk this journey and as we think about repairing the divide.

What is helping you get through these days? How are you keeping hope alive? How are you building bridges? I'd love to hear from you.

Bridges, not walls

Divisiveness is nothing new in our society or in our world. Lately, however, it just seems to me the voices are getting louder and the chasm is deepening. Two days ago I read in Jan Phillips' book No Ordinary Time (written in 2011 but so apt right now):

"Fear is in the air now because each side is building a formidable case for its rightness, and the energy that might be spent on solving the problems is going into proving the other side wrong. The butterfly will never get off the ground if the right wing is at war with the left wing.

"The answers that we are seeking lie between the right and left and the only way to access them is to move toward the other, to re-pair the opposites. But one look at our culture—from our religions to our media to our politics—reveals a history of opposition, a 'divide and conquer' disposition."

What a good reminder. As someone said at the Chicago women's march last Saturday, "If you take a wall and lay it down on its side, it becomes a bridge."

Yes, we need to build bridges, not walls—as tempting as it is to keep yelling at each other from the other side of the chasm. We need to somehow listen to each other and move toward "the other" rather than away from. We're all in this boat together.

'Listen with your heart'

Yesterday we talked about listening with compassion. All of us need someone who will listen to us. Is there anything more wonderful than knowing we've really been heard? And understood?

To quote peace activist and Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh again from his book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames: "We know that many people suffer, feeling that no one is able to understand them or their situation. Everyone is too busy and no one seems to have the capacity to listen. But all of us need someone who can listen to us. ... Listening with empathy means you listen in such a way that the other person feels you are really listening, really understanding, hearing with your whole being—with your heart."

To listen in such a deep way takes intention, and it takes practice. It means we have to learn to set aside our own agendas and really tune in to the frequency of the other. We have become far too accustomed to multitasking, even when it comes to our communication skills. This isn't good for relationships.

Perhaps today would be a good day to start by engaging at a deep level with someone you know—and listen, really listen, to them. Listen with your "whole being—with your heart," as Thich Nhat Hanh says.

Deep listening involves compassion

Listening, really listening, to someone else seems to be a lost art, doesn't it? So often, we hear what we think the other will say rather than what that person actually does say. Or we don't really hear at all because we're busy formulating our response. Or perhaps we're thinking about the next five things on our to-do list.

Buddhist monk and Vietnam refugee Thich Nhat Hanh in his book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames says this: "Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen first of all in order to give the other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel that someone finally understands him or her. Deep listening is the kind of listening that helps us to keep compassion alive while the other speaks, which may be for half an hour or forty-five minutes."

Most conversations don't involve the other speaking for that long. But still, we listen not to analyze. We listen to understand someone. We listen to keep compassion alive. That's a very different view of listening, isn't it?

We'll discuss this more in upcoming blogs. And I'd love to hear your views on listening, too. I suspect many of our conflicts could be avoided or at least settled if we could listen better—if we could keep compassion alive.

Ask some questions

On Tuesday we talked about the divisiveness in our society—and about how we might find common ground. We asked the Rodney King question: "Can we all get along?"

If we are to begin with ourselves in this endeavor, it means that we need to engage in some critical thinking about what we read and hear. We need to ask some hard questions about what others present as facts. Are there really only two diametrically opposed sides to an issue? Might there be a continuum of thought about any given issue? Might the writer or speaker have a high investment in their viewpoint or take on the issue? Do other people have a huge investment in it to the degree that they might be spending money to get that view out there? It's always good to ask who benefits from a particular story being told. Who wins and who loses? Do some fact checking and ask some questions.

We all like to hear things that are compatible with our own dearly held viewpoints. But it's good to at least hear—and try to be open to—other viewpoints as well. Even if you don't change your mind, you might gain some understanding of how the other arrives at her or his conclusion. That's worth something right there. 

This applies to our family and friendship relations as well. If your partner holds a strong viewpoint completely opposite of what you feel, can you see a continuum of thought between the two of you that might allow you to move closer to each other? Can you indeed find common ground? It's a worthy goal. And it's the start of building a more peaceful, thoughtful community and society.

Talk to me! What are you thinking?

What's on your mind these days? What topics are absorbing you? What consumes most of your energy? What discussions do you and your friends have that engage you right now?

