Dreams & fears

This is the month for graduations. I have one grandson graduating from college next week and one granddaughter graduating from high school next week, too. Both of them are filled with dreams of what their future might contain. Understandably, it's an extremely exciting time for them both—and for all graduates. Frightening, too, no doubt, as they face unknown futures.

That doesn't really change as we age, does it? We still have dreams. We carry excitement about things that lie ahead of us. We also face fears about what the future might bring.

Do you have dreams that are waiting for you to put some legs on them? Go ahead—reach out and grab hold of them. Make them happen.

Do you also feel fearful about what the future could bring? Perhaps questions about finances or about potential illnesses or decline? Don't be afraid of those questions. Face them head-on, do what you can to alleviate the concerns and then try to let go of the outcome if there's nothing more you can do.

Remember the saying, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

About those dreams...

Have you ever lost a dream? Perhaps you lived it for a while and then it slipped away. Or maybe it never came to fruition at all.

Yes, I've surely had that happen, too. That is why when I read the words of Wendell Berry last week, they stopped me in my tracks. I'm still reflecting on them. Here's what he said:

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work; and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey."

Might it be that sometimes we are so focused on a dream and what we think is our real purpose that we lose sight of the bigger picture? That we see a dream as an end point rather than as a state of being?

Years ago I heard that we don't keep dreams alive; dreams keep us alive. So perhaps it's the act of dreaming itself that's important.

What do you think?

To retire or not retire, that's the question

I have friends who are retired, and I have friends who aren't retired. I have friends still in their careers who are anxiously awaiting the time they can retire. And I have some friends who really dread thinking of retirement.  Such a variety of feelings about retirement!

There's a lot about which to think when it comes to retirement. Some people get to plan when they'll retire and what they want to do. Others of us have retirement forced upon us for a number of reasons. Either way, it's good to think ahead and dream a bit about what it might look like if you're not yet there. And if you're already there, you may want to stop and evaluate what you are doing. See whether what you're doing works anymore. If not, what would you like to change up?

Give yourself the mental and emotional space to consider new ways of being. Try new things. Let yourself dream about how you really want to spend your time. Try to let go of some of life's "shoulds" too. Have some fun with it, whether you're there already or just thinking about it.

Holding up half the sky

No matter what you may think of any of the candidates running for U.S. president this year, I hope you agree with me that it is significant that a woman is one of the major party candidates. It's a first. I think of the fact that when my beloved mother was born in 1911, women didn't even have the right to vote. And several women suffered greatly so we could, finally, attain that right. I think of the fact that some other countries of the world already have had a female leader, and we haven't. I think about the fact that none of us is free until all are free—and that in many parts of the world, girls cannot receive an education and they aren't free. In many places around the globe, girls are viewed as property and have no rights or voice. They are trafficked all around the globe, including right here in our own country. I think of the ancient Chinese proverb, "Women hold up half the sky" and its image of women fully bringing their gifts to the task just as do men.

Some days I just don't know what to make of all this. I rejoice in the victories women and girls attain. I celebrate with my five granddaughters that they're able to imagine and dream things I couldn't—and that my mother never dreamed possible. And yet I still carry the scars of women saying behind my back, "Who does she think she is?" as I tried to move from a magazine managing editor into the editor position. And I cringe when today I hear hateful comments such as, "Trump the _itch!" We've come far. And we have so, so far to go.

Where do we go with all of these extremes? How do we reach a point where all the world's girls and women receive education, respect and every opportunity afforded the other half of the world's population? What will it take? How might we ensure this? I am so passionate about the importance of this. I would dearly love to hear your ideas in the Comment Box below. Or if not there, send your ideas to me at: sonia@waytogrowcoaching.com.

No gender limits

Whether you're a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or simply a friend of young children, you have an opportunity to help them follow their dreams. You can be an encourager of children and their dreams, and you can help them to understand that gender does not have to limit their dreams or expectations. Encourage them to be whatever they want to be when they grow up.

