I know many women who have experienced sexual assault. I also know many who were "triggered" (memories of abuse surfaced and women felt re-traumatized) by the Brent Kavanaugh hearings when he was nominated and then placed on the U.S. Supreme Court.
It was extremely painful to hear Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's quiet testimony about her experience of assault and then to watch as she was dismissed by lawmakers and others. It was just another reminder of how much work we women and all men of good will have yet to do on the subject of sexual assault. If we want to rid this country of its rape culture, we must pay attention to how we treat those who dare to come forward with their stories.
Just recently, I read a good piece on the subject of being triggered that listed 4 ways to care for yourself if that happened to you during the Kavanaugh hearings:
1) Stop, breathe and be. The article recommended turning the TV or computer off, taking deep breaths and being still.
2) Share your feelings and step away from the internet. This recommendation is for both women and men who have been assaulted and encourages talking with people you trust and doing things that are relaxing and make you happy. Stay away from the news for a while.
3) Connect with the present. Ground yourself by noticing things you can touch, see, hear, smell and feel.
4) Don't try to numb your pain. Instead, healthy remedies are suggested, things such as yoga, exercise or sleep.
As always, self-care is so essential—whether you were triggered or whether the whole process last month upset you and offended your sense of justice.
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Gratitude for a privilege
I've never wanted my coaching business or my website to be political. And this blog most definitely is not a partisan one. But I do want to take this platform and this time to urge you to please go out and VOTE if you have not already done so. Be grateful that you are able to do so.
We are blessed in this country to have a democracy rather than an authoritarian regime. We are blessed to have the privilege—and the responsibility—to vote for those who will govern and lead us. People in many other countries of the world would be thrilled to have this right and responsibility.
And for those of us who are women, it's especially important to remember that it was only in 1920 that we won the right to vote. That privilege was hard-won and came after decades of a women's suffrage movement that saw women arrested, imprisoned, beaten, spit upon as they marched and protested, kicked out of their homes and families by husbands who were violently opposed to women getting the vote, force-fed in prison during hunger strikes (because the optics wouldn't be good for male leaders of the country who feared deaths could lead to sympathy for the suffragettes and their cause), losing jobs and more.
In one case in 1862 the Chief Justice of the North Carolina Supreme Court denied a divorce to a woman whose husband had horsewhipped her. The justice said, "The law gives the husband power to use such a degree of force necessary to make the wife behave and know her place."
We may take our rights for granted. But we shouldn't. We stand on the shoulders of those courageous women who fought for our rights. We have been empowered by their bravery! So let's be grateful—and let's exercise our rights!
We are blessed in this country to have a democracy rather than an authoritarian regime. We are blessed to have the privilege—and the responsibility—to vote for those who will govern and lead us. People in many other countries of the world would be thrilled to have this right and responsibility.
And for those of us who are women, it's especially important to remember that it was only in 1920 that we won the right to vote. That privilege was hard-won and came after decades of a women's suffrage movement that saw women arrested, imprisoned, beaten, spit upon as they marched and protested, kicked out of their homes and families by husbands who were violently opposed to women getting the vote, force-fed in prison during hunger strikes (because the optics wouldn't be good for male leaders of the country who feared deaths could lead to sympathy for the suffragettes and their cause), losing jobs and more.
In one case in 1862 the Chief Justice of the North Carolina Supreme Court denied a divorce to a woman whose husband had horsewhipped her. The justice said, "The law gives the husband power to use such a degree of force necessary to make the wife behave and know her place."
We may take our rights for granted. But we shouldn't. We stand on the shoulders of those courageous women who fought for our rights. We have been empowered by their bravery! So let's be grateful—and let's exercise our rights!
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Speaking up feels authentic
I believe in authenticity. The older I become, the more important it is to me to be authentic and true to who I am and what I value. Sometimes that deep calling comes into conflict with my desire to maintain serenity and equanimity. That's been happening for me this week.
Ever since a woman came forward with accusations against the current Supreme Court nominee, her life has been scrutinized. She's been ridiculed and accused of vengeful behavior and worse; several lies have been circulated about her. She has even received death threats! She's being what we now call slut-shamed because she dared come forward and accuse a man who has risen to a high level.
I remember vividly in 1991 when Anita Hill went through this same thing, and I wonder why women are still being re-victimized simply for coming forward with their stories of abuse or rape. As a woman, I have strong feelings about this; and I have been so pleased to see the "Me, Too" movement take hold. It's been long overdue. But the behavior persists.
Here's the thing. I don't want to be upset about everything that I hear on the news (although there's plenty about which to be upset these days). I don't want to always see the glass half empty. I want to live in hope. I want to remain positive. However, I also want to be true to my beliefs and my values. And to tell the truth, I am way beyond sick and tired of the way women have been treated for centuries—the way we're devalued even yet in this country. So I simply have to speak out about it. I cannot sit by and watch the slut-shaming circus without saying something. That may make me a trouble-maker. But history shows that much change has come because of "trouble-makers."
