Fears are real and normal

Why do we always think we need to deny our fears and act tough, as though they aren't bringing us down? Both men and women can be hard on themselves when it comes to fears. Fears are normal—and actually, it's healthy to feel fear. Some things ought to be feared: fire, floods, violence, a stampeding elephant or bull. Oh, yes, it's quite silly to stand in the face of any of those things and dare them to harm you! But there are other things in life that are feared, too, and this can differ for each of us.

Admit to fear. Then see what your best course of action might be. Do you need to simply face the fear and do what's needed anyway? Do you need to call on outside resources to help you? If so, please do so. There's no shame in that. Or do you need to just give yourself some self-care and self-compassion until you feel stronger and better able to move on? What do you need right now?

The clichés "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" aren't really helpful at all. In fact, many people are brought to their knees by some events in their lives and never do recover. They don't gain strength at all. And sometimes we do have much more than we can handle.

This is a season that can be extremely difficult for some people. If you're one of those, I invite you to reach out to others. And please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk about it. Do whatever will help you through this season.

Try self-care

I know many women who have experienced sexual assault. I also know many who were "triggered" (memories of abuse surfaced and women felt re-traumatized) by the Brent Kavanaugh hearings when he was nominated and then placed on the U.S. Supreme Court.

It was extremely painful to hear Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's quiet testimony about her experience of assault and then to watch as she was dismissed by lawmakers and others. It was just another reminder of how much work we women and all men of good will have yet to do on the subject of sexual assault. If we want to rid this country of its rape culture, we must pay attention to how we treat those who dare to come forward with their stories.

Just recently, I read a good piece on the subject of being triggered that listed 4 ways to care for yourself if that happened to you during the Kavanaugh hearings:

1) Stop, breathe and be. The article recommended turning the TV or computer off, taking deep breaths and being still.

2) Share your feelings and step away from the internet.  This recommendation is for both women and men who have been assaulted and encourages talking with people you trust and doing things that are relaxing and make you happy. Stay away from the news for a while.

3) Connect with the present. Ground yourself by noticing things you can touch, see, hear, smell and feel.

4) Don't try to numb your pain. Instead, healthy remedies are suggested, things such as yoga, exercise or sleep.

As always, self-care is so essential—whether you were triggered or whether the whole process last month upset you and offended your sense of justice.

Avoid dwelling on problems

When you face a problem in your life, do you tend to dwell on it, obsessing constantly and worrying about it? Do you become so anxious that you can't even see solutions easily? This can cause sleeplessness, either overeating or not eating at all, irritability, depression and isolation.

Dwelling on our issues tends to make us even more anxious. It can seriously impair our ability to think of and create solutions, and it can damage our decision-making capability. Anxiety does not make for creativity and clear-headed thinking.

Try just walking away from the problem for a while. Give yourself some diversionary time. Move on to something else. Spend time with a hobby. Take time out with friends or loved ones. Engage in a physical activity you enjoy. Just let the issue go for a while.

Generally, you'll return to the problem with fresh eyes and far more creativity to seek solutions. And most likely, you'll have renewed energy to move into action toward a solution. You might even think of enlisting the help of someone else to seek a solution.

Let go of anxiety and fear. Be good to yourself—and refuel your brain in ways that refresh and renew you. Try self-care instead of worry!

Health and aging

I read this advice in the February/March 2018 issue of AARP: The Magazine in an article on taking care of ourselves as we age: "BEEF UP YOUR BRAIN. Although cat videos may be addictive, they don't improve your focus the way puzzles or knitting or woodworking projects can. And if you don't have the energy to do more than watch TV, stream an online course or TED talk—to feed your mind."

Now that dementia and Alzheimer's are hitting large numbers of Americans, there is a lot of focus on brain health. And surely as we age, it is a good thing to be sure we continue to challenge ourselves mentally with puzzles, word games, learning new things, hobbies and projects, reading books and more. There are so many ways we can introduce healthy brain habits into our lives.

