Shed that pain

My November ezine put forward the thought that when we don't work through our painful experiences to transform that pain, we end up transmitting that pain to others. When our hurts and pain are buried deeply inside us, they still manage to seep out and affect our words and behavior toward others. Sometimes the pain does more than seep—it can explode.

Poet and author Mark Nepo puts it in a different way, but it's essentially the same thing. Here's what he says in his book Inside the Miracle: Enduring Suffering, Approaching Wholeness:

"As we struggle with all we carry, we discover that what is not ex-pressed is de-pressed. It seems the more we express, that is bring out what is in, the more alive we are. The more we give voice to our pain in living, the less buildup we have and so, our inner life fits our outer life more fully."

Nepo says, too, that expressing our pain isn't limited to verbal expressions but can also be done through movement, singing, drumming, dancing or even praying silently. It's simply getting out what is inside!

So shed that pain. Let go. Express it. Let it be transformed. But above all, don't hang onto it and don't shove it down—it won't stay down. Let it out and feel the huge weight fall off your shoulders. Fly free like the beautiful butterfly!

Embrace your changes

We know that change is a normal part of life. Without change, we'd never grow up. Change, evolution, transformation—call it what you will. It's essential. I love to think of the butterfly, which started life as a lowly caterpillar and wound itself into a dark cocoon, where it seemed to die. And then suddenly, all those same parts that formed that caterpillar changed into a beautiful butterfly. I love that image of transformation, which is why I've chosen it as the symbol of my Way2Grow Coaching practice.

French author Arnaud Desjardins, who wrote the book The Jump Into Life: Moving Beyond Fear, once said:

"Life is expressed in a perpetual sequence of changes. The birth of the child is the death of the baby, just as the birth of the adolescent is the death of the child."

On and on it goes. Perpetual change. Why then do we so fear change? It's a normal, yes a valued and essential, part of our lives. So let's embrace it and be grateful for new life and transformation. Be grateful we learn and grow. And let yourself soar like the beautiful butterfly that emerges from the cocoon!

About that cocoon...

The caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly transformation process is quite amazing. What seems like dying really is new life. But here's the deal: It wouldn't be new life if the butterfly didn't work its way out of the cocoon when the time is right.

We, too, have things in our lives that represent cocoons. And you simply cannot fly and be your best self if you don't leave the cocoon behind.

What's your cocoon? Are you stuck in a situation that you really should leave behind and from which you should fly away? It might be a job that is killing your spirit or a relationship that's dragging you down or doing you harm. It might be your own unhealthy behaviors, things that need changing. Or it could be old tapes and messages that hold you back and keep you stuck. It might be your negative attitudes about yourself or about life in general. It could even be losses that you haven't ever grieved that are piling up inside and constricting your heart.

There are so many things that can become a cocoon. It's good to check periodically and see whether you are stuck and need to break free. Now's a good time to do so! Let go, let go, let go.

Moving on

Last week I learned that someone is leaving a group of which I'm part because she no longer feels comfortable, accepted and heard there. I'm really sad about that—and want to do all I can to be sure this group that I so value is open to all voices.

All of that said, however, I do also firmly believe that there are times when a person has to follow her heart and conscience and move on. I've had to do that myself on occasion. It's always a tough decision to let go of something that once was meaningful—and particularly, of the people who once felt like my tribe. I also know the new opportunities that can arise once I have let go of a situation or group and moved on.

Do you have anything in your life right now that requires a second look? Or that might lead you to let go and leave a person or a group? Don't be afraid to step out into something new. Or even to step out into the unknown temporarily.

A caterpillar can be our example: When the caterpillar enters a cocoon, it seems like dying. However, as we know, it's simply the gateway to an exciting new life form—a butterfly that soars above the flowers rather than crawling along the ground or among the leaves. Think of it!

For those who want to be more

A book I first read when I was just in my 30s is still one of my favorites. Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus, illustrated like a children's book, is a book for adults who want to be what they were meant to be—who want the "more" of life.

I have so many favorite passages. Here's one part I especially like:

"Butterfly—that word," she thought. "Tell me, sir, what is a butterfly?

"It's what you are meant to become. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries the seeds of love from one flower to another.

"Without butterflies, the world would soon have few flowers."

