Try some quiet & cozy time

Have you ever heard of the Danish/Norwegian term "hygge"? Pronounced "hue-gah," it's a concept that can't be directly translated into English but embraces such things as feelings of cozy contentment and well-being through simplicity. Reading a book on a rainy day. A cup of hot cocoa or a coffee latte on a snowy day. Nights in front of the fireplace listening to music or reading a book. Think simple. Think serenity.

You may have noticed through the years that Denmark always is at the top of the list of "happiest countries," and this may well be the reason for that. The word itself is derived from a Norwegian word that means "well-being."

The concept is beginning to trend in other places around the world. Perhaps we Americans, who seem to glorify the word "busy," might benefit from some hygge in our lives?!

One of my YaYa friends introduced the concept to us recently and invited us to reflect on it, and sometime in the new year we'll discuss what we think about it and how we're embracing the idea in our lives. Since I've been feeling completely stressed and on the edge for a while now, I decided already a couple nights ago to start. I decorated my Christmas tree and then spent the evening just quietly looking at the lights, listening to some of my favorite Christmas carols while sipping a glass of Bailey's Irish Cream. It was just perfect, and I slept better that night than I have for a while!

I invite you, in this crazy-busy season, to add a little hygge to your life too. Perhaps you'll want to build it in permanently. That's what I'm hoping to do!

How does your garden grow?

During a conversation with a dear friend the other day, she mentioned that pulling weeds was on her to-do list. Somehow her comment made me think of the weeds in our lives. And that thought led me back to our pastor's sermon last Sunday when he urged us to start each day in thankfulness and gratitude for all our blessings.

Just a few years ago, I kept a Gratitude Journal in which I recorded at least four to six items each morning for which I was grateful. Sometimes I filled most of the journal page. Other times, I might have had only four items. But the net effect always was positive. When my day began by focusing on the gifts I have in my life—and feeling grateful for them—I was far more focused on seeing the blessings than the negatives or the weeds. I was happier and more content. It wasn't so easy to look at the negatives and get dragged down by all that's wrong with the world! It was easier to be forgiving and loving. I could overlook the foibles of others more easily.

For some reason, I got away from using that journal, though. But thanks to our pastor's encouragement, I'm reviving the practice.

And that brings me back to the weeds. Whatever in our lives crowds out the blessings and the good things, might those not be considered weeds? In a flower garden, it matters not if a weed also has flowers—if it crowds out and kills the flowers you planted there, you consider it a weed and pull it out, right? So what about the weeds in your life? What things are crowding out the good in your life? What thoughts or events are pulling you away from the positive and kind things you want to be doing? It's far too easy to latch on to the "shiny thing on the path," often the worst news of the day, and see the glass half empty or the world going to hell in a hand basket. However, if we keep the weeds under control and notice all the beautiful flowers in life's garden, how much happier we will be. How much easier it will be to be kind, loving and forgiving to those whose paths cross ours in any given day.

Be attentive to removing the weeds in your beautiful garden of life. Start—and end—your days in gratitude and notice all the beautiful bouquets of blessings that are there instead.

Authenticity & happiness

As we age, it seems that authenticity becomes more important than ever. We want to shed masks, roles, ideas and beliefs that no longer fit for us. We don't care as much about what other people think. We simply want to enjoy life and be who we really were meant to be. ...and perhaps not conform quite so much!

This can mean doing things we were too reserved to do before. Perhaps we felt restricted by needing to provide guidelines for our children. Or it may have been because of a job or our position in the community. It's not that we completely throw caution to the wind—but it simply isn't quite so important anymore if our neighbors (or even complete strangers) think we're odd for doing what we do!

Because of this, I really loved what I read about comedian, actress, writer, producer and fashion designer Melissa McCarthy (remember her from "Saturday Night Live" and her Sean Spicer parodies?) in a spring issue of AARP The Magazine.

