Asking for needs to be met

Do you have some unmet needs that are pretty important to you and that you're hesitant to ask someone (spouse, children, friend) to help fulfill? If you were raised like I was, you likely didn't learn how to ask for what you need. In fact, many of us were raised to ignore our needs and tend to those of others instead—particularly if we are women.

It's great to be of service to others. What's not great is when so many of our really important needs go unmet and we end up resentful of others. The desire for those needs comes out sideways and in peculiar ways, especially to those closest to us. We may be angry or irritable and others have no idea why. Better to be direct and simply ask.

Check yourself to see whether there's something you really want someone else to do or say to you. Don't be afraid to ask. We don't always get what we ask for. But we surely won't get it if we don't ask! In fact, it can make for a good conversation if we ask a good friend or partner what that person needs and then say what we need from them. Go ahead, take that first step. This also gives permission for the other person to ask for needs to be met, so it may be a new behavior for you both to learn.

Old dogs can learn new tricks!

You are worthy

I've often heard it said that we train other people how to treat us. When I first heard that, I had to spend some time thinking about it. At that time, I was so accustomed to thinking almost solely about the needs of husband and children. I didn't give much thought to what I wanted or needed. That felt selfish to me.

Now that I'm much older and my sons have their own children (some teens and beyond, in fact), I have more experience to understand the truth of that statement. I came to terms with the fact that it isn't selfish to expect some of my needs to be met, too. I actually thought about what I wanted from life—something that, in fact, removed some of the resentment that was beginning to build when my needs weren't considered. I had to look at my own part in the whole dance. I had to recognize my own worth, too.

When we grow so accustomed to thinking about the needs of others to the exclusion of our own needs, we do train others to think that way, too. Have you seen women who, even when their children are older adults, continue to put aside their wants and needs and jump to the tune of their children? Or of their spouse or partner? It's become a habit. And spouses and adult children, not necessarily doing so with "malice aforethought," continue to let them do so.

Mind you, I'm not saying it's wrong to be of service to others or to do kind things for those we love. These are good things. But we also want to do good things for ourselves and see ourselves as worthy of having our needs met, too. It's not either/or. It's both/and. And it's also a matter of making choices—choosing to do something for another rather than being expected to do so ... and letting them do good things for you, too!

Adding love to the world

There are so many ways we can add a touch of love and humanity to our world. Just look around. Opportunities abound in our homes, our neighborhoods, our wider community, in our schools and public institutions, in our country and across the globe.

I just read in the AARP Bulletin of one such effort, begun in 1948 when Air Force chief of staff Gen. Hoyt Vandenberg and his wife, Gladys, realized that some of the funerals at Arlington National Cemetery were attended only by the military chaplain. They felt someone else should always be present, too. Now each of the service branches has wives' groups that make sure others attend the funerals. They also reach out to families of the fallen in various ways.

Sandra Griffin, retired as a major after 23 years in the Air Force, writes sympathy notes to Air Force families she hasn't even met; and she attends funerals. "It's a way to still serve. It's a comfort to the families," she says. "Some reach out to hold your hand and say thank you."

Yes, it really doesn't take a lot. What needs are you noticing around you that might be calling to you? Sometimes even smiles to strangers in the public sphere can add joy to someone's day. So many possibilities. What will you choose?

From gratitude to action

Yesterday I finished wrapping the last of my Christmas gifts. This year I really enjoyed it. Somehow I didn't feel as rushed as I do some years. So as I wrapped each gift, I had time to think about each person, what that person meant to me, how much fun I had picking out something special for that person, the joy I thought they might feel opening this gift and so on. It was quite fun!

By the time I finished all the wrapping, I was in a wonderful state of gratitude for all the people in my life. I was also grateful that I was in a position to buy gifts for my loved ones—something I don't take for granted. I know that many individuals and families aren't able to give gifts and have nothing to put under their tree. Many don't even have a tree—or a home in which to set up a tree. So, honestly, I have so much for which to be thankful. And yesterday I let that all wash over me.

