So many life lessons

Some years ago a friend gave me a lovely inspirational book that combines original art with the selected prayers of several writers and poets. The book, Painted Prayers by Jody Uttal, inspires me and always makes me think.

Here's a selection I read yesterday that was written by Rumi, the 13th century Persian Sunni Muslim poet, theologian and Sufi mystic. It speaks to our being open to whatever enters our lives hour by hour or day by day—because everything can be a teacher. This is called "The Guest House":

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning, a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond."

There really is nothing more I need to say. Re-read it if you wish and simply reflect on Rumi's rich words. Then stay open to each emotion and experience to see what life lessons emerge.

What have you learned about life and yourself?

I'm intrigued with a question that I just saw raised earlier this week: What is the most important thing you've learned about life and about yourself in the last 10 years?

Do you need time to think about that one? Or do you know right off the top of your head what your response would be?

My response might seem like a "duh" response to you—but I would have to say that my answer would be that I really have no control over much of anything! I can control how I respond to life events. But try as I might, I cannot control my environment and the things that happen. I don't wish to control others, but I realize how much I try to manage things in my life so that I know what will happen and when. And it really doesn't work. So what I need to learn is to be comfortable with letting life and events unfold as they will. I can't know what's coming. It just doesn't work that way. I want to learn how to ride the waves more easily, trusting that somehow things will all work out.

It sounds utterly ridiculous when I write this down. But it's true, so I may as well admit it and work on being more flexible and open to process and unfolding!

Have you thought about your answer(s) yet?

Life lessons & laughter

Recently a friend sent me a list of witticisms that make so much sense. Today all we need are a handful of these to ponder—and send us on our way into a new week! I hope they make you laugh, too—or at least smile.

—Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
—Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
—Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
—Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live!
—A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
—Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
—Never buy a car you can't push.
—Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker!

And, for a chocoholic like me, this one is really important:
—Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!

Making our time count

I just read a beautiful poem by Brazilian poet, novelist, essayist and musicologist Mario de Andrade, and I want to share a couple of lines. They are worth hearing and pondering, in my humble opinion.

Andrade says, "I counted my years and realized that I have less time to live by than I have lived so far. ...I have no time for endless meetings where the statutes, rules, procedures and internal regulations are discussed, knowing that nothing will be done. ... I want to surround myself with people who know how to touch the hearts of those whom hard strokes of life have learned to grow with sweet touches of the soul."

There are many good lines in between those two. If you want the entire poem, do a Google search for "My Soul Has a Hat." It definitely is worth a read.

This is about making whatever days remain to us quality days, not just filling them up with fluff. What a great reminder!

What's inside fear & loss?

I've often mentioned in my blogs that one of my favorite inspirational authors is Mark Nepo. I have read several of his books—and only recently, bought a couple more. One of those is Things That Join the Sea and the Sky: Field Notes on Living.

One of the things Nepo wrote in that book is:

"I don't know why, but for all I've been through—almost dying, almost living, seeking love till I've become love, seeking truth till I've become a question—for all of it, I'm certain that inside every nut is a seed. Inside every fear, a pin of light. Inside every desperation, a drop of being. Inside every loss, an inch of what can never be lost. And inside every burden, a pearl of worth. I don't know why, but I'm certain that the pearl of worth is waiting for us to dive to the bottom of all trouble, to pry the shell of burden open, and to bring the gem we were born to carry to the surface."

One of the images that come to mind when I read this is that of the Russian nesting dolls. When you remove the top of the largest doll, another doll is nesting inside. Take off the top of that doll and yet another smaller doll nests inside. This continues until you reach the tiniest doll of all, hidden inside all the others. And she doesn't come apart.

For certain—"inside every nut is a seed." I ask myself, do I take the time to look inside my fear? My desperation? My loss? My burden? If I do, that's where the riches can be found.

And what is the gem I was born to bring to the surface?

What about you?

Testing, testing, testing

I have a snarly road construction mess on the highway that goes right by my townhouse development. It is supposed to be done by November of this year; however, I'm pretty much thinking we'll have to live with this for the rest of the year.

Normally, this highway has two lanes going each direction. Now there's only one lane going each direction, and traffic is lined up way up and down the road. And the traffic pattern changes week to week, depending on what's being done. So getting in and out of our development is definitely a challenge. It's not a time to be timid, I'll tell you that. One has to get the car right up to the roadway rather than staying at the stop sign set back from the road—and hope someone will do the right thing and not block our ability to get out onto the road. Most people are kind and willing to share the roadway! Some, however.... well, you get the point.

