Winston Churchill once said, "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." Most definitely, there were many times during World War II when he was uncertain about the outcome. But he kept moving ahead—and kept Britain moving ahead.
In a book titled Keep Calm and Carry On, author Mark A. Reinecke describes the most disabling of distorted thinking, perfectionism, as "the belief that there's a best solution and that nothing less than the best is acceptable."
He goes on to say that as we face our problems, "We need to find the solution, the approach that brings only positive outcomes and has no negatives or downsides. Expecting nothing less than the best brings more security and guarantees a positive result, doesn't it?
"Actually, it's quite the opposite. Seeking perfect solutions can magnify our anxiety as the future unfolds. ... Because we can't predict how events will present themselves over time, there are no perfect solutions. If events don't develop as planned, you may believe you have failed, which leads to feelings of disappointment and regret and to a reduced sense of efficacy and control."
By now, I think we all realize that we should not let perfect get in the way of good. Seeking perfection can keep us from finding perfectly acceptable and workable solutions to our problems. Or as some people say, "Many things worth doing are worth doing badly!"
Are you a perfectionist? I'm a recovering one—still working to be satisfied with good! Good is good enough!
Showing posts with label perfectionism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perfectionism. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2018
Friday, June 2, 2017
Compassion, not perfection
On Wednesday of this week I sent out my monthly Way2Grow Coaching ezine. Generally, I have the ezine written several days, if not at least a week, ahead of when it will be distributed. My schedule this time was such that I didn't get it written until the night before it was to be distributed at 5 a.m. I proof-read it a couple times, and everything looked good. Or so I thought.
The next morning when I looked at the ezine in my inbox, right away I found an error. Since I'm a perfectionist, albeit a recovering one, the error jumped right out at me as though it were rimmed in flashing red lights. It was too late to do anything about it since the ezine was already in the inboxes of all subscribers.
In days gone by, I would have obsessed over the error and beat myself up for it. This time, I'm happy to say, I told myself that it did me good to make an editing error once in a while ... and then to let it go. It's good practice for a recovering perfectionist! That doesn't mean it's easy. But I want to learn to unhook my self-worth from the things I do or don't do. I want to be more gentle and compassionate with myself when I make mistakes. I want to acknowledge that I'm human! I definitely am a work-in-progress.
Do you have things that hook you up like this? Can you use self-compassion to handle it?
The next morning when I looked at the ezine in my inbox, right away I found an error. Since I'm a perfectionist, albeit a recovering one, the error jumped right out at me as though it were rimmed in flashing red lights. It was too late to do anything about it since the ezine was already in the inboxes of all subscribers.
In days gone by, I would have obsessed over the error and beat myself up for it. This time, I'm happy to say, I told myself that it did me good to make an editing error once in a while ... and then to let it go. It's good practice for a recovering perfectionist! That doesn't mean it's easy. But I want to learn to unhook my self-worth from the things I do or don't do. I want to be more gentle and compassionate with myself when I make mistakes. I want to acknowledge that I'm human! I definitely am a work-in-progress.
Do you have things that hook you up like this? Can you use self-compassion to handle it?
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
'Move into yourself'
The symbol for my Way2Grow Coaching practice is the butterfly. I chose that because I love the idea of the transformation that happens when a caterpillar weaves itself into a cocoon from which it later emerges as a beautiful butterfly. This creature goes from crawling on the ground to soaring above the flowers and trees. Imagine that! And everything it needed to become a butterfly was really there inside.
So does the caterpillar cause these changes? Or is it simply following its nature, its design? And what does that say for our own transformational experiences? Perhaps what we need is all there inside, too.
Yesterday I read in Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick's book, Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, this interesting thought: "Do not try to transform yourself. Move into yourself. Move into your human unsuccess. Perfection rapes the soul."
As always, it's about authenticity, isn't it? It's about just being who we are—not trying to be someone else or trying to be a perfect version of anyone (including ourselves). We just need to be ourselves, with all the good and the bad of that. Let go of perfectionism. Embrace authenticity. That journey alone will provide plenty of transformation!
So does the caterpillar cause these changes? Or is it simply following its nature, its design? And what does that say for our own transformational experiences? Perhaps what we need is all there inside, too.
Yesterday I read in Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick's book, Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul, this interesting thought: "Do not try to transform yourself. Move into yourself. Move into your human unsuccess. Perfection rapes the soul."
As always, it's about authenticity, isn't it? It's about just being who we are—not trying to be someone else or trying to be a perfect version of anyone (including ourselves). We just need to be ourselves, with all the good and the bad of that. Let go of perfectionism. Embrace authenticity. That journey alone will provide plenty of transformation!