So I'm going on record here (and on social media and my friendship circles) to call people out when they do this to women. Enough already. This needs to stop! Women are human and deserve respect just as do men. Let's not keep silent when our sisters name abuse.
Ever since a woman came forward with accusations against the current Supreme Court nominee, her life has been scrutinized. She's been ridiculed and accused of vengeful behavior and worse; several lies have been circulated about her. She has even received death threats! She's being what we now call slut-shamed because she dared come forward and accuse a man who has risen to a high level.
I remember vividly in 1991 when Anita Hill went through this same thing, and I wonder why women are still being re-victimized simply for coming forward with their stories of abuse or rape. As a woman, I have strong feelings about this; and I have been so pleased to see the "Me, Too" movement take hold. It's been long overdue. But the behavior persists.
Here's the thing. I don't want to be upset about everything that I hear on the news (although there's plenty about which to be upset these days). I don't want to always see the glass half empty. I want to live in hope. I want to remain positive. However, I also want to be true to my beliefs and my values. And to tell the truth, I am way beyond sick and tired of the way women have been treated for centuries—the way we're devalued even yet in this country. So I simply have to speak out about it. I cannot sit by and watch the slut-shaming circus without saying something. That may make me a trouble-maker. But history shows that much change has come because of "trouble-makers."
So I'm going on record here (and on social media and my friendship circles) to call people out when they do this to women. Enough already. This needs to stop! Women are human and deserve respect just as do men. Let's not keep silent when our sisters name abuse.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Loving & accepting yourself
As you age, are you becoming more comfortable in your own skin? So many of us as women lack confidence when we're young. We try so hard to fit in, to conform to society's standards for women or to what others in our life say we should be. Many of us learn later in life how to love and accept ourselves.
Finally, finally, we learn that it's far better to be authentic! To just be ourselves and feel great about it.
I've long liked what author and psychiatrist Jean Shinoda Bolen says about that in her book Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women. Bolen is trying to resurrect the original meaning of the word "crone," which is a wise woman or an elder.
Here's what she says: "To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows."
Yes, oh yes. I love this stage of life with its increasing comfort of knowing and accepting who I am, flaws and all. Doing so also leads us to be more gentle with others and to feel compassion. What about you? Are you feeling it?
Finally, finally, we learn that it's far better to be authentic! To just be ourselves and feel great about it.
I've long liked what author and psychiatrist Jean Shinoda Bolen says about that in her book Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women. Bolen is trying to resurrect the original meaning of the word "crone," which is a wise woman or an elder.
Here's what she says: "To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows."
Yes, oh yes. I love this stage of life with its increasing comfort of knowing and accepting who I am, flaws and all. Doing so also leads us to be more gentle with others and to feel compassion. What about you? Are you feeling it?
Monday, October 30, 2017
So what's next?
Last Friday we discussed the exploding "Me too" movement that followed the allegations of sexual abuse and harrassment by film mogul Harvey Weinstein over decades. Thousands and thousands of women are coming forward with similar stories across career fields and venues.
As someone said on Facebook, "There can't be a woman alive who hasn't experienced abuse, harassment, or intimidation, whether it be sexual, verbal or psychological." It happens in workplaces, in the military, in the church and in a wide range of venues. As we watch the explosion of "Me too" comments on social media, we can see the prevalence of abusive behavior in our society.
Now that we're more aware of how widespread this is, the next question is: "Now what will we do about this pervasive predatory behavior—and the climate that has made it OK?"
Awareness is essential. But now what? This must lead to change. It is way beyond time to put focus on the victims (and keep re-victimizing them by shining the spotlight on them)—and high time we focus on the predatory behavior that's so pervasive. It's time we look at the reasons we tolerate this outrageous behavior. Why has it been allowed to go on for decades—or really, for centuries?
As women and, I might add, also men of good will, let's add our voices to the mix and push for real change. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to find your voice and add it to the comment box below.
As someone said on Facebook, "There can't be a woman alive who hasn't experienced abuse, harassment, or intimidation, whether it be sexual, verbal or psychological." It happens in workplaces, in the military, in the church and in a wide range of venues. As we watch the explosion of "Me too" comments on social media, we can see the prevalence of abusive behavior in our society.
Now that we're more aware of how widespread this is, the next question is: "Now what will we do about this pervasive predatory behavior—and the climate that has made it OK?"
Awareness is essential. But now what? This must lead to change. It is way beyond time to put focus on the victims (and keep re-victimizing them by shining the spotlight on them)—and high time we focus on the predatory behavior that's so pervasive. It's time we look at the reasons we tolerate this outrageous behavior. Why has it been allowed to go on for decades—or really, for centuries?
