Anger's good side

It's clear to me that there's a large amount of anger in our country right now. And no wonder, really. We are experiencing many changes—in our economy, in what we consider "civil discourse," in norms that we'd come to expect (for example, that it was safe to go to the mall or a theater), in some of our institutions and so much more. And many people still struggle to replace lost jobs and income, to get by on less and to hang onto what they consider "the American dream." Add to that all our personal struggles with illness, career, relationships and more—and it's no surprise we experience anger.

Anger in and of itself is not bad. Anger is a necessary emotion, in fact. It can remind us that we've just witnessed or experienced injustice, and so it can serve as a call to action. It can protect us, reminding us of danger and the need to create safety and boundaries. Anger often has messages for us. It may flag to us that we have some unresolved grief and loss issues, things we've not acknowledged or grieved yet. For example, I just read about a woman who had completely buried her grief and pain about being raped 50 years ago (at a time when she knew she'd likely be re-victimized if she talked about it to anyone).

What we do with anger is what's important. Notice it. Acknowledge it. See what lessons might be learned from the anger. Do you have grief you've not faced yet, for example? Is it telling you that you need better boundaries with someone in your life? Once you have gleaned the lessons, let go, let go, let go of the anger. You definitely do not need it anymore. It'll be a ball-and-chain if you hang onto it.

It's essential that we learn to deal openly and healthily with our anger—not that we suppress it but also not that we use it to lash out at others. It needs to be processed. And then, shed.

You set the boundaries

As women, we often say "yes" when we really would like to say "no." That's where good boundaries come in. Just as property ownership requires good boundaries to mark where your land begins and your neighbor's ends, so too in our relationships, we need good boundaries.

Perhaps you've experienced someone stepping over a line for you—or you've said "yes" way too many times and are now angry and resentful. Boundaries are a cure for that.

It's not always easy to learn to set boundaries if you've been used to doing whatever others want and disregarding your own wants and needs. But it's never too late. First, you need to determine what you want and need. Second, you need to (gently) let others know. I say "gently" because boundaries aren't about punishing others. They're simply like fences to let others know how far they may go.

Say you don't want to serve on the hospitality committee any longer. You've done it for years. It really is okay to say, "It's time for me to step away from this." You don't need to offer an explanation—unless you wish to do so. But saying "no" doesn't require it. Or say you don't like when a friend always assumes you're going to drive when you go places with her. You get to say "no" to that. It's okay to suggest that you take turns.

Perhaps someone speaks to you in a way you don't like. You get to say that it's not acceptable.

Finally, you determine consequences if the behavior persists. It's okay to say that if this behavior persists, you'll walk away when the negativity occurs. If it doesn't stop at all, you get to decide whether you need to even walk away from the relationship. You're the only one who can decide where to erect your fences or boundaries and what will happen when they're breached. Again, this isn't about punishment. It's simply about maintaining your boundaries and staying healthy.

You set the limits

We hear a lot these days about setting boundaries. These are like fences that let others know what you will and will not accept by way of behavior from them. Mind you, boundaries aren't walls that shut others out. They are more like fences—and you can have gates and openings for people to get through. But you have conditions on who's let in.

If you have trouble setting limits for others or making boundaries, you aren't alone by any means. Many people have trouble with boundaries—and many people let others walk all over them and end up angry and resentful when it happens. You can change that, however. It's your choice. You get to set limits.

Boundaries aren't punitive. They are simply straightforward. For example, you may tell those close to you that you will not accept name-calling or put-downs from them. You also let them know what you intend to do if they continue the behavior. If they persist in calling you names or putting you down, you follow through with what you said you would do. You may tell someone, "I will not allow you to call me names anymore. If you continue, I will leave the room. If you persist long-term, I will need to leave the relationship." That's pretty straightforward. The thing is: You must follow through with what you've said you will do if the behavior continues. If you do not, expect more name-calling.

Boundary-setting takes practice. But it does get easier in time. If you would like to learn more, please contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation strategy session.

In charge or in control?