So here's a thought for you and me as we look out onto cold or snow-covered landscapes that are momentarily free from flowers and butterflies: How are you carrying the seeds of love? How do you see yourself searching for the "more" of life? How are you moving toward becoming all you were meant to be?

What might you need to do to soar like a butterfly and "join the earth to heaven"?

The discomfort of transformation

Do you ever find yourself in an uncomfortable place on the way to something new? You might be looking back over your life and feeling the weight of undone tasks or roads not taken. You might be living with regret. You may be looking ahead and wondering whether you're on the right path at all. There are so many reasons for us to sometimes experience that tough transition place, that desert between where we've been and where we'd like to go.

I often liken that to time in the cocoon when the caterpillar has given up its identity to transform into something new. Does the caterpillar know when it goes into a cocoon that it will emerge a beautiful butterfly able to fly rather than crawl along the ground? Doubtful. But somehow it trusts the process and does what it's programmed to do. And sure enough, a butterfly does emerge.

While we're not caterpillars, there are some similarities. There are many times in our life when we need to give up some of what we know to be part of our identity, go into a transition phase or a cocoon and let things settle out until we're ready to emerge transformed. The trickiest part for us as humans may well be to be OK with that in-between stage. Be OK with life in the cocoon for a while. For all of what you need for transformation is contained within you just as all the caterpillar needs for its transformation is contained within. Trust the process. Live with the discomfort.

If you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Mid-life: An open door

In her book Gift from the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh talks about our middle years as a time of shedding. She writes: "One is afraid. Naturally. Who is not afraid of pure space—that breath-taking empty space of an open door? But despite fear, one goes through to the room beyond."

And when we go through to that room beyond, we can be free. As Lindbergh says, "Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!" She asks, "For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a kind of second adolescence?"

And then being able to concentrate on our inner life, on who we really were created to be, much freer of masks and armor than ever before, we move forward far lighter—like the caterpillar that has been transformed into a butterfly. This may look like a withdrawal from the world, an isolation of sorts. But it's not really that, as Kathleen Fischer says in her book Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life. "...a strong inner life enables us to move outward with fewer conflicts and greater clarity. It solidifies our sense of self and our values. It is difficult to really love others if we cannot love ourselves, and hard to love a true self that remains deeply hidden. What feels like emptiness inside us may be a self that we do not know, one that has never been loved."

Wow! These middle years and beyond are so full of promise. This is not a time for despair. A time for boredom or hopelessness. Adventure awaits. Take the journey through that open door—into the room beyond!

Advice from a butterfly

Because butterflies are part of the theme of my Way2Grow Coaching practice, I just had to buy the purple (my favorite color) tee shirt I found at a botanic garden shop last weekend.

The shirt pictured beautiful monarch butterflies on flowers and contained these words:

"Advice from a butterfly: Let your true colors show. Get out of your cocoon. Take yourself lightly. Look for the sweetness in life. Take time to smell the flowers. Catch a breeze. We can't all be monarchs!"

Each one of those sentences is good advice and offers a lot upon which to reflect. I could really spend a day's blog on each one. But I just leave it for you to see how this might speak to your own life. I know the shirt's message speaks to mine ... and it may take me a while to unpack it.

And just for fun, I'll give you the website in case you're interested in this shirt or any one of the other products offering advice from a butterfly, a tree, a cat, a dog and many more: It's called Your True Nature. Simply click on that link to see how much we can learn from nature!

Cocoons are messy

Change is messy. It can be painful. It doesn't matter whether it's a huge change or something smaller. It's not easy. Sometimes we get there through a decision we've made. Other times, change is thrust upon us. It can be frightening either way. We experience all the shifts in the way things were.

Then there's that transition period. That's really messy. It's like the caterpillar inside the cocoon—in the process of becoming a beautiful butterfly. The inside of the cocoon is a soupy mess of the caterpillar broken down. No shape. Messy. Scary. That's OK. It's a necessary part of the transformation. If you're in a transition phase, just be with the discomfort and the anxiety. It won't last forever.

Soon, you'll be that beautiful butterfly, soaring above the flowers—and on to the next stage of your life!

If you'd like to discuss this at all, I invite you to contact me.

It's OK to not know

In conversation with someone recently, we discussed that point at which we aren't sure what's ahead for us and don't even always know the questions to ask in our discernment time. It's an uncomfortable time, a time of not-knowing. Sometimes it's a time of paradox, of holding two different things to be true at once. But it's such an important and fruitful time.