As women and, I might add, also men of good will, let's add our voices to the mix and push for real change. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Please feel free to find your voice and add it to the comment box below.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Women finding their voices
If you've been awake at all these past few weeks, you will have heard of the "Me too" movement. When victims of movie producer Harvey Weinstein began coming forward with their stories of his sexual abuse and harassment, social media exploded. In huge numbers, women came forward with their own stories of abuse not only in Hollywood but in every career field and venue imaginable. What courage this takes!
Women began posting on their social media profiles that they had been victimized, and they encouraged others to simply put the words, "Me too" in the comment box and on their profile pages. The idea is simply to raise awareness of the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault in our society—to get women (and men, too) to raise their hands and say they have been affected. As The Atlantic put it, "There's a monumental amount of work to be done in confronting a climate of serial sexual predation—one in which women are belittled and undermined and abused and sometimes pushed out of their industries altogether. But uncovering the colossal scale of the problem is revolutionary in its own right."
The problem of sexual predation is an old one and runs deep in our society. It has been allowed to continue because of shame and secrecy. Victims are afraid to come forward because they'll be re-victimized, whether that be in the media, in the court system, by police or even by friends and family. Years ago in my life as a journalist, I interviewed dozens of victims of clergy sexual abuse. I was amazed by the number of church leaders and also church members who defended the abusive clergy and who blamed the victims. "She must've led him on." I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that! Abuse is never all right.
It's time for all this to stop. We women are finding our voices. That is powerful! We need to support and encourage each other in this. We need to empower each other. This absolutely needs to end. Women's lives do matter. And we need to add our voices to the huge chorus being raised these days. Me too!
Women began posting on their social media profiles that they had been victimized, and they encouraged others to simply put the words, "Me too" in the comment box and on their profile pages. The idea is simply to raise awareness of the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault in our society—to get women (and men, too) to raise their hands and say they have been affected. As The Atlantic put it, "There's a monumental amount of work to be done in confronting a climate of serial sexual predation—one in which women are belittled and undermined and abused and sometimes pushed out of their industries altogether. But uncovering the colossal scale of the problem is revolutionary in its own right."
The problem of sexual predation is an old one and runs deep in our society. It has been allowed to continue because of shame and secrecy. Victims are afraid to come forward because they'll be re-victimized, whether that be in the media, in the court system, by police or even by friends and family. Years ago in my life as a journalist, I interviewed dozens of victims of clergy sexual abuse. I was amazed by the number of church leaders and also church members who defended the abusive clergy and who blamed the victims. "She must've led him on." I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that! Abuse is never all right.
It's time for all this to stop. We women are finding our voices. That is powerful! We need to support and encourage each other in this. We need to empower each other. This absolutely needs to end. Women's lives do matter. And we need to add our voices to the huge chorus being raised these days. Me too!
Friday, September 1, 2017
Bound together as women
I used to wonder why women sometimes sabotage one another, turn on each other and generally treat other women in ways they'd never treat men in their lives. Then years ago I read several articles and books on the topic and learned about "horizontal violence," "the female face of patriarchy," women who are "male referented" and similar topics. I learned there are many reasons for this phenomenon. It's what I often call the "vying for a prom date" syndrome in women. It's not pretty, and it definitely feels horrible to be on the receiving end of this. I know—I've been there. And it isn't helpful to us moving forward as women in this culture or globally.
So when I re-read the words of Renita J. Weems from her book Just a Sister Away as repeated in Jan Richardson's book Sacred Journeys: A Woman's Book of Daily Prayer, they really caught my attention. Again.
"As black and white women in America, as Israeli and Lebanese women, as white South African and black South African women, as Asian and European women, as the wives of terrorists and the wives of victims of terrorists, working for righteousness in splendid isolation from one another is a luxury we cannot afford. Injustice in our lands relies upon the perpetual alienation of women from one another and upon relentless hostility between women. Indeed, our estrangement from one another continues to compromise the integrity of our witness as God-fearing women."
Wow! Yes, yes, yes. May we all learn how to care for and support each other as women—for as Heather McVoy says in a litany also found in Richardson's book, "...each woman's struggle is everywoman's burden."
Let's stand together and turn this around!
So when I re-read the words of Renita J. Weems from her book Just a Sister Away as repeated in Jan Richardson's book Sacred Journeys: A Woman's Book of Daily Prayer, they really caught my attention. Again.
"As black and white women in America, as Israeli and Lebanese women, as white South African and black South African women, as Asian and European women, as the wives of terrorists and the wives of victims of terrorists, working for righteousness in splendid isolation from one another is a luxury we cannot afford. Injustice in our lands relies upon the perpetual alienation of women from one another and upon relentless hostility between women. Indeed, our estrangement from one another continues to compromise the integrity of our witness as God-fearing women."
Wow! Yes, yes, yes. May we all learn how to care for and support each other as women—for as Heather McVoy says in a litany also found in Richardson's book, "...each woman's struggle is everywoman's burden."