An experiment in the United Kingdom asked children in a classroom to draw pictures of people at work in specific occupations: One was a firefighter. One was a surgeon. And one was a fighter pilot. Not surprisingly, of the 66 children's drawings, 61 of them showed pictures of males in each of those jobs. Only 5 of the pictures were of women in those jobs.

Then to the surprise of the children, the teacher welcomed into the classroom three people who did such jobs. Each of the workers was a woman. The children were then encouraged to ask questions and try on the helmets, stethoscope, etc., of the female workers. This was meant to help shatter the stereotypes and encourage the children.

Researchers say that gender stereotypes set in by the time children are ages 5 to 7. So it's not too early to help children understand that they can pursue their dreams, no matter what they wish to be. It's important to not limit their views and their aspirations. Find a child to encourage today!

Trust yourself—take a leap

Are you at a point of decision for your career? Or perhaps for your retirement vocation? Does a dream keep recurring and calling you to action? Or is there some other decision that's leaving you uncertain?

It can be frustrating to be in that state of discernment and ambiguity. However, it's also a fruitful place to be ... if you can simply lean into it and accept that you don't really know at the moment which is the right path for you.

If a particular career or job keeps coming back to you, perhaps through several different people and different channels, it's wise to pay attention. Perhaps that really is the direction you should go. Keep a tally of the signals you've received about whatever issue faces you. Sometimes signals come through dreams, sometimes from a friend; and other times it might be from a book you're reading. Be open and attentive.

And sometimes, you don't seem to see many signals at all. In his book Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, Gregg Levoy acknowledges the discomfort of uncertainty but adds: "...not knowing also has its own power. There is the power in trusting ourselves, relying on our intuitions, being able to act even in the face of uncertainty, rather than drone on for sometimes years with yes-no-yes-no-yes-no-yes-no, the very onomatopoeia of indecision. It can be more heroic to be willing to act in the absence of certainty than to refuse to act without absolute certainty."

Trust yourself. Listen to your intuition. If there are dots, connect them. If not, take a leap. If you end up thinking you made a mistake, learn its lessons and move on.

Keep dreaming

Don't ever think you're too old to dream. Long ago I heard that we don't keep dreams alive—dreams keep us alive. Until we breathe our last, we will want to have some dream to give us hope, something to work toward.

I just coached a woman in her 80s who said she'd pretty much done it all. But she's looking for some changes, something new in her life to get her jazzed again. How inspiring is that?

As Sister Joan Chittister says in her book The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully, "To stay alive, fully alive, then, we must open ourselves to life's eternal dream. We must dream to be better people tomorrow than we were today. ...we must be willing to rethink all the ideas that have kept us bound until this moment."

Further, she says that "the dreams that determine the ultimate quality of our lives never die, are never too late to be grasped. It is the ability of humans to change their minds, to begin again, to start over, to be someone else."

We can continue changing, evolving—right to the end. That's the good news.

What dreams are keeping you going right now?

Reassessing dreams

Are you facing transitions in your life? Career change? Retirement options shifting? Are you wanting something more than what you have now? Something different to spice things up?

Change can be good. It can refuel us again. It's not at all unusual for people between the ages of 40 and 70 to question the meaning of their lives and think about success and happiness. It's always good to stop and reassess achievements and dreams, to reevaluate and reflect. Have you reached your goals? Do you have new goals and dreams? Do you feel fulfilled? What's next for you?

These are big questions to face on your own. AARP has a fascinating website devoted to helping people think about new possibilities and preparing for changes—it's called Life Reimagined. 

If you want some coaching help as you work through these questions, I'm always happy to help, too. I invite you to contact me if you would like a complimentary strategy session.

Happy dreaming and reimagining!

Savor it all

Recently I heard someone talk about an experience to which they'd looked forward for a long time. And now the experience was history already. And that person felt sad about it being over.