One book I might recommend for you is Brain Changers 365: Build a Better Brain with 7 Activities Each Day by Lorene Lenning, Oscar Lenning and Alisha Solan. This wonderful book contains a short set of brain exercises for each day of the year that can be done in as little as five minutes. Each of the seven short daily questions or exercises calls on a different part of the brain from memory to problem-solving and more.

It's all about aging well and self-care. What are you doing today to stay healthy and age well?

Barriers to self-love

A refrain I hear repeatedly from women is that it's so difficult to love themselves. We have been conditioned so well to care for others and to put the needs of others before our own. Doing so ought not push love and care of self to the back burner or to the very bottom of the list. It should not be a case of either/or. Either I love and care for my children, my spouse, others in my life OR I love myself. No, it doesn't work that way.

If this is an issue for you, I encourage you to try identify what barriers are specific to you when it comes to self-love and self-care. Do you find self-care difficult because of shame, because of fears, because of excessive responsibility or inferiority? Or is there some other barrier?

Once you identify the barrier, you can begin to work through it—perhaps by journaling, talking with a trusted friend or counselor. Should you wish, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session on this issue.

Once we can truly love our selves and care for our selves, we have so much more compassion and love for others. And then our own light and love can emerge and shine brightly!

Grief and self

A couple days ago as I read through a booklet of retreat offerings, on a page offering a series of weekends on the topic of honoring grief and healing from it, I saw this quote by author and speaker Charles Eisenstein:

"Grief is a way of gathering our lost parts."

Somehow it really resonated with me. I haven't had a good deal of time since I read it to really reflect on it nor to think about why it so called to me. But I do want to spend some time with the quote. It seems to contain riches.

I suspect what Eisenstein means in that quote is grief work. It's the work that gathers our parts and makes us whole again. This I do know: Grief work is extremely important work. When it's not done, the pain and grief do not go away. They get buried inside us at a deep level. The longer they remain buried, the more difficult it is to access in a healthy way. In fact, it tends to get released by us in unhealthy ways—as anger, irritation, depression and sometimes, physical illness.

And, yes, it does mean we lose parts of our self—parts that are difficult to access until we take the time to do the grief work. Grief is a process and not to be rushed. And grief occurs with all manner of losses: friendships, identity, job, dreams, death, illness and so many more. Spending time in the grief process is good self-care.

I invite you to join me in exploring the quote above and see whether it might hold any insights for you.

One step at a time

I am so stressed right now. It seems that a few people near and dear to me need major help with life issues, and I want to be there for them. In one case, it involves lots of detail work, phone calls, letters and emails—plus some huge on-site tasks, too. It means long-distance drives, arranging for doctor appointments, cleaning out a house to sell and more. Yikes.

My sister reminds me to "take one crisis at a time." She's right. That's plenty. And even at that, I've always advised people to break major crises or tasks into smaller, achievable pieces. It's that old question of how you eat an elephant—one small bite at a time!

So I'm trying to heed my sister's and my own advice. One thing at a time—and break that down into an action plan of small chunks. One step at a time, and I will be able to help those I love deal with these big things that have so affected their lives.

Meanwhile, I need to remember to breathe. And I need to engage in self-care such as my yoga class, massages and time with dear friends.

How do you handle stressful times?

Thank your body

Earlier this week at my yoga class, when several people complained about aches and pains, our instructor reminded us of how much all the parts of our body do and have done for us. Take our feet, for example, she pointed out—think of the miles and miles they've taken you, think of how they've supported you, and think of how they continue to serve you as you get done what needs doing.

Look at your hands and consider the joy and comfort they've brought others, all that they have done and continue to do. Take time to consider your whole body, inside and out, and what each part does. Amazing, right?

She reminded us of how much we take every part of our body for granted, and she encouraged us to thank each part and take good care of our bodies.

What a great reminder. The yoga session that day was enveloped in the gratitude each of us felt for our bodies. Yoga is always a good start to my day and to my week. But that Monday morning session was exceptional and got my week off to a good start. I don't want to forget that.

