Speaking up feels authentic

I believe in authenticity. The older I become, the more important it is to me to be authentic and true to who I am and what I value. Sometimes that deep calling comes into conflict with my desire to maintain serenity and equanimity. That's been happening for me this week.

Ever since a woman came forward with accusations against the current Supreme Court nominee, her life has been scrutinized. She's been ridiculed and accused of vengeful behavior and worse; several lies have been circulated about her. She has even received death threats! She's being what we now call slut-shamed because she dared come forward and accuse a man who has risen to a high level.

I remember vividly in 1991 when Anita Hill went through this same thing, and I wonder why women are still being re-victimized simply for coming forward with their stories of abuse or rape. As a woman, I have strong feelings about this; and I have been so pleased to see the "Me, Too" movement take hold. It's been long overdue. But the behavior persists.

Here's the thing. I don't want to be upset about everything that I hear on the news (although there's plenty about which to be upset these days). I don't want to always see the glass half empty. I want to live in hope. I want to remain positive. However, I also want to be true to my beliefs and my values. And to tell the truth, I am way beyond sick and tired of the way women have been treated for centuries—the way we're devalued even yet in this country. So I simply have to speak out about it. I cannot sit by and watch the slut-shaming circus without saying something. That may make me a trouble-maker. But history shows that much change has come because of "trouble-makers."

So I'm going on record here (and on social media and my friendship circles) to call people out when they do this to women. Enough already. This needs to stop! Women are human and deserve respect just as do men. Let's not keep silent when our sisters name abuse.

Seek silence

While we talk a lot about peace at this time of year, we may not necessarily get a lot of it in our lives. It can be a noisy time of year! Advertisements are blaring at us from all directions, touting the newest toys and gadgets for our gift-giving lists. Holiday tunes blare from every street corner and in every store. There is no peace.

And most likely, our schedules are jammed with events and our own to-do lists. Sometimes, doesn't it make you want to run away or hide?

So here's a thought: Seek out some quiet, some silence, in the midst of all the hustle, bustle and noise. As author and public speaker Deepak Chopra says: "Silence is the great teacher, and to learn its lessons you must pay attention to it. There is no substitute for the creative inspiration, knowledge, and stability that come from knowing how to contact your core of inner silence."

Ah, yes, there is no substitute. So let's stop—and pay attention. Try a few moments of silence. You'll reduce your stress and increase your joy.

Mindfulness, meditation & stillness

So much is said and written these days about mindfulness and meditation—how it can reduce our stress and open us up to greater creativity. Such a variety of practices exist for both these things, so it's wise to find whatever works for you.

Some mindfulness practices are physical. Some are not. And meditation practices differ. Some encourage you to simply concentrate on your (deep) breathing and keep your mind blank and free from thoughts. I don't know about you, but I've never been able to totally keep my mind free from thoughts. Attention to breathing and repeating a phrase, or mantra, reduces the activity of my brain for a time. But that's the best I can do.

So when I read this in Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection, I resonated: "Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it's about creating a clearing. It's opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question."

She goes on to say: "Once we can let go of our assumptions about what stillness is supposed to look like and find a way to create a clearing that works for us, we stand a better chance of opening ourselves up...."

If you're able to go completely still (inside and out), more power to you. Keep it up. But if you're not, perhaps Brown's way of "creating a clearing" may work better for you. I can envision my mind like a room full of clutter—and begin to clear out some of the stuff to make room for dreams and questions. That works for me. How about you?

Two things to remember for listening

I've noticed how little actual listening goes on these days. Have you?

Have you ever shared a story only to have the listener dive in with his own story the second you take a breath? You don't feel heard, right? Or perhaps the listener gave advice when all you wanted was for her to hear you. Worse yet, the listener told about a similar situation with an absolutely devastating outcome, thus striking fear into your heart. Not helpful!

I wonder whether we all need courses in listening. I am always so heartened when a friend listens deeply as I share a story—and when he asks questions that show he's really heard what I said and is interested. I feel so loved, respected and heard. On the contrary, when I share my story and the other person launches into a lengthy account of her own, I feel disregarded and diminished.

