Fears are real and normal

Why do we always think we need to deny our fears and act tough, as though they aren't bringing us down? Both men and women can be hard on themselves when it comes to fears. Fears are normal—and actually, it's healthy to feel fear. Some things ought to be feared: fire, floods, violence, a stampeding elephant or bull. Oh, yes, it's quite silly to stand in the face of any of those things and dare them to harm you! But there are other things in life that are feared, too, and this can differ for each of us.

Admit to fear. Then see what your best course of action might be. Do you need to simply face the fear and do what's needed anyway? Do you need to call on outside resources to help you? If so, please do so. There's no shame in that. Or do you need to just give yourself some self-care and self-compassion until you feel stronger and better able to move on? What do you need right now?

The clichés "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" aren't really helpful at all. In fact, many people are brought to their knees by some events in their lives and never do recover. They don't gain strength at all. And sometimes we do have much more than we can handle.

This is a season that can be extremely difficult for some people. If you're one of those, I invite you to reach out to others. And please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk about it. Do whatever will help you through this season.

Regaining balance

 My sister and I have been battling since last fall with a financial institution over a long-term care insurance claim for a family member who has dementia. The first two attempts at a claim were denied on the basis of this not being a "chronic illness"!! Seriously. We were not about to give up, however, since the contract clearly stated that assisted living costs were covered for "cognitive impairment," which dementia certainly is. Sorry, folks, but it is chronic.

We provided all manner of proof—doctor's statements, neurologist reports, results from a battery of neuropsych tests, a care plan by the assisted living facility stating all the staff needed to do to assist with daily living, etc. By the third time we made the claim, we even involved a lawyer. Even so, we had to wait for nearly 3 months to finally receive notice that the claim was accepted. Not only did the company finally agree to pay but, per our request (though we dared not hope for this), made it retroactive to the time of our first claim.

So let's hear it for tenacity and persistence. That said, however, I was reminded a few days ago by a care practitioner that when we have fought so long for something, it's difficult to let go and get out of the "fight or flight" mode. I am definitely learning that. I celebrate this win and at the same time, I am still feeling that sense of high alert. This practitioner said it can take a while to reach homeostasis after such a long struggle. That was a good reminder.

If you have some ongoing stressful situation that's required you to struggle for something or against something, just remember this. Don't think something is wrong with you if you can't immediately let go of the situation. Take some deep breaths ... and slowly, let your body and mind relax again. You will regain your balance. It just takes time. And it does help to talk about it with others. Please contact me if you need to discuss this type of thing with someone.

Sharing brings strength

 A daily devotion I read recently discussed the fact that many churches don't have what's called "testimonies" from members. But, as a pastor, she wondered whether it might not be a good idea. She said this, "I sometimes wonder what testimonies the people in our pews need to hear. Do they need to hear someone say that there is life after the marriage implodes? Do they search for an assurance that chemo was hard for everyone else too? Do they long to know that everyone is a little afraid of growing older and depending on others more?"

It raises an interesting point: Are we vulnerable enough to share those fears and stories that can reassure each other? For it's in sharing our stories (and our fears) that we receive support, compassion—and, yes, even hope.  That's why support groups are so valuable for all manner of situations. We gain strength from each other's stories.

Who needs to hear your "testimonies" today? And who might reassure you if they told theirs?

Share your grief

Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook, lost her husband to sudden death after only 11 years of marriage. Together with her psychologist friend, Adam Grant, she has written a book about grief and recovery. It's entitled Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.

In an interview with AARP The Magazine, Sandberg advises people who have faced a trauma such as the death of a loved one that they not isolate themselves.

Here's what she says: "You have to find ways to break the isolation. I found it very hard to tell people that I wanted to talk. It felt like I was imposing my sadness on them. When someone asked, 'How are you?' I kept saying, 'I'm fine,' and then people wouldn't ask me any questions. But I learned to say, 'I'm actually not doing that well.' One of the most common things about grief, about loss, about adversity, is silence. So what happens is, you go through this adversity or trauma, and then what piles on top of that is the isolation of no one talking about it."