Let's stand together and turn this around!
Friday, June 23, 2017
Let's hear it for friendships
We women are known for developing deep friendships that help sustain us through all the ups and downs of life. I cannot say enough about the value and importance of the friendship circles I enjoy with other women. I'm not sure I could have gotten this far without them.
It's important to remember to befriend oneself, too. I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said about that: "Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." It's the same as with love: to truly love others, we must begin by loving ourselves.
Family therapy pioneer and author Virginia Satir underscored the value of our friendships when she said: "I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them." Isn't that what friendship does for us?
If you have a circle of friends (or perhaps more than one circle), consider yourself blessed. And be sure to thank these people for being such a crucial part of your life. If you don't have such a circle, see whether it's possible to find one or start one. It's been said that friends divide our grief and double our joy. Yes, indeed!
It's important to remember to befriend oneself, too. I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said about that: "Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." It's the same as with love: to truly love others, we must begin by loving ourselves.
Family therapy pioneer and author Virginia Satir underscored the value of our friendships when she said: "I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them." Isn't that what friendship does for us?
If you have a circle of friends (or perhaps more than one circle), consider yourself blessed. And be sure to thank these people for being such a crucial part of your life. If you don't have such a circle, see whether it's possible to find one or start one. It's been said that friends divide our grief and double our joy. Yes, indeed!
Friday, May 12, 2017
Here's to women
This weekend is Mother's Day here in the U.S. It's a wonderful time to celebrate the roles of women, whether they have biological children or not.
Many women raise children born to other mothers. Many women nurture and nourish children who may not share a home with them but who live in other homes. Perhaps they're neighbors or children of friends. Perhaps they're students.
Many women give birth to things other than babies—books, art, projects, songs, ideas and creative pursuits of all kinds. Here's to those who birth dreams that nourish us all.
This weekend, give thanks to and for those women who raise children. And remember to give thanks to all those who in any way nourish you and help you grow, too!
Many women raise children born to other mothers. Many women nurture and nourish children who may not share a home with them but who live in other homes. Perhaps they're neighbors or children of friends. Perhaps they're students.
Many women give birth to things other than babies—books, art, projects, songs, ideas and creative pursuits of all kinds. Here's to those who birth dreams that nourish us all.
This weekend, give thanks to and for those women who raise children. And remember to give thanks to all those who in any way nourish you and help you grow, too!
Monday, April 24, 2017
Mentoring helps us soar
I wish I knew what book I copied this from, but I have a little slip of paper with the word "Mentor" at the top. Of course, that would've caught my eye. I have been mentored by other women (and a few men), and I have long done my own mentoring of other women and girls. So I like what this copy says:
"Take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly. Share what you know—and how you learned it. Show her whom to watch out for—and precisely why. Lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. Tell her what she'll never read in the manual. Maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. Maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. ... Stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it—and far enough away to give her room to fall if she must. Tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar." (I just regret that I don't know the source of this so I can give credit.)
Yes, oh, yes! "Help her learn to fly." "Stay close enough ... and far enough away...." "...you want to see her soar." Each of us needs all the help we can get. It matters not whether we as mentor are older or younger. We can each learn from the other. Most often, mentoring is a mutually beneficial experience.
Think about who has mentored you. Give thanks for that. And who are you mentoring now? Who might you mentor? We need all the help we can get so we can truly soar.
"Take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly. Share what you know—and how you learned it. Show her whom to watch out for—and precisely why. Lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. Tell her what she'll never read in the manual. Maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. Maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. ... Stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it—and far enough away to give her room to fall if she must. Tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar." (I just regret that I don't know the source of this so I can give credit.)
Yes, oh, yes! "Help her learn to fly." "Stay close enough ... and far enough away...." "...you want to see her soar." Each of us needs all the help we can get. It matters not whether we as mentor are older or younger. We can each learn from the other. Most often, mentoring is a mutually beneficial experience.
Think about who has mentored you. Give thanks for that. And who are you mentoring now? Who might you mentor? We need all the help we can get so we can truly soar.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Going in circles
I like the idea of a circle. One of my early memories is going with Mom to her church women's circle. The ladies' group in our church was broken into several smaller groups called circles. Each took the name of a biblical woman. They did Bible studies, worked on service projects, made quilts for the needy and so much more. And now that I'm older and look back on those gatherings, I realize these women supported and cared for one another. Those circles were places where they could tell their stories, where they could feel safe and be with others whose lives were similar and who understood. They "got it." Surely these circles were a precursor to the various ways women still gather today to support each other.
Women meet for lunch. They gather after work for wine and a sharing of lives. They form book clubs that are part book discussion and part support group. Women have dozens of ways to gather, share and support.
I've been part of women's spirituality groups and today am part of three different "circles" of women in addition to my weekly Bible study group. The women in these groups inspire me to be my best. They support me when I'm not. We hear each other's stories, learn, care, laugh, cry and support each other ... and more.