Take time today to consider all your body has done and continues to do for you. Find ways to care for it and thank it!

Another self-care tip

Whether you take several medications or just a few, it's a good thing to add to your self-care list the habit of annually throwing your meds in a bag and showing them to your primary care doctor—or to your pharmacist. It's important to have someone who's "in the know" look over the meds you're taking and see how they can interact with each other. It's important, too, to know whether you still need to be taking them—and whether they're the correct dosage. (You might also learn whether a generic is possible as that might save you money!)

This is also true for over-the-counter supplements and drugs. Make sure your doctor knows just what you're taking and how they work together, too.

Self-care includes such a wide range of things. It's much more than eating well, exercising and getting plenty of sleep. Those things are important to your well-being. So is what you put into your mind! Be sure you are careful with what you read and what you watch on TV. Negativity can be as toxic to you as some medications!

I just learned that October 21 was "National Check Your Meds Day." If you didn't know that last week, it's not too late to engage in that particular form of self-care! This is one place where awareness really is essential. We can't afford to be complacent about any of the medications we ingest, prescribed or over-the-counter.

Social media is exhausting

Recently I read an interesting article in USA Today that told me this: "Exhaustion. Weariness. Fatigue. Whichever phrase you prefer, recurring tiredness seems to be the new normal for a growing number of people, regardless of their age or background."

The article went on to say, "Causes range from illnesses such as anemia, depression, hypothyroidism, diabetes and heart disease to the increasing use of technology and its implications on our mental well-being."

That's right. It said that Facebook, Twitter and Instagram wear us out. It's not just the time we spend on those social media but also the stress of the urgency of social media and the feeling of overwhelm at knowing what's happening all over the world. The chair of a behavioral health service pointed out the complexity of our society and said, "We are dealing with perceived threats from everywhere, economic uncertainty; and we are in a constant state of fight and flight."

So if you're feeling run down and worn out, it might be more than your schedule. It could be that social media might be part of it. Does that resonate with you at all? If it does, a solution surely is within reach—cut back on social media time! Again, it is important to engage in good self-care. Reducing stress and knowing when to let go or say "No" are important pieces of self-care.

Time to refuel?

Author, speaker and workshop leader Arnie Kozak wisely once said, "Like trying to cut wood with a dull axe, trying to take care of others without taking care of the self first is a counterproductive strategy."

And yet ... and yet, don't we often try to do that? We see someone else in need of care, and we dive in, often letting go of our own self-care practices. This can be especially true of full-time caregivers, for whom time is an extremely precious commodity. It's so easy to not carve out time for yourself in those situations. But it truly is counterproductive.

We hear this every time we fly on an airplane, too: In case of emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before you put on someone else's. That's always a good reminder.

If you think self-care if selfish and that the above advice is wrong, just imagine trying to pour water from a pitcher that hasn't been refilled or trying to drive a car with an empty gas tank. We can't run on empty either. Something has to give.

Take time today to refuel or fill back up if you're feeling worn out, run down or depleted. It's OK. More than OK, it's essential!

Stress & self-care

I'm rediscovering how easy it is to neglect self-care when our plates are loaded and overflowing with tasks and stressors.

I often blog about the importance of self-care because I do feel it's important. And yet here I am, still knee-deep in a more-than-full plate of tasks and feeling depleted and totally stressed out. And what things are falling off my daily routine? Yup, the good things that could feed me.

Yesterday my massage therapist reminded me about self-care. Oh, yes, there's that. I know better. And yet it's so easy to just keep on pushing, tackling the next item on the to-do list and then the next one—or worse yet, multitasking so I can get even more done at once (something I've heard really isn't efficient after all!).

Whew, deep breaths, Sonia. Take time for a walk. Do some journaling. More deep breaths. Chill for a while with some beautiful classical music. Remember to do my bone exercises and my yoga stretches. Call my beloved sister or another dear friend. There are so many options. And somehow the work always gets done anyway. In fact, it may get done more quickly and better if I actually take better care of myself.

How about you? Are you taking good care of yourself even in the crazy times?

