Freeing up time

Only one week until Christmas. I'm trying to keep a lid on the busyness this year. While I enjoy buying gifts for those I love, wrapping them, baking some of my traditional cookies, singing the beloved carols and spending time with those I love, I'm not crazy about the high stress of rushing around. So I'm trying to do a little less and enjoy this time even more.

Those efforts are part of an over-all effort on my part to cut back on busyness and high stress. There are things I want to do in whatever remains of my life that simply aren't getting done.

So, to assist in that whole move toward what the Danish call hygge (a term that means well-being, simplicity, coziness, being with those you love and more all wrapped up in one—something that perhaps seems unAmerican!), I'm going to stop doing blogs every week beginning in the new year.

I will continue to send out my monthly ezine. If you haven't yet signed up for that, notice the opportunity to the right of this blog to "Subscribe to our mailing list." If you do so, you will receive the three free gifts initially and then receive an ezine once a month only. I don't sell your name to anyone. I don't send you anything additional. Only the monthly ezine, which is similar to a blog and only slightly longer in format.

I will use the time that I've been spending on blogs doing some of the things that have long been on my to-do wish list. Who knows? Someday I may resume blogs. But after another week, they'll disappear for a while. My blog archive still remains on this site, however. So feel free to help yourself to any of them going way back to 2012.

Deep breaths. Time to de-stress.

How are you handling your stress these days? Do you have some tried-and-true methods of either keeping it at low levels or letting it go once you feel it?

Whatever tools you have to deal with stress, now is probably the time to dig them out of your toolbox. This month is Thanksgiving, and we all know Christmas and the busy holiday season come right on the heels of that. Even when you try to limit your activities and your to-do list at this time of year, it still can easily get out of hand.

So take some deep breaths. Get back to exercising, meditation, yoga, quiet reading time or time with friends—whatever it is that helps you keep your equilibrium when life gets crazy. Try to get out ahead of all the stress. And perhaps even make a vow this year to limit some of the activities or some of the expectations you put on yourself. Take time to enjoy this special time of year. Be grateful for these special times and don't let the stress get you down!

Regaining balance

 My sister and I have been battling since last fall with a financial institution over a long-term care insurance claim for a family member who has dementia. The first two attempts at a claim were denied on the basis of this not being a "chronic illness"!! Seriously. We were not about to give up, however, since the contract clearly stated that assisted living costs were covered for "cognitive impairment," which dementia certainly is. Sorry, folks, but it is chronic.

We provided all manner of proof—doctor's statements, neurologist reports, results from a battery of neuropsych tests, a care plan by the assisted living facility stating all the staff needed to do to assist with daily living, etc. By the third time we made the claim, we even involved a lawyer. Even so, we had to wait for nearly 3 months to finally receive notice that the claim was accepted. Not only did the company finally agree to pay but, per our request (though we dared not hope for this), made it retroactive to the time of our first claim.

So let's hear it for tenacity and persistence. That said, however, I was reminded a few days ago by a care practitioner that when we have fought so long for something, it's difficult to let go and get out of the "fight or flight" mode. I am definitely learning that. I celebrate this win and at the same time, I am still feeling that sense of high alert. This practitioner said it can take a while to reach homeostasis after such a long struggle. That was a good reminder.

If you have some ongoing stressful situation that's required you to struggle for something or against something, just remember this. Don't think something is wrong with you if you can't immediately let go of the situation. Take some deep breaths ... and slowly, let your body and mind relax again. You will regain your balance. It just takes time. And it does help to talk about it with others. Please contact me if you need to discuss this type of thing with someone.

One step at a time

I am so stressed right now. It seems that a few people near and dear to me need major help with life issues, and I want to be there for them. In one case, it involves lots of detail work, phone calls, letters and emails—plus some huge on-site tasks, too. It means long-distance drives, arranging for doctor appointments, cleaning out a house to sell and more. Yikes.

My sister reminds me to "take one crisis at a time." She's right. That's plenty. And even at that, I've always advised people to break major crises or tasks into smaller, achievable pieces. It's that old question of how you eat an elephant—one small bite at a time!

So I'm trying to heed my sister's and my own advice. One thing at a time—and break that down into an action plan of small chunks. One step at a time, and I will be able to help those I love deal with these big things that have so affected their lives.

Meanwhile, I need to remember to breathe. And I need to engage in self-care such as my yoga class, massages and time with dear friends.