Circles speak of connection, wholeness, equality, infinity. Circles are so different from triangles, where someone is at the top as an expert. With circles, everyone is assumed to have a piece of the wisdom. And that is definitely true. No one has all the wisdom. When we put our pieces together, we have so much more than we would have alone.
Women meet for lunch. They gather after work for wine and a sharing of lives. They form book clubs that are part book discussion and part support group. Women have dozens of ways to gather, share and support.
I've been part of women's spirituality groups and today am part of three different "circles" of women in addition to my weekly Bible study group. The women in these groups inspire me to be my best. They support me when I'm not. We hear each other's stories, learn, care, laugh, cry and support each other ... and more.
Circles speak of connection, wholeness, equality, infinity. Circles are so different from triangles, where someone is at the top as an expert. With circles, everyone is assumed to have a piece of the wisdom. And that is definitely true. No one has all the wisdom. When we put our pieces together, we have so much more than we would have alone.
Friday, March 3, 2017
Thank those who pave the way
Do you ever think about the women who have gone before us to pave the way? About those women who fought injustice in its different forms so we might have the freedoms and rights we enjoy today? And do you thank them?
Nearly every time I vote, for example, I remember the stories of women who marched, gave speeches, wrote papers, beseeched the U.S. Congress and the president—and who for their efforts, were excoriated, imprisoned, force fed, chased from their homes and families. I'm so grateful for those women—and for those men who stood with them.
I remember several years ago when I prepared a keynote address for a women's group, using the biblical story of Queen Esther as a guide, how surprised I was to see at the start of the book of Esther a mention of the queen who preceded her—Queen Vashti. Somehow I hadn't really heard about her. Vashti was a brave woman who may well have paved the way for Esther to do what she did to save her people. (Read Esther, chapter 1, to see how Vashti bravely just said "No" to the king and his drunken request, enduring his wrath and banishment.)
So many women who preceded us. So many brave acts. As author Renita J. Weems says in Just a Sister Away: "If the truth be told, we today are who we are—if we are anybody—because some woman, somewhere, stooped down long enough that we might climb on her back and ride piggyback into the future."
Who has stooped down for you? And for whom have you stooped down?
Nearly every time I vote, for example, I remember the stories of women who marched, gave speeches, wrote papers, beseeched the U.S. Congress and the president—and who for their efforts, were excoriated, imprisoned, force fed, chased from their homes and families. I'm so grateful for those women—and for those men who stood with them.
I remember several years ago when I prepared a keynote address for a women's group, using the biblical story of Queen Esther as a guide, how surprised I was to see at the start of the book of Esther a mention of the queen who preceded her—Queen Vashti. Somehow I hadn't really heard about her. Vashti was a brave woman who may well have paved the way for Esther to do what she did to save her people. (Read Esther, chapter 1, to see how Vashti bravely just said "No" to the king and his drunken request, enduring his wrath and banishment.)
So many women who preceded us. So many brave acts. As author Renita J. Weems says in Just a Sister Away: "If the truth be told, we today are who we are—if we are anybody—because some woman, somewhere, stooped down long enough that we might climb on her back and ride piggyback into the future."
Who has stooped down for you? And for whom have you stooped down?
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Now for some lighter fare
Today is a good day for a fun factoid. With all the heavy political news and violence surrounding us in the world, some lighter fare might be in order!
Since a fear of strong women still seems to exist and since comments such as, "She wears the pants in that family" still get tossed around, it seemed fitting to take a look at when pants first began to be worn by women. I'll bet you can't even guess. I know I would never have guessed correctly.
A fascinating book my niece gave me several years ago, Uppity Women of Ancient Times by Vicki Leon, tells the story of the Chaldean princess Semiramis, who married King Shamsi-Adad Five of Assyria. Semiramis is the one who came up with a prototype for pants suitable for women—well over 2,800 years ago! She led the way in building a new system of canals and dikes to irrigate the flatland nearby, and she also led military expeditions against the Medes. So you can see that she wouldn't have found those tasks easy in the long, flowing gowns most often worn then.
So if you are grateful that you're able to wear slacks or jeans, you might want to mouth a silent thank you to Semiramis. I don't know about you, but I'm grateful for her idea ... and for those down through history that kept this trend going and refined it.
I hope you enjoyed this little break from hard news and problem-solving!
Since a fear of strong women still seems to exist and since comments such as, "She wears the pants in that family" still get tossed around, it seemed fitting to take a look at when pants first began to be worn by women. I'll bet you can't even guess. I know I would never have guessed correctly.