Self-esteem and control

We women especially often grow up with lots of issues around self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes it takes us many years before we feel a strong sense of self and develop the confidence we need. It's been said that women apologize far too often—for things we haven't even caused or that need no apology. Further, we are so hard on ourselves—judging ourselves harshly for things we'd never judge in our dear friends.

And whether it's a spouse, a parent, a friend or a boss, we can often succumb to efforts at controlling us in one way or another. That's why the words of my friend Gail Kittleson in her book Catching Up with Daylight: A Journey to Wholeness spoke to me:

"In the process, we can become beneficent to ourselves. It's a long road from harsh self-judgment to merciful kindness. Many of us consistently show kindness to others and refrain from judging, but when it comes to our own attitudes and actions, rude condemnation reigns. Cutting ourselves some slack takes time and practice. Unfortunately, each encounter with a controller reinforces the tendency to discount and dishonor our own autonomy.

"Manipulation and abuse have a cumulative effect. Controllers know how to angle us off-center a bit more with each confrontation. With enough time, we feel helpless and can't even put into words why we feel confused or upset. Of course, this looks like evidence that the controller is right about us, but we can learn to recognize that off-kilter sensation as a warning sign, our body telling us that something is wrong."

If this resonates with you, please talk with someone about it. You're welcome to contact me if you wish. And if you have a friend who is controlled by someone, don't be afraid to gently broach the subject. We all need and deserve self-love and self-care. We all are capable of agency and making our own choices.

Self-care for the brain

I'm hearing a lot about brain health these days. It's important to tend to full self-care, care for our bodies, for our spirits and for our minds. What I hear is that while there we may not be able to prevent dementia, we might at least keep our brains as healthy as possible for as long as possible by continuing to learn new things and staying engaged in a variety of ways.

Recently I also learned that research has been done on something called Super Brain Yoga that shows its salutary effects on students and others who practice it. Teachers, doctors, occupational therapists and neurobiologists are touting it. Here's a YouTube video to show you more about it.

Essentially, you place your left arm across your body and put your thumb on your right ear lobe, your left index finger behind your ear lobe.  Then cross your right arm across your body with your right thumb on your left ear lobe, right index finger behind your ear lobe. Be sure your left arm always is underneath your right. Then connect your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Now squat down and stand up 14-21 times. Inhale as you squat and exhale as you stand up. Do this once or twice each day.

This is a simple practice to enhance your brain function ... another good method of self-care.

Take time to be fed

The other day when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with life's details, I knew it was time to read a bit in one of my Mark Nepo books. Nepo, a poet and inspirational writer, through his words always encourages me to look up and see the larger picture—and to look deeply inside to see what that picture might mean for my life. I always feel well fed when I've read his words.

Sure enough; that day was no exception. I opened my copy of Nepo's Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred and read this: "We are never far from the need to let in beauty while we're suffering and to listen to loss and what it opens. These two ongoing tasks exercise the heart and make us resilient, when we can engage them."

After just reading a chapter in his book and reflecting on the questions and thoughts in it, I felt more at peace—better able to cope with whatever came that day.

Sometimes we just need to step away from our tasks and engage in something we know will feed us. For you that might be exercise or yoga. It may be a walk with a friend. Or a movie. Whatever it is, take the time. And do so without guilt. Self-care is essential if we are to face all that comes our way.

Self-care and the brain

A recent report published by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine says that there's some evidence that the following things may help prevent age-related dementia and cognitive decline: staying active, keeping your blood pressure under control and stepping up cognitive training (exercises that try to improve reasoning, problem-solving, memory and processing speed).

The findings underscore those of the Alzheimer's Association two years ago when it was learned that increasing physical activity and improving cardiovascular health could help minimize the risk of cognitive decline.

While there's no guarantee and both organizations say further research is needed, they also agree that there are things we can do to reduce the risk.

Such actions are simply part of good self-care and tending to our health and well-being. It's good to be as proactive as we can when it comes to health. We do as much and more for our cars with regular maintenance! Why not for our bodies and minds?