In the article, McCarthy is quoted as saying, "I've never minded getting older. ... The older you are, the more interesting you are as a character. ... You become more you." She goes on to answer the question of what kind of woman she'd like to be when she's her mom's age: "I hope a crazy one. I always say, 'Once I hit 70, it's going to be all caftans and turbans and big wacky glasses.' I'm more than halfway there. I see these years ahead as a time to say, 'What does it matter? You want to wear daisy prints? Who cares!' Getting older means knowing yourself, and if you know yourself, express it. That ripples out. It makes the world a happier place. When you're in line for coffee and the older lady in front of you has a daisy-print blouse and a smile on her face and something to say about the world, you feel the magic of it."

Yes! I love it. You don't have to wear a daisy print, a caftan or a turban. Just be yourself—and don't be afraid to be different from the crowd. Be happy. It'll be catchy ... and make the world a happier place. At the least, you'll be happy!

Does discomfort lead to truth?

Recently I read a quote that really has me thinking. I haven't decided whether I fully agree with it or not. Let's see what you think.

This comes from M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of The Road Less Traveled: "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

I agree that ruts can be deadly and can, in fact, turn into dead-ends. I'm still unsure whether my finest moments are to be found in my discomfort or unhappiness. Perhaps I need to journal with this thought and see what comes up.

It's an intriguing thought and definitely caught my eye.

What do you think? Does this reflect your experience?

Souls that blossom

French novelist, critic and essayist Marcel Proust once said, "Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

Yes, indeed. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Proust is reported to have been a frail and nervous child whose first asthma attack at age 9 nearly killed him. So no doubt, his words took on deep meaning for him. Such an experience would make a lasting impact, I'm sure.

It's a reminder to you and to me to surround ourselves with people who are caring, compassionate and joyful people who help "make our souls blossom." We all have some people in our lives who bring us down and definitely don't make us happy. Sometimes we can walk away from them, and other times they're in our lives to stay. Then we need to try limit our time with them. At the least, we need to make huge efforts to stay positive in the face of their negativity. It's also a reminder to us to be "charming gardeners" ourselves!

Remember to say thanks to all those who make your soul blossom!

Add laughter to your day

In an article on health for people in their 70s and beyond, AARP The Magazine included a segment on the value of laughter in which it said:

"Whether you giggle politely or guffaw till your face hurts, don't miss out on a daily chuckle. Laughing can give your immune system a temporary boost, east pain, relax arteries and offer your torso a mini-workout. In a study of people in their late 60s and early 70s, memory improved and stress levels dropped for those who watched 20 minutes of the TV show America's Funniest Home Videos."

The article recommended trying laughter yoga. Never heard of it? Google it and see what comes up. It's a practice that has spread across the globe. Perhaps you can even find a laughter club near you. If not, there surely are YouTube videos so you can do this at home or with a friend. Doing it with others has the greatest benefit, but doing it at home is better than no laughter! 

Watch comedy shows on TV—or catch a funny movie either at the theater or on Netflix or cable TV.

So if laughter is good at that stage of life, why wouldn't it also be good at any age? Do whatever you can to add laughter into your day—and into your life on a regular basis. You'll feel healthier and happier.

See that glass half-full—or perhaps full!

On Wednesday we talked about the difference gratitude can make in our lives. I don't know about you, but I seem to need frequent reminders of this. It's so easy to slip into seeing the glass half-empty, especially if you're a consumer of the daily news!

I've noticed something about myself, however, and I wonder if you find it true as well. When I let a negative attitude prevail and see the glass half-empty, I find that discouragement dogs my heels. It's way too easy to spiral down until I find myself grumbling about everything. And it's difficult to be creative and find solutions to daily problems. My focus then becomes all things negative, and I don't even see the beauty and goodness around me.

However, when I focus on the good things going on around me and see the glass half-full, opportunities abound. I see solutions more quickly. I feel creative. I access my ability for wonder and awe. And I'm far happier besides. Gratitude is my natural response at those times.

When we are in grateful mode, others want to be around us. We even like being with ourselves then! The happiness ripples just keep extending out further and further. Imagine the impact on the world around us.

Let this be your reminder today. It'll serve as mine, too!

