Shifting our focus

So much changes in our lives when we shift our focus. Attitudes and viewpoints make such a difference. I like what author and psychologist Daniel Goleman has to say about that:

"When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection—or compassionate action."

Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence was on The New York Times bestseller list for 1-1/2 years. In it he discusses the mastery of our own emotions and understanding the emotions of those around us. He knows that wisdom is more than mastering facts. He knows that a focus only on self makes our world smaller.

Sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed with the events and problems in our own lives. At those times we may want to tune out everyone else and their troubles. But it's not helpful. It's not healthy. Our problems can actually seem smaller when we focus on other people.

Who around you can use some attention and time today? See if a focus on that doesn't put your own problems in better perspective.

Light up the world with love

I recently read a post on Facebook about a woman who's a writer. She'd done a column on how despondent she's been since the election—a sentiment shared by many people, from what I hear.

At any rate, since writing that column, this woman has been verbally attacked in the newspaper and on Facebook. She's been called fat, ugly and many other things and has been urged by several to commit suicide! What is going on here?

What I see is way, way too many people being driven by fear, anxiety, anger and hatred. And what that tells me is that each one of us who want to live in a different America than a fear- and hate-based one needs to step up and bring light, love and peace into the world. Every one of us has personal power and the ability to make personal choices about our behavior. First it begins with our attitudes and then from those flow our actions and behaviors.

Let's bring all the light we can into this dark world that seems so filled with fear and hatred lately. Let's show love. Let's carry peace in our hearts and reflect it outward in ripples that go and go. This isn't Pollyanna speaking. We really can carry the light out into the world. I firmly believe that. It starts with small acts of love. Smile at someone. Help them carry their groceries. Befriend someone. Pay for the car behind you in a drive-through eatery. Listen as though your life depended on it—because someone else's life may. 

Love really does trump hate!

Stay flexible

It's been one of those weeks—bobbing from one extreme to the other. I've spent time trying to process what last week's election means for the country and for me. I don't know about your thoughts and feelings regarding that election, and I don't wish to cast aspersions on anyone's party loyalties or votes. But I will just be open and honest and say I have been grieving the Electoral College's decision. I do so because to me the election was about more than the two candidates. To me, it was about who we want to be as a people and what we want to be as a nation. I hope and pray we can call on our higher selves to win the day despite the examples of discrimination that have followed.

Then on the other side of the spectrum from election results, I had two fabulous experiences. One was my annual "Thelma & Louise Road Trip to Tennessee" with my dear sister, Cheryl. Each fall she flies into Chicago, and the two of us take a road trip to the area where she and her husband have a retirement home amid the rolling hills of northern Tennessee. We had such a good time together—punctuated by those times of grieving and processing what just happened. And the weather was fabulous!

Then last Sunday she and my three sons really surprised me with an early birthday party at which they gathered family and friends. I really felt the love, and we all had a fabulous time. So my past week has gone from low to high to low to high. And isn't that how life often is? It's not often that we stay on a flat-line path for long. We generally have high moments, low moments and all the in-between ones that create the pattern of our days. It's good when we can stay flexible and go with the flow, knowing that those are all part of everyday life.

If you're having a bad day, know it isn't forever. And if you're having a fabulous one, savor it and stay in the moment. Keep the glow for those days that aren't so good. It's all in our attitude.

Healthy minds help healing

All of us should tend to our emotional well-being. It can make such a difference to our quality of life and to how we handle the everyday stresses of living.

But if you or a loved one lives with chronic pain, illness or a medical condition, it's especially important to maintain a positive and healthy attitude. When our bodies are fighting off illness or dealing with pain, they may not have the needed strength to also fight off the negative effects of stress. So it is especially important to do all we can to stay positive.

Mind you, that doesn't mean denying the situation. Rather, it means full acceptance of the situation with the realization that you have the ability to manage your mental health and emotions in ways that can promote healing and well-being.

Talk with others or with a trusted medical professional, counselor or life coach. Journal your negative feelings or fears to get them outside of your body. Engage in positive activities you enjoy. Surround yourself with happy, positive people. Be sure you get enough rest and sleep, eat healthy foods and take good care of yourself. All of these things can help you maintain a good attitude. And we know the mind exerts a lot of power over the body. It's what creates a positive placebo effect in medicine. No doubt we've all known people who faced serious illness with a positive and hopeful attitude, and it contributed to their healing.

Remember, your emotional health is ever so important. Do your best to stay healthy.

The beauty in aging

As we age, it's so easy to look at the glass half empty rather than half full. We remember all the things we used to be able to do that we can't any longer. We think of how we used to look without the wrinkles, age spots and added weight. Or we bemoan the fact that we didn't attain the dreams we thought we might.