Have you experienced this, too? Yes, it's pretty common that people in grief pull into themselves and isolate. I remember doing that after my divorce, too. However, Sandberg's advice is helpful. Isolation only prolongs the grief and makes you feel more alone than you already feel. If you are grieving something now, try Sandberg's advice. Be honest about where you're at in the process. Let friends and family help you. And if you know someone who's grieving, gently continue reaching out to them.

Hand in hand, face challenges

When you're facing a challenge, remember not to isolate yourself. Granted, sometimes we need to pull away for just a bit to think something through, to sort out how we really feel and what we might want to do about it. But we do need the support of others to get through life, more often than not.

One of the Mothers of the Disappeared in Argentina, Elisa de Landin, said, "Here we are, Jews and Catholics, all religions and all classes and we all work together as one. We all respect each other and this is something wonderful. ... When one weakens or gets disheartened, there's always someone standing by her side to give her strength. ... A Mother who comes to the House can find the strength to continue the struggle. It's the one who stays at home, who only comes occasionally to the square, who gives up. ... Together we give each other a strength which I think is unique in the world."

That's powerful—particularly when you think of what these mothers faced: husbands, children and other loved ones who simply disappeared and the women had no idea what had happened or where their loved ones were.

No matter what our struggles, we face them with more strength when we stand together—when we help hold each other up. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, we'll get through.

Mentoring helps us soar

I wish I knew what book I copied this from, but I have a little slip of paper with the word "Mentor" at the top. Of course, that would've caught my eye. I have been mentored by other women (and a few men), and I have long done my own mentoring of other women and girls. So I like what this copy says:

"Take another woman under your wing and help her learn to fly. Share what you know—and how you learned it. Show her whom to watch out for—and precisely why. Lead her through an initiation, and guide her through the pitfalls you've already survived. Tell her what she'll never read in the manual. Maybe she's younger than you, maybe she's not. Maybe she reminds you of you, maybe she doesn't. ... Stay close enough to hold her gently by the arm if she needs it—and far enough away to give her room to fall if she must. Tell her you believe in her and you want to see her soar." (I just regret that I don't know the source of this so I can give credit.)

Yes, oh, yes! "Help her learn to fly." "Stay close enough ... and far enough away...." "...you want to see her soar." Each of us needs all the help we can get. It matters not whether we as mentor are older or younger. We can each learn from the other. Most often, mentoring is a mutually beneficial experience.

Think about who has mentored you. Give thanks for that. And who are you mentoring now? Who might you mentor? We need all the help we can get so we can truly soar.

Going in circles

I like the idea of a circle. One of my early memories is going with Mom to her church women's circle. The ladies' group in our church was broken into several smaller groups called circles. Each took the name of a biblical woman. They did Bible studies, worked on service projects, made quilts for the needy and so much more. And now that I'm older and look back on those gatherings, I realize these women supported and cared for one another. Those circles were places where they could tell their stories, where they could feel safe and be with others whose lives were similar and who understood. They "got it." Surely these circles were a precursor to the various ways women still gather today to support each other.

Women meet for lunch. They gather after work for wine and a sharing of lives. They form book clubs that are part book discussion and part support group.  Women have dozens of ways to gather, share and support.

I've been part of women's spirituality groups and today am part of three different "circles" of women in addition to my weekly Bible study group. The women in these groups inspire me to be my best. They support me when I'm not. We hear each other's stories, learn, care, laugh, cry and support each other ... and more.

Circles speak of connection, wholeness, equality, infinity. Circles are so different from triangles, where someone is at the top as an expert. With circles, everyone is assumed to have a piece of the wisdom. And that is definitely true. No one has all the wisdom. When we put our pieces together, we have so much more than we would have alone.

We're better together

Last week, I was thrilled to watch on TV as our hometown baseball team, the Chicago Cubs, won the World Series ... after an 108-year drought! Fans of the Cubs are die-hard optimists and have said for years, "Maybe next year." No more next year. This was the year!

Everyone who knows anything about baseball attributes this long-awaited win to real teamwork. Even at the beginning of the season, many said that this could be "the year" for the Cubs because they saw something different in the current makeup of the team—real teamwork and less focus on individual stars. It probably didn't hurt that the game was interrupted by a rain delay, during which Jason Heyward, one of the players, had a little come-to-Jesus meeting with his teammates encouraging them and telling them how great they were. He reminded them that it was about the whole team—about everyone working together. They came out of the rain delay smoking hot and went on to finish the Series!