How do you handle stressful times?

Remember to breathe

I've been on the go far too much for my serenity lately. Many of the trips I've taken have been fun, and the activities are good. I just haven't had enough time to breathe. When that happens, it's too easy to slip into a state of overwhelm.

It reminds me of my days as a journalist. When we laid out the pages of our magazine, we made sure to leave a lot of white space around the words and the photos, too. Our eyes can only take so much and we need white space to break up the stimuli greeting us (or attacking us, if it's too much!) on each page.

Our lives aren't so different. We need white space in between all the activities and events on our calendars. We need to be able to breathe. To reflect. To assess. To limit our stress.

Are you getting enough white space in your life? If not, try to create it.

Social media is exhausting

Recently I read an interesting article in USA Today that told me this: "Exhaustion. Weariness. Fatigue. Whichever phrase you prefer, recurring tiredness seems to be the new normal for a growing number of people, regardless of their age or background."

The article went on to say, "Causes range from illnesses such as anemia, depression, hypothyroidism, diabetes and heart disease to the increasing use of technology and its implications on our mental well-being."

That's right. It said that Facebook, Twitter and Instagram wear us out. It's not just the time we spend on those social media but also the stress of the urgency of social media and the feeling of overwhelm at knowing what's happening all over the world. The chair of a behavioral health service pointed out the complexity of our society and said, "We are dealing with perceived threats from everywhere, economic uncertainty; and we are in a constant state of fight and flight."

So if you're feeling run down and worn out, it might be more than your schedule. It could be that social media might be part of it. Does that resonate with you at all? If it does, a solution surely is within reach—cut back on social media time! Again, it is important to engage in good self-care. Reducing stress and knowing when to let go or say "No" are important pieces of self-care.

Stress & self-care

I'm rediscovering how easy it is to neglect self-care when our plates are loaded and overflowing with tasks and stressors.

I often blog about the importance of self-care because I do feel it's important. And yet here I am, still knee-deep in a more-than-full plate of tasks and feeling depleted and totally stressed out. And what things are falling off my daily routine? Yup, the good things that could feed me.

Yesterday my massage therapist reminded me about self-care. Oh, yes, there's that. I know better. And yet it's so easy to just keep on pushing, tackling the next item on the to-do list and then the next one—or worse yet, multitasking so I can get even more done at once (something I've heard really isn't efficient after all!).

Whew, deep breaths, Sonia. Take time for a walk. Do some journaling. More deep breaths. Chill for a while with some beautiful classical music. Remember to do my bone exercises and my yoga stretches. Call my beloved sister or another dear friend. There are so many options. And somehow the work always gets done anyway. In fact, it may get done more quickly and better if I actually take better care of myself.

How about you? Are you taking good care of yourself even in the crazy times?

Self-care for your neck

If you sit at a computer for great lengths of time, you may want to try these tips that I've learned from yoga to stretch out your neck. I spend a considerable time at the computer and as a result, deal with neck and shoulder issues. Actually, any type of sitting can lead to tightening up of neck and shoulder muscles. It stresses our bodies, particularly if we allow our posture to slouch or our heads to drop down. So good self-care is important. Here's something you may want to try. Do it after sitting for 60 or 90 minutes and repeat as needed:

• Stand up and inhale while lifting your chin up toward the ceiling. Exhale while dropping your chin to your chest.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you turn your head to the right.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you turn it to the left.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you drop your right ear toward your right shoulder.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center and exhale as you drop your left ear toward your left shoulder.
• Inhale as you bring your head back to center.
• Do a few deep breaths in and out before resuming your seated pose. 

There, don't you feel a bit more stretched out and open now? Self-care is a good and necessary part of life—with more benefits than we can imagine. Go ahead and treat yourself.

Letting life unfold

Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose specialty is mindfulness-based stress reduction, has a lovely way of describing how we can simply let life unfold. Make no mistake, however, letting life simply unfold isn't simple! Most of us tend to try force things into our preconceived notions of how they should be. Often, that doesn't work out—have you noticed?

Anyway, here's what Kabat-Zinn says: "Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Enormous effort can be involved, but it is a graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort, a doerless doing."

Got it? Hmmm, perhaps not. It really does go against the grain of our typical way of being. Perhaps you have learned how to allow things "to unfold in their own way." If so, kudos to you. I'm still trying to learn this. I know that forcing an outcome doesn't work. But just letting go and letting things be is difficult. It's a life lesson on which I'm working.

