No more put-downs

Do you ever put yourself down? Berate yourself for "messing up" or forgetting or not being who you think you should be? And hold back even more because you fear messing up again?

Sadly, we women have done (and still do) way too much of that to ourselves. We're generally harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be. As author and educator Parker Palmer has said, "No punishment anyone might inflict on us could possibly be worse than the punishment we inflict on ourselves by conspiring in our own diminishment."

Would you like to stop the negative messages? Would you like to quit punishing yourself and/or holding yourself back?

First, start by noticing whenever you catch yourself doing it. Awareness is the first step to making a change. After my divorce, when I was in a displaced homemaker's program, this was one of the issues we each confronted. What worked for me was to imagine a stop sign going up in my head each time I gave myself a negative or limiting message. You will find something that works for you—something that calls your attention to what you're doing.

Second, you can then make a different choice. Realize that you can slowly, over time, give yourself an affirmation in place of that negative message. You can choose to try something new rather than follow the limiting and diminished pathway.

It's all about choices, really. But first comes awareness. Bottom line: It's about loving yourself enough to stop putting yourself down. You wouldn't treat your best friend like that. Don't treat yourself that way either. Self-love and self-compassion—you deserve those, too. Gift yourself with positive and loving self-talk today.

If they only knew me...

Have you ever heard of the Impostor Syndrome? You may have felt it yourself but not known there's a name for it. Ever have this thought: If they only knew who I really was, they wouldn't hire me? Or love me? Or want me? You worry that sooner or later, someone will see through your masks and know that you're incompetent or unlovable. And they would reject you.

Apparently, even those with a long list of degrees, successful careers or an adoring public feel this way, too. Perhaps we're more aware of it in Hollywood stars than in those who are CEOs of corporations. We've heard about the needy star who craves attention and in private, deals with huge addiction issues.

However, it's also a garden-variety syndrome that plagues ordinary folks such as you and me. If you feel this way at times, don't ignore the elephant in the room. Take a good look at what it's really about. Talk about it with someone you trust (or with a life coach). Make a list your competencies and good qualities. I know, it's often easier for us to list our flaws than our positive qualities. Isn't that sad? But do try. Affirm yourself for those qualities and gifts. Know, too, that we all wear masks. They are necessary to some degree. However, some of us can do a bit of mask shedding and still be safe and secure.

If you are bothered by this syndrome, I invite you to make 2014 the year you deal with it. You don't have to let it drag you down. Don't let it steal your joy and happiness.

Awareness comes first

Yesterday I talked briefly about setting boundaries in your relationships and interactions with others. The first step in creating such boundaries is the awareness that you need them. If something is "pinching" in your relationships in the same way too-tight shoes cause discomfort, pay attention. If you find yourself saying, "I never get a say in what my friends and I do"—or "I'm always the one who has to (fill in the blank here)....", perhaps it's time to ask why that is and to make some changes.

It's said that we teach others how to treat us by the ways we interact with them. If we accept dismissive treatment and if we go along with everything others decide, we're teaching them that we don't value ourselves and our own opinions. And they won't value us either.

Start by noticing how you are with others. Do you feel that there's a good give-and-take in your relationships? Do you have an equal voice with others in your friendship groups? In your primary relationship or other significant ones? Or are you acting in a passive manner and then finding yourself angry with others later because your needs weren't considered?

Boundary-setting begins with an inside job. You need to first value your self! Once you feel good about yourself and know your value and worth, you will communicate that to others. If you aren't there yet, it might be time to read some books on increasing your self-esteem. You might start each day by listing two things you like about yourself (if that's too difficult for you, and often it can be, ask someone close to you what they see in you and start with that). You may want to post affirmations around your house to remind you of your worth—"I am good, just as I am." "I was created with value, and I am beautiful." "I have everything I need to make my life healthy and good." "I am loved." "I am strong and resilient." Or whatever works for you.

Keep building on that feeling of self-worth. It's impossible to set boundaries until you feel that you have a right to do so.

Accepting yourself

If you're like most women, you can be pretty hard on yourself. Harder than you would ever be on a friend. More critical. Less accepting. Not cutting yourself any slack. Seeing flaws and not seeing all the wonderful aspects of you.

Are you ready to change that? Can you begin loving yourself and accepting all of you—the things you like and those you don't?

Begin today. Perhaps you want to post some affirmations on your mirror to remind yourself of what you really like about you. Just begin with one thing, if it's difficult to think of several right now. Write that down where you can see it often. You might even want to put a note in your purse so you can take it out at work or wherever you are—just to remind yourself to be gentle and loving.

Two books I found helpful as I learned to love and accept myself are: Imagine a Woman in Love with Herself by Patricia Lynn Reilly and Loving Yourself More by Virginia Ann Froehle.

I encourage you to find one thing today that can start you on the path to accepting yourself. You can become that beautiful butterfly you were meant to be—no more crawling along the ground as a caterpillar!

Please contact me if you'd like to talk about this. And do share your stories in the comment box below. We need to encourage each other!

Need a self-confidence boost?

I had a client who wanted desperately to make a career change. She yearned to discover her passion. But first, she admitted, she needed work on her self-confidence.

We started with affirmations she could give herself. We moved to her finding the courage to ask those closest to her for affirmation. I encouraged her to write down the affirmations she received from others in a special journal. (I once was encouraged to keep a “Value Journal” in which I recorded the good things others said about me as a reminder to me of my value to others. I still use it occasionally today.)

With help from your friends
It’s true that you can hear several compliments and then hear one criticism or “gotcha”—and what sticks in your mind will be the “gotcha.” So I encouraged my client to really pay attention to the affirmations, write them down, and go back and re-read them whenever she needed the reminder.

Affirmations may feel fake to you at first, whether you give them to yourself or ask others to be forthcoming with them. But there is nothing wrong with “faking it until you make it.” There is nothing wrong with asking others to notice when you excel and to say something about it. You are also doing them a favor by asking them to notice positive things (rather than focusing on negatives).

What is your experience with affirmations? How have they helped you? Do you have tips to share on boosting self-confidence? Please do so in the Comment box below.

Stopping negative self-talk

Do you have any beliefs that limit what you do? Do you engage in negative self-talk? How do you hold yourself back?

It’s been said that we are our own worst enemies. And as women, we often see the truth of this.

Years ago I noticed that I gave myself messages such as, “Why do you think you can do that, Sonia?” or “Who do you think you are to apply for that job?” Or: “See, you did it again. Why did you do that?”

I knew instinctively that these messages weren’t going to help me move through my fears after my divorce and move into a new life and new career. But what could I do?

Awareness first, then affirmation
Before I could replace the old limiting messages with new ones, I needed to stop the old tapes. So each time I heard the familiar old voice with any message that wasn’t positive, I imagined a stop sign popping up inside my head. That was enough to get my attention. Whoa, what’s going on here? Just by taking those moments to become aware of the negativity, I bought myself some time—time to realize that I didn’t want to go down that old, familiar path. It never took me to a good place!

Then I needed to learn how to affirm myself, how to believe in the gifts I’d been given. That’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. But you can start today. Begin by listing five things you like about yourself. Write each item on a post-it note, and place those notes where you will see them daily. Repeat those messages aloud daily (or several times a day, if you can): “I like that I am a good strategist.” “I like that I am loyal and caring.” “I like that I think well on my feet” (or whatever your messages are).

We’ll talk more about this in other blogs. And I invite you to add your experiences by commenting below. Have you been in this negative place? What have you done to move forward?