I like what poet and author Mark Nepo says in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: "It seems our capacity to withstand the tension of opposites is key to entering paradox, and key to that is becoming comfortable with the space of not-knowing. Understandably, most of us are uncomfortable when things are undefined, when things are not clearly to or fro, up or down, left or right, or right or wrong. But the deeper truths always take time to reach us, and it is our job to enter a practice of waiting openly—which involves enduring the tensions of not-knowing. This requires a crucial, ongoing effort not to prematurely name or define what we encounter in life."

Wait. It's OK to just be. To enter into the not-knowing phase. Take your time. Transformation doesn't happen overnight. Think of the caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly process. It can't be rushed. Soon you, too, will be ready to soar!

You have what you need

I love the concept of transformation or the metamorphosis that occurs when a caterpillar creates its cocoon and later emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Isn't it just amazing? That's why I use the butterfly as a symbol for my Way2Grow coaching practice.

What's fascinating to me is that the caterpillar's body contains all it needs to become a butterfly. All the parts are there. When the caterpillar is inside the cocoon it has built, those parts develop and rearrange themselves out of the "caterpillar soup" that's created when the caterpillar's tissues dissolve inside the cocoon.

This reminds me that you and I have all we need inside, too, to become beautiful butterflies who can soar through life. We don't always remember that inside us, we have the resources and abilities we need. Often, we need someone else to urge and encourage us to look deeply within to discover these resources. Sometimes, though, when we're in a difficult situation—perhaps facing illness or job loss—we discover strength and serenity we hadn't known was there. Tough times can actually pull us down into our core to draw out reserves we hadn't drawn on before.

What do you need right now? What would it take for you to discover your own resources?

If you would like some coaching to access your wisdom and abilities, I invite you to contact me. I always offer a complimentary strategy session to see whether coaching can be of help to you.

Let's hear it for big life questions

Are you asking some of life's big questions lately? Uncertain of next steps, whether that's about your career or some relationship—or maybe even a health or weight issue?

What direction should I go? What do I want to be when I grow up? How can I recover my passion for life? How can I care for myself better? These and other big questions are simply part of life's journey. Please don't beat up on yourself because you don't know the answers. Sometimes we think we should know. At times we think everyone else in the world is certain and decisive. What's wrong with me, we ask. Nothing is wrong. You are normal if you have questions.

Simply befriend yourself and love your questions. Let them live inside you for a while. Bring them out into the light of day, either for your eyes only (through journaling, for example) or by sharing with a friend or loved one, a coach or therapist. Work with them. Play with them. Love them. Live them.

These questions aren't a sign of weakness or of indecision. They're often spurs to growth and new discoveries for us. It is most often through those big questions that we are able to move from the caterpillar stage of life right into the cocoon and eventually out again to take on life as a beautiful, soaring butterfly. So how bad is that? Quite a good outcome, I'd say.

Life's rhythms

Where I live, winter means cold weather, snow and shorter days—more darkness. Although I'm not a real fan of winter anymore, I can appreciate its gifts.

Winter is a time for hibernation, going quiet, resting, waiting in the darkness to see what's changing and growing inside. Think of all the things that happen in darkness: babies grow inside a dark womb, seeds sprout and grow inside the dark earth, plants rest up so they can be renewed and come back in full beauty once spring arrives, butterflies form inside dark cocoons. Indeed, I have even read about people who walk through dark times of depression and how transformation and new growth emerged from that darkness.

When I complain about winter or long for spring's arrival, I need to remember that winter can be a rich time that can lead to high productivity, dreams fulfilled, transformation and new birth. Winter can provide us with times for reflection and dreaming if only we take that time—times that can lead to creativity and new experiences. It's all part of life's rhythm.

What's growing inside you right now? Any new dreams? An old one that keeps returning and calling for your attention? A project that calls forth your passion? A career change? Pay attention.

You as a work-in-progress

Have you ever stopped to consider who you might be today without the hurts and pain you have experienced? I know, I know. There's no way you and I can really know the answer to that question. I do think, however, that it's worth reflecting upon.