I'm not proud to admit this, but I'm not the most patient person in the world, especially when it comes to driving. I think I got my father's genes there; I always said he had two speeds—fast or stopped. And I seem to have the same. Once I'm headed somewhere, I want to get there, and as quickly as possible. So this construction business is going to truly test me. It might be a good time for me to practice patience a bit more seriously than I've done before! Another life lesson for me to learn.

Do you have something that's being tested right now? What practice might help you?

Let go—let life unfold

I have spent way too much of my life worrying about things that never come to pass. It's generally a waste of good time to worry about things. That said, it's not easy to completely let go of worry. However, it's worthwhile to keep trying. I often have to remind myself: Sonia, let it go. Your worrying about this will not change the outcome. Most likely, your fears will not come to pass, Sonia.

More and more, I've come to like the word "unfold." Life will unfold. Situations will unfold. That doesn't mean that we don't face choices on which path to take or how to react to life situations. We do have choice in several matters. But we really are not in control of most things, much as we want to believe that we are.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, said this:

"Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Enormous effort can be involved, but it is a graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort, a doerless doing."

What do you think about this? Are you able to let go and let life unfold?

Hard work and sweet memories

So much of life is both/and. Experiences aren't good; they aren't bad—they often are a mix of each. So with people—not good, not bad, but a mix of both. And life: not good, not bad, but both/and.

So two weeks ago when my sis and I spent a week cleaning out our brother's home for him, that realization was underscored for us in a big way. His home had been our parents' home, too. So it was full, extremely full; and cleaning it out was exhausting and hard work for the two of us. Neither one of us is 20 anymore, so our muscles complained every night after morning-till-early-evening lifting, bending, carrying and hoisting.

However, that week also was filled with many sweet moments—several trips down memory lane, the joy of sister-time, lots of surprising discoveries of items we either had never seen before or hadn't known were still around, and a reminder that friends and neighbors in small towns are so kind and helpful, going out of their way to assist us. Strangers in that small town became friends by week's end, too.

Now that the huge task we'd dreaded for so long is in our rear-view mirror, my sis and I more easily remember all the sweet moments contained in that week. Ah, the joys of a both/and world. I'm grateful this is so!

Have you experienced some of this lately, too?

Failures are our teachers

I have often said that I've learned far more from my mistakes and failures than ever I've learned from any achievements or successes in life. It's not a fun way to learn—but somehow it seems more effective. Do you find that true in your life, too?

That is why it's good to ask yourself—either when you're in the midst of a situation that is going south and is about to fail or later when you pick up the pieces—what can I learn from this? What is this experience trying to teach me? So many lessons can be embedded within our failures. So don't be discouraged by your mistakes and failures.

As our last president, Barack Obama, once said, "The real test is not whether you avoid failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."

Yup, it's called lifelong learning. The school of hard knocks. Whatever you want to call it, there's just always more to learn. Let's open ourselves up to those lessons. 

An up-side to illness?

Generally we don't think of illness as a good thing. There are so many down-sides to it. That said, I have heard some people say that they were grateful for their cancer because it taught them so much about themselves and ended up being life-changing. That always amazes me.

So several days ago when I read the question, "What if the symptoms of my illness are trying to heal me?" in a meditation book, Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick, it wasn't a complete shock.

It reminded me of a dear friend who had spent several weeks in bed last winter. She was ill with pneumonia; and because her husband has Alzheimer's, she carries much of the responsibility for running the household and all other matters in their life together. Later, when she was well again, she said those weeks taught her many things. The lesson with the most impact, however, was that she had to stop trying to do it all. She simply couldn't keep up the pace she had without losing her health or dying. Something had to give. Bottom line is that she decided they needed to sell their home and move to a continuing care community where there would be options for care. She would get some relief in terms of meals available in the facility's dining room, and she wouldn't be responsible for gardens and other home maintenance—only for an apartment. For repairs in the apartment, she has only to call the facility maintenance department.

They've made the move now, and life is so much easier for my friend. She's still worn out from all the house-selling and moving, but that's temporary. She is so relieved—and slowly but surely, she's regaining her energy.

Ironically, this would never have happened had she not gotten pneumonia.  It's a reminder to me about how easy it is for me, too, to just go merrily along doing what I've always done. Often I don't stop to think about what might need changing until something stops me in my tracks as it did my friend. You, too?

