Children's top fears

Christmas Day is past, but the season is still here—if you believe in the Twelve Days of Christmas. And a brand new year is approaching.

What changes would you like to see in our country in 2019? In our world? And what will you do to bring about such changes?

If you want to do something for children, here are some thoughts. The Children's Defense Fund recently released a survey to tell us children's top three fears:

• Being bullied,
• That a shooting will happen at their school, and
• Feeling pressured to do things they don't want to do.

Or perhaps you have other things on your list. That's great. Always remember the power each of us has to effect change, one small move at a time.

A reminder: I will post blogs in this space for the remainder of 2018. But in 2019 I will not be doing so, so I can give myself more time to do other things. I will continue to send out my monthly Way2Grow ezine, however. If you don't yet receive it, simply sign up with your email to the right of this blog post. I won't sell your information. I won't send you anything other than the initial three free email gifts and thereafter, the once-a-month ezine to inspire you.

Fears are real and normal

Why do we always think we need to deny our fears and act tough, as though they aren't bringing us down? Both men and women can be hard on themselves when it comes to fears. Fears are normal—and actually, it's healthy to feel fear. Some things ought to be feared: fire, floods, violence, a stampeding elephant or bull. Oh, yes, it's quite silly to stand in the face of any of those things and dare them to harm you! But there are other things in life that are feared, too, and this can differ for each of us.

Admit to fear. Then see what your best course of action might be. Do you need to simply face the fear and do what's needed anyway? Do you need to call on outside resources to help you? If so, please do so. There's no shame in that. Or do you need to just give yourself some self-care and self-compassion until you feel stronger and better able to move on? What do you need right now?

The clichés "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" aren't really helpful at all. In fact, many people are brought to their knees by some events in their lives and never do recover. They don't gain strength at all. And sometimes we do have much more than we can handle.

This is a season that can be extremely difficult for some people. If you're one of those, I invite you to reach out to others. And please feel free to contact me if you just need to talk about it. Do whatever will help you through this season.

Control & fears

As I watch a beloved family member struggle with dementia, I am getting in touch with my own fears about just how I will age. Will I, too, have to face what he and millions in our country deal with in the last quarter of life?

Try as we might to keep our minds sharp, eat well, exercise our bodies, get sufficient sleep and do all the other things we're encouraged to do to stay healthy for as long as possible, we know that there are no guarantees. That doesn't mean we shouldn't do those things. It does mean, however, that even as we do, we should be realistic about the fact that we aren't really in control. Sadly, we don't get to check boxes of what we'd prefer to have or not have as we age!

I'm an Enneagram Type 8, and the basic fear of this type is of being controlled or harmed by others. So control is a key issue for my personality type. The basic desire for an 8 is "to determine their own course in life," and the superego message is, "You are good or okay if you are strong and in control of your situation," according to Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson in their (wonderful) book, The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

But, of course, that's unrealistic, isn't it? I'll never be completely "in control of [my] situation." And that's where letting go comes in. Control is an illusion and I need to let go. At the same time, I need to directly face my fear about whether I will face dementia at some point in my life. There's really nothing I can do about it—at least not beyond the usual efforts to stay sharp and healthy.

Do you have something you fear? Are you able to confront it head-on? And does it conflict with any desires or fears that are basic to your personality? These are all questions worth pondering. If you wish to discuss them further, I invite you to contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary coaching session.

What's inside fear & loss?

I've often mentioned in my blogs that one of my favorite inspirational authors is Mark Nepo. I have read several of his books—and only recently, bought a couple more. One of those is Things That Join the Sea and the Sky: Field Notes on Living.

One of the things Nepo wrote in that book is:

"I don't know why, but for all I've been through—almost dying, almost living, seeking love till I've become love, seeking truth till I've become a question—for all of it, I'm certain that inside every nut is a seed. Inside every fear, a pin of light. Inside every desperation, a drop of being. Inside every loss, an inch of what can never be lost. And inside every burden, a pearl of worth. I don't know why, but I'm certain that the pearl of worth is waiting for us to dive to the bottom of all trouble, to pry the shell of burden open, and to bring the gem we were born to carry to the surface."

One of the images that come to mind when I read this is that of the Russian nesting dolls. When you remove the top of the largest doll, another doll is nesting inside. Take off the top of that doll and yet another smaller doll nests inside. This continues until you reach the tiniest doll of all, hidden inside all the others. And she doesn't come apart.

For certain—"inside every nut is a seed." I ask myself, do I take the time to look inside my fear? My desperation? My loss? My burden? If I do, that's where the riches can be found.

And what is the gem I was born to bring to the surface?

What about you?

Fears & confidence

I have long admired Eleanor Roosevelt. As a child, she had received strong messages about her flaws—to the point where I often wonder how she was able to eventually develop the sense of confidence that allowed her to take a public role. She definitely overcame many odds and was a woman before her time. Whether you agree with her politics or not, I am sure you can admire her for overcoming those old negative tapes and speaking out for things in which she believed.

One of the things that allowed her to do this was facing her fears. This is difficult for us all. Fears hold us back from so much in our life. The only way to move past fear is to look at it straight-on.

Here's what Roosevelt said about that: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror; I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Yes, it's true. When you can look back at how you faced your fears and did something anyway, you tell yourself, "I can do this again."

What's holding you back today? What fears do you need to look in the face? Go ahead! You can do it.

Dreams & fears

This is the month for graduations. I have one grandson graduating from college next week and one granddaughter graduating from high school next week, too. Both of them are filled with dreams of what their future might contain. Understandably, it's an extremely exciting time for them both—and for all graduates. Frightening, too, no doubt, as they face unknown futures.

That doesn't really change as we age, does it? We still have dreams. We carry excitement about things that lie ahead of us. We also face fears about what the future might bring.

Do you have dreams that are waiting for you to put some legs on them? Go ahead—reach out and grab hold of them. Make them happen.

Do you also feel fearful about what the future could bring? Perhaps questions about finances or about potential illnesses or decline? Don't be afraid of those questions. Face them head-on, do what you can to alleviate the concerns and then try to let go of the outcome if there's nothing more you can do.

Remember the saying, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

Avoid dwelling on problems

When you face a problem in your life, do you tend to dwell on it, obsessing constantly and worrying about it? Do you become so anxious that you can't even see solutions easily? This can cause sleeplessness, either overeating or not eating at all, irritability, depression and isolation.

Dwelling on our issues tends to make us even more anxious. It can seriously impair our ability to think of and create solutions, and it can damage our decision-making capability. Anxiety does not make for creativity and clear-headed thinking.

Try just walking away from the problem for a while. Give yourself some diversionary time. Move on to something else. Spend time with a hobby. Take time out with friends or loved ones. Engage in a physical activity you enjoy. Just let the issue go for a while.

Generally, you'll return to the problem with fresh eyes and far more creativity to seek solutions. And most likely, you'll have renewed energy to move into action toward a solution. You might even think of enlisting the help of someone else to seek a solution.

Let go of anxiety and fear. Be good to yourself—and refuel your brain in ways that refresh and renew you. Try self-care instead of worry!

'Love more'

Even though I'm a Norwegian, I have to hand it to those Swedes! One of their proverbs goes like this: "Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, and all good things will be yours."

I can't argue with that. And, of course, I'm just teasing about the Swedes—even though this really is touted as a Swedish proverb.

More hope and less fear would be a good thing right now. So much of what is happening in our country (and around the globe) these days is fueled by fears of all sorts. We'd be far better off truly facing these fears and addressing them than to lash out at others because of them.

As for chewing more, yes, one of the things I learned in Weight Watchers was the benefit of chewing