As I look back on my life—at the losses and disappointments—I see how those things have forged pathways into my heart that have filled in with tears, tenderness, compassion and a depth of love that I know I wasn't capable of feeling on my own. Experiencing a broken relationship when I was just a young woman opened me to others who experienced similar things. Years later, my divorce marked the first time I physically felt what it meant to have a broken heart. After the grief and ultimately, the healing, I grew in ways I never imagined. My sensitivity to others grew, too. Then after two huge career disappointments—career moves into which I had poured my heart—I was opened even further. And later, losing the position from which I thought I would retire someday pushed me way, way beyond where I thought I might be. Where initially that was devastating, it actually became something freeing deep inside me. Who knew?

Through all of that, and through other losses and disappointments, I have been softened. I have become more authentic. I'm still very much a work-in-progress. But I am learning to drop masks and behaviors that really don't fit me any longer. I am learning to express my love and my humanity openly—and to worry far less about what people will think. Now I wonder why I ever wasted so much time worrying about the things I did. In my deepened capacity to have compassion for others, I am also learning self-compassion; so I let go of the need to wonder why I thought and felt what I did in the past. I was who I was then. And now I am ever-evolving—and who knows where I will be in the future?

So many cocoons. So many chances to emerge as that beautiful butterfly all over again! Where are you today? Who are you becoming? Celebrate all the transformations: past, present and future!

'It just takes time'

It's been a long time since I have talked about a book I dearly love: Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus. I first read the book back in the 1970s shortly after it was published. I have returned to it many times since. It has so much to say to me. Because it speaks of the letting go and transformational process of caterpillar to cocoon to butterfly, it is perfect for my website, too, of course.

Just yesterday I thought about the efforts of one of the story's lead caterpillars, Stripe. He saw a towering pile of caterpillars and, thinking that was the way to get ahead in life, climbed onto the pile and tried to move his way up to the top. It wasn't a pretty process. He was miserable and didn't really know what, if anything, was at the top anyway. He felt ruthless crawling on other caterpillars to get to the top. Eventually, Stripe follows the lead of Yellow, the other lead caterpillar, who realized she needed to simply let go and become what she was meant to be: a beautiful butterfly. Stripe finally knew he, too, needed to do the same. As the book says of the cocoon process: "It got darker and darker and [Stripe] was afraid. He felt he had to let go of everything...." That, of course, is when his transformation begins.

And, as it says earlier in the book, "... a cocoon is no escape. It's an in-between house where the change takes place. It's a big step since you can never return to caterpillar life. During the change it will seem to you or to anyone who might peek that nothing is happening—but the butterfly is already becoming. It just takes time."

Indeed, transformation takes time. So don't lose hope if you're still in transition and on your way to becoming that beautiful butterfly who can soar! It all begins with letting go.

Pain transformed

As you look back over your life so far, would you like to erase all the hurt, pain and bad times?

Mark Nepo says in his The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have: "From broken marriages, to losing a rib to cancer, to being laid off after eighteen years of teaching, there has always been a gift waiting once the ache and fear and grief have settled." He adds, however, that it isn't the disease or injustice itself that's a blessing. It's more that such injuries open us to new things.

I would agree with Nepo. I would also qualify it by saying I can only speak for myself. Some people have experienced unspeakable horrors and may never see a gift waiting on the other side. I have visited both the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum in Cambodia and the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., and I have interviewed Liberians about the atrocities they endured during their civil war in the 1990s. I know there are experiences from which people may never come back. Having said that, most of us don't have experiences quite that traumatic.

As I look back at my own experiences, including a divorce and being Reduced In Force after 22 years on the job as well as other assorted deaths and relationship losses, I know that those things have made me who I am today. The pain was transformed into wisdom and a deeper appreciation for life. For example, as I've said in previous blogs and in my monthly ezines, losing my job led to a new and exciting career that I hadn't imagined. All of my painful experiences have eventually led to new insights and new dreams and have taken me to deeper  places on my journey.

The transformation didn't occur overnight, though. First came the anger and sadness—the grieving part. Then came the letting go process, and it is a process, definitely not a once-and-done thing. Then, finally, new dreams, new wisdom—the gift of transformation unfolding. And in each of those stages, fear showed up needing to be faced. It's all part of life's journey, isn't it? Transformation itself is a process. Think of the caterpillar/cocoon/butterfly process and draw hope from that. Picture yourself as that beautiful butterfly soaring among the flowers where once you crawled along with a much smaller view of the world!