But how sad is that—to let yesterday steal today? No matter what we're facing at the moment, surely there are things that call us to gratitude and celebration. Even when we've lost some of our capabilities through aging, we've sharpened others. We have more experience now and that brings a wealth of perspective and insight.

The blessings are there, and we'll notice them more if we stop focusing on the burdens and losses. Take time to grieve those losses (small and large) that really matter to you. And then be ready to let go and move on so that you can pay more attention to the positives in your life.

Make a list of all those blessings and positives if that will help you notice them. Don't forget the small things—and the intangibles. Often those are the things we notice more as we age, perhaps because we have more time to smell the roses.

Savor and enjoy. Aging really can have a beauty all its own. It's all in the attitude!

Stay healthy with your attitude

Recently I read some research outcomes that show the effects of optimism. It was fascinating. We do know that whatever we focus on becomes larger. If we focus on life's negatives, we'll see more of those. If we focus on the positives, that becomes the filter through which we see things.

Research shows that optimism boosts our immune system and that a positive attitude protects against heart attacks, strokes and other cardiovascular problems. Boosting optimism also can decrease the effects of depression. In addition, it appears that positive people tend to make more and better social connections. And we know that those add deeper meaning to our lives and help us feel less lonely.

It's tough to be an optimist these days, I'll admit it. So much of the news is bad. Apparently bad news sells. So it's good to do whatever you can to stay positive (maybe even quit watching news for a while). Get out in nature. Keep your social connections open and healthy. Do some "as if" thinking if you need to—and think positively about your future even when you're unsure about it. Set small and achievable goals. Celebrate your achievements, even if you think they're small. Every bit helps! Engage in life fully and completely.

If you are having a tough time staying positive these days and wish to discuss that, please contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You don't have to stay stuck!

Life: Approach with care

I like this quote by Oscar Wilde: "Life is too important to be taken seriously."

It's a reminder to me (and I hope, to you) to leave room for playfulness, wonder, delight and a good dose of humor. Of course, that doesn't mean everything in life is fun or funny. We know better than that. But no matter how bad things get for us, it's good to remember that's not all there is. There's more.

And the "more" becomes noticeable and obvious when we approach life looking for the gifts and blessings. Look for the humor in everyday events. Look for the bright side and the light side.

Above all, don't take yourself so seriously!

We're all doing the best we can

Research professor and author Brené Brown says in her book Rising Strong that her work has taught her that people are doing the very best they can. She maintains that it's far healthier to see the world through that lens than seeing everyone with a suspicious and judgmental eye.

"As miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they're easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation. The truth is that judgment and anger take up way more emotional bandwidth for us. Beyond that, they are often shaming and disrespectful to the person who is struggling, and ultimately toxic to the entire culture."

Wow, that's a lot to take in. Perhaps you have done what I've done: Moved from 0 to 150 mph to judgment when someone has made a remark or done something that we took as a slight. And where has it gotten us? Generally, nowhere helpful and positive. I like the assumption that we're all in this together and we're all trying our best just to survive and thrive. Compassion and self-compassion are essentials in our daily lives.

That said, Brown doesn't advise that we let go of boundaries and integrity. We don't want to be suckers or doormats. But perhaps we can lay down the assumptions that some people are out to hurt us or that they're jealous of us or that they intended to be mean and hurtful. It could make a difference in our day-to-day interactions. And surely in our attitudes!

Older is happier? Really?

Happiness is about engagement and meaning and progressing toward your goals, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside. She is author of a best-seller, The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, a book of strategies backed by scientific research.

Lyubomirsky also addresses the issue of whether money will make us happy. She says research suggests that it's not about having money—it's about how we spend it. If we spend it helping others, interacting in relationships or in learning new things, that can make us happy.

Interestingly, the professor and author also says that people tend to get happier as they age, perhaps because older people are emotionally wiser and know what makes them happy. Many mature people know it's not about things but about relationships.

If you want to increase your level of happiness, she reminds us that it's highly dependent upon attitude. So let's take a check of our attitudes and see whether some adjustment is needed.

Thanks for listening

My internet was extremely slow toward the end of last week. I wasn't sure whether it was a problem only at my home or perhaps an area problem. But when connectivity got spotty, I called Comcast. A technician came out a day later, determined it wasn't my modem but, in fact, was something with the outside cables and connections. Another technician was needed, and it would be within 72 hours.

I'm still waiting. And I'm not proud to say so, but I'm not waiting very patiently.

It's a reminder to me of how dependent I've become on technology. I wish it were not so. But it is. And I need to remind myself that this really is a "first-world problem." Many other people in the world are dealing with far more serious issues. They might wish the only thing they had to face today was a computer connectivity problem.