Now the next step is to think of what things I can do in 2016 to help people who don't have all the things I take so for granted. Living in gratitude is wonderful—and it really changes my perspective. Now I want to challenge myself to go beyond that great feeling—to take action that will bring changes to the lives of others who don't even have their basic needs met.

What do you need to stay grounded?

My to-do list is quite long these days. I've been away on vacation a good portion of this month and have lots of catch-up to do. But for some reason, I've been procrastinating on writing this week's blogs. That's not typical for me since I'm an over-achiever. I like to say I'm a recovering over-achiever; but my fiance will remind me that I still push myself pretty hard.

Anyway, after spending much of my morning doing other little odd jobs around the house—anything but my blogs—I stopped to reflect on what was going on with the procrastination. I realized that, as wonderful and fun as my vacation times have been, I'm really craving time to "just be" here in my own space. I need some solitude and some time to putter, time to sip coffee and read a chapter or two in one of my favorite inspirational books. I wasn't quite ready to dive right back into a busy work schedule again.

It's a good reminder to me of my own unique type of balance. To stay grounded, I need more quiet time and solitude than I used to when I was far younger. I am a relational person and absolutely love my time with others. But I also need time to think, dream and just be.

What do you need? Are you getting what you need—and in the balance that feels best for you? I encourage you to do everything you can to find your own sweet spot and then make it happen.

Soup & love

Last week my two oldest grandsons needed some TLC. They had each experienced dental surgery and had all four wisdom teeth extracted on the same day. Their mouths and jaws ached for a few days. Eating was limited to soup and soft foods. They were home from school and work, nursing their aches and pains.

So one day I drove through the latest Chicago snow to their house to make one of my homemade soups and give them some TLC. I was struck by the fact that, no matter how old we are nor how independent we want to be, we all savor that TLC and special attention from those who love us. My grandsons are older teens, they're much taller than I am, and I know they seem themselves as strong and perhaps invincible. But they were hurting and it wasn't just the homemade soup they enjoyed. They liked the extra care and loving.

When I mentioned what I'd done to other friends, some said they'd love to have a grandma who did that. And it occurred to me that we're never, ever too old for grandmas. In fact, there have been times in my life (and some not so very long ago!) when I have longed to climb into my mom's or grandma's lap (both are dead now) and be hugged and told, "There, there, now, it'll all be OK." Do we really outgrow such needs?

Perhaps it's good for us to remember this as we deal with one another: Be gentle. We each have things going on in our lives and could use some extra love and TLC from time to time. 

Passion & need come together

Last week my AAUW branch's monthly program featured a woman who turned a passion for self-defense and martial arts into a non-profit organization that empowers at-risk girls and women and gives them self-protection tools in a culture that doesn't favor them.

Belle Staurowsky is founder, lead instructor and executive director for the Green Tara Project, which teaches underprivileged, marginalized and impoverished females in India how to be psychologically and physically strong. For years Staurowsky had followed her dream in pursuing martial arts competitions. When she learned about the terrible scourge of human trafficking—the coercion, kidnapping and enslavement of vulnerable children and women—she saw the possibility of her passion and the world's need coming together. Now through her organization, she's trained hundreds of rescued and at-risk girls in self-defense and has also trained staff at other non-profit organizations to become self-defense teachers. Not only can these girls better defend against attack but their newly gained self-esteem keeps them from the victim stance that perpetrators often look for.

I am always inspired by those who follow their dreams and passions—and when I see them take those passions out into the world to help at-risk populations, I'm really thrilled and inspired. Staurowsky is doing amazing work—and on a shoestring. She's fighting a Goliath, since human trafficking generates $32 billion annually (half from industrialized nations such as our own). And the number of humans sold across international borders is thought to be between 600,000 and 800,000 each year. Of that number, 70 percent are female and 50 percent are children.

Perhaps you can't be a Belle Staurowsky. But you may have a passion that could fill a need in your community, country or across the globe. What might be calling for your help today?