I counted up the number of blogs I have written for Way2Grow Coaching since I began posting them in 2012. Before I wrote yesterday's, I had done 1,246 blogs. The topics arise from things coaching clients have brought up, from conversations I've had with friends and acquaintances, from my readings, from current issues in my life, from issues in the news, from past issues I've faced and many other sources. But here's where you come in: I would love to know what topics you would like to see addressed in these blogs. What would be helpful to you? What questions are you asking these days? What's on your mind or in your heart?

You can post your responses in the Comment box below (no one will see your name or email unless you choose to leave your name or email within the message itself). Or you can simply send me an email at sonia@way2growcoaching.com and let me know what's on your mind. Another option is to go to my contact page and send an email from there.

I'd love to hear from you! I'm listening.

Anybody listening?

Listening seems to be a lost art these days. And during this current political season, the ability to listen to one another seems more of a long-distant memory than a possibility. It's so discouraging.

What has happened to our ability—or even to our desire—to hear one another? If someone declares their political party, or their preferred candidate, we think we already know all we need to know about that person. And we quit listening. We've already judged them. And they, us.

And when people are in conversation, those not speaking at the moment are busy formulating their response or thinking about a similar situation that happened to them that they want to share next. But what about listening—and actually hearing what the other person has to say? And even more than that, listening to what's not said? Often, what's not said is as important or even more important than what is said. Reading between the lines is such an art. But these days, so is simply listening to what's said.

Why don't we each commit to improving our listening skills? Perhaps we can practice each day by at least listening attentively to one or two conversations a day. Then we can up it to three or four. And then five or six. And incrementally, we can improve our listening ability. It really is a matter of intention and building up to a habit. It would be so worthwhile to do so. What do you think?

Listen—and learn

Listening seems like an art these days. A fine art at that. So many people seem to be talking so much (might it be to avoid having any quiet?) and doing very little listening. Others are listening—but always with their minds racing ahead to what they'll say as soon as the conversation lags. So when you find a person who listens, and listens deeply, that person is a real treasure.

I love what the Dalai Lama says about listening: "When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new."

At times, no doubt we've all been guilty of talking too much—or of preparing our next comments while simultaneously "listening" to someone else.

I try to remind myself, however, of what a gift we give when we listen to another. Think of how you feel when someone is concentrating intently on what you're saying. Don't you feel hugged, affirmed and loved? Yes, I do, too.

So not only is listening a gift we give others—but in the process, we stand to learn new things. It sounds like win-win to me. 

In praise of listening

Are you a good listener? It's a skill that can be developed—and requires lots of practice to refine. In some ways, it seems to be a lost art today. If you watch any talk shows, you realize more people are talking a lot and doing very little listening. And politicians? Well, we don't even need to go down that road, do we?

Even if we're good listeners, though, one thing we women don't always excel in is listening to our bodies. If you listen to yours, what is it telling you? Does it tell you when it needs rest? When it needs for you to slow down a bit? Does it tell you when you're sending it the wrong type of food? Perhaps too many starches or too much fat? Does it tell you it needs exercise and movement?

And do you listen to your spirit? Are you in need of some time with yourself? Or time with close friends? Do you need renewal of some type, whether a spa day or an inspiring workshop or retreat? Do you need a few talk sessions with your favorite therapist? Or some coaching sessions, perhaps?

Perhaps it's time to raise your awareness and ramp up your listening skills—especially those that involve your own body and spirit. It could make such a difference in your joy quotient!

Do you really listen?

How are your listening skills? Have you ever felt completely heard?  You know, those times when someone else looks right at you, sits forward in her chair, and really listens to your every word, asking questions when appropriate to draw you out further? Yes, we probably all know what that feels like—rare as it may be.

I suspect we're all guilty of doing a lot of "listening on the run." Listening while also thinking about the errands we still have to run and what we're going to fix for dinner, etc. It happens a lot these days in our multitasking society.

I think it's worth practicing deeper listening skills, however. And when I say that, I'm challenging myself, too. When I coach my clients, I truly set aside my own "stuff" and listen deeply. I try to do that in my personal life conversations, too, but I'll confess I'm just as guilty as anyone at "listening on the run." I want to do better, however.