A fascinating book my niece gave me several years ago, Uppity Women of Ancient Times by Vicki Leon, tells the story of the Chaldean princess Semiramis, who married King Shamsi-Adad Five of Assyria. Semiramis is the one who came up with a prototype for pants suitable for women—well over 2,800 years ago! She led the way in building a new system of canals and dikes to irrigate the flatland nearby, and she also led military expeditions against the Medes. So you can see that she wouldn't have found those tasks easy in the long, flowing gowns most often worn then.
So if you are grateful that you're able to wear slacks or jeans, you might want to mouth a silent thank you to Semiramis. I don't know about you, but I'm grateful for her idea ... and for those down through history that kept this trend going and refined it.
I hope you enjoyed this little break from hard news and problem-solving!
Monday, January 23, 2017
How wonderful is this thing called aging!
Large numbers of women are trying to reclaim the word "crone," which in ancient times was a respected female elder in a community. Since then it has gathered up negative connotations and spurred images of a witch with warts stirring a pot and concocting some type of potion. In reality, it means a woman comfortable in her own skin who has found her voice and uses it. She's a wise, older woman.
Much is written about crones as a positive force today. So when I read in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick these words, I really resonated: "To the Crone, detachment is not indifference. It means she has lived and suffered, and, having suffered, can draw back and see with her heart."
After I read that for the first time, I added these additional words on the page: "...and seeing with her heart, she can speak her truth no matter who doesn't want to hear it."
Isn't it wonderful to reach the age and stage of life where you feel comfortable in your skin, where you like who you are, where you have found your voice and now dare to speak out and use it? We have suffered much and have many scars, inside and out, to prove it. But now we can see with our hearts. And we can detach and let go—something very different from being indifferent.
Much is written about crones as a positive force today. So when I read in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul by Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick these words, I really resonated: "To the Crone, detachment is not indifference. It means she has lived and suffered, and, having suffered, can draw back and see with her heart."
After I read that for the first time, I added these additional words on the page: "...and seeing with her heart, she can speak her truth no matter who doesn't want to hear it."
Isn't it wonderful to reach the age and stage of life where you feel comfortable in your skin, where you like who you are, where you have found your voice and now dare to speak out and use it? We have suffered much and have many scars, inside and out, to prove it. But now we can see with our hearts. And we can detach and let go—something very different from being indifferent.
Friday, November 4, 2016
A giant support system on Facebook
Something powerful is occurring on Facebook these days. Again, whether you agree with Hillary Clinton's politics or not, this might be something you could applaud. A woman named Libby Chamberlain, 33, began a movement on Facebook because of Hillary's preference for wearing pantsuits. She created a special Facebook page titled National Pantsuit Day November 8. On this specially created page, I'm seeing an amazing support system develop right in front of my eyes.
What's happening on this social media site is that individual women are feeling safe enough on that page (and you have to be invited to join so not just anyone can see the posts) that they're telling their stories. Stories of abuse. Stories of threatening behavior by strangers. Stores of incest, parental denial, violence of all types. Stories of bad decisions and efforts to get back on track. Stories enough and tears enough to fill a landfill!And yet inspiring stories of courage and survival.
But here's the beautiful part: Hundreds of other women—and a few good men—are leaving supportive and encouraging comments on the site in response to those individual stories. It's like a gigantic support group where people feel safe enough to share their secrets and their pain—and in turn, they receive love, virtual hugs, support, encouragement and kudos for their courage and their ability to survive. When I scroll through the messages, I can just feel the energy flying off the computer screen and coursing through my body. It is incredibly powerful and inspiring!
This is how we should be. This is the best of human behavior. And, frankly, this is one of the best uses of social media.
What's happening on this social media site is that individual women are feeling safe enough on that page (and you have to be invited to join so not just anyone can see the posts) that they're telling their stories. Stories of abuse. Stories of threatening behavior by strangers. Stores of incest, parental denial, violence of all types. Stories of bad decisions and efforts to get back on track. Stories enough and tears enough to fill a landfill!And yet inspiring stories of courage and survival.
But here's the beautiful part: Hundreds of other women—and a few good men—are leaving supportive and encouraging comments on the site in response to those individual stories. It's like a gigantic support group where people feel safe enough to share their secrets and their pain—and in turn, they receive love, virtual hugs, support, encouragement and kudos for their courage and their ability to survive. When I scroll through the messages, I can just feel the energy flying off the computer screen and coursing through my body. It is incredibly powerful and inspiring!
This is how we should be. This is the best of human behavior. And, frankly, this is one of the best uses of social media.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Holding up half the sky
No matter what you may think of any of the candidates running for U.S. president this year, I hope you agree with me that it is significant that a woman is one of the major party candidates. It's a first. I think of the fact that when my beloved mother was born in 1911, women didn't even have the right to vote. And several women suffered greatly so we could, finally, attain that right. I think of the fact that some other countries of the world already have had a female leader, and we haven't. I think about the fact that none of us is free until all are free—and that in many parts of the world, girls cannot receive an education and they aren't free. In many places around the globe, girls are viewed as property and have no rights or voice. They are trafficked all around the globe, including right here in our own country. I think of the ancient Chinese proverb, "Women hold up half the sky" and its image of women fully bringing their gifts to the task just as do men.