I wonder whether I shouldn't post Kabat-Zinn's words somewhere so I'll read them daily. Perhaps in time the "graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort" way of being might sink more deeply into my consciousness. That description intrigues and invites me. How about you?

Viewing stress in a new way

Yesterday we talked about the part stress plays in our lives, underscoring that we need a certain amount of stress to be revved up enough to perform and function optimally. We also discussed some of the ways we can de-stress when we are overloaded with stress. Too much stress isn't healthy.

In addition to finding ways to calm ourselves down when our stress is out of control or is chronic, we can learn to change our perception of things. We can challenge ourselves to see things differently so something we used to dread doesn't seem quite so threatening anymore.

Each of us has things that signal "danger" to us. Perhaps for you it's meeting people you don't know. Or it might be speaking up in a large group. Whatever it is, see whether there's a way to reframe the experience so it's less frightening—and eventually, perhaps not frightening at all. When you are able to change your perception and your thinking, you will be able to change the feeling that accompanies the experience. If entering a room of strangers seems frightening, try walking into that room with the idea that you might find just one person with whom you can converse—perhaps one new friend you haven't yet met! Search the faces to find the most inviting and least threatening one. That may seem less intimidating than thinking of an entire roomful of strangers. You might even walk over to that person and introduce yourself or ask a question.

If you are able to reframe some of your stress and build a toolkit for responding once stress overwhelms, you will help your body stay healthier. It's so worth it.

P.S. As I said yesterday, beginning in January 2017, I will post blogs three days a week rather than five. I'm happy to hear your topic ideas at sonia@way2growcoaching.com.

Plan to de-stress

Did you know that stress can be good? Typically, when we think of stress, we think of its negative effects. Stress is that heightened sense of alert when the body prepares for whatever is happening or coming. Without any stress at all, we'd be comatose. We wouldn't have the energy to make it through any tasks, much less through an entire day.

Perhaps you can recall times when you were to give a speech, make a presentation at work or perform in a recital. Your hands got sweaty, and you felt butterflies in your stomach—perhaps even a headache too. That's stress. And that's OK. Such signals help keep us on our toes and tell us that something important is about to happen. Unless we totally freak out at such things, that type of stress doesn't harm us, although it's still smart to find ways to calm yourself. 

However, what wears us down and can even cause health problems and damage to our immune systems is too much stress, acute stress or chronic stress. And that's such an individual thing. What pushes you over the edge may not do the same for me—and vice versa. So it's good to know your own limits and also to know your stress triggers. What's really good, too, is to know what works for you to de-stress. What calms you? Meditation? Prayer? A walk? Exercise? Quiet music? Journaling?

Just be sure you have a plan for de-stressing—a tool kit, as it were. It's not good for your body (or for your relationships or anything else either) to let your stress stay at an acute or chronic level.

P.S. This is just a heads-up for you about something that will reduce my stress level. Beginning in January 2017, I will be posting blogs three days a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday) rather than five days a week. If you have topics you would like to see addressed, I would love to hear from you at sonia@way2growcoaching.com.

Lobsters & stress

Did you know that we can learn something about stress from a lobster?

In a YouTube video, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski shares how a lobster can teach us how to learn from adversity. It involves learning to live with discomfort!

When the soft inside part of a lobster grows, the outer shell does not grow. That remains rigid. So a lobster goes under a rock to stay safe from predators and there it sheds its rigid shell. What an uncomfortable and vulnerable thing to do—to let go of the shell that stands between it and predators! But after the lobster sheds its shell, it grows a new one. The process repeats as the lobster grows.

The lesson Twerski teases out for us is that times of stress can be the impetus for growth. If we can live with some discomfort, we can experience growth. Perhaps that means we don't always need to reach so rapidly for relief for our discomfort. Lean into it a while and see what lessons are there.

For me, the lesson also involves learning to be vulnerable (losing some of my protective coating). Through that vulnerability can come huge transformational advances—real growth.

Who ever thought a lobster could teach us something? Next time you experience the uncomfortability of stress, picture the lobster going under a rock and facing the stress of life without its shell so that it can grow a new one. And take heart!