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Anxiety: It's part of life
Anxiety. It's a common malady. And truly, don't you wonder whether we wouldn't all be better off simply accepting that we'll always suffer from some level of it?
We all have fantasies about how we'll rid ourselves of anxiety. Getting away. Travel to a beautiful location. Or a serene location. Finally having that beautiful home filled with labor-saving devices and all the lovely art objects to fill us with delight. That perfect job and perfect work colleagues. Maybe even a perfect boss. (Or is that too much of a dream?) The perfect spouse who completely understands us and with whom we never argue. Oh, and, of course, perfect children. Sure, right!
While it's a good idea to find ways to reduce our anxiety where possible, it may simply increase our anxiety to think that any of the things suggested above (or any other fantasies) will rid us of anxiety.
Why don't we simply accept that anxiety is part of being human just as is a certain amount of loneliness? Then we can get on with stress-management techniques that really do help us face the anxiety we experience and bring down the level. What works for you? Find some practices that reduce your anxiety, if it's higher than you'd like. And simply get on with life, knowing perfection isn't possible. Be okay with being human!
We all have fantasies about how we'll rid ourselves of anxiety. Getting away. Travel to a beautiful location. Or a serene location. Finally having that beautiful home filled with labor-saving devices and all the lovely art objects to fill us with delight. That perfect job and perfect work colleagues. Maybe even a perfect boss. (Or is that too much of a dream?) The perfect spouse who completely understands us and with whom we never argue. Oh, and, of course, perfect children. Sure, right!
While it's a good idea to find ways to reduce our anxiety where possible, it may simply increase our anxiety to think that any of the things suggested above (or any other fantasies) will rid us of anxiety.
Why don't we simply accept that anxiety is part of being human just as is a certain amount of loneliness? Then we can get on with stress-management techniques that really do help us face the anxiety we experience and bring down the level. What works for you? Find some practices that reduce your anxiety, if it's higher than you'd like. And simply get on with life, knowing perfection isn't possible. Be okay with being human!
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Recovering from perfectionism
Because I'm a recovering perfectionist, I am always alert to mention of perfectionism in my readings. In fact, a book I really value is Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. I highly recommend this one if you deal with perfectionism.
Recently, I reread another of my favorite books, Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen. She has a way of calling things what they are and does so with graciousness and insight. In this book she talks about the pursuit of perfectionism as one of the "major addictions of our time."
She reminds us that we're not born with it and because it's learned, says it's possible to recover. She says she, too, is a recovering perfectionist.
Here's what struck me: "Sometimes perfectionists have had a parent who is a perfectionist, someone who awarded approval on the basis of performance and achievement. ... Of course, love is never earned. It is a grace we give one another. Anything we need to earn is only approval."
She goes on to say, "Few perfectionists can tell the difference between love and approval. Perfectionism is so widespread in this culture that we actually have had to invent another word for love. 'Unconditional love,' we say. Yet, all love is unconditional. Anything else is just approval."
I'm still digesting those ideas and reflecting upon them. Hmmm, what do you think?
Recently, I reread another of my favorite books, Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen. She has a way of calling things what they are and does so with graciousness and insight. In this book she talks about the pursuit of perfectionism as one of the "major addictions of our time."
She reminds us that we're not born with it and because it's learned, says it's possible to recover. She says she, too, is a recovering perfectionist.
Here's what struck me: "Sometimes perfectionists have had a parent who is a perfectionist, someone who awarded approval on the basis of performance and achievement. ... Of course, love is never earned. It is a grace we give one another. Anything we need to earn is only approval."
She goes on to say, "Few perfectionists can tell the difference between love and approval. Perfectionism is so widespread in this culture that we actually have had to invent another word for love. 'Unconditional love,' we say. Yet, all love is unconditional. Anything else is just approval."
I'm still digesting those ideas and reflecting upon them. Hmmm, what do you think?
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Cut some slack
I just saw this mini-poster on Facebook: "Everyone makes mistakes in life, but that doesn't mean they have to pay for them the rest of their life. Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn't mean they are bad. It means they are human."
Yes, yes, yes. It just means we're human. It definitely doesn't mean people are bad when they make bad choices.
Sometimes we do make bad choices. We all do. We're not perfect. We're human. And those around us do the same. So it's important that we are patient, forbearing, forgiving and loving to others when they make mistakes—and, as we said yesterday, to ourselves when we make them as well.
It's good to examine our expectations from time to time—and do a reality check to be sure we're cutting ourselves and others slack, knowing that we're human and not perfect.