Some days I just don't know what to make of all this. I rejoice in the victories women and girls attain. I celebrate with my five granddaughters that they're able to imagine and dream things I couldn't—and that my mother never dreamed possible. And yet I still carry the scars of women saying behind my back, "Who does she think she is?" as I tried to move from a magazine managing editor into the editor position. And I cringe when today I hear hateful comments such as, "Trump the _itch!" We've come far. And we have so, so far to go.
Where do we go with all of these extremes? How do we reach a point where all the world's girls and women receive education, respect and every opportunity afforded the other half of the world's population? What will it take? How might we ensure this? I am so passionate about the importance of this. I would dearly love to hear your ideas in the Comment Box below. Or if not there, send your ideas to me at: sonia@waytogrowcoaching.com.
Some days I just don't know what to make of all this. I rejoice in the victories women and girls attain. I celebrate with my five granddaughters that they're able to imagine and dream things I couldn't—and that my mother never dreamed possible. And yet I still carry the scars of women saying behind my back, "Who does she think she is?" as I tried to move from a magazine managing editor into the editor position. And I cringe when today I hear hateful comments such as, "Trump the _itch!" We've come far. And we have so, so far to go.
Where do we go with all of these extremes? How do we reach a point where all the world's girls and women receive education, respect and every opportunity afforded the other half of the world's population? What will it take? How might we ensure this? I am so passionate about the importance of this. I would dearly love to hear your ideas in the Comment Box below. Or if not there, send your ideas to me at: sonia@waytogrowcoaching.com.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Women's dirty little secret
On Monday night my book club group discussed a lighter-weight book than we usually do. We'd had several heavy ones in a row, including a few World War II stories. This was more of a beach read:
The Girls of August by Anne Rivers Siddons.
I'm not sure what we expected from a light read such as this, but the discussion took us to interesting places. We talked about women's dirty little secret: the way we treat each other when we feel threatened or insecure. Some women shared painful experiences from childhood, when they were shunned or bullied by other girls. Others shared workplace experiences of the ways women can be vindictive—the ways we sabotage each other and fail to support and encourage. Some said they'd rather work for a man any day. Isn't that sad? But I understand the sentiment.
On the one hand, women are so relationship-oriented; and our friendships go deep. We'll do anything for a good friend—and we're there to comfort and encourage. At the same time, we sometimes get into what I call the "vying for the prom-date syndrome" and become competitive and vindictive, cutting each other down. We can be "catty," as one woman called it Monday night.
We kept asking why. Why are we women like that sometimes? Is it because we've never been taught how to compete like men do? Is it because we're conditioned to not show anger, to not be competitive—but instead to be "nice"? Is it because we're so relational? Is that why we carry grudges and hold on to things for so long, often nurturing the idea of revenge in our hearts?
We didn't have the definitive answer Monday night. But we came up with some possibilities—and it leaves us all more aware of how we treat other women. We need each other. We need to support and encourage one another. That's truly our best side!
The Girls of August by Anne Rivers Siddons.
I'm not sure what we expected from a light read such as this, but the discussion took us to interesting places. We talked about women's dirty little secret: the way we treat each other when we feel threatened or insecure. Some women shared painful experiences from childhood, when they were shunned or bullied by other girls. Others shared workplace experiences of the ways women can be vindictive—the ways we sabotage each other and fail to support and encourage. Some said they'd rather work for a man any day. Isn't that sad? But I understand the sentiment.
On the one hand, women are so relationship-oriented; and our friendships go deep. We'll do anything for a good friend—and we're there to comfort and encourage. At the same time, we sometimes get into what I call the "vying for the prom-date syndrome" and become competitive and vindictive, cutting each other down. We can be "catty," as one woman called it Monday night.
We kept asking why. Why are we women like that sometimes? Is it because we've never been taught how to compete like men do? Is it because we're conditioned to not show anger, to not be competitive—but instead to be "nice"? Is it because we're so relational? Is that why we carry grudges and hold on to things for so long, often nurturing the idea of revenge in our hearts?
We didn't have the definitive answer Monday night. But we came up with some possibilities—and it leaves us all more aware of how we treat other women. We need each other. We need to support and encourage one another. That's truly our best side!
Friday, October 14, 2016
Where's the justice for women?
Today I'm really at a loss as to what to write. This week has been a
difficult one for us as women. So much talk about sexual assault. So
much ignorance about it. Denial about how much it occurs in our society.
Calls to repeal the 19th amendment. Women called liars when they report
sexual assault and abuse.
I must confess it hits a lot of the hot buttons for me. I care deeply about justice and have spoken out for years on the issue of justice for women. So this is difficult for me. You, too?