Larry Eisenberg, 96-year-old science fiction writer, said, "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."

That made me laugh when I first read it. However, it contains more truth than poetry! We don't honestly think that we are the general manager of the universe. But sometimes don't we act as though we are? We think we have far more control than we really do have. We worry about things as though we really are in control. And yet, when it comes right down to it, we control precious little.

That said, we do have charge of some things in our lives. We make choices about whether we struggle against change or whether we accept it and move along with it. We make choices about our attitudes toward others and toward life in general. We make choices about our actions, whether to spray our anger and fears out onto others or whether to deal with them in a calm, less hurtful manner. So many choices. We are in charge of those and other choices.

It's good to know the difference between being in charge of things in our life and being in control. And it's good to know the boundaries of what's ours to manage and what's not.

Boundaries, bullies & balance

I can't tell you how many people these days tell me about workplace bullies and boundary issues. The bullying problems that children have in grade school and that follow them all through high school and into college don't stop once they get into the workplace. Sadly, some people continue to harass and bully others even when they become adults. So we have to deal with this for much of our life. And it's downright painful.

Boundaries are essential borders each of us sets around what behavior we'll accept from others and what behavior we won't endure. They are crucial when it comes to bullies. Sometimes bullies don't even see the hurt they cause. Perhaps they are so tuned in only to themselves or they are emotionally unaware. It's always worthwhile to try confront a bully who has disrespected or mistreated you in the workplace. You need to do so calmly, however; otherwise, the message will be lost as a bully likely will escalate the behavior if she/he feels threatened. Calmly state your desire: "Please do not shout at me when you ask me for something you need," for example. You may want to add the consequence if the behavior continues: "When you shout at me in the future, I will need to leave the room. I will be unable to fulfill your request. However, if you can speak to me respectfully, I will continue our interaction."

Don't give up if the behavior persists. Continue to calmly state your desire. Of course, if the behavior continues for weeks and months, you will want to consider stronger actions, such as keeping a written record of the behavior and reporting to a supervisor.

There's no doubt that it's difficult to keep a balance between ignoring bullies and confronting them by setting boundaries. And it's especially tricky in a workplace where you fear reprisal either from the bully or from management. As we know all too well, sometimes the bullies appear to win the day. However, your well-being and emotional health matter. So you need to do whatever you can to stay in balance. If you would like to discuss this in a complimentary coaching strategy session, I invite you to contact me.

Enough with the self-righteousness already

Her advice makes so much sense, but it isn't always easy for those of us who learned to be people-pleasers as we grew up. We women seem to have special problems with that.  Anyway, here's what research professor and author Brené Brown says about boundaries and resentment in her book Rising Strong:

"The trick to staying out of resentment is maintaining better boundaries—blaming others less and holding myself more accountable for asking for what I need and want. ... I need to take responsibility for my own well-being." Further, she says that self-righteousness is dangerous—and that "I'm better than you" and "I'm not good enough" are "two sides of the same coin."

Wow, that's huge. Or at least it is for me. I need to let her words really sink in for me. I know boundaries are important, and I am aware that I need to ask for what I want and need. Acting on it is quite another thing. And avoiding self-righteousness and judgment, those are downright difficult. But Brown is correct: Self-righteousness is dangerous. It definitely puts a huge barrier between us and others.

Recently I saw the question posed: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship? That really sums up the problem with self-righteousness. It's a relationship-killer. As always, you and I have a choice.

How are your boundaries?

I know I write a lot about the importance of personal boundaries. But I've dealt with it in my life, and I have so many clients who have, too. In addition to that, I hear so many women (and men, too) talking about how "used" they feel—as though people are really taking advantage of their good-hearted and generous nature.

Does any of that describe you? Do you say "Yes" more often than you'd like—and perhaps end up resentful later?