My point in sharing this is that the same is true for us. It's difficult to really shine when we're trying to do things solo. But when we work together as a team, we're so much better. Better together! For those of us who are vulnerability-challenged, that's a good reminder. Reach out to others. Admit what you can't do and find those who can do what you can't. Share the load. Work together. It's more fun. And it's more effective.

A giant support system on Facebook

Something powerful is occurring on Facebook these days. Again, whether you agree with Hillary Clinton's politics or not, this might be something you could applaud. A woman named Libby Chamberlain, 33, began a movement on Facebook because of Hillary's preference for wearing pantsuits. She created a special Facebook page titled National Pantsuit Day November 8. On this specially created page, I'm seeing an amazing support system develop right in front of my eyes.

What's happening on this social media site is that individual women are feeling safe enough on that page (and you have to be invited to join so not just anyone can see the posts) that they're telling their stories. Stories of abuse. Stories of threatening behavior by strangers. Stores of incest, parental denial, violence of all types. Stories of bad decisions and efforts to get back on track. Stories enough and tears enough to fill a landfill!And yet inspiring stories of courage and survival.

But here's the beautiful part: Hundreds of other women—and a few good men—are leaving supportive and encouraging comments on the site in response to those individual stories. It's like a gigantic support group where people feel safe enough to share their secrets and their pain—and in turn, they receive love, virtual hugs, support, encouragement and kudos for their courage and their ability to survive. When I scroll through the messages, I can just feel the energy flying off the computer screen and coursing through my body. It is incredibly powerful and inspiring!

This is how we should be. This is the best of human behavior. And, frankly, this is one of the best uses of social media.

Share your gifts today

Do you have a sense of why you're here? Of what gifts you may bring to the world that the world really needs right now? Of your purpose in life at this time?

Perhaps that's really far more important to think about than the purpose of life in the macro sense. While interesting to ponder the purpose and why of the universe, perhaps it's more relevant to think about what you and I need to be about. That's something we can actually manage or control, to some degree anyway.

Each one of us has talents and gifts that can be directed to serve others—to serve a larger purpose. You may have a special knack for dealing with seniors. Or for nurturing children. Perhaps your focused attention to detail is needed by some organization that's desperately trying to tighten up and preserve its resources so it can better serve others. You may be an artist of one kind or another whose gifts inspire others and lift us above the mundane so that we can dream and fulfill our own higher purpose.

Whatever your gift is, don't be shy. Discover it. Name it and claim it. Be grateful for it. And happily share it with the world. Someone is waiting for what you have to give!

Sharing strength

Years ago I remember learning that the giant, majestic redwood trees we all admire really have extremely shallow root systems. I was so surprised to think that a 350-foot-tall tree would have such shallow roots, often only five or six feet deep. Not much for that height, is it? How do they withstand high winds and floods?

Do you know what makes up for the shallow roots? Redwood tree roots extend far out from the trunk, and redwoods cluster together in thick groves. That means the roots intertwine; some even fuse together, thus giving these tall, enormous trees a strength they would not otherwise have.

The redwoods contain some lessons for us: We are stronger when we can share roots, as it were—when we group together and share the journey. We can help each other carry the burdens, and we can celebrate the blessings with each other, too.

The image of the redwoods brings to mind the saying, "Friendship divides our grief and doubles our joy." Yes. We don't have to walk this journey all alone. It's so much easier when our "roots intertwine" and we can share our strength. That's how we survive—and thrive!

Share those stories

Women + stories + sharing=deep connections and transformation.

When women gather and share their stories, they encourage and support one another. And when that happens, anything is possible. Suddenly, the changes and growth we may have feared or about which we felt uncertain can seem possible. Transformation is around the corner.

Ever had that experience? I've had it before. And it happened again recently when my YaYa group gathered. We shared photos from each of the first two stages of our lives (maiden and mother) and talked about who we knew ourselves to be back then. We shared who we are now as older women (wise women in the "crone" stage of life, which in ancient times was known as elderhood). Crones were then considered to be valuable and important members of the community. We shared what traits we'd like to further develop as we age, too.