Anticipation is at least half the fun, isn't it? And all too soon, what we anticipated is over and done. It's common to feel some sadness about that. One of the lessons in that for me is to really savor that time of anticipation. Enjoy every minute of the dreaming and the planning.

In fact, enjoy every minute of the experience, too. And then savor the memories afterward. It's all great.

This brings to mind a quote from Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."

Sounds like good advice to me.

Dream big; embrace failure

American dogsled driver and explorer Norman Vaughn once said, "The only death you die is the one you die daily by not living. Dream big and dare to fail."

Read that again. Those words have huge impact. Are you dreaming big? Are you open to failure, seeing it as an opportunity to learn? Have you dreamed big? Have you experienced failure? What did you learn from it? What difference did that make in your life? What dreams do you have now?

It's so easy to "live small." To shut down our big dreams. To believe we really couldn't do what it is we'd dreamt of doing. To think we're not enough. To not believe in ourselves.

Yet how many times have we read or heard of people who overcame fears and doubts, perhaps even  failing several times, before succeeding in their plan? We have only to think of Thomas Edison, who tried and failed many, many times before his light bulb success. I have read that he and his team tested more than 3,000 designs before succeeding. He didn't see each of those attempts as failure but as learning ways that didn't work on his way to finding what would work.

Even without such big dreams as that, it's important to not be among the "walking dead"—those who are alive but mostly sleepwalk through life, not being aware of all the possibilities and blessings all around. Wake up. Dream big. Embrace failure.

Dreams & plans

Have you ever thought of the difference between dreams and dreaming or between plans and planning? At first glance, you might think they're the same.

Think about it, however. The process of dreaming means you live in hope. You're creating dreams that give purpose and meaning to your life. The dream itself, though, can become so hard and rigid as to cause great pain and disappointment if it doesn't work out exactly as you'd hoped. It's all in the expectations surrounding that dream. It's good to have dreams. It is also good to make them flexible enough that they can be reshaped. Dreams often have a way of shifting and taking new shapes. And rigid expectations can hook us and derail us.

It's the same with plans. It's a good thing to engage in planning, whether that's in your personal or professional life. But to have such a firm and rigid plan that you don't allow for life to happen can set you up for a fall. We need to allow for Plan B, C or D—sometimes even Z!

Do you see the difference? Engage the process but don't let yourself get hooked by rigid expectations. Let the process be the important thing. Stay open to surprise.

Dreams and longings

I like the question, If not now, when? It fits for so many situations. When clients face turmoil over career changes and talk about their yearnings and the desire to follow their dreams and their passions, I often ask that. When women talk about longing for some "me-time" and some self-care time and in the same breath, cite their long to-do lists, I often ask it.

When I come up with excuses to not do something I really need or want to do, I ask myself that question.

We don't know whether we'll even have a tomorrow. All we really know for sure is that we have this very moment. Because of that, it just makes sense to make the very best use of this present moment that we can. Insofar as it's possible for you, allow yourself to listen to and follow your dreams, longings, desires, yearnings.

What's missing from your life? What is on your bucket list or thimble list that you really, really want to do? What's preventing you?

Think about what it might mean to you if you had that thing on your list. Think about what it would mean if you never got the chance. Now how much do you want it? Go ahead. If not now, when?

Your younger self & your aging self

Do you sometimes wish that when you were much younger, you would have known the things you know today? Yup, me, too.

We can't go back, of course, nor would we really want to do so. At least, I wouldn't. But it can be helpful to reflect on what your younger self was like. How was she different from who you are now? If you could talk with her now, what would you say to her? If she could talk with you now, what do you imagine she would say to you?

What fears did your younger self have? Do those still hold you back? What dreams did she have? Were they realized? Might they still be?

And what talents did she possess then that you have used through the years? Which ones remain unused even now? Is there a way you can still tap into those gifts and talents at this stage of your life? How will your reflections on your younger self shape who you might still become? Know that it's not too late to grow and make changes. Unless we actively resist growth and transformation, we typically continue to evolve and change as we age. That being so—and knowing what we now know—we can still tap into unrealized dreams and use talents that have been dormant all these years. Go ahead, see what you yet want to be and do!

