Staying on good behavior

Most of us really do want to be our best selves. We try hard to take responsibility for our lives. We try to help others in whatever ways we can. We want to be good parents, good mates, good friends, good employees. And we're extremely disappointed in ourselves when we mess up.

Because of this, it's important to identify those things that trigger us to be less than our best or ideal selves. Are there certain behaviors in others that really set you off and pretty much guarantee that you'll come out with guns blazing? Not literally, of course. Behaviors that bring out the petulant child in you?

It's good to know your own triggers. Knowing what they are empowers you to make better choices when such situations occur.

A speaker recently reminded those of us in the audience that, in addition to any specific triggers we each have, an acronym expresses triggers common to us all. She encouraged us to think of the word HALT and tend to the needs expressed by it so we could avoid sinking into less-than-ideal behaviors.

HALT reminds us to ask these questions: Am I Hungry? Am I Angry? Am I Lonely? Am I Tired? Those four things are issues we're able to tend so we don't get triggered into bad behaviors. I know I'm paying more attention to those these days.

Thank those who pave the way

Do you ever think about the women who have gone before us to pave the way? About those women who fought injustice in its different forms so we might have the freedoms and rights we enjoy today? And do you thank them?

Nearly every time I vote, for example, I remember the stories of women who marched, gave speeches, wrote papers, beseeched the U.S. Congress and the president—and who for their efforts, were excoriated, imprisoned, force fed, chased from their homes and families. I'm so grateful for those women—and for those men who stood with them.

I remember several years ago when I prepared a keynote address for a women's group, using the biblical story of Queen Esther as a guide, how surprised I was to see at the start of the book of Esther a mention of the queen who preceded her—Queen Vashti. Somehow I hadn't really heard about her. Vashti was a brave woman who may well have paved the way for Esther to do what she did to save her people. (Read Esther, chapter 1, to see how Vashti bravely just said "No" to the king and his drunken request, enduring his wrath and banishment.)

So many women who preceded us. So many brave acts. As author Renita J. Weems says in Just a Sister Away: "If the truth be told, we today are who we are—if we are anybody—because some woman, somewhere, stooped down long enough that we might climb on her back and ride piggyback into the future."

Who has stooped down for you? And for whom have you stooped down?

Light up the world with love

I recently read a post on Facebook about a woman who's a writer. She'd done a column on how despondent she's been since the election—a sentiment shared by many people, from what I hear.

At any rate, since writing that column, this woman has been verbally attacked in the newspaper and on Facebook. She's been called fat, ugly and many other things and has been urged by several to commit suicide! What is going on here?

What I see is way, way too many people being driven by fear, anxiety, anger and hatred. And what that tells me is that each one of us who want to live in a different America than a fear- and hate-based one needs to step up and bring light, love and peace into the world. Every one of us has personal power and the ability to make personal choices about our behavior. First it begins with our attitudes and then from those flow our actions and behaviors.

Let's bring all the light we can into this dark world that seems so filled with fear and hatred lately. Let's show love. Let's carry peace in our hearts and reflect it outward in ripples that go and go. This isn't Pollyanna speaking. We really can carry the light out into the world. I firmly believe that. It starts with small acts of love. Smile at someone. Help them carry their groceries. Befriend someone. Pay for the car behind you in a drive-through eatery. Listen as though your life depended on it—because someone else's life may. 

Love really does trump hate!

Do what you can do

It's Christmas Eve Day, an extra special day for those of us who celebrate Christmas. I hope it's a wonderful day for you wherever you are and whatever you celebrate.

A couple days ago I read in one of my favorite day books, The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo: "We cannot eliminate hunger, but we can feed each other. We cannot eliminate loneliness, but we can hold each other. We cannot eliminate pain, but we can live a life of compassion."

In these days when we hear the phrase "Peace on earth" more often than usual, this is a good thing to hear. Perhaps in many little ways, we can bring our selves, our families, our communities, our country and our world a little closer to that peace. We can "feed each other." We can "hold each other." And we definitely can "live a life of compassion."

We cannot eliminate hunger, loneliness and pain. We cannot bring world peace. But we can do those smaller things, can't we? That's within our power.

Let's start right now. Today.

The first step is important

Although you won't read this until Wednesday, I wrote it on Monday—Martin Luther King Day. We have been left with many inspirational and thoughtful ideas and quotes by this civil rights leader.

One that is so fitting as we think about making changes in our personal (or professional) lives is this: "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."

When anything begins to pinch in your life, and you think about making any type of change, large or small, this is good to remember: "Just take the first step." You need not worry about each action step along the way. Nor do you even have to see the whole picture or end result. You do need to know what's wrong now (what isn't working). You need to have some idea of where you'd like to go or what you'd like to feel. But you needn't know the full picture (the whole staircase). For example, if you are feeling resentful because you're always doing things everyone else wants (saying "Yes" too much) and never getting your own needs and wants met, you may want to make changes. You may not know what that will look like at the end. You just know you don't want to be so resentful anymore. You just know you want others to take your needs and wants seriously, too. It's OK to not see the whole staircase.

Just take that first step toward setting boundaries and learning to say "No" to others. Many of our important changes and transformations occur in incremental steps. So just take the first one—in faith and confidence that you can do it. One step and goal at a time. Before you know it, change has taken place.