It was such a rich and exciting day for us, and we parted knowing that we had wonderful support from each other to continue whatever journey we're on at the moment. We are each moving on, knowing we do have the strength and the wherewithal to become those valued elders in our families and communities. Wow, how powerful that is!

Share comfort

Comfort. I use the word, but I confess I don't think a lot about what it might mean to my life. But yesterday I read these words by inspirational writer Melody Beattie: "Open your heart to receive comfort. Learn to give it, too. Comfort touches and heals our souls. Take it with you like a favorite blanket wherever you go."

Perhaps it was the blanket reference. But suddenly, I had a visceral reaction to the world. It was more than just a word. I could feel what comfort meant.

Have you thought much about it? In lives that are so busy and stressful, in a world that's filled with violence, anger and situations that raise our fear level, isn't it wonderful to think of receiving comfort—and giving comfort to someone else? It's healing. It touches our souls. It can bring light and warmth into our hearts, which may have become cold and closed off because of all the things around us.

Like a warm blanket (or a comforter!), we can take comfort with us wherever we go—enjoying its benefits ourselves and sharing it with others. The world could use more of this, I think. What do you think?

Focus on hope

One of my favorite authors and workshop presenters, Paula D'Arcy, recently wrote about a visit she'd made to a local county jail where she was invited to give an inspirational talk. Before her talk, an inmate asked whether he could share his story.

The man's story was extremely moving, D'Arcy said, and he ended with a song that in her words "cut a path through the mind's usual chatter." All the inmates were on the edge of their seats, clapping and shouting encouragement to the man who shared his story. By the time D'Arcy gave her talk, everyone in the room was open and ready for a dose of hope.

The line that drew the longest applause that morning, D'Arcy said, was this: "Your pain and failures do not define you. What defines you is the spirit moving in life."

Such a message surely brought hope to those inmates. But it also can bring hope to you and to me. Our lives, too, have contained pain. Perhaps they still do. We've likely had our share of failures, too. So it's good to remember that those things do not define us.

To hear that message and remember the truth of it, however, we often need to shut out all the noise of the world around us—noises that play on our fears, on our greed, on our desire to buy more and more, and on our negative side. Tune that out. Remember you're defined by something much larger. And let hope fill your heart today.

Turn it upside down

I just love it when an aphorism can be turned upside down and surprise me with an entirely new thought. I remember when I first heard the saying, "Seeing is believing," turned upside down: "Believing is seeing." When I believe something can be true, I begin to see with new eyes.  The truth of that has stayed with me for years.

We've all heard the saying, "Bloom where you are planted." But have you ever thought about turning that upside down? "Plant where you are blooming." It's an entirely different prospect. The gifts we have—and use when we're blooming—aren't meant just for our own growth and transformation. They are meant to share.

Where are you blooming? In what areas do you shine? Perhaps you're a teacher, and your gift is helping others learn and grow. Maybe you're a writer, and words are your gift. And if you're a parent or grandparent, there are many gifts you have to offer right where you are. If you're retired, many options abound in terms of volunteering to serve—planting seeds.

Plant some seeds today—right where you are. That's where true joy is to be found.

Wholeness & sharing stories

I am a word-lover, a book-lover and a lover of stories. And sharing our stories is one of the best ways to get to know, really know, one another. Absolutely every person has a story. Have you ever thought about what your story is? It's more than just a chronicle of each important thing that's happened to you in your life—it's really about how you have been shaped by some of the major events of your life. It's about how you see these events.

Another believer in the power of story, author Gail Kittleson, in her book Catching Up with Daylight: A Journey to Wholeness shares some of her own story even as she tells snippets from the stories of other women whose paths have crossed hers. In so doing, I'm sure she found even more wholeness for her journey of healing. And in the reading of this wonderful book, I felt the power of healing and wholeness in my life as well.

Stories are powerful. By sharing our stories, not only can we come to know one another more deeply. We can also move toward healing and wholeness.

Today might be a good day to think about your story—and to begin sharing it.