Mindfulness, meditation & stillness

So much is said and written these days about mindfulness and meditation—how it can reduce our stress and open us up to greater creativity. Such a variety of practices exist for both these things, so it's wise to find whatever works for you.

Some mindfulness practices are physical. Some are not. And meditation practices differ. Some encourage you to simply concentrate on your (deep) breathing and keep your mind blank and free from thoughts. I don't know about you, but I've never been able to totally keep my mind free from thoughts. Attention to breathing and repeating a phrase, or mantra, reduces the activity of my brain for a time. But that's the best I can do.

So when I read this in Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection, I resonated: "Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it's about creating a clearing. It's opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question."

She goes on to say: "Once we can let go of our assumptions about what stillness is supposed to look like and find a way to create a clearing that works for us, we stand a better chance of opening ourselves up...."

If you're able to go completely still (inside and out), more power to you. Keep it up. But if you're not, perhaps Brown's way of "creating a clearing" may work better for you. I can envision my mind like a room full of clutter—and begin to clear out some of the stuff to make room for dreams and questions. That works for me. How about you?

Progress is a process

I just saw a wonderful cartoon on Facebook. It showed a series of eight steps with a little cartoon figure going up each step.

On the first step, the little person was actually sitting down, saying, "I won't do it." And ditto on the second step—sitting down, but this time saying, "I can't do it."

Progress occurs by the third step! The little person is standing up, saying, "I want to do it." By the fourth step, the figure is still standing there, now asking, "How do I do it?"

OK, now we're getting somewhere. So on step no. 5, the figure begins to climb and says, "I'll try to do it." And by the sixth step, the little figure says, "I can do it." So now we're up to step no. 7 where the figure is taking a big step, saying, "I will do it." And finally at the eighth step (the top), the little person is jumping up with a heel click and saying, "Yes, I did it!"

The question at the bottom of the cartoon is: "Which step have you reached today?" It's such a great visual to show the different steps and attitudes when we want to move ahead on something—and I'm sure each of us can resonate with each step, having spent some time on each of them. I would hope you also know the wonderful feeling of getting to that top one and celebrating with "Yes, I did it!" Doesn't that feel great?

What's facing you today? A project? A dream waiting to be reached? A fear to be faced? And which step are you on? Are you ready to take that next step? Come on, you can do it. You will do it. Soon you can say, "Yes, I did it!"

Open to the new

I just learned of yet another former colleague who lost her job. This may even be the third time for her. There's a lot of that going on these days, isn't there?

Perhaps you've been through that. I have. It's pretty devastating when it happens, especially if you had absolutely no idea it was coming. However, often there are opportunities embedded in this crisis, too.

Once they've experienced the grief and fear of job loss, many people—perhaps most—say that reinventing oneself is really an amazing opportunity. You learn a lot about yourself, for one thing. And you have a chance to think about what other talents and gifts you may have that weren't getting used before. You may have something you've long wanted to try. Or you may not—but even so, may fall into a job that really suits you even better. Often, people say that the new is so much better than what they had before but they would never have imagined that at the time.

What I learned through my experience was to just be open—open to letting go of the old, open to trying new things, open to replacing old dreams with new ones, open to the adventure of it all. I don't mean to diminish the financial fears that often accompany such an experience; I certainly faced that myself. But when I was in my former job, I would not have imagined the wonderful life I now have. I hope that will be true for you if you're experiencing job loss right now.

The 'unretirement years'

Retirement is looking mighty different these days. So much has changed in the last few decades. Not only are we living longer so we have more years to be retired, but retirement savings and pension plans aren't what they seemed to be.

We can either decry the situation and grumble about how unfair life is. Or we can look at these changes to see the adventure and possibilities embedded in them. Yes, I'm fully aware that this depends completely on our health and well-being. For those who struggle with poor health, engaging in a new career isn't possible. And dealing with illness and fewer financial resources can be scary, there's no doubt about it.