Wake up—to each other

If you were stopped on the street and asked to pose in an intimate position with a stranger, would you do so? Photographer Richard Renaldi has been using his camera and photography skills in New York City to bring people together in just that way—with fascinating results. By intimate, I don't mean X-rated film. I mean holding hands, hugging, standing together as if they had known each other a long time rather than just walking past on the street.

The resulting photographs reveal a genuine connection between two people who were willing to step beyond their initial comfort level. This doesn't happen with absolutely everyone he photographs but with enough of them that Renaldi has said, "Everyone seems to come away with kind of a good feeling."

People who have agreed to be subjects in Renaldi's photos have been surprised by how the experience opened them up to really seeing people they otherwise would walk right past. Several have said things such as "It was nice to feel that comfort," "I felt like it brought down a lot of barriers," or "It was a good feeling."

The success of this photographer's project makes me wonder how many of us in this country are starved for connection and for touch. It makes me aware of how much we simply walk past each other on streets, in stores and in the many public places we frequent. We don't even notice others much.

We are so connected via our devices and on social media. But are we really connected with each other? It's a good question upon which to reflect because professionals in the field of social work and psychology say that connection is one of our most basic needs. What do you think?

Connect your gifts & passion

Yesterday I told you about the 21-day meditation series by Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra in which they encouraged us as participants to think about what gift we each have to offer our sister and brother travelers on this planet. Truly, you and I have multiple gifts we can put out into the world. But likely, there's one special gift you have that particularly makes your heart sing. That's the one you should focus on. Be sure that gets out into the world where it can be used.

It isn't difficult to see what things are needed in this world today: kindness, love, civility, compassion, even the gift of listening to one another—and much more. Lots of needs. No doubt about it. But what is your particular passion? What can you put out into the world that jazzes you so totally that you may not even see it as something you give away? Perhaps it's something you just have to do, something as necessary as breathing.

I love encouraging people. Perhaps that's why I was so drawn to life coaching. I get totally jazzed when I see my clients move from places of burnout, pain, confusion or "stuckness" into places of transformation, revitalization, healing, clarity and action. I love helping people access their own wisdom and begin moving forward in a positive way. When I know someone is discouraged or hurt, I love to send cards to perk them up. I know the value of a phone call, email or even a text message just to let someone know I'm thinking of them.

What I have learned, too, is that those who are most difficult to love are the ones who most need it. So I try move past my judgments and out of my comfort zone to encourage those who push me away.

That's my gift. What's yours? Who needs it today? Tomorrow? The next day?

Be a lap to others

Even as an adult, haven't you sometimes felt so sad or exhausted with life's events that you just wanted to crawl into someone's lap and have them hold you close and say, "There, there, it's OK. Just let me hold you." I think we are never too old to want comfort and nurturing. We may be ashamed to admit we want it. But, be honest now, don't you?

Rachel Naomi Remen in My Grandfather's Blessings: Stories of Strength, Refuge, and Belonging tells the story of a very small girl whose kitten died. Most of the adults in her life told the little girl not to cry because the kitten was in heaven. Of course, that did little to really comfort the girl. So one day she turned to her grandmother and asked "Why?" Rather than give answers and advice, the grandmother simply scooped the little girl onto her lap and held her tightly. The girl sobbed, and so did the grandmother. It was just what the little girl needed—a lap, a place of refuge.

When that little girl grew up, she became a doctor highly skilled at working with AIDS patients. And one day she told Remen, herself a doctor, "... what I really want to be for my patients is a lap. A place from which they can face what they have to face and not be alone."

That story really spoke to me. Most times when I share something scary or painful with a friend, I don't want advice. I just want to be heard. Sometimes I want to be held. I want a lap at times! That tells me that in all likelihood, others may want that same thing. You and I don't need to have all the answers. Often it's more important to simply be a presence. A loving presence. A lap. An ear. A shoulder on which to cry.

Who in your life needs a lap? Needs your loving presence? And when you need that, can you ask someone for it?

Can I be soft?