If so, it might be a good idea to work on developing, and keeping, personal boundaries. Those are like little fences that keep you safe from those attitudes, requests, behaviors and words that are harmful to you. They can help you learn to say "No" when you need to do so. Boundaries are not punitive. And you are the one who gets to decide what yours are. You are the only one who knows where to draw the line in terms of how others treat you. Is someone "guilting" you into always doing what they want? You get to say "No" to that, if that's in your best interest. And, of course, there are ways of saying "No" to words, behaviors and requests that are kind rather than hurtful.

When you set boundaries, you get to also say what the consequences are for breaking them. For example, I might tell my friends that I don't like raised voices. Then I can tell them that if they do yell at me, I will leave the room. If they persist in their behavior, I may eventually have to leave the relationship. All those things are within my right to decide—and to do.

If this is something you'd like to discuss, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Say 'No' to perfectionism

As a recovering perfectionist, I really love this saying: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." This quote is from now-dead Harriet Braiker, clinical psychologist and self-help author who wrote the book, The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody, which described the stresses of balancing family and career.

Even that book title says a lot, doesn't it? Those of us who grew up striving for perfection know all too well the stresses of trying to do it all—or trying to be everything to everybody. It's exhausting. It's guaranteed disappointment and unhappiness. It leads to resentment. And it's absolutely impossible. And the more you show that you can do, the more others expect from you. So it doesn't end ... until you decide to stop it yourself.

Letting go of perfectionism means learning to say "No," and it means learning how to set boundaries.

If you have issues with perfectionism and want to let go, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You do not have to continue down that difficult and no-win road. Think of how freeing it will be to let go of that heavy weight.

You have the power to choose

"Allowing people inside your life is a beautiful thing. Letting go of people who drain your spirit is another beautiful thing you can do for your life. The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go."

These powerful words come from the inspirational author Dodinsky. And while they seem pretty straightforward, I'm not sure we always see ourselves as having choices when it comes to what (or whom) we let into our lives or don't.

It's really about setting boundaries for ourselves. Boundaries are similar to fences. We create them as a way of using our "power to choose" what (and whom) to accept and not accept into our lives. Setting boundaries requires us to first decide what behavior and type of talk we will (and will not) allow into our lives. Then we also get to decide what we will do once someone says or does a thing we have decided not to allow into our lives. This consequence isn't about being punitive or manipulative. It simply states the consequence of someone crossing that boundary line.

It's just important to know that we don't have to allow someone in who is toxic and drains our spirit. And, yes, it's beautiful to allow people inside your life. Just be sure to create boundaries for yourself. You do have the power.

Basic boundaries

We haven't talked about boundaries for a long time. And it's easy to forget sometimes that boundaries are a way that we respect ourselves. It's a way we protect ourselves from unwanted or inappropriate behavior. It's really a form of self-care. And we know how important self-care is to good health.

Is boundary-setting automatic for you? If so, be grateful that you learned that lesson somewhere along the way. Perhaps you don't even have to think about boundaries any more. That's wonderful.

But if you find yourself resentful of others more times than not—or find yourself wishing that you'd said or done something to prevent yourself from feeling used, put-upon or stepped on—perhaps it's time to think again about establishing boundaries.

Boundaries aren't meant to be punishment for someone else. They're neither punitive nor manipulative. Boundaries simply tell others what you will and will not tolerate and accept by way of words and/or actions. You name the behavior you will not tolerate, you tell the person how the behavior makes you feel, and you say the action you will take to protect yourself should the behavior persist. It's that simple.

Of course, we know it really isn't simple. If it were, none of us would have boundary issues. Sometimes we let people walk over us or push us into things we don't want to do because we want their approval or their love. So we need to ask ourselves whether that love or approval is really worth what we suffer through with the particular behavior that bothers us. And then we need to decide what we'll do. For example, you might say to someone, "When you yell at me, I feel afraid both physically and emotionally; and when you do that in the future, I will leave the room (or the house or whatever)."

If you have questions about establishing boundaries, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Mind your boundaries

A client recently told me about difficulties with a person in her life who has real control issues. My client said she was trying to set boundaries but the other person wasn't respecting her boundaries.