Pain and joy connect

We get a lot of societal messages these days telling us we have a right to a happy and perfect life. Ads show happy, clappy people. And even when we're grieving a loss, many folks around us encourage us to get over it. Perhaps it makes them more comfortable to see us happy. In any case, there's a lot of pressure to "don't worry, be happy" these days.

But how realistic is that? Every one of us faces challenges, pain and loss. Facing them and working through them takes time. And it should take time, for there are ever so many lessons to be learned from each of those things. As singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen said in his song "Anthem," everything is cracked and that's how the light gets in.

We don't need to take the opposite approach and glorify pain and suffering. But we need to allow both pain and joy into our lives. I like what inspirational author Mark Nepo says about this in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What Is Sacred. He speaks of letting in beauty and listening to loss. He reminds us that pain and loss open us up. Further, he says: "This lifelong conversation with love, wonder, and truth in counterpoint with pain, loss, and obstacles is how we dilate and constrict our way into the essence of our aliveness."

I love that: a lifelong conversation between the two. Yes! Think of the width and breadth of such a conversation and how our hearts would expand.

Let the crabbiness roll off

Have you ever let someone else's bad day rub off on you? Has their unhappiness wormed its way into your heart?

Yes, it can happen, can't it? Whether it's someone you love and perhaps even share a home with or it's a coworker or someone in a retail establishment, if we aren't aware and awake, we can be taken down a rabbit hole just like that.

If someone sprays their anger or bad day all over, don't let it soak into you. You do not need to carry their negative energy around.

As Melody Beattie writes in her daily meditation book Journey to the Heart, "If someone splashes your windshield with mud while you're driving down the road, what do you do? You wash it off and go on your way. ... Crabby thoughts and crabby emotions can be like mud. If someone splashes you, wash off your windshield, send them a blessing, and go on down the road."

What a great image! Yes, wash it off, bless them and go on your way. Let the crabbiness roll right off. You have a choice. Choose to stay happy.

Let's inspire each other

In this divisive and stress-filled world of ours, it's pure joy to see acts of happiness and kindness, especially when they're spontaneous and totally unexpected.

Recently I came across something called "sofa concerts" where a sofa was placed in the middle of a public space with the invitation to sit and be comfortable. Suddenly a concert sprang up around those who sat in the sofa and all the bystanders who watched. Soon, everyone joined in the joy and the spontaneity. Wow, I dare you to watch this without being moved. And, I daresay, inspired!

Hmmm, what can you do to add some joy and an element of surprise to life today? What can I do?

And while we're at it, let's be sure to keep our eyes and ears open for things going on around us lest we miss some beautiful moments such as this.

The art of savoring

Did you know that savoring is linked to optimism, self-esteem, life satisfaction and happiness? Research shows that people who savor report greater well-being.

So what is savoring? It's paying attention—being mindful and spending time thinking about the positive experiences from past, present and future. Lingering in our minds on the good stuff. It extends the "shelf-life" of our happy and positive experiences.

Right now I'm savoring all the precious and fun times I had with my youngest son and my youngest grandchildren when I visited them last week. This means the good times I enjoyed when I was there will last even longer. I let my thoughts linger on those experiences. That doesn't mean I'm living in the past. I'm still present to what's happening in and around me right now. But I grab a memory or two from those days in Oregon and savor them before returning to the present again.

Why not make a conscious choice to do more savoring? Give thanks for what's good in your life. Pull up some good memories and relish them a while. Take a mental picture of good things that happen so you can savor them later. Share the experiences with others—that adds an extra sparkle to your savoring. Pay attention to all your senses. That boosts your ability to savor.

Let the good times roll. And linger on them from time to time to add to your happiness and life satisfaction.

Older is happier? Really?

Happiness is about engagement and meaning and progressing toward your goals, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside. She is author of a best-seller, The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, a book of strategies backed by scientific research.

Lyubomirsky also addresses the issue of whether money will make us happy. She says research suggests that it's not about having money—it's about how we spend it. If we spend it helping others, interacting in relationships or in learning new things, that can make us happy.