Try slowing down

In his new book A Mindful Morning, author David Dillard-Wright, Ph.D., professor at the University of South Carolina, Aiden, recommends starting the day doing everything we ordinarily do at 2/3 the pace. Drive more slowly, walk more slowly and talk more slowly.

He urges us to notice our reactions to the process, too, including fears that arise from not getting things done. Do other people notice any difference? Are they reacting positively or negatively? Does this change your powers of observation? Your attitude? Your feeling of connection to others?

I remember how intense I was in my career, always pushing hard to meet deadlines (I was a journalist after all!) and feeling stressed much of the time. One time in particular, I recall rushing into my editor's office to discuss something with him. He noticed how stressed and rushed I was and quietly urged me to sit on his couch and take some deep breaths. Whew! I did so ... and we had a calm conversation about the tasks facing us. It was a reminder to me that more can be gained sometimes from simply slowing down. The work still got done, and those deep breaths and that quiet conversation calmed me down.

Chill out!

Have you ever heard of a "chill out competition"? Almost seems like those two things would stand as opposites to one another, doesn't it?

Anyway, recently in Seoul, South Korea, this competition encouraged people to just unplug and space out. That's good, right?

Sixty contestants sat for 90 minutes in a park. They weren't allowed to talk, sleep, eat, use electronic devices, or move around much at all. The person with the most relaxed heart rate came out as the winner in this contest.

How do you think you would fare if such a competition were held in your town, city or community? It does raise the issue again of how fast-paced our lives can be and how it's good for our well-being to learn to slow down—to just chill! Living such high-stress lives is not good for our health. Aim for more calm and serenity.

Don't wait for a competition. Find ways to step back and "just be" for a while. Try doing it on a regular basis. Your heart will thank you. And I'm willing to bet your creativity will take a jump forward. Who knows, you might even be happier?

Anxiety: It's part of life

Anxiety. It's a common malady. And truly, don't you wonder whether we wouldn't all be better off simply accepting that we'll always suffer from some level of it?

We all have fantasies about how we'll rid ourselves of anxiety. Getting away. Travel to a beautiful location. Or a serene location. Finally having that beautiful home filled with labor-saving devices and all the lovely art objects to fill us with delight. That perfect job and perfect work colleagues. Maybe even a perfect boss. (Or is that too much of a dream?) The perfect spouse who completely understands us and with whom we never argue. Oh, and, of course, perfect children. Sure, right!

While it's a good idea to find ways to reduce our anxiety where possible, it may simply increase our anxiety to think that any of the things suggested above (or any other fantasies) will rid us of anxiety.

Why don't we simply accept that anxiety is part of being human just as is a certain amount of loneliness? Then we can get on with stress-management techniques that really do help us face the anxiety we experience and bring down the level. What works for you? Find some practices that reduce your anxiety, if it's higher than you'd like. And simply get on with life, knowing perfection isn't possible. Be okay with being human!

Stress and the heart

Recently I've mentioned the stress I'm feeling. Sue Patton Thoele in The Woman's Book of Spirit speaks of first becoming mentally aware of the stress and of also physically releasing the pent-up energy. And then she takes it a step further when she writes:

"Allowing our hearts to transform stress is the third step in siphoning it out of our bodies and souls. Move your awareness to your heart and visualize a symbol for the stress. Let the light and love of Spirit pour through you onto your symbol. Allow it to be transformed into peaceful energy. If it won't change, encase it in a container and put it on a remote shelf, and then surround yourself with a protective shield of light."

And she adds a mantra: "I take stress into my heart, and bless and transform it with love and light."

If you're a person who can work with images such as that, I highly recommend trying this. I definitely intend to do so. Telling myself to let it go simply isn't working this time!

Staying grounded in the chaos of life

Life is so complicated these days, isn't it? Little things become bigger and trip us up. I definitely discovered that last week.

I made plans for an overnight stay on our way from home in the Chicago area to Iowa for a beloved aunt's funeral. I called a motel in a town near where the funeral would be. I used the number listed on that motel's website. When we arrived at the motel, the desk clerk found absolutely no record of our reservation. What? I had even received a confirmation email, which in my haste I hadn't even checked carefully nor printed out (big mistake!). Anyway, the place had a room and at an even better rate, so all seemed to be well.

But once we were home again, I decided to check the confirmation email and discovered it was from an entirely different state. However, it listed the same phone number that was given on the other motel's website in the state where we did stay. So a motel in Minnesota lists the same number as one in Texas? What? After more than an hour on the phone both with my credit card company (yes, I was charged for the one in Texas, too!) and with the hotel group's customer care department, I still had no clarity. I'm supposed to get a call back. We'll see.