'What a ride!'

No doubt you have heard as often as I have the quote attributed to various authors and with slightly different variations: "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'Woo Hoo, what a ride!'"

Whether the quote includes chocolate and a martini, wine, a latte or "a cloud of smoke," you and I get the gist of it. And the quote presents quite an image, doesn't it?

The idea is there, no matter who said it and what precise language they used: Live life to the fullest. Don't be passive and let it slide by, saving yourself from experiencing life as it is—from the deepest sadness to the most explosive passion and joy.

Enter into life ready to grab on. Fasten your seat belt—because, yes, life is quite a ride! Find friends who can enjoy the journey with you. Create an environment in which your passions can be expressed, whether that's in writing, acting, helping others or designing homes or spaces inside homes. Feel your fears—and do anyway what it is you fear but what you really want to do. Avoid regret. Live in gratitude. Be the butterfly. Leave the cocoon behind!

What would it take for you to live like that? Please contact me if you are stuck and want to explore this idea more fully.

All you're meant to be

A few nights ago at my American Association of University Women gathering, over dessert some of us were sharing book titles we know and love. I always enjoy hearing what other women are reading, and I've discovered books that way that I might not have read otherwise. I like both fiction and non-fiction and am always looking for another good read!

One book I keep returning to really looks like a children's book. It has beautiful illustrations of butterflies and caterpillars—and doesn't have many words. But it's really a book about life and hope and is meant for adults.

In one of my favorite parts (and I have several) of Trina Paulus's Hope for the Flowers, we read: "'Butterfly—that word,' she thought. 'Tell me, sir, what is a butterfly?'

"'It's what you are meant to become. It flies with beautiful wings and joins the earth to heaven. It drinks only nectar from the flowers and carries the seeds of love from one flower to another. Without butterflies the world would soon have few flowers.'"

What "seeds of love" are you carrying today? Have you become what you were really meant to be? Are you that beautiful butterfly right now—or are you a caterpillar waiting to enter a cocoon? In other words, are you in the middle of a time of change and transition awaiting that butterfly-like transformation?

If you want help with a transition so you can set free your beautiful inner butterfly, contact me for a complimentary strategy consultation. There's absolutely no obligation attached to it. 

Lose the cocoon

Imagine what it would be like to be a butterfly. How might it feel to fly free? How would it be to soar among the flowers, light as a breeze—no baggage to carry around.

The butterfly doesn't drag around its cocoon once it emerges. The cocoon served a very important purpose in the transition from caterpillar to butterfly. But it's no longer needed by the butterfly.

Do you have any cocoons you need to lose? Any baggage you'd like to shed? Of what do you need to let go before you can move forward?

I've gone through so much letting go in my life. And yet, from time to time, there's yet more I need to shed. When I feel resistance inside myself to moving forward, I know it's time to see what's keeping me stuck. It's time to lose another cocoon, to let go of more baggage.

Lighten your load today. Let go of whatever holds you back. Negative attitudes. Old resentments. Unresolved issues. Sorrows you haven't yet grieved (do the grief work before you try to let go, though). You'll find new energy as that beautiful butterfly in you flies free!

Be here now

I just came across something a friend sent me in a 2005 email. I have no idea who wrote this but the words really struck me today. And I'm guessing they'll speak to many of you, too.

"There is enormous power in this moment. The more fully you experience what is here right now, the more that power is available to you.

"Are you angry or bitter, disappointed or resentful about what has happened in the past? Then much of the power of this moment will be out of your reach.

"Are you anxious and worried about something that may or may not happen in the future? Then you will miss out on the opportunity to create real and lasting value from this powerful moment you are in.

"Imagine that everything you are, everything you know, everything you care about, is focused into this very moment. And feel the enormous power of what you can, right here and now, do with it all.

"Rise above the murky fog of what could have been and what someday might or might not come to pass. Focus the whole of your being on what is, and on the overflowing abundant opportunities this moment presents to you.

"There is great and wonderful power in this very moment, in who you are, in where you are right now. See it, be it, and let yourself live it fully."

So let go of old disappointments, stop living like the caterpillar. Prepare to live in this moment you've been given. And soar—like the beautiful butterfly you were meant to be!