Why? I know that listening well to others creates better bridges to them. I get to know them better. I learn more about life—and likely, even about myself. I make others happy, and we know happiness is contagious and that it spreads. Is there anything that so makes us feel wrapped in love and care as truly being heard? So why not ramp up our listening skills today?

Listen to other voices

Vive la différence!  We often say that, but do we really mean it? Don't we more often tend to seek out those who think like we do, act like we do and live like we do? Don't we often stay far away from those who hold extremely different opinions and world views from us?

It's understandable that we do that. We hang with our own tribe. We avoid a lot of conflict by not hanging out with those unlike us. Don't we?

Do we really? Or does it keep us from growing? Does it keep us stuck in old thought patterns and behaviors? It certainly can.

It seems to me that if we really want to change what's wrong in the world today, if we really want to be peace-seekers and peace-makers, we may want to at least consider the notion of moving toward those who are different from us. We may want to consider listening to voices that don't sound like ours. Voices that are saying different things than we are. Voices with which we aren't always comfortable.

Having said this, I admit to being outside my comfort zone with this idea, too. Yet, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can share peace, how I can let peace live in me and then bring it out into the world. And I don't think it's by staying in my comfort zone—and always hanging with my tribe.

What do you think? Can we really try to celebrate difference? And can we find some common ground with "the other?" I'd love to hear your experience of this.

The trap of advice-giving

Ever notice how much easier it is to give advice to a friend than to examine your own life and see what needs changing or tending?

Your friend or loved one discusses a problem she's having at work or in one of her relationships. What do you do? Do you just listen, give her a hug and assure her of your care and support? Or do you play armchair psychologist and come up with reasons for the problem and ways she could resolve it? I know, it's so tempting to do the latter, isn't it? You want to help, after all.

Think about it, though. When you pour out your hurt to someone, what do you most need? That's right. You need someone to listen. You want a friend to just validate you for feeling the way you do about the situation. If you want and need advice, you'll most likely ask for it. Or you may seek out a coach or a counselor, if that's what you need.

Listening is gift enough
To listen to someone is a true gift. It's enough. You don't have to have the answers to the life problems of others. By listening to them, you affirm their personhood. And often you give them the strength and courage to keep going and to dig down inside for their own answers.

I've heard it said that when we're busy giving advice to others, we're ignoring our own issues and "stuff." That's so true, isn't it? A wise psychotherapist I know says that it's arrogant to think we can fix someone else—she says we each have plenty to do just trying to navigate our own lives on this planet. Yup! I'm taking that to heart these days. Even as a life coach, I was taught to see and have always seen my role not as advice-dispensing but as helping clients access their own wisdom—helping them live their way into their own answers to life questions.

Listen, really listen

Listen. Listen. Listen.

One of the most important gifts you can give to another person is the gift of listening to her. Really stopping what you're doing, letting go of your own "stuff" and listening to him. Deeply. What a gift.

You know when another person has really listened to you. You feel so heard. So validated and affirmed. So loved. To be heard is to be acknowledged in a profound way.

One of my friends used to say, "We listen one another into existence." I've thought about that a lot through the years—and see the truth of it more clearly with each passing year. When I've been heard and understood, I somehow am able to see myself more clearly. I understand what I'm thinking and feeling in a deeper, more complete way. And the choices I make as a result will come from a deeper and more authentic place within me.

It seems such a little thing, really. Listening to another. But, in fact, it isn't a little thing at all. It's a generous gift of time and presence—one of the best gifts of all.

To whom do you need to listen today? Try to stop all the background noise when you listen. Right at that moment, forget about the grocery list, the undone things on your internal to-do list, the driver who just cut you off or the mistake you just made in your checking account. Let go of those things—and just be present. Listen. Be present.

Listen and learn

I know I'm not alone these days in my impatience and frustration with the members of Congress. Can't they just please listen to one another, discuss civilly rather than shouting accusations at each other, and just try to do what's best for the country rather than what's best for their next election bid? The U.S. Congress is just one of the more visible examples of the type of behavior that passes for civil discourse these days. I find it rather exhausting as well as frustrating. As always, though, it makes me look at my own behavior even as I point fingers at the members of Congress!