That often happens. The boundaries we set are for us—it's to remind ourselves of what we will and will not accept in terms of the behavior of others. If others do not respect those boundaries, it's up to us to follow through on whatever we've decided we will do when others cross the lines we've set. For example, you might decide that you don't want anyone to yell at you; it's too upsetting for you. Others will need to speak in a moderate tone of voice, or you will leave the room. If it continues, you may even decide to leave the house or building—or even to leave the relationship. That's completely your decision—and you need to let offending people know this is your boundary.

Your action depends on how much a particular behavior upsets you. You get to set your own boundaries. They are not to punish others. They are simply your own rules for what you will do when someone crosses a boundary. If you don't follow through, of course, people won't respect your boundaries.

As I told my client, "You're only responsible for the effort, not the outcome." In other words, it's up to her to set and maintain her boundaries. If the other person doesn't respect them, that's not my client's responsibility. She isn't responsible for the outcome. But stating her boundaries and sticking to them is her responsibility.

If you have questions with boundaries or problems with maintaining them, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session. It's an important part of our life together in community.

Compassion's downside

Some of my clients are compassionate and beautiful people who have a difficult time not caretaking others. Their own needs often go unmet, and they burn out over time. They often grow extremely resentful of the time and attention others suck out of them. Self-care often isn't in their vocabulary. Are you one of those people?

Compassion for others is beautiful. It's an important quality. But it can be hurtful to you, too. I especially like author Melody Beattie's take on it: "The lesson I was learning involved the idea that I could feel compassion for people without acting on it." That's really an essential learning for people who tend to be codependent, who haven't yet established good boundaries for themselves, and who caretake others to the point where their needs go unnoticed and untended.  Again, Beattie says: "Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors." She knows because she's dealt with that in her own life.

If that's an issue for you, I invite you to tend to it. Beattie has written several books that might be helpful. Or talk with a counselor. If you'd simply like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary, no-obligation session on the topic.

Boundaries aren't selfish

Many of us have trouble saying "No" and setting boundaries in our relationships with others. Is that you? Do you let your family and friends dump on you and expect you to: a) listen to all the drama of their lives (some of which may seem like a broken record to you) or b) do something about their drama? Or maybe both? Are you the one who always gives and gives to others, while getting crumbs from them at best? You meet their needs but yours go unnoticed?

Boundaries are an extremely important part of relationships—and something many of us didn't learn as we grew up. Boundaries are really for you. They're not meant as punishment for others. They are the limits you set for yourself on what you will accept and what you won't. For example, if you have a family member or friend who uses you as a sounding board for the same gripe session day after day, you do have a right to set limits. For one thing, it is probably getting very old for you to listen to the same refrain over and over when clearly nothing is being done to change the situation. For another, it's not helping the other person move forward when you continue to listen. You may want to stop the broken record by saying you've been hearing this for so long and are really helpless to do anything about it; you don't care to hear it anymore. And you may want to ask the person what they intend to do to change the situation.

It isn't selfish to set such boundaries. It's really a form of self-care. Hearing these sad stories when you're helpless to change anything takes a toll on you. Saying "Yes" to everyone else's needs and requests while letting yours go unspoken and untended also takes a toll. Self-care and self-compassion just make sense. None of us gets all our needs met. But everyone deserves to have attention to their needs. Think about what boundaries you may need to set. If you wish to talk this over, please contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

You have a right

Last week I discovered a personal bill of rights on a website, and I want to share some of the items with you because I think they're worth noting and thinking about.

Here are some of the things to which you have a right, according to this website:

• To ask for what you want.
• To refuse requests or demands you can't meet.
• To express all your feelings, positive or negative.
• To change your mind.
• To make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
• To follow your own values and standards.
• To say no to anything when you feel you're not ready, it's unsafe or it violates your values.
• To be uniquely yourself.
• To say you don't know.
• To feel scared and say you're afraid.

Many more rights were listed. The advice given was to post the list in a conspicuous place and carefully read it every day. Over time, the site said, you'll believe it.