I am a word person. So typically I'm not at a loss for words. But these days there simply are no words. No words! I'm heartbroken for all the women who won't be believed when they tell their stories of abuse and assault. I worry that they won't find safe places where they can heal. I'm frightened for what this says about us as a society. And I feel helpless. I honestly am not sure what to say or do that will shed light on the situation and not just heat.
Any of you have insights on this?
I must confess it hits a lot of the hot buttons for me. I care deeply about justice and have spoken out for years on the issue of justice for women. So this is difficult for me. You, too?
I am a word person. So typically I'm not at a loss for words. But these days there simply are no words. No words! I'm heartbroken for all the women who won't be believed when they tell their stories of abuse and assault. I worry that they won't find safe places where they can heal. I'm frightened for what this says about us as a society. And I feel helpless. I honestly am not sure what to say or do that will shed light on the situation and not just heat.
Any of you have insights on this?
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Here's to interdependence
Yesterday I mentioned a book on retirement that's been helpful to me and to others: Women Confronting Retirement: A Nontraditional Guide.
Two of the 38 women whose stories of retirement fill the pages, Nancy Dailey and Kelly O'Brien, highlight one of their discoveries about baby boom women: "We rejected dependence and sought independence—through education, paid work and pursuits outside of the home, within our marriages, or through divorce. Ironically, what may serve us best in retirement is interdependence. Our economic progress through entry into the paid labor force has not guaranteed us financial independence by any means. Rather, what has been created is financial interdependence—with our spouses, our extended families, our children, and, for many women, with a close social network of friends. ...The notion of interdependence will be a dominant theme for baby boom women in retirement for every significant aspect of her life: economic, relational, physical, and psychological.
"The real risk for baby boom women is not in making bad investment decisions. Rather, our retirement prospects hinge on our ability to 'age successfully' by gracefully embracing interdependence and building relationships that will stand the test of growing old."
I like those thoughts. Interdependence may well serve us best as we age. It makes sense. And building relationships is something we women value anyway. The skills we have in that area will serve us well into retirement and beyond.
Two of the 38 women whose stories of retirement fill the pages, Nancy Dailey and Kelly O'Brien, highlight one of their discoveries about baby boom women: "We rejected dependence and sought independence—through education, paid work and pursuits outside of the home, within our marriages, or through divorce. Ironically, what may serve us best in retirement is interdependence. Our economic progress through entry into the paid labor force has not guaranteed us financial independence by any means. Rather, what has been created is financial interdependence—with our spouses, our extended families, our children, and, for many women, with a close social network of friends. ...The notion of interdependence will be a dominant theme for baby boom women in retirement for every significant aspect of her life: economic, relational, physical, and psychological.
"The real risk for baby boom women is not in making bad investment decisions. Rather, our retirement prospects hinge on our ability to 'age successfully' by gracefully embracing interdependence and building relationships that will stand the test of growing old."
I like those thoughts. Interdependence may well serve us best as we age. It makes sense. And building relationships is something we women value anyway. The skills we have in that area will serve us well into retirement and beyond.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
No gender limits
Whether you're a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or simply a friend of young children, you have an opportunity to help them follow their dreams. You can be an encourager of children and their dreams, and you can help them to understand that gender does not have to limit their dreams or expectations. Encourage them to be whatever they want to be when they grow up.
An experiment in the United Kingdom asked children in a classroom to draw pictures of people at work in specific occupations: One was a firefighter. One was a surgeon. And one was a fighter pilot. Not surprisingly, of the 66 children's drawings, 61 of them showed pictures of males in each of those jobs. Only 5 of the pictures were of women in those jobs.
Then to the surprise of the children, the teacher welcomed into the classroom three people who did such jobs. Each of the workers was a woman. The children were then encouraged to ask questions and try on the helmets, stethoscope, etc., of the female workers. This was meant to help shatter the stereotypes and encourage the children.
Researchers say that gender stereotypes set in by the time children are ages 5 to 7. So it's not too early to help children understand that they can pursue their dreams, no matter what they wish to be. It's important to not limit their views and their aspirations. Find a child to encourage today!
An experiment in the United Kingdom asked children in a classroom to draw pictures of people at work in specific occupations: One was a firefighter. One was a surgeon. And one was a fighter pilot. Not surprisingly, of the 66 children's drawings, 61 of them showed pictures of males in each of those jobs. Only 5 of the pictures were of women in those jobs.
Then to the surprise of the children, the teacher welcomed into the classroom three people who did such jobs. Each of the workers was a woman. The children were then encouraged to ask questions and try on the helmets, stethoscope, etc., of the female workers. This was meant to help shatter the stereotypes and encourage the children.
Researchers say that gender stereotypes set in by the time children are ages 5 to 7. So it's not too early to help children understand that they can pursue their dreams, no matter what they wish to be. It's important to not limit their views and their aspirations. Find a child to encourage today!
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