Take time out for joy

A few blogs ago, I mentioned that my sister and I are helping my brother with some medical issues lately—and doing so from a distance, except for those times when we drive the many hours it takes to be there with him. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. One day when this was true for me, a friend reminded me to do something for even an hour that day that simply brought me joy.

Ah, yes, when we're stressed out and knee-deep in problems, it makes sense to carve out a little time for joy, for play or simply for deep breathing! How many times have I invited others to do so?

Because I have always loved coloring, I keep a few coloring books and colored pencils near my desk. However, these past months, they have done nothing but gather dust. So when my friend urged me to do something that brought me joy, I dusted off one of my favorite coloring books (in fact, it had been a gift from my sister last year) and let myself become completely absorbed in creating beauty for an hour. I felt so much better after that ... and I was able to return to the tasks at hand.

When you're feeling completely overwhelmed, stressed out or emotionally exhausted, try to carve out a little time for some joy or play. It really does make a difference. It's known as self-care. And it's easy to forget to do this sometimes—even for those of us who spend time reminding others to do so!

Be good to your body and brain

Several months ago the AARP Bulletin featured a cover story with 50 ways to live longer. It was filled with suggestions such as cutting back on pain pills, getting sufficient sleep each night, reducing sugar intake, etc.

One of the suggestions jumped out at me. It followed the suggestion to drive less, and it was "Better yet walk." Reminding us that a great prescription for longer life is to exercise, the article said that doctors are actually prescribing walks instead of medication. Wow, what a great idea! There are so many benefits to walking—particularly now when in most parts of the country, weather is lovely and permits walks in nature. We get the health benefits of movement, and we get to soak up the beauty of nature as well.

Claude Bouchard, director of the human genomics laboratory at Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Louisiana said, "There is no pill that comes close to what exercise can do." It benefits our brain, heart, skin, mood and metabolism. And that's good self-care.

I've heard it said that sitting is the new smoking. And many of us sit at computers, sit in a workplace, sit in cars, and sit some more! So I'm talking to myself here—and to you, too: Let's be good to our brains, hearts, skin, moods and metabolism and fit in some walking (or other exercise) today! Your body and brain will thank you.

Self-care for your neck

If you sit at a computer for great lengths of time, you may want to try these tips that I've learned from yoga to stretch out your neck. I spend a considerable time at the computer and as a result, deal with neck and shoulder issues. Actually, any type of sitting can lead to tightening up of neck and shoulder muscles. It stresses our bodies, particularly if we allow our posture to slouch or our heads to drop down. So good self-care is important. Here's something you may want to try. Do it after sitting for 60 or 90 minutes and repeat as needed:

• Stand up and inhale while lifting your chin up toward the ceiling. Exhale while dropping your chin to your chest.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you turn your head to the right.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you turn it to the left.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you drop your right ear toward your right shoulder.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you drop your left ear toward your left shoulder.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center.
• Do a few deep breaths in and out before resuming your seated pose. 

There, don't you feel a bit more stretched out and open now? Self-care is a good and necessary part of life—with more benefits than we can imagine. Go ahead and treat yourself.

Repairing what's broken

Mending. Does anyone really do any mending anymore? I remember my mother mending clothes that had tears and holes. There wasn't a lot of money to just go out and buy new things. So she patched and mended—in addition to sewing clothes for my sister and me. She darned socks to repair holes in them, too.

We're such a throwaway society these days that most people probably haven't heard of mending or darning. Or if they've heard of it, they wouldn't consider doing it. I will confess, I don't do either of those things myself.

That said, I am definitely conscious of other important ways we mend these days. When life comes apart for a friend or even for ourselves, we are in need of tending and mending, right? We need help, love and support from others to put together what's come apart. That's how we heal.

Do you have a relationship in your life that could use some mending? Is your heart broken and in need of mending and tending? Find those people and things that will nurture you back to wholeness again. Engage in self-care and in care of others. Express your compassion—and find room for self-compassion, too. The world can surely use more compassion—and more mending!