About those regrets

It's been said that 90 percent of people say they have a major regret about something in their lives—and regret is the second most frequently mentioned emotion after love.

Research shows that the more choices we have, the more regret we have about what we chose. It also shows that we feel the most regret about missed chances: We regret things we didn't do rather than things we did do.

Researchers from Northwestern's Kellogg School of Management found that regrets revolve around romance, family, education, career and finance, in that order. The top two involve relationships. So it makes sense that we want to do all we can to get relationships right.

Use this information to think about the choices you make. Do the things you really want to do—and perhaps some things that aren't in your comfort zone but that you'll look back on with pleasure and pride. And do those things that will make your relationships deeper and stronger. That means tending to such things as compassion and forgiveness. That means asking the question when in an argument with someone, "Would I rather be right—or would I rather be in relationship with this person?"

Think about your choices today, and think about those things you already regret. Let those things inform your decisions going forward. It's never too late to learn from either mistakes or regrets!

Let go of regrets

Do you live with regret for things you've said and done in the past? Has regret become a ball-and-chain for you?

Someone asked that question recently, and a handful of women responded in various ways. I've been thinking about that a lot since then. It's understandable that, as we look back on our lives, we recall some things we said or did with regret, sometimes even with shame. However, unless we use that sense of regret or shame to cull some lessons from those experiences, such emotions can weigh us down and prevent us from really moving forward freely. It can keep us stuck and weighed down. Once we draw the life lessons from such experiences, it's healthier to forgive ourselves, let go and move on.

Forgiveness and letting go are such crucial parts of a healthy life as we age. We don't want to be weighed down by old baggage. We can't change the past. We can only change how we do things going forward. And here's the other thing: All the experiences in our past, both the good and the bad ones, add up to make us who we are today. We would not be who we are and where we are without a variety of life experiences and without making mistakes and learning lessons from them.

And so I invite you to be grateful even for those things you regret—yes, I did say be grateful. For, we hope, you have learned much from those things you regret having said and done. I know I have. I've probably learned more from my mistakes than from any successes I've ever had! Forgive, let go and move on. Ah, feel that serenity settle into your heart.

Change regrets into life lessons

He berates himself frequently, saying, "I should never have made that choice. What a bad decision. What a mess I made of things." While I completely understand that feeling and the whole issue of regret, it's not a good place in which to dwell. I encouraged him to feel the feeling and then let it go. We cannot change the past. All we can do is accept that what's done has been done—and let go of the regret.

What we can change is what we do going forward. We can also change how we view something. A different attitude toward the past doesn't change the past—but it changes us. It means more happiness going forward, and most likely it will help us make more thoughtful and better decisions in the future as well.

So if you're living with regrets, work on your attitude about the past—and mostly, work on the changes you want to make for decision-making and living your life in the future. Learn whatever life lessons you can from past decisions. What do you want to tweak and change? Create a plan for doing so. And stop dwelling on the past. Live today and plan for tomorrow.

Authenticity—can't beat it!

I smiled last week when I read my Mary Engelbreit calendar page for the day: "All I can tell you about fashion and style is this: buy and wear what makes you happy," a quote by John Jannuzzi.

I smiled because more and more, that's my philosophy on more than just fashion. More often now, I want to do what's authentic for me—what's right for me. That pertains to what I wear, what I do, what I say, what I feel.

We spend a lot of years worrying about what others will think—sometimes twisting ourselves into pretzels to fit another person's idea of what we should be, how we should look, what we should do. How has that worked out for us?

Surveys show that one of the biggest regrets for people when they're dying is that they didn't live a life true to themselves. They lived a life shaped by the desires and opinions of others.

Take a look at your life today. Are you doing what is authentic for you? If so, savor it. Soak up the happiness it brings you—and that, no doubt, you're reflecting out to others as well. If not, think about what changes you may need to make so your life is truly your own.

There's nothing like authenticity

One of the biggest regrets people have when they reach life's end, it's been reported, is that they ended up doing what others wanted them to do or being what someone else wanted. How sad is that—to reach the end of your life and realize that you were so busy trying to be something you weren't when instead you should have tried to be everything you were!

It's never too late to take a turn in your path if you feel that you've been listening to voices other than your own. Do you feel authentic in what you do and say? Or are your words and actions designed to appease others—or follow a path set for you by someone else?

It can happen easily enough when we're young and in our formative years. Sometimes parents didn't get to do what they wanted and can (sometimes even unintentionally) guide their children onto a path that lives out the parent's dream. Sometimes it's not parents, it's necessity. You didn't get to pursue that college education because you had to get out and earn money for the family. Or the field in which you were interested was not open to you when you finished school. There are many reasons for taking a path that didn't coincide with your passions and dreams.

Sometimes it's more our words and actions than it is our career choice. We may want so much to be liked that we act in ways that aren't true to our nature.

It's always a good time to ask: Am I being true to myself? Does my life feel authentic? Will I die with as few regrets as possible? What do I need to do now to change any of that?