Endings and beginnings

We said farewell to our senior pastor last Sunday as we sent him off into retirement. In his last sermon he talked about endings and beginnings, and he reminded us that every "Hello" has a "Goodbye" in its back pocket. How true that is.

I've heard it said this way, too: Endings carry within them the seeds of new beginnings. No matter how you phrase the idea, it's good for us to remember this. Does it mean we don't mark and grieve endings? Not at all. It just means we keep in mind that beginnings will follow those endings. If you face a career change, a job loss, the death of someone you love, a move to another city or state, or any kind of transition or ending, you know that it will mean a switch to what will become a "new normal."

Such transitions aren't always easy. Sometimes they are extremely painful. And for some, these transitions can nearly bring life to a stop—they are that debilitating and painful!

It is at such times when we need to call on all our resources—our family and friends, our past experiences, our faith and yes, even our sense of humor—to get us through. Think about all the resources you have.

Are you facing any endings today? Or do you have loved ones who are? What do you need? Or what does that friend or family member need from you?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you! No matter how you spend your New Year's Day, whether you make resolutions or not, whether you are into reflection or introspection or not, here are a couple questions that might be worth some thought.

What was last year like for you? For what are you hoping in the year ahead? Carl Jung said that "where you stumble and fall, there you find pure gold." Did you stumble at all? Did you find gold? What did you learn about yourself through those experiences? Did you encounter roadblocks or get stuck? Did you meet someone who helped you? Did you let go of any inner (or outer) "trash"—things you no longer need, believe or want to carry around? Letting go can set you on the bridge to new freedom if you let it. And don't we love new beginnings?

Here's to a serene, beautiful year for you—filled with moments that absolutely take your breath away!

Of ends and beginnings

Where I live, many of the leaves have fallen off the trees and instead of clothing the trees, they now carpet the ground. So the greeting card I saw at Trader Joe's really speaks to me now: "The fall of a leaf is a whisper to the living. To make an end is to make a beginning."

We know that a leaf on the ground isn't the end of its usefulness. In fact, fallen leaves are nutrient-rich, soil-building treasures that contain 50 to 80 percent of the nutrients that trees extract from the soil in a growing season. Fallen leaves are a great source of nitrogen as they decompose. Interestingly, research conducted by Alexander Kowalewski at Michigan State University shows that maple and oak leaves used as mulch help control dandelions in Kentucky bluegrass! So what appears to be the leaf's end truly is also a beginning. Its usefulness continues but in a very different way.

So with us. When one chapter of our lives ends, something completely new is embedded within that ending. We don't always know what the next stage might be. Sometimes we may live in a transition time for a while—and, yes, I know all too well how uncomfortable that can be at times. But always, always, new challenges and directions emerge. We just need to trust the process, just as we trust the process of leaves falling to the ground and then adding nutrients to the soil.

What endings and beginnings have you experienced lately? Are you in a transition time right now? Let the falling leaf whisper to you!

Closed doors—and open spaces

No doubt we all have had doors close for us—opportunities that we thought we could embrace and enjoy but that simply slipped away from us. And most of us have heard the sayings about windows opening when doors close.

Here's what educator and writer Parker J. Palmer has to say about that: "Each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around—which puts the door behind us—and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls. The door that closed kept us from entering a room, but what now lies before us is the rest of reality...."

Further, he goes on to say, "We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance it has to offer—and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives."

Do you find that as helpful as I do? Palmer's words offer some new images for me: putting the closed door behind and seeing the open space ("the largeness of life") ahead. And I like his use of the terms "yes" and "no." I have found it to be true: When a door closes, a world full of possibilities emerge. A lot of potential resides in that space. And we get to make choices—and say yes to new possibilities.

Beginner's mind

Educator and writer Parker Palmer encourages us when we're stuck to be a beginner—to "begin again with beginner's mind and with hope." Ah, yes, with hope.

As Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki said, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few." That is also good to remember. Perhaps we shouldn't aspire to be experts then, should we?

Or as poet Wendell Berry once wrote to a friend, "I greet you at at the beginning, for we are either beginning or we are dead."