Life & loss

"It's what we lose that teaches us to suck all the juices out of every other moment in life," Joan Chittister wrote in her book Living Well.

As I look back on my own life, I can see the truth of that. It's in the losses that I've learned the most: losing my marriage, losing the opportunity to break another glass ceiling when I was highly qualified and expected by others to get the position, losing my job, losing loved ones in death and losing friendships, to name a few.

Those experiences have taught me to make the most of what I do have, to cherish those who are in my life and to "suck all the juices" out of each day. I want to savor each moment.

Do I remember that every minute of every day? Oh, how I wish! But as I often tell myself: It's not about perfection; it's about doing the best I can.

Think about your own life. What have you lost that has taught you to "suck all the juices" out of each moment?

Letting life unfold

Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose specialty is mindfulness-based stress reduction, has a lovely way of describing how we can simply let life unfold. Make no mistake, however, letting life simply unfold isn't simple! Most of us tend to try force things into our preconceived notions of how they should be. Often, that doesn't work out—have you noticed?

Anyway, here's what Kabat-Zinn says: "Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Enormous effort can be involved, but it is a graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort, a doerless doing."

Got it? Hmmm, perhaps not. It really does go against the grain of our typical way of being. Perhaps you have learned how to allow things "to unfold in their own way." If so, kudos to you. I'm still trying to learn this. I know that forcing an outcome doesn't work. But just letting go and letting things be is difficult. It's a life lesson on which I'm working.

I wonder whether I shouldn't post Kabat-Zinn's words somewhere so I'll read them daily. Perhaps in time the "graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort" way of being might sink more deeply into my consciousness. That description intrigues and invites me. How about you?

Open & closed doors

So often the quotes that are oft-repeated and familiar to us are those made by famous people. But we know that many quite ordinary people pass on words of wisdom every day. Perhaps each of us recalls wisdom passed along to us from a parent, grandparent or other loved one.

I don't know how it is that this quote got passed along outside her family circles, but a quite ordinary woman, Flora Permelia Whittemore, who died in 1993 in Idaho, said these words that are so relevant for us all: "The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."

My beloved sister and I often talk about the idea of open doors. How can we open doors for others? How can we watch for open doors that we may wish to walk through? In the same vein, the doors we close are important, too—as are the doors we close on others. Those open and closed doors make such a difference in our lives and the lives of those we affect. Truly, they do "decide the lives we live."

What doors have you opened lately? Which ones have you closed? Have you by your words or actions opened or closed doors to or for others? A raised awareness of such doors can make a huge difference in the lives we live. Start noticing today. It's a good way to start a new year.

Ride the waves

Recently my healing touch practitioner reminded me to simply ride the waves of life—the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the pleasure and the pain. Just stay open to it all. Don't get all bound up in one feeling or another. Don't let one situation consume you. Ride the waves.

What a great image that provides. And it's always a good reminder. For everything in life can contain life lessons for us. We never know what a given situation might teach us. Honestly, I have learned more from those difficult, challenging and painful situations than from the joyful ones. It's helpful to remember that when I face yet another one—don't clench up, Sonia. Don't get stuck in this one.

Poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it this way:
"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final."

Indeed. No situation is the last word—not until death claims us, that is. And no feeling is final. Ah, here comes another wave. Just relax into it.

Change regrets into life lessons

He berates himself frequently, saying, "I should never have made that choice. What a bad decision. What a mess I made of things." While I completely understand that feeling and the whole issue of regret, it's not a good place in which to dwell. I encouraged him to feel the feeling and then let it go. We cannot change the past. All we can do is accept that what's done has been done—and let go of the regret.

What we can change is what we do going forward. We can also change how we view something. A different attitude toward the past doesn't change the past—but it changes us. It means more happiness going forward, and most likely it will help us make more thoughtful and better decisions in the future as well.

So if you're living with regrets, work on your attitude about the past—and mostly, work on the changes you want to make for decision-making and living your life in the future. Learn whatever life lessons you can from past decisions. What do you want to tweak and change? Create a plan for doing so. And stop dwelling on the past. Live today and plan for tomorrow.