Interestingly, the professor and author also says that people tend to get happier as they age, perhaps because older people are emotionally wiser and know what makes them happy. Many mature people know it's not about things but about relationships.

If you want to increase your level of happiness, she reminds us that it's highly dependent upon attitude. So let's take a check of our attitudes and see whether some adjustment is needed.

Does happy mean thin?

Yesterday we talked about improving mood and increasing our happiness quotient. Today, let's explore what weight has to do with happiness. If you're like most women, weight is something you think about often.

Although it's true that 69 percent of Americans are shown by studies to be overweight or obese—and 33 percent of Americans are trying to lose weight—studies also show that weight loss doesn't necessarily make people any happier. That said, for those who lose large amounts of weight and are then able to participate more fully in life, those study results may not apply. Who doesn't want to be active with their young children, for example? If it improves quality of life by a large degree, weight loss may well increase happiness. But it's not a guarantee for everyone.

Studies do show that people who lose 5 percent of their body weight over four years were more likely to report a depressed mood than those who stayed within 5 percent of their original weight. That's surprising, isn't it? We always seem to think we'll be happy once we take off a few pounds.

For me, what many of these study results say is that perhaps in the end, moderation is the best route. Eat in a healthy way, exercise as best you can and monitor all your health issues. Happiness isn't necessarily found at a certain weight—or at a particular level of workout activity each day. We each need to find that place where we feel good and avoid that place where we become obsessive about either eating or exercise. Let's not peg our happiness to weight loss. It's much more complicated than that.

I'd love to hear your reaction to these studies. What's been your experience?

Up your happiness quotient

Do you sometimes find yourself feeling down even when there's nothing specific that looms as a cause? It's not at all uncommon. Interestingly, studies show that people who make "happy movements" actually feel happier. Jump up and down. Throw your firsts into the air. Smile and use positive facial expressions. Swing your arms. Put a spring in your step. I know it may sound fake and silly—but studies do show that it can improve mood.

Of course, we know that laughter is good for us. It increases immune activity and decreases stress hormones. It enhances mood. It raises good cholesterol levels (HDL). It lowers blood pressure and lowers bad cholesterol (LDL). So watching a comedy show or funny YouTube video might be just what the doctor ordered.

Exercise is good for reducing stress and overcoming feelings of sadness, too. Walk. Bike. Swim. Do some cardio or aerobic exercises. Practice some yoga moves. Whatever you're able to do or whatever floats your boat.

Walking in nature can lift spirits, too. I've mentioned before the practice of "forest bathing" (contemplative walks in the woods) that began in Japan. In fact, the Japanese government recognized that in 1982 as a way to improve quality of life. It's been shown to decrease feelings of stress, anxiety and anger. Who couldn't use that these days?

'Practice contentment'

To practice contentment these days can feel like a real uphill battle. Marketers and advertisers urge us to want—and to buy—more and more and more. And does that really lead us to happiness? Of course not.

I like what the Dalai Lama says about this: "When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh, yes—I already have everything that I really need.'"

What would it look like for you to "practice contentment"? How much is enough for you?

It's an individual choice. I don't get to tell you how much is enough. You don't get to tell me. But it's definitely worth asking ourselves those questions—and then making choices about how much is enough.

Beyond survival

I've heard it said that what it takes us to survive is far different from what it takes to live a healthy and happy life.

Mind you, survival is not to be taken lightly. It's a huge accomplishment. Life can contain so many hurtful and life-altering circumstances. It can take everything we have to survive some of them. But once we have survived the difficult or painful thing, we need to refocus our life to see what's needed to live in a truly life-giving and healthy way.

Do you see a difference? For example, if you've faced cancer and had to endure surgeries, radiation and/or chemotherapy, you've no doubt had to pull away from all your commitments and perhaps even some of your friendships in order to conserve your energy. You're pouring all your energy into healing.

Once you have healed and come out on the other side, you may be more selective about those activities and friendships you re-engage; but you will definitely not want to isolate. You will need the support and love of friendship groups. You needed them during your survival time, but I'm guessing you didn't have as much energy to give to them then. Now you can refocus and re-engage in a new way. The choices are yours.