I just discovered more wisdom on the subject of vulnerability and needs. This comes from poet Mark Nepo and his book, The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have. He says:

"Asking for help, whether we get it or not, breaks the hardness that builds in the world. Paradoxically, asking even for the things that no one can give, we are relieved and blessed for the asking. ... One of the most painful barriers we can experience is the sense of isolation the modern world fosters, which can only be broken by our willingness to be held, by the quiet courage to allow our vulnerabilities to be seen. For as water fills a hole and as light fills the dark, kindness wraps around what is soft, if what is soft can be seen."

That is just beautiful. Can I allow myself to be soft? To be open enough to ask for what I need? To even admit that I have needs?

I really love the image I get when I hear the words "kindness wraps around what is soft."

Now to live in this new way of being! It's one thing to read about it. It's quite another to make changes to how I lead my life!

'Plant your own garden'

Yesterday I blogged about both looking after your own needs and meeting those of the people around you. It's a both/and proposition. As women, it's often meeting our own that perplexes us most.

A poem from Veronica A. Shoffstall comes to mind. Perhaps you've read it. In "After a While," she writes: "After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

I know I'll date myself by saying this—but what also comes to my mind is the idea I heard so much when I was a young woman: When you meet that special someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, you will complete one another. I don't hear that much anymore, so I hope the idea is dead. Frankly, I see each of us humans as being whole and complete. We were created whole, not as some puzzle part that needs the other puzzle piece to function properly. You certainly can "plant your own garden" and "decorate your own soul" rather than waiting for someone else to do that. You can identify your own needs and be responsible for seeing that they are met.

That doesn't mean, however, that your life partner won't bring out things in you and won't complement you and enrich your life. It just means you are responsible for your life.

Would you like coaching help in apprehending this concept? It's one on which we as women sometimes get hung up. And there's nothing wrong with admitting you need some help working it out. Please contact me if you want to discuss this.

Balancing needs: Is it others' vs. yours?

I recently had a client who always put herself and her needs last. Everyone else in her life claimed priority. She was at the bottom of the totem pole when it came to time, attention and meeting needs. We worked on that, starting with her seeing herself as even deserving to have things she wanted.

I've been there myself. When I began living on my own again, after years of focusing on a husband and children, I was so unaccustomed to even thinking about what I needed and wanted that I felt guilty for even doing so. It took me quite a while to realize the degree to which that created deep resentments inside me. It was time to think about what I wanted—and to state my needs clearly.

If you say what you need, you don't always automatically get it. It's pretty much guaranteed, however, that you won't get what you need if you aren't even aware of it and never say it! And you'll most likely find yourself with a short fuse when you continue to give to others.

This is another one of those both/and situations. Life isn't about you getting what you want and need all the time at the expense of everyone around you. And it surely isn't about you giving everyone else what they want and putting yourself last either. Try to find the balance in your life. It's about both giving and receiving.

Life's essentials

Many years ago I tried online dating—just for the fun of it. Though it's been a good thing for many people, it didn't turn out to be much fun for me. And as it happened, I met my fiance through dear friends many years after those experiences anyway.

In the process of online dating, however, I learned a lot. About others. And about myself.

One of my friends, who many years previous had tried to meet someone in this way, encouraged me to think about my "non-negotiables." She urged me to make lists of those characteristics I would really like to have in a partner and those I absolutely could not handle. Then of the list of what I'd like, she urged me to boil down to those that were essential to me—those non-negotiable traits. This process turned out to be a good learning experience.

I encourage coaching clients to do something similar when considering life or career decisions as well. It helps to have a broad-strokes vision of what you would really like—and then make a list from that dream or vision which things are truly essential for your well-being and happiness. What do you really need?

Do you have a Big Life Question you're pondering right now? Try sketching out your dream of how you'd like things to be after you live into the answers. Then make a list of those things that are essential and non-negotiable from your dream. That will make your action plan so much easier.

I invite you to contact me if you'd like to discuss any of this.

Is it really all-out war?

Last week I watched a TV program for entrepreneurs on creating successful small businesses in this economy. My coaching practice is my second enterprise (years ago I operated a marketing/advertising business). And I know it takes lots of focus and hard work to create something from nothing. So I was fascinated by this hour-long show.