So I'm taking some deep breaths right now. I'm reminding myself that I don't have a terminal health problem. I'm not in pain. My loved ones are safe. And, in fact, I have so many blessings. It's a beautiful day as I write this—and I'm about to have lunch with one of my granddaughters to celebrate her high school graduation. Life is good, right?

It's all about attitude. I began this post with a bad one. And already I feel better. Thanks for listening!

How's your energy level?

As you think about all the people in your life—particularly those who are an important part of your daily life—are most of them people who enhance your life and give you energy? Do they invigorate you? Or do they deplete and drain you?

One always hopes that you have more people in your life who make you feel better, open your heart and make you come alive rather than those who suck away your energy and make you feel negative and worn out.

As you think about this, think also about your own attitudes. Are you staying positive? Are you encouraging and affirming of others? Or do you rain on your partner's or friend's parade when he or she has a new idea or wants to try something different?

Check your own attitude. And check those of the people around you. If you want to have energy and be happy and positive, start with your own attitude. And don't let others steal your peace, either. Sometimes it's a matter of tuning out the negative messages of others. And other times, we really need to just walk away from a conversation that's a real downer. And at yet other times, we may even have to leave a friendship that drags us down regularly.

Do an energy audit and see how you fare. It's important to your happiness.

Let yourself be calmed

I've often said that attitude and perspective can make all the difference in how events and experiences impact us. A positive attitude doesn't change the situation. It changes us so we can better handle the situation.

Recently I came across notes I'd taken as someone was interviewed on TV about a controversial and difficult time in their life. The comment really struck me, which I guess was why I wrote it in my journal. Here's what the person being interviewed said: "Sometimes God calms the storm. And sometimes God lets the storm rage—and calms us."

Yes! It's just another way of saying what I often say about attitude. If you and I can let ourselves be calmed amid a stormy and tumultuous time, we'll face it with more strength and energy. Doing so may change the outcome—or it may be the same outcome. But we'll be changed. And that's the important thing.

Looking for meaning

It's said that millenials seek work and activities in their lives that have meaning. They don't want to settle for just anything.

I suspect that can be said of most of us. We search for meaning in our lives, in our work, in our relationships and in our hobbies and activities. It's important to think we're contributing in some way.

The story is told of three stonecutters who worked on a cathedral many centuries ago. When asked about their work of cutting stones for the cathedral, they each answered in a different way. The first man complained about the boredom and hard work of stonecutting. The second man said he was happy to have the work so he could provide for his beautiful family, whom he loved very much. And the third man spoke of the privilege he felt to be part of building a great cathedral that would stand as a "holy lighthouse" for thousands of years.

Isn't it interesting to see how each man saw his job from a different perspective? Each assigned different meaning to the very same task.

How do you see your life? Your work? Your relationships? Do you need to change anything? Or do you simply need to attach different meaning to some of the elements of your life?

Choose gratitude & joy

While there is much in life that we cannot control, we can manage our attitudes and our level of acceptance of what comes our way. And it's so worth doing.

Life is what you make it. It can be what you want it to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we get everything we want in life. I don't mean that everything is perfect and all that we dreamed it would be. But I do believe that what we make of what we have is the difference between misery and joy.

I confess that my life hasn't turned out anything like what I had imagined as a young girl growing up on an Iowa farm. Things have happened to me that have brought pain and sadness. However, I've also experienced things that I never dreamed could be part of my life. And through it all—the good and the bad—I've been transformed. As a result, my life is far richer than I might have imagined. And, honestly, I'm thankful for it all. I would not have grown in the ways I have without some of the more difficult experiences. I might not have met those who enrich my life today.

Is it time for you to do an attitude shift? To change your perspective? To be grateful for all the parts of your life, even those you didn't want? See whether you need to make some changes today so you can welcome gratitude and joy to be part of your daily life.

Change regrets into life lessons

He berates himself frequently, saying, "I should never have made that choice. What a bad decision. What a mess I made of things." While I completely understand that feeling and the whole issue of regret, it's not a good place in which to dwell. I encouraged him to feel the feeling and then let it go. We cannot change the past. All we can do is accept that what's done has been done—and let go of the regret.

What we can change is what we do going forward. We can also change how we view something. A different attitude toward the past doesn't change the past—but it changes us. It means more happiness going forward, and most likely it will help us make more thoughtful and better decisions in the future as well.

So if you're living with regrets, work on your attitude about the past—and mostly, work on the changes you want to make for decision-making and living your life in the future. Learn whatever life lessons you can from past decisions. What do you want to tweak and change? Create a plan for doing so. And stop dwelling on the past. Live today and plan for tomorrow.

Practice gratitude & compassion

It's probably no surprise to you that your emotions affect your immune system. Studies show that when you experience positive emotions, your immune system is stimulated. Attitude really does make a difference.