My point in this complex mess is that life's small details can sometimes pile up and bring more headaches than the larger events of life. There really is no way you can foresee some of these little things piling up until they hit. But it points out to me the importance of daily grounding—of doing everything we can to keep our balance, our centeredness, our equanimity. Sometimes that really gets tested, as it did for me last week. My stress level was already pretty high—and then I had to deal with this crazy confusion that no one else could explain either. I'm still hoping for recompense. In the meantime, deep breaths. Keep the larger picture, Sonia!

Let yourself be still

It's really tough to be still these days, isn't it? Both still on the outside—and also on the inside. Even if you get yourself to actually sit and do nothing (and how often does that even happen?), your mind is probably still racing in several directions. I know my mind does that. It's often called "monkey mind" because it jumps from one thing to another just as monkeys leap from one tree to another.

However, in this crazy-busy world that can often cause our stress levels to go off the charts, it's important to occasionally (and I would even say, regularly) do nothing—to observe sabbath or quiet time. It's healthy and transformative to put down our phones, devices and, yes, even our books. Just sit and try to quiet your mind. When thoughts come, just notice them running across your mind as though an airplane with a banner message were flying by. Let it come. Let it go. If you practice this for enough days and don't give up, soon you'll be able to go still at least for a time. And you'll be able to extend that time gradually.

Don't start with high expectations. Even if you sit for 3-5 minutes at first, that will probably seem like 20 or 30! Just be forgiving with yourself and don't give up. See if stillness and sabbath-time don't make you feel better—healthier, more creative, more compassionate, loving and forgiving. We all need to create some space in our lives where all the world's and our own cares don't crowd in and threaten to drown us. This helps us to stay centered and grounded.

Slowwww down!

Since my return a week ago from my trip to visit my youngest son and his family (with all the catch-up that any travel entails when we return), I've had two deaths in the family and today I have some minor surgery of my own. So I've been a bit stressed lately. The last couple days I found myself pushing even harder to get more done.

Then yesterday I read something about unhelpful thinking and working harder when under stress. I needed to hear this. What I read was that when we're in overwhelm or high stress mode, we tend to use the terms "must" and "should." The article suggested changing to gentler self-talk, using words such as "want" and "choose" that help us feel in charge and maintain perspective. Say you have a project you want to finish while you're in high stress mode. Instead of saying, "I must finish before the day is over," it might be more helpful to say, "I want to get it done today so I can spend some time relaxing with my family this weekend." It lowers the feeling of overwhelm and it invites you to think of a carrot at the end of that stick!

The article also said such thinking styles (must and should) can easily lead us to believe that we can do whatever we want to do (Superwoman rises again!) so we tend to push harder when under stress. Slow down, the article advised. It's what our bodies want when we're in overwhelm. Performance psychologist Jim Loehr says that our bodies and minds work best in sprints rather than marathons. Take some breaks. Connect with others. Connect with yourself. Do some mindfulness practices. Breathe deeply. Hmmm, perhaps it's time for me to listen to that good advice!

Up your happiness quotient

Do you sometimes find yourself feeling down even when there's nothing specific that looms as a cause? It's not at all uncommon. Interestingly, studies show that people who make "happy movements" actually feel happier. Jump up and down. Throw your firsts into the air. Smile and use positive facial expressions. Swing your arms. Put a spring in your step. I know it may sound fake and silly—but studies do show that it can improve mood.

Of course, we know that laughter is good for us. It increases immune activity and decreases stress hormones. It enhances mood. It raises good cholesterol levels (HDL). It lowers blood pressure and lowers bad cholesterol (LDL). So watching a comedy show or funny YouTube video might be just what the doctor ordered.

Exercise is good for reducing stress and overcoming feelings of sadness, too. Walk. Bike. Swim. Do some cardio or aerobic exercises. Practice some yoga moves. Whatever you're able to do or whatever floats your boat.

Walking in nature can lift spirits, too. I've mentioned before the practice of "forest bathing" (contemplative walks in the woods) that began in Japan. In fact, the Japanese government recognized that in 1982 as a way to improve quality of life. It's been shown to decrease feelings of stress, anxiety and anger. Who couldn't use that these days?