Act 'as if' it were true

One of the pastors at our church often says, "It's easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting."

That takes some reflection, doesn't it? It not only takes time to digest that thought, it takes time to live into it. But so much is possible when you do.

That statement reminds me of what several people told me after my divorce. Act "as if" you're confident about the future, they told me. Act "as if" you see yourself as a successful journalist. Act "as if" your life will come together.

Know what? That wasn't easy—since I was filled with an immense amount of fear and trepidation. I didn't have much confidence at that stage of life. I surely didn't see good things ahead. But I took their advice and put on my most confident, successful face. Before long, life and career did begin to fall into place. Little by little, fears diminished. Confidence built. A career I could not have imagined began taking shape. And I began to think of myself as a successful journalist and a leader on my staff.

Have you acted yourself into a new way of thinking before? Or do you need to right now? If you want to talk about it, I invite you to contact me.

Changes & control

Have you ever been so busy looking at how others around you affect your life that you forget to look inside and see what part you play in how your life is going? Yup, me, too.

It's so much easier to see how the actions of others affects our happiness or unhappiness. It is often more clear to us what impact friends and loved ones have on how we feel about ourselves and our lives. It isn't as helpful, though.

It's good to do an honest check-in to see what's going on inside us. Are you carrying around old ideas about yourself? Old baggage? Old tapes? Resentments? Is it time to do some more letting go? Do you want to reframe some of your life events to see what blessings might have been contained inside even hurtful and painful experiences? Mind you, this is hard work. It's not easy being honest. What we see isn't always so pretty!

Recently I heard a wonderful phrase that reminds me to check out my own "stuff" rather than focusing on that of others. Here's the phrase: "Keep your dipper out of my bucket." When my dipper is in your bucket, I'm not paying attention to my own issues. And when it comes right down to it, I am the only person whose life I can change. I have no control over anyone else. Influence perhaps. But no control. And the truth is, even making changes in my own life is difficult. But I surely cannot make changes for others.

Build on what's right with your life

What's right with your life today?

It's good to stop and take stock from time to time to see how you're feeling about where you are. How are your relationships? Your career? Are you feeling good about your health and your weight?

Start with what's right—and build on that. It's essential that we acknowledge, and celebrate, the good and the positive in our lives. And not just the biggies. Notice and celebrate everything that's good about your life.

I always remind my clients to celebrate each small success, each positive action. Doing so gives you energy to keep moving in healthy directions. And it helps motivate you to make any necessary changes.

What changes do you want to make? Break those down into small actionable steps. And start with one step today.

At the end of each day, take time to reflect on (or write in a journal or notebook) those things that are right, those things for which you're grateful. When you pay attention to your life, you might be surprised at how much about it is right!

Are your N.Y. resolutions dead?

Did you make any New Year resolutions this year? Do you still remember them? How are you doing in keeping them?

It’s been two months since you made them—if you did. If you are keeping them, kudos to you!

If you aren’t, I hope you aren’t beating yourself up for that.

Here’s a better idea: Decide whether there are any parts of those resolutions that you still care deeply about. Choose one or two things to make as goals for the coming months. Chunk those goals down into manageable action steps.

Remember, keep it simple. And above all, do not beat yourself up. Guilt and shame aren’t very good motivators. Better to just make S.M.A.R.T. goals about which you really care—things for which you really long.

S.M.A.R.T. goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. Be very specific and be very realistic. You don’t want to set yourself up for failure. And be sure these are things you want—not what someone else says you need!

Pin up your action plan in a place where you’ll see it each day. And remember to revise the plan when it doesn’t seem workable. Share your thoughts with us, along with any tips you’ve discovered along the way.

‘Fake it until you make it’

Yesterday we talked about negative self-talk and limiting beliefs—and we discussed two steps to move forward: awareness and affirmations. Today let’s take things a step further.

Once you’ve become aware of the self-talk that holds you back and have begun to affirm the things you like about yourself, what’s next?

Action. One small step at a time, create actions that will move you forward so you can leave negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs behind. You’ve heard the saying, “Fake it until you make it.” And you’ve heard about the importance of “as if” thinking. All of this means that we try on attitudes and behaviors that reflect where we want to be until we actually become that which we have desired.

Suits and a briefcase
I remember that, in the first position I secured after my divorce, I bought and used a lovely briefcase to carry my papers to and from work. As I could afford to do so, I bought a professional-looking work wardrobe—several suits, as I recall. Somehow this reinforced in my mind the image of where I wanted to be: I knew I had the skills for management positions in my field of journalism, but at first I just didn’t quite have the confidence.

I had to “fake it until I made it.” Not too far into my journalism career, I ditched the briefcase and the suits, even while still dressing like a professional. But in those early years, those purchases were important actions for me to take. It may sound silly, but dressing for success helped me to catch a vision of where I wanted to be.

You will have different actions from mine. Whatever you determine will help you get where you want to be, make those things part of your action plan. One day at a time, one step at a time. Soon you will notice that you have moved beyond the negative tapes and have replaced them with more positive messages about yourself and your abilities. And then you will have come to the acceptance phase. Since personal growth is a process, you may still occasionally go back to an old message. But you will notice it so quickly, and now you’ll know what to do about it! And soon you will have lived into that place you dreamed of one day being.