One question and answer stood out. Someone in the audience asked the panel of successful entrepreneurs what they do about their competition. One man on the panel pounced right on the question with a forceful response that said, in effect: It's all-out war. You have to kill the competition. Every day is a battle, and you're out to get them. He sounded off on the topic with war images and strident language.

However, as soon as he finished his response, a woman who has created a very successful business jumped right in to say, "I disagree completely." She went on to say that she never gave a thought to the competition but instead simply focused on how to make her product the best it could be and how to give her buyers just what they wanted and needed. Essentially, she said that she wasn't there to defeat the competition but to attract buyers to a desired and high-quality product.

Their responses could not have been more of a contrast. I completely resonated with what the female entrepreneur said since that's how I operate my coaching practice. It's really all about what my clients want and need. Sessions are all about my clients—helping each person find her wisdom within and moving forward with her dreams and goals.

How would you have answered the question?

Ever feel selfish?

One of my clients told me that she felt selfish for wanting to take time to focus on her life—to stop and re-evaluate what she’s done, where she’s headed, what gifts she has, what dreams she carries, and what she should do next with her life.

My first reaction was, “No, no, no, that’s not at all selfish.” I didn’t say that … because where she is, is where she is. But I did invite her to consider the alternative—continuing her journey with no thought to what fit or didn’t fit for her anymore.

I’ve been in that place myself. Have you? I won’t forget my inner struggles following my divorce—when I first began to think about what I wanted and what I should do next. I had spent so many years thinking about what my husband and children wanted and needed, and what others in my life and in my community needed. And I really had no idea what I wanted.

Guilt—and feeling selfish
Furthermore, I felt extremely selfish (and guilty) for taking time to focus on my wants and needs—on my hopes and dreams. It’s easy for us as women to hear that message: Put others first. Put your own needs on the back burner. After all, that’s more “feminine,” we’ve perhaps been told.

I needed time—and the help of others—to work through that guilt, and dump it. How grateful I am that I took the time to struggle with that feeling—and that I moved ahead to express my hopes and dreams. A side benefit: My three sons also benefited from me focusing on my wants and needs; that meant they had a mother who was happy and fulfilled, a mother who served as an even better role model for them.

What words of wisdom do you have for women who feel guilty or selfish for tending to their own needs and nourishing their own dreams? I’d love to hear your experiences and ideas in the Comment box below.

Balance

As a journalist, I worked in an office—in a cubicle surrounded by other workers. I was on the phone a lot, and I traveled a lot. I had to be vigilant in carving out solitude for myself. I exercised care in scheduling even the fun activities of my life so I could have some balance for my extroverted and my introverted sides.

Now that I’m a life coach, I work from home (most coaching is done by telephone). And I have more solitude than ever before. Now I need to take care that I get enough social time each week. I carve out enough time for my fiancé, my friends, my kids and grandkids—and for the groups and activities I choose so I have balance in my life.

I don’t want all solitude nor do I want my days and nights filled with group activities. It’s about balance.

So much to balance
You need to balance solitude and group time. You also will want to get enough rest and relaxation to offset the high stress of your career. You want balance or equity between the various parts of your life: intellectual, social/interpersonal, emotional, physical, vocational, spiritual and financial. You may design a circle that has different aspects in each of the pie-shaped areas inside it; that’s your choice.

Keep in mind that balance doesn’t mean spending exactly the same amount of time on each aspect of your life. You know what your needs are. Remember, too, that you’ll need to tweak the balance. Life changes. You change. What you need today may not be what you need a year from now.

What you need to feel centered or grounded is not the same as what I need. It’s different from what your partner or kids need. It’s important that you determine what feels right to you—you’re the only one who knows what that is.

Start today. Draw a circle with the different parts of your life as pieces of the pie. Or journal or simply list the various areas. Then determine how much time you now give each aspect of your life—and how much you want to give it. And go for it! Make the changes that work for you.

Taking charge of your life feels so good, doesn’t it?