Sing your unique song

I came across something I'd copied from somewhere, and now I can't recall the source. I apologize that I don't know it. But these words so spoke to me once—and they still do. I think you'll like them, too.

"What of your wild song longing to be whispered at life today? What glee are you rejoicing in, what beauty are you creating, and why would you ever savor the shadows instead of pushing your creations out into the colorful light you dream of? It is time. It is time to roam free, to unleash the shackles, to stand proudly amidst your purpose, confidently staring down the fears and faces that hide you from who you truly are, who you long to be, and who you are slowly becoming. ...your song deserves to be sung, your voice deserves to be heard, and the authentic, majestic masterpiece you hold inside deserves to be revealed. ... It is time for you."

Isn't that great? No matter what stage of life you're in right now, you have purpose. Your life has meaning. There is some song that only you can sing. It might be in your workplace. It could be in your family life and your relationships. Your song might find expression in volunteer activities. I know of a woman whose career is behind her, her volunteering days are done, and who is now in an assisted living facility. So you might ask what song she might add to the world now. She can still send cards of encouragement to people who need it. That is the gift she offers to the world now. She also prays for people's needs—and her prayer list grows weekly, she says.

What's your song? What needs to be done that has your name on it? What beauty are you creating? Sing your song. Now.

'To be known'

Yesterday I blogged about telling our life stories to family. Because I had been thinking about that, something in the novel I'm currently reading really jumped out at me.

I'm reading The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. In the first chapter, one of the two sisters around whose lives this fictional book revolves, says of the mother her son knows, "He loves a version of me that is incomplete. I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I'd like to be known."

Fascinating, I think. Truly, our children typically know only a small part of who we really are. They know a different person from the one our closest and dearest friends know. A different person from the one our siblings know.

That's as it should be, particularly when our children are young. We don't necessarily need them to know some of the shenanigans we pulled when we were young!

But do you ever wish, as you get older, that your children (and/or grandchildren) knew a little more about your deepest values, passions and thoughts? Would you like them to know more about you? If you answer "yes" to that, find some ways that you can reveal more of yourself. It may even mean dropping some masks or armor. Are you ready to do that?

How will you tell your story?

I've been thinking a lot lately about telling my life story to my family—my sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren. Because I'm a writer, I'd love to write it out. I'm not sure exactly when this will happen as my plate seems full enough at present. But it's on my wish list of things I'd like to do. It's not because my life has been so extraordinary but more that I realize they know only a tiny part of me. And it's their history and legacy, too.

And so I've been thinking about the difference in how we tell our life stories. That brings to mind Dawna Markova's book I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. In it she speaks of two ways we tell our stories: We can tell them as "river stories" or as "rut stories."

As you might imagine, rut stories numb us. Picture yourself stuck in a rut, believing that what you've always been and done is exactly what you'll always be and do—leaving no room for change or transformation.

Then there are river stories, which are energizing and carry us forward toward possibility just like a river flowing onward regardless of obstacles in its way.

It's really a matter of focus, isn't it? We can focus on life's pain and problems, making that the centerpiece of our story. Or we can focus on possibilities and promise, looking at all the gifts and blessings in our life. This doesn't mean we deny or ignore the pain and problems. It means we look beyond them to notice life's blessings—which means we more readily notice those that have been there all along.

How will you tell your story?

'Give while you live'

Last week my brother said he liked the phrase, "Give while you live." He meant giving to charities and causes that are important to you when you're still alive rather than simply leaving money in your will. He not only likes that phrase. He lives it. As a result, he's reaping the joy of sharing his resources and seeing the difference that makes in lives. One way he does that is through funding a scholarship at a college from which he, my sister and I graduated. Through that program he gets to know personally the impact he's making on young lives.

His phrase made me think more broadly about giving, too. We have so many opportunities each day to make a difference in the lives of others—and at the same time, make a difference in our own life. We have so many ways to share. We can share our money and other resource, of course. And we can also share smiles, hugs and kindness. We can share stories and tears. We can share forgiveness and compassion. We can share patience, encouragement and validation. At the base of it all is love; we can share our love.

A heart that is open and giving, sharing love and care in multiple ways each day, is also a joyful heart. What gifts are you being called to share today?