Perhaps true listening is a lost art. As I said in my last ezine (if you don't receive these, sign up for them in the space on the right where it says "Subscribe to our mailing list"), it's important to remember two things:

1) Remember that the words "listen" and "silent" contain the same letters. They are related in other ways, too!

2) We have two ears and one mouth—a good ratio for better listening.

Laughter and tears

Last week we were stunned by the death of comedian and actor Robin Williams. This extremely gifted actor had made many of us laugh through the years—and had also brought to life serious subjects in his many roles. This brings to mind what Bob Hope once said, "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

Yet, though Williams had the ability to "transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable," he apparently suffered from severe depression. We never know what lies underneath the jokes and laughter, do we? In fact, I have heard it said that clowns are sometimes the saddest of people.

What I hope may come from the untimely death of Williams is some broad and deep discussion on the topic of depression, from which an estimated one in 10 U.S. adults suffers, according to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report. Despite those high numbers (which are on the increase, according to statistics), the illness still carries with it a stigma that is not attached to such things as cancer, heart disease, diabetes or any other illness. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that stigma could be shed so that more people would feel free to seek help and would feel supported by family and friends?

If you are one of those who suffers from any form of depression, I encourage you to find the help you need. In addition, if you are able, please share your story with others so we can raise awareness. It's 2014. It's really time to let go of the stigma that surrounds this painful and sometimes debilitating illness. It's time to be silent no more—to shed some light on this topic that's so painful for so many.

Presence: What a gift

Several things in my life recently have reminded me of the power of presence.

I have had times in my life when a difficult relationship or a miserable office situation simply ground me down. I needed to have close family and friends who would listen me (and love me) through it. I didn't necessarily want nor need advice. I wanted to be validated for what I felt, and I wanted to be heard. In short, I wanted the power of presence—the presence of those in my close inner circle.

Have you experienced that, too? And have you ever had a time when you described a difficult situation to a close friend and that friend had all sorts of advice on what you should and shouldn't do? And it was absolutely the wrong thing, even if the intent was nothing but good? Most often, you and I aren't looking for advice or solutions when we share experiences and our feelings about them. If we do want advice or ideas, you and I know how to ask for that. If we don't ask, chances are pretty great we simply want to be heard. So it's good for us to remember that when others come to us with their tales of woe. Listen, listen, listen. Remember, just being present to your friend or family member is a gift. Validating their experience and feelings is a huge gift. Often that's all it takes for any of us to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again!

And remember: The words "listen" and "silent" have the exact same letters. To really listen to someone else requires us to be silent. And to be silent means to listen with our ears—and our hearts. 

The power of presence—it's an amazing gift.

Shhhhhhh...Are You Drowning in Sound?

We are surrounded with dozens and dozens of media messages every day. Loud, persistent messages. Messages that drown out our inner wisdom.

How can we ever expect to hear our own voices when we’re surrounded with this din? How can we access our inner wisdom when we can’t hear ourselves think?

Silence really is golden
I invite you to create time and space for some quiet in your life. Find a spot in your home that’s comfortable and inviting. And quiet! Make time (even if you have to pencil it into your too-full appointment book) for yourself.

Have no agenda other than to be silent and listen. Do you realize that those two words have the same letters? They’re just in a different order. How connected those words are! We can’t possibly really listen unless we are silent.

Perhaps you’ll want to simply do deep breathing, using a mantra such as: Breathe in, saying, “I breathe in peace”—and breathe out, saying, “I breathe out stress.” Or whatever words work for you to get calm and quiet your mind and body.

Or you may like to journal and write (or draw) what thoughts and feelings emerge as you go silent.

Let thoughts pass through
As external thoughts enter your mind, don’t worry about blocking them. Simply let them pass through and let them go. If it helps you to quietly say a word, such as “calm” or “love,” to draw your attention back inside, do that whenever you get distracted.

Just that process of sitting quietly for a few minutes each day or several times a week will be good for your spirit (and your body). And you might be surprised what you’ll learn when you listen for your own inner wisdom! There’s a deep well inside us; we just don’t often go silent and listen to see what’s there.