Here's an idea: Write your own personal bill of rights. What would you add to such a list? This might be a good exercise for any of us. It can be especially helpful if you struggle with boundary issues and feel that people take advantage of your good nature.

Learn to say 'No'

Setting boundaries and saying "No" aren't always easy. This is particularly true for women, who seem to be the caregivers and caretakers of the world.

It's good to ask ourselves what price we pay when we say "Yes" too much. Exhaustion and high stress can be part of the cost. Resentment surely enters the picture. We may feel anger at ourselves because we're doing things we don't want to do. We may even feel dishonest because we're not telling the truth when we say "Yes, I'd love to help out."

There's a cost to saying "No" but it's one we can move beyond. When we say "No," we may feel guilt afterward. But in time, we can let go of that as a consequence. Remember that "No" really is a complete sentence, too. You do not have to offer an explanation of why you can't fulfill the other person's request. And definitely don't apologize. It simply isn't necessary. You do have a right to refuse a request, after all.

Rather than just saying "No," a friend of mine says, "That isn't my cup of tea." She offers no other explanation, and she says that's generally accepted without any questions asked. That's another option.

Practice this behavior until it becomes easier for you to "just say 'no'." Boundaries are really important to our health and well-being. It's a matter of self-care.

Mind your own business

As a life coach, I don't see myself as the expert on anyone else's life. I am there to listen, ask questions, suggest alternative views, perhaps turn a few things upside down to spur creativity,  suggest resources and activities, but mostly to help clients access their own wisdom and answers—and help them set actionable goals.

That said, however, I have long been one of those people to whom family and friends have come to talk and sometimes seek advice. While that fact played a huge part in my decision to take training and get certified as a life coach, it can also be a danger: I don't want to ever start believing that I'm an expert in anyone's life but my own. If I ever get to the point where I think I am or where I focus entirely on the issues of others rather than my own, I'm in big trouble. It's an important boundary for me as a life coach.

It's also an important boundary for each of us as humans who walk together with others in relationship. In her book The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Goldhor Lerner says as much when she writes that an attitude of "'I-know-what's-best-for-you' precludes the possibility of intimacy and makes it much harder for other persons to assume responsibility for solving their own problems and managing their own pain."

She reminds us that "as we become less of an expert on the other, we become more of an expert on the self." And as we know, the only person we can even hope to change is our self ... and that's not always a walk in the park! It's good to remember to mind our own business ... even when we're walking alongside each other in tough times.

Practice makes perfect—or brings empowerment anyway

 Once you are aware of your need for better boundaries in relationships and once you begin to value yourself and recognize your right to express your opinion and have your needs met, it's time to practice.

Start with someone in your life whom you consider safe and trustworthy. Practice expressing your wishes. When it's time to decide where to go out to eat or which movie to see, simply say, "I've been wanting to see such and such a movie" or, "I'd love to eat at such and such a restaurant tonight." It's just that simple. State clearly what you would like to do. Start with choices that don't have lots of attachment for you or the other person. You may not want to begin with something like a career or moving decision!

Sometimes you'll get some push-back from the other person, especially if they aren't accustomed to you ever saying what you'd like. Simply repeat what you've said—or even acknowledge that you don't often say what you'd like but that you want to do so more often and this is a movie (or restaurant) you really would like. You don't need to get argumentative or defensive. Simply state what you'd like. Own it as your choice.

Build on each success and try boundary-setting with other people as well. Try more important decisions once you've gotten more comfortable with the process. You will become more comfortable each time you do this. And you definitely will feel empowered and happy. I've had clients with boundary issues say that, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being in a very good place) they feel about 2 or 3. And after some success with setting boundaries, they are at 7 or 8. It really does get easier the more you do it.

Awareness comes first

Yesterday I talked briefly about setting boundaries in your relationships and interactions with others. The first step in creating such boundaries is the awareness that you need them. If something is "pinching" in your relationships in the same way too-tight shoes cause discomfort, pay attention. If you find yourself saying, "I never get a say in what my friends and I do"—or "I'm always the one who has to (fill in the blank here)....", perhaps it's time to ask why that is and to make some changes.