What does that mean about the anger, resentments and fear that come up in our lives from time to time? It doesn't mean avoiding those emotions or suppressing them. Our bodies know what emotions are being experienced even when the mind won't acknowledge them. And people who push down their negative emotions actually raise their risk of cancer, ulcers and other physical ailments.

The answer is to deal with those emotions head-on and right away. And then, as quickly as you are able to do so, let go of them. Move on to gratitude and compassion as quickly as you can. Don't ignore the negative emotions. Deal with them and then dump them like hot coals. And if you've been practicing gratitude and compassion regularly, it'll be easier to let go of the anger and resentments once you've handled the situation. You won't be as tempted to hang onto those negative emotions.

Today is a good day to start with gratitude and compassion. Right now, off the top of your head, tick off five to 10 things for which you're thankful. And look with compassion on those people who come into your life the rest of the day. Keep practicing. Soon it will be your go-to mode, and you'll spend less time in anger and fear. Doesn't that sound better? And healthier?

Life as adventure

Do you see life as an adventure? Or is it more of an endurance test—and you just hope to make it to the end?

I'm hoping you see it more as an adventure. Or even something between those two options above. For what we get from life depends so much on what our attitude is toward life and all its experiences.

How's your attitude these days? Do you mostly see the glass half-full? Or half-empty?

If you're a half-empty guy or gal, would you like to change that? It may not be quite as easy as clicking your sparkly red shoes together (like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz). But it is possible to change your perspective to a more positive one—over time.

Each day, focus on what's good about the day, what's good in the various experiences you have. Focus on those things for which you're grateful. Soon enough, you'll find that you notice those things more than you notice the negatives. You'll see what you look for!

The warmth of a smile

I'm a firm believer in the power of gratitude to change our perspective. So when my reflexologist gave me an idea for focusing attention on gratitude, I welcomed it.

Here's the idea: Seat yourself in a comfortable position, close your eyes and take some long, slow and deep breaths. Then return your breathing to normal and pay attention to it.

Next, imagine the face of someone you love smiling at you. Feel the warmth—and feel yourself smiling back at them. Find a place in your body in need of some healing energy. As you inhale, imagine you're breathing into that area. Follow your breath with your smile. Feel the smile penetrating that area and allow tension to melt away.

Be aware of yourself as the smiler and the one receiving the smile. Alternate if you wish. When you're finished, imagine that area of your body glowing with light.

See if this doesn't spur your gratitude and a softer attitude and perspective.

It depends on my focus

While there are many irritating things about Facebook, I will confess that I'm a fan. I learn a lot on Facebook when I see the news stories some people post, I learn about what friends and family are experiencing—good and bad—and have a chance to offer support and prayers, I have connected with people from my past that I would not have without Facebook, and I am introduced to many inspirational ideas and writings.

Lately, though, I'm noticing something about my use of Facebook. As I read through my home-page postings, I see snarky comments about something a presidential candidate has said, for example, or some action or quote by a public official or someone in the news. Sometimes I "like" those comments, and sometimes I comment on them because I, too, have strong feelings about what's been posted.

On the other hand, many postings are inspirational and include quotes that focus me on gratitude and hope. I comment on those, too. Sometimes I even download those so I can remember them.

But here's what I wonder: What if I ignored the negative news and snarky postings and focused far more on the inspirational content and the positive connections on Facebook? Wouldn't I find it easier to stay in a pose of gratitude and loving-kindness? What if I focused on that and also on those opportunities to offer care and support to others and also to share my own concerns? How might my daily attitude and outlook change? I'm going to try it and see what changes for me.

Get to the core of your fears

The Roman philosopher and statesman Seneca once said, "There are more things to alarm us than to harm us, and we suffer more often in apprehension than reality."

Have you ever worried yourself sick about the possibility of something awful happening? Or one thing happens, and you're absolutely positive it will lead to a second and then a third awful thing. The dominoes are going to fall, and the result will be devastating, you are just certain of it. We all do this from time to time. It means far more suffering than is necessary. "...we suffer more often in apprehension than reality." Yes, it's true. And we're easily alarmed when, in reality, much of what we fear never will harm us or happen to us.

For that reason, it's good to examine your thoughts when such a process begins. As soon as you notice that you're building a strong case for disaster after just one small event, check your thoughts. Ask yourself what you fear most. Then ask what that would mean for your life. Why would it be so terrible? When you answer what it would mean, ask the same questions of that situation. If that thing also happened, what do you fear most as a result? Why would that be so terrible? Keep going with the questions, and you'll get to the real core of your fear. Then you can deal with the reality of your fear rather than possibilities. Try to avoid the "always," "never, and "devastating" words when you think of possibilities. That will do more to alarm you than harm you! It's all in how you view things, and your attitude and language make a difference.