Kindness is contagious

A random act of kindness goes a long way, doesn't it? And it's so contagious!

Recently I was at the grocery store. My cart was quite full, so I stuck a couple of the larger items on the shelf underneath the cart. When I got out to my car, a woman came up behind me and asked whether I'd had a package of Kleenex boxes. She said she saw a package beside the door going out of the store and thought it might be mine. Then she offered to stay by my full cart and my car while I ran back to retrieve the tissues. In no time, I was back at my car with all the boxes of tissue where this woman had been waiting in the cold to guard my cart.

I thanked her profusely and told her that I would pay it forward to someone else, which I have done more than once. I was so grateful to her. I would not have been happy had I arrived home with no Kleenex even though I'd paid for it. As it was, I arrived home with a huge smile on my face and a light and happy heart.

Kindness is really so easy—and often it doesn't cost a thing. Hmmm, wonder what I can do today?

Love what you have

Here's one of the gems I saw on Facebook: "Happiness isn't about getting what you want all the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it."

What a difference. Again, it's about attitude and perspective, isn't it? Rather than always longing for more, more, more—perhaps we can stop and see all that we do have already. And be grateful for it.

No matter what sorrow and hurts we have in our lives, we always have good things, too. Blessings are tucked in there somewhere—sometimes even right inside the painful parts. For example, a friend recently told me that when she went through a jobless and serious financial hardship time recently, she was heartened and amazed by those people who came forward to support and care about her. It wasn't necessarily those she expected to be there, but that didn't matter. There were people who were there with love, open arms and hearts and also with practical help to get her through until she could get back on her feet. Pain and fear, yes. And also blessings and gifts! And she could be grateful for those.

We don't get what we want all the time. Perhaps not even much of the time. But we still have a lot. And when we focus on gratitude, our eyes and hearts are opened to see what's there.

Experience the full range of feelings

Nobody likes to feel pain and sadness. It goes without saying that we much prefer to experience joy and happiness.

Here's the deal, though: If you and I try to numb out the pain so we don't feel the sadness, we will also numb out the joyful parts of our lives—or at the very least, tamp them down. When we are intent on pushing down one emotion, it affects all the other emotions. It's really impossible to simply select to experience this or that emotion while shutting out others. We can try push down the sadness, but it's still there—and will either leak out in strange ways little by little or erupt in a big way some day. Emotions don't come with a control panel that allows you to select one over another.

Far better that we try to be real about all our emotions, experiencing them to the full extent. Of course, it isn't fun to feel sad. However, if we are willing to face the sadness and walk through the grief and pain, we most likely will learn some things. Perhaps we'll learn things about ourselves; for example, we might realize that we're stronger than we thought. Or we might learn who our real friends are—and be totally surprised at how wonderful it can be to be cared for by dear friends when we're going through a tough time. And, eventually, when we walk through the grief and sadness, we will come out on the other side. There will be a day again when the sky is blue and you can hear the birds sing again.

Shutting out pain

I remember when I was in high school, one of my friends was deeply hurt when her boyfriend dropped her like a hot potato. She swore she would never again let another person into her life in that way. No more love for her.

Although I lost touch with her through the years, I remember hearing that she did eventually marry. I hope it was a loving and fulfilling relationship. It had always made me sad to think she might close herself off from any future relationship because of one hurtful and negative experience. That didn't seem like the way to live, at least not from my perspective.

Then again, don't we all try to do something similar at times? We hope that we can fence up our lives against pain and hurt. However, there are no guarantees, are there? And when we try to shut out the hurt and pain, we also shut out much of the pleasure and delight. I've never heard of a way to let only pleasure into our life and barricade out the pain. And anyway, how would we know pleasure if we'd never known any hurt or pain? For don't we know what a valley is because of the mountains that surround it? Don't we know delight in its contrast to unhappiness or hurt?

What are you trying to shut out of your life right now? Might you find a way to open yourself up to all of life, knowing that much growth and transformation actually comes through the hurt, pain and disappointments?