It's said that we teach others how to treat us by the ways we interact with them. If we accept dismissive treatment and if we go along with everything others decide, we're teaching them that we don't value ourselves and our own opinions. And they won't value us either.

Start by noticing how you are with others. Do you feel that there's a good give-and-take in your relationships? Do you have an equal voice with others in your friendship groups? In your primary relationship or other significant ones? Or are you acting in a passive manner and then finding yourself angry with others later because your needs weren't considered?

Boundary-setting begins with an inside job. You need to first value your self! Once you feel good about yourself and know your value and worth, you will communicate that to others. If you aren't there yet, it might be time to read some books on increasing your self-esteem. You might start each day by listing two things you like about yourself (if that's too difficult for you, and often it can be, ask someone close to you what they see in you and start with that). You may want to post affirmations around your house to remind you of your worth—"I am good, just as I am." "I was created with value, and I am beautiful." "I have everything I need to make my life healthy and good." "I am loved." "I am strong and resilient." Or whatever works for you.

Keep building on that feeling of self-worth. It's impossible to set boundaries until you feel that you have a right to do so.

Set & guard your boundaries

Are you good at knowing when to say "Yes" and when to say "No"? Does it make a difference whether the person you're responding to is a loved one or a stranger? Maintaining personal boundaries can be a challenge. Some of us are more attuned to the wants and feelings of others and make it our goal to serve them and their needs, with little attention to what we might want or feel. Over time, that can create a bucket full of resentment and anger.

Women often are raised to think of the needs of others. In addition, we're often extremely relationship-oriented, so putting others first can come with the territory.

We need to be careful, however, and not over-extend ourselves. We need to not accept behavior that is dismissive or abusive. We need to be sure our own needs get met—at least enough of them that we aren't angry and resentful about the things we do for others.

I remember when my sons got older and after my divorce, I wondered whether I was being selfish for asking the question: What do I want now? I wasn't accustomed to thinking of what I wanted. All these years later, however, I know it isn't selfish. It's healthy to ask such a question. It's important to establish boundaries in our relationships with others. You and I need to let others know what we expect and what we will accept from them in terms of their behavior toward us. It's appropriate to let others know that we wish to be treated with dignity and respect. It's appropriate and healthy to have expectations of them just as we have expectations of how we will treat others.

Please contact me if you would like to do some coaching around the issue of boundaries. It's an extremely important topic and one that snags many of us as women. It doesn't need to remain troublesome, however.

Don't be afraid to set boundaries

So many of my clients deal with boundary issues. I deal with those myself plenty of times. A lot of what we confront on a daily basis comes under the umbrella of "boundary issues."

When someone misses the deadline of when they were to have a promised assignment to me and still expects the same quick turnaround I'd promised when I thought I'd have it earlier, that's a boundary issue. If this happens time after time and I say nothing, I'm teaching that person that it's OK to disregard deadlines with me. I'm teaching that person that it's quite OK to take their own sweet time getting something to me and still expect that I'll do a quick turnaround.

When a person committed to a date and time with me and didn't show up or even let me know they wouldn't show up, that's a boundary issue for me. I need to set my boundaries of what I will accept and what I won't accept. And that's not to say there's no grace when emergencies come up. That's different!

When a friend regularly puts me down or makes fun of me and I say nothing but am deeply hurt by it, that's a boundary issue. It's up to me to speak up. 

When a colleague always insists on "my way or the highway," that's a boundary issue. It's up to me to say what I want and need. If I don't say so, I have no right to complain later or to be resentful.

And when I constantly give advice to others (when it's not sought) rather than tending to my own garden, I have a boundary issue I need to examine.

Look at how well you keep boundaries. Need to make some changes? And be aware of things in your life that cross your boundaries. Perhaps you are doing things for others that leave you resentful and angry later. Check out what's really happening. Do you need to set some boundaries? Do you need to say what you want and need? What you will or won't accept?