Gathering wisdom

Sue Patton Thoele, an author whose meditation books for women I've read and loved for years, writes in The Woman's Book of Spirit about gathering wisdom at any age, not just when we're older. She urges us to imagine carrying a basket as we move through life's garden, filling it with blossoms of wisdom gained from each circumstance, experience and relationship. She says:

"Think about the wisdom that you have gathered thus far. Give yourself credit for the ways in which you have grown and blossomed and for the ways that you've helped others grow. Appreciating ourselves each day gives us the courage to gather the seeds and stomp through the fertilizer, both of which are necessary to keep our garden of wisdom growing."

That paragraph in her book is filled with so many threads we could follow—giving ourselves credit, gaining courage, gathering seeds, stomping through the "fertilizer" of our lives and so much more. I really don't need to elaborate; you can do that for yourself.

If you resonate with this as I do, spend some time with what Thoele says and see where it takes you. Then continue to fill your basket with blossoms of wisdom, stopping to give yourself credit and remembering to appreciate what you have in that basket!

A gift to be alive

I remember clearly that after my maternal grandmother died, we found in her dresser drawers many of the gifts we'd given her in her final years—unused. Powder, lotions, clothes and many other lovely things. I am quite certain the items weren't unused because she didn't like them. In fact, I have no doubt that the opposite was true. She thought the items were special and was saving them for a special occasion. I can just imagine her saying that. "This is too nice to use for every day."

That taught me a valuable lesson. I don't save such gifts for a special occasion. I enjoy them, savor them and remember with gratitude the one from whom they came—each time I use the item. In addition, now I realize that simply being alive and being able to enjoy such gifts IS the special occasion.

It's just another way of being present right here, right now. Live in the moment. Don't save good gifts or good experiences for a special day. Today is special!

Failure's lessons

For years I have liked the prose/poem titled "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It's about being real, and it's just rich with images and meaning. Read the entire poem sometime, and see whether it doesn't give you much upon which to reflect.

Part of the poem addresses failure, something with which each one of us is familiar. Here's what she writes, "I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'"

I don't know about you, but I've learned far more from my failures than ever I've learned from my achievements and successes. It's not easy to face failure nor to accept that one has failed. But it definitely puts it in perspective when you can ask what lessons your failure might have for you. What can you learn from the experience?

And can we be gracious and forgiving of the failures of others? It helps if we can offer ourselves that gift—then we'll be more likely to be accepting of the failures of others.

And if we can do that, perhaps we truly can "stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'"

Life is precious—savor it

Today is the funeral of one of my beloved cousins. He slipped on the ice in his driveway as he went out to retrieve the Sunday paper in early February, sustained severe head trauma, was in a coma for quite some time, emerged from that and made a tiny bit of progress with hand movements. But before he could make much headway, he stopped progressing and eventually went backward. These past several weeks, he's been in hospice; and on Tuesday he died.

I tell you this because it's such a stark reminder, to me anyway, of the fact that our lives can change on a dime. One day you walk outside to get the Sunday paper, and your life changes forever. For his wife and children, life changed drastically after that fall, too.

What this tells me more than anything is to see each moment as precious. Speak from my heart. Be authentic. Tell my loved ones how much I love them. Tell people when I appreciate them, who they are and what they do. Savor life—all the small moments as well as the big ones. Listen to the birds. Smell the flowers. Follow my dreams. Don't wait until tomorrow. Live from my heart. Reach out to others. Treat others kindly—I have no idea what they're facing or feeling.

Ah, so many life lessons from this one tragic event. I want to pay attention to them.

Life lessons from the dying

People who are staring death right in the eye often have great insights to share. American journalist and National Public Radio host Scott Simon shares some of his mother's wisdom from her dying words in his new book Unforgettable: A Son, a Mother, and the Lessons of a Lifetime.

One of the things he said especially struck me: "She said I should spend more time talking to people in their 80s because, I will never forget this phrase, 'They have looked across the street at death for a decade. They know what's really important in life.' She would have wanted me to share that."

"They have looked across the street at death for a decade." That is powerful. You just know that viewing death from that proximity and for that length of time would boil down so much of life to its true essence—to the bare essentials. At least for those willing to learn the lessons, the extraneous would have been let go. The truly important would be treasured and savored. Perhaps amends would have been made and forgiveness occurred. Words of love would have been spoken. And more.

Simon summed up his mother's wisdom at the end of his book: "Write thank you notes. Tip well. Sing. Drink responsibly. Remember that good manners cost nothing, and open doors. Reach out to someone who is lonely. Make them laugh. Help people smile."

Indeed. We can each learn from that.