I'm a recovering perfectionist, so I need to remember this more often than most. I expect a lot of myself—and also from others. I'm trying to let that go. But I have had years of practice being a perfectionist, so I'm a work-in-progress on that count! No doubt that's why this particular poster caught my attention on Facebook.
Are you good at cutting yourself and others slack? It's not too late to start!
Yes, yes, yes. It just means we're human. It definitely doesn't mean people are bad when they make bad choices.
Sometimes we do make bad choices. We all do. We're not perfect. We're human. And those around us do the same. So it's important that we are patient, forbearing, forgiving and loving to others when they make mistakes—and, as we said yesterday, to ourselves when we make them as well.
It's good to examine our expectations from time to time—and do a reality check to be sure we're cutting ourselves and others slack, knowing that we're human and not perfect.
I'm a recovering perfectionist, so I need to remember this more often than most. I expect a lot of myself—and also from others. I'm trying to let that go. But I have had years of practice being a perfectionist, so I'm a work-in-progress on that count! No doubt that's why this particular poster caught my attention on Facebook.
Are you good at cutting yourself and others slack? It's not too late to start!
Monday, July 13, 2015
Say 'No' to perfectionism
As a recovering perfectionist, I really love this saying: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." This quote is from now-dead Harriet Braiker, clinical psychologist and self-help author who wrote the book, The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody, which described the stresses of balancing family and career.
Even that book title says a lot, doesn't it? Those of us who grew up striving for perfection know all too well the stresses of trying to do it all—or trying to be everything to everybody. It's exhausting. It's guaranteed disappointment and unhappiness. It leads to resentment. And it's absolutely impossible. And the more you show that you can do, the more others expect from you. So it doesn't end ... until you decide to stop it yourself.
Letting go of perfectionism means learning to say "No," and it means learning how to set boundaries.
If you have issues with perfectionism and want to let go, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You do not have to continue down that difficult and no-win road. Think of how freeing it will be to let go of that heavy weight.
Even that book title says a lot, doesn't it? Those of us who grew up striving for perfection know all too well the stresses of trying to do it all—or trying to be everything to everybody. It's exhausting. It's guaranteed disappointment and unhappiness. It leads to resentment. And it's absolutely impossible. And the more you show that you can do, the more others expect from you. So it doesn't end ... until you decide to stop it yourself.
Letting go of perfectionism means learning to say "No," and it means learning how to set boundaries.
If you have issues with perfectionism and want to let go, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You do not have to continue down that difficult and no-win road. Think of how freeing it will be to let go of that heavy weight.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Be who you are
I've said many times in these blogs that I'm a recovering perfectionist. I know first-hand how damaging perfectionism can be.
So the other day when I reread something I'd read several years ago, it spoke anew to me. "Perfectionism and blind duty can ravage a woman's body, spirit, emotions, relationships, self-respect, self-care and equanimity," I read in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul. The authors, Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick, went on to say a couple more things that spoke to me: "Do not try to transform yourself. Move into yourself." And "It is easier to try to be better than you are than to be who you are."
Oh, my, that's a lot to digest. They are right, though, aren't they? It is not easy to be who we really are. To feel comfortable in our own skins and claim all the goodness right along with the shadow sides of ourselves. To truly "move into" our own bodies and personalities. To own all that we are and can be. It is easier to push ourselves to try for perfection.
The authors also wrote, "Perfection does not allow for feeling." And in the margins I wrote "... or for healing!"
Let's not accept society's ideas of the perfect woman. Instead, let's just inhabit our own lives, with all the good and bad of that. Moving into ourselves is a process. It may take most of our lives. That's OK. I'm fine with saying I'm a work-in-progress. How about you?
So the other day when I reread something I'd read several years ago, it spoke anew to me. "Perfectionism and blind duty can ravage a woman's body, spirit, emotions, relationships, self-respect, self-care and equanimity," I read in Coming Home to Myself: Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul. The authors, Marion Woodman and Jill Mellick, went on to say a couple more things that spoke to me: "Do not try to transform yourself. Move into yourself." And "It is easier to try to be better than you are than to be who you are."
Oh, my, that's a lot to digest. They are right, though, aren't they? It is not easy to be who we really are. To feel comfortable in our own skins and claim all the goodness right along with the shadow sides of ourselves. To truly "move into" our own bodies and personalities. To own all that we are and can be. It is easier to push ourselves to try for perfection.
The authors also wrote, "Perfection does not allow for feeling." And in the margins I wrote "... or for healing!"