My takeaway from these quotes is that it's important to remain open. A beginner is open, open to possibilities, open to learning, open to making mistakes and failing—just open. Experts can be closed off, thinking they've reached the peak.

If you're in a stagnant place right now, in a rut or just feeling unfocused, try beginner's mind. Simply try to be open, let go of all the knowledge you may have accumulated and approach life with curiosity. See what unfolds. You might be surprised. Oh, and don't forget the hope!

A fresh start

Happy New Year! It's a brand new year—a time to start fresh. A brand new, empty slate. Isn't that exciting?

What will you leave behind as you enter this new year? Is there old baggage you want to leave behind? Old resentments, beliefs and fears? Grudges and unforgiven hurts?

And what wisdom and learnings do you want to bring with you to help you on your journey into the new year? What friends and relationships will be important to your journey this year? Be sure to nourish and maintain those connections that are important to you. Like precious plants and flowers, they need to be tended and nourished.

I just had an interesting experience yesterday. I finished reading my Mark Nepo daybook (for the second year in a row) and noticed that he thanked Melody Beattie for one of her daybooks as an inspiration. I knew I had one of hers on my bookshelf, so I plucked it from the shelf and started reading in her January selections. One of the first things I read was about having lived in her head for so long and now wanting to connect with her heart. Bingo! That really spoke to me. It has seemed for a while that I need to do this as part of learning to be more vulnerable and learning to drop my Wonder Woman costume! The name of her book? Journey to the Heart. Yup, just what I need right now.

Funny how that works. This book appeared on my screen just when I needed it. So here's to fresh starts and new beginnings for us all!

New beginnings

Each day now I notice something new coming to life. The grass is greener by the day. Grape hyacinths greet me as I leave my house. Daffodils add stunning splashes of yellow to the landscape all around. Trees are budding, a little more each day. The birds seem to outdo one another with their songs. I love spring!

It doesn't matter how many springs I have lived to see. It's new each year. The pleasure is just as fresh to me this year as it was when I was 5 years old.

New beginnings always are thrilling, aren't they? What about those in your life? Has some change in your life lately offered you a new chance? A new lease on life? A new career? Relationship? Even just a change in attitude?

Look for new beginnings. Endings always have the seeds of new beginnings in them. Sometimes we focus so much on the ending that we fail to see what the "new normal" may offer. Reflect on your life today and see whether there's some new life you overlooked. Savor it.

2 limiting beliefs about grief

Last night I facilitated the final of a five-session class on grief and loss in my congregation. The pastors had hoped for large numbers of participants and offered several sessions, of which mine was one. However, the turnout was lower than hoped.

Why? Several members told the pastors that they didn’t want to talk about that depressing subject. Some said they hadn’t experienced the death of anyone close to them so didn’t have any grief to discuss.

This was a reminder to me that we carry some limiting beliefs about grief and loss:

1) Grief is a depressing topic.
2) Grief is only about death.

Loss takes many forms
While grief and loss aren’t something we long for and readily embrace, they are a regular part of our lives. You experience loss in many ways: loss of friends, loss of community when you move, loss of job, loss of ability as you age, loss of lifestyle and some amount of freedom when you have children, loss of health with a diagnosis of illness, and many more. Even when you have chosen something (such as a move to another community, a new position or retirement), you experience the loss of some things in your life at the same time as you embrace the new. Saying hello to something generally entails saying goodbye to other things.

Talking about your loss and grief does not have to be depressing. It is, in fact, healthy. It is in facing the loss that you can move through and beyond it. In confronting it, you can do the necessary letting go that allows for new life and moving on.

I like the title of a book I read years ago: Talking About Death Won’t Kill You by Virginia Morris. The book made the argument for honesty and openness, for facing our fears about death and loss.

If you have trouble reaching for your dreams, I invite you to see whether you have some unresolved grief that needs tending. Face it. Grieve. Let go. Prepare to fly! And please contact me if you’d like to discuss grief and loss issues.

Al fresco dining—in March

Where I live in Illinois, it’s unseasonably warm right now. I actually had lunch with friends today— outdoors! Typically at this time of year, we could still have snow on the ground (albeit, the ugly gray/black remainders of a previous storm) and would still be wearing winter coats. We most definitely would not be dining al fresco. Instead, my rhododendron are in full bloom, my trees and shrubs are budding, my grape hyacinths are gorgeous and my hydrangea bush already is greening up.