But if you don't face health issues, retirement years could be a time to take on new dreams and challenges. It's a time to look at your bucket list or those dreams you kept in your pocket for decades while you worked at the job or career that simply paid the bills. What had you always wanted to do and never could? Can you do that now? Are there parts of it that could take expression now in your retirement years? What do you love doing that could be turned into a part-time (or full-time) encore career?

There are many resources and groups out there these days, too. Simply Google "second or third careers" or "encore career" and see all the resources that pop up. Many are calling these the "Unretirement years." So many options exist—and who knows, perhaps there's something calling your name that no one else has even thought to try yet. This is a time for exploration—a time to brainstorm all the possibilities. Go ahead—have some fun with it! And if you haven't yet retired but look forward to it, you can start dreaming now.

Straight to the center

One of my favorite inspirational authors, Jan Richardson, wrote: "You have looked at so many doors with longing, wondering if your life lay on the other side. For today, choose the door that opens to the inside. Travel the most ancient way of all: the path that leads you to the center of your life. No map but the one you make yourself."

That quote hardly needs an explanation, it seems to me. Especially as we get to the second half of life, these words are so vital: "...choose the door that opens to the inside." For there's really no more important journey than the one that takes us deep into the center of our life, is there? The path that leads straight in to our Source, to our inner navigational system, to the place where we are most truly who we were meant to be—without our costumes, without our masks.

And the map to get there is one we make ourselves. Advice from someone else won't help. The map of another won't help. You and you alone know how to get there and know what to do with what you find there. The choices are yours. Follow the goals and dreams that are in alignment with who you were created to be. Your choices need to be authentic to you.

Go straight to your center—find there the answer to your life question, "Who am I?" Make your own map. You know the way.

Take the long view

Yesterday I saw a wonderful impersonator enact Mary Cassatt's journey from Pennsylvania to Paris as she pursued her dream of becoming a professional artist. Even the male artists who became Cassatt's friends and compatriots in Paris (Monet, Manet, Renoir, Degas and others) could hardly make a living. A woman surely couldn't, and she had a difficult time just being accepted as a professional.

Today, however, we know about her wonderful paintings and consider her one of the greats. We also consider her Paris friends, the Impressionists, some of the premier artists—and yet they could barely feed themselves and their families unless they had wealthy families. Cassatt never married, and she came from a wealthy family; so that problem was one she didn't have. But many of the others did. She did have all the gender barriers other women faced in her time (she died in 1926 just after women got the right to vote in the U.S., something for which she spoke out).

Doesn't it give us a perspective to think that in their time, these artists could barely get their works into the salons of the day? Now those same works go for thousands and thousands of dollars. It's also a reminder that there often exist barriers of one kind or another when we pursue dreams. We also can remember to take a long view on some of the things about which we worry. Some things simply don't change overnight. Time often makes a difference.

Reading history or even historical fiction, seeing impersonations or watching period movies and TV shows—these can all serve as reminders of some of life's basic questions and lessons. It's good to remember this as we pursue our own dreams. Let's keep a long view.

11 great tips for life

I wish I remembered where I saw this recently. It was a list of truths or advice from seniors to younger people. And I wrote down some of the ideas but, sadly, not the source. Anyway, here's some of what the more mature folks told the younger ones:

• Follow your dreams.
• Let go of what others want you to do; do what you want.
• Be true.
• Be yourself.
• Be honest.
• You are unique; never before has there been a person with your unique look and qualities—and never again will there be.
• Some days it rains; other days the sun shines.
• Keep boring people away.
• Care for others.
• Enjoy yourself.
• Slow down; there's more to life than picking up speed.

There's so much in this list. One could spend a long time discussing each item. And you don't have to be young to need to hear these tips. I'm taking them to heart. What about you? Anything here that speaks to you?