Let's not accept society's ideas of the perfect woman. Instead, let's just inhabit our own lives, with all the good and bad of that. Moving into ourselves is a process. It may take most of our lives. That's OK. I'm fine with saying I'm a work-in-progress. How about you?
Thursday, October 23, 2014
An unexpected gift
Everyday experiences and objects can be our teachers. Have you discovered that, too?
In August one of my out-of-town granddaughters and I enjoyed another of our annual Grandma Days. One of the many fun things we did that day was each design a glass sushi plate at a glass-fusion art studio. We had great fun selecting the various colors of glass with which to decorate our plates, scoring and cutting the glass, and then laying out the design we each created. Our inner artists came out to play that day.
We didn't get to take the plates home since the fusing had yet to be done by the studio. Recently when I visited my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter again, I got to see the finished products and bring mine home. Olivia's plate was perfect. Mine was beautiful, too, but it had a little bump in part of the design where a tiny glass bead hadn't melted down for some reason. Everything else was fine except for that little knob of glass (really, only about 1/8 inch in diameter). It bothered me at first, and I was upset that it happened.
The more I thought about it, however, the better I felt about it. I've decided that not only will this plate remind me of the wonderful day Olivia and I spent but it will remind me of the importance of imperfection. Perfectionism is a heavy load to carry around. I know—because I did it for years. I'm trying to be OK now with being imperfect, and I'm learning about the gifts in that. I more easily take risks (reaching out to someone I might not have before, for example) because I don't have to worry so much about being perfect. I am more compassionate because I acknowledge my own flaws and am comfortable in my skin. I can better accept myself—and others.
There are many more gifts, too. If you want to read more about imperfection, I recommend research professor Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
thurs
In August one of my out-of-town granddaughters and I enjoyed another of our annual Grandma Days. One of the many fun things we did that day was each design a glass sushi plate at a glass-fusion art studio. We had great fun selecting the various colors of glass with which to decorate our plates, scoring and cutting the glass, and then laying out the design we each created. Our inner artists came out to play that day.
We didn't get to take the plates home since the fusing had yet to be done by the studio. Recently when I visited my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter again, I got to see the finished products and bring mine home. Olivia's plate was perfect. Mine was beautiful, too, but it had a little bump in part of the design where a tiny glass bead hadn't melted down for some reason. Everything else was fine except for that little knob of glass (really, only about 1/8 inch in diameter). It bothered me at first, and I was upset that it happened.
The more I thought about it, however, the better I felt about it. I've decided that not only will this plate remind me of the wonderful day Olivia and I spent but it will remind me of the importance of imperfection. Perfectionism is a heavy load to carry around. I know—because I did it for years. I'm trying to be OK now with being imperfect, and I'm learning about the gifts in that. I more easily take risks (reaching out to someone I might not have before, for example) because I don't have to worry so much about being perfect. I am more compassionate because I acknowledge my own flaws and am comfortable in my skin. I can better accept myself—and others.
There are many more gifts, too. If you want to read more about imperfection, I recommend research professor Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
thurs
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Self-compassion and perfectionism
Do you deal with perfectionism? I do. I often say I'm a "recovering perfectionist," although some days I have to question the recovering part. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brene Brown says perfectionism is about acceptance and earning approval. "Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it." Oh, yes. I learned that well.
Brown goes on to say, "To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion." I agree. For me, the work on being more vulnerable is an ongoing task. And self-compassion is such an important piece of that work.
Are you familiar with the term "self-compassion"? I hadn't really heard it until I saw a TED Talk by Dr. Kristin Neff on the subject. Boiled down to its most basic form, self-compassion is about not being so hard on yourself. Treat yourself the same way as you would a dear friend or beloved family member. Encourage rather than criticize yourself. Stop with the self-judgment already.
If you're a perfectionist and could do with a little more self-compassion, choose one thing you can change today. Work on it each day for a month. Remember, it takes a long time to develop new habits. And if you'd like to discuss this topic (with a recovering perfectionist!), I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation session.
Brown goes on to say, "To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion." I agree. For me, the work on being more vulnerable is an ongoing task. And self-compassion is such an important piece of that work.
Are you familiar with the term "self-compassion"? I hadn't really heard it until I saw a TED Talk by Dr. Kristin Neff on the subject. Boiled down to its most basic form, self-compassion is about not being so hard on yourself. Treat yourself the same way as you would a dear friend or beloved family member. Encourage rather than criticize yourself. Stop with the self-judgment already.
If you're a perfectionist and could do with a little more self-compassion, choose one thing you can change today. Work on it each day for a month. Remember, it takes a long time to develop new habits. And if you'd like to discuss this topic (with a recovering perfectionist!), I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation session.
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