I'm reading Adam Hamilton's Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White: Thoughts on Religion, Morality, and Politics these days. And in it, Hamilton says that as a pastor and pastoral counselor,  "listening and showing concern are the most important gift I offer." He adds, "I've also found that listening is not only important for the other person, it's important for me." Indeed.

All of that is true no matter what your profession and no matter what the relationship or context for the conversations. Listening is important for you and me as we let others speak, not just for the person doing the talking. You and I can learn so much more by listening, can't we?

So I'm trying to pay attention to how well I listen, to how well I set aside my own judgments so I can truly hear what the other is saying even when I might not agree, and to how open I am to learning from others. Perhaps if members of the U.S. Congress can't be an example to me, they can be a warning!

Sometimes you just can't listen

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, and they began discussing something painful in their life that made you uncomfortable? How did you respond? Did you quickly change the subject? Or did you take a deep breath inside—and determine that you would try stay with them by simply listening and acknowledging their hurt?

It's not easy to do that sometimes. It can happen that the painful thing in someone else's life touches into an old wound you have. Or perhaps you just have so much going on in your own life that you're tapped out and cannot hear about another's pain. Your friend really needs to be heard, and perhaps validated for feeling the way she does. But this is hard for you since you're feeling discomfort or exhaustion.

You get to decide. You have a choice to make. If you think you can set aside your feelings for the moment and listen to your friend, imagine yourself putting your "stuff" in a drawer and closing it. You can come back to it later. Then just open yourself up to his story and his needs.

If you simply cannot go there, at least acknowledge your friend's hurt and need to talk—and then just say you are sorry but you just aren't in a place to be helpful just then. You might even set a time later when you might be able to hear.

Honesty and transparency always is a good thing. The important thing is to be authentic and real about your needs while also acknowledging the needs of the other. That can be validating for you both.

Defense and football

I'm probably part of a tiny minority in the United States, but I have a confession to make: I'm not a football fan. I don't know a lot about the game (despite my sons' best efforts to teach me) and, truth be told, I don't even want to. There, I've said it.

However, as I think more about communication—and I blogged about that last week—I think football can be instructive. One thing I do know about it is that those who play defense in the game try to block any moves forward by the other team.

I don't know about you, but I do plenty of that in my communication with others. And, honestly, it just doesn't work well if you want good relationships. Think about it.

When you have a discussion with your partner or child and a difficult topic comes up, do you find yourself defending your position? Me too. And how does that work out? Not so well, does it? If you do that and the other person does that, what's the likelihood of moving forward and finding any common ground? Right! Zero to none.

Lately I've been trying to drop my defenses and do a better job of listening, really listening to what the other person says—and to the feelings that lie underneath that person's comments. Big surprise. That works so much better, and we get through even the most difficult topics much more easily. It really moves the conversation forward—and thus moves the relationship forward—when you and I quit playing defense.

Remember active listening?

Anyone remember active listening? I recall hearing much about it when I raised my three sons. Parenting books encouraged it. Marriage manuals advised couples to use it. Thankfully, it's still in use today.

It's worth recalling some of the tips to active listening—especially in a day and age when the number of distractions in our lives has escalated to a nearly deadening and frightening level. And let's not even get into the topic of the incivility of talk shows where talking seems to be a competitive sport.

The first thing you have to do is to stop talking. I find it helpful to remember that I have one mouth and two ears; the ratio gives me a clue as to what's important.

It's equally important to signal to the other person that you truly are interested in what she says. Put down your iPhone for a few minutes. Resist the temptation to glance down at the newspaper or book you were reading. Good eye contact, nodding your head, facial expressions—all of these non-verbals are important in flagging to the other person that you want to hear what he says.

Ask questions and find ways to show you empathize (which is different from sympathizing) with the other person. Ask questions for clarity. Play back to your friend, child or partner what you have heard him say to be sure you've understood. Listen to the response to be sure you've correctly interpreted the message she was sending you.

And, though this isn't part of active listening as I originally learned it, I would add one more piece: Resist giving advice. I generally think advice is worth exactly what you pay for it (typically nothing). When someone wants your advice, they'll ask for that. Mostly, people just want to be heard and validated. What a gift that is to give each other.