New life. Don’t you love it? Each spring it’s new all over again. The thrill erupts within just as surely as the buds and flowers bursting forth outside.

Where in your life do you experience this same sense of new life, transformation, greening?

New beginnings
Or don’t you? Perhaps you’re longing for new beginnings, yearning for that transformation that occurs in the caterpillar/cocoon/butterfly process. What’s waiting to be born in you right now? What dreams are calling you?

If you are just where you want to be right now, that’s awesome! Please share with us what that’s like and how you got there.

If you yearn for something new in your life, please share that with us, too. And take a small step today to move toward that new life waiting to be born in you. Don’t wait. Let your beautiful butterfly emerge from the cocoon—and soar! Create the climate for new life. Contact me if you want a partner in letting your inner butterfly soar.

Me? In a cocoon?

What happens for you inside the cocoon? Yesterday we talked about what happens when something in our life ends and before the new beginning occurs. We talked about time in the cocoon—or what author William Bridges calls the “neutral zone.”

So what happens to you when you’re in the cocoon stage of transition? It’s a time of inner work. You might be one of those who love to spend time in reflection and inner work. Or you may do anything to avoid it. No matter where you fall on the spectrum of doing inner emotional work, try to find some way of doing what’s needed so you can move beyond the cocoon and into that new beginning. New dreams cannot begin until you let go of the old ones.

Grief—and letting go
In yesterday’s blog post we spoke of the ending, the neutral zone and the new beginning that happen when change occurs. All change involves some loss, even when you choose that change. When you decide to move to a new home, for example, no matter how excited you are about that move, you will still experience some loss as you leave your present home.

Losses need to be grieved. I encourage you to do that in whatever ways work for you. Then you will want to let go. Is it a person you need to let go? A role? A place? First determine which of those you must tend to. Then think of the feelings associated with the loss. Are you angry? Sad? Let go of those feelings, too. When you carry around anger or strong emotions about an old situation, it holds you captive. It’s impossible to really move on when you’re still tied to the old.

I recommend a book that I use frequently when I find myself stuck with the letting-go process: How Can I Let Go If I Don’t Know I’m Holding On? by Linda Douty. This is an extremely practical and insightful book. In addition, I’d be happy to talk with you in a complimentary, no-obligation phone consultation to discuss the value of “cocoon time.” Please click on Contact Me to schedule a consultation.

Before flight, the cocoon

We often fear it. We experience it on pretty much a daily basis. We often resist it. It’s as much an inevitable part of life as death and taxes. Yup, it’s change.

Have you experienced big changes in your life recently? Or several small ones? When you do, it’s natural to wonder how you will live in that different world. A question we hear often these days is: What will the “new normal” be?

In his book Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change, William Bridges says that the changes don’t do us in; the transitions do. He says the change is the situation (the new job, the new roles, etc.). Bridges defines the transition as “the psychological process people go through to come to terms with the new situation.” In other words, the change is the external event. The transition is the internal work we do.

He describes the three parts of transition as the letting-go stage (which begins when something ends), the neutral zone, and the new beginning. Bridges says, “People make the new beginning only if they have first made an ending and spent some time in the neutral zone.”

Cocoon time
What Bridges calls the neutral zone (the land between what has been and what is to come) I see as the cocoon stage of a butterfly’s transformation. From caterpillar crawling on its belly to soaring butterfly—that metamorphosis only happens because of time spent in a cocoon.

You might see your transitions that way, too. After you acknowledge (and grieve) what is no more, it’s time to let go, time to enter the cocoon—what Bridges calls “the limbo between the old sense of identity and the new.”

Once, to note a big change in my life, I bought a butterfly kit. It underscored for me what an active stage the cocoon is. So much is happening inside that tiny space. It has to if the caterpillar will emerge as a butterfly. You are no different. In that cocoon or neutral stage, that reflective and quiet time when things are sifting and sorting inside us, much is changing. Take the time to stay in the cocoon, the neutral zone, and embrace the inner work that needs to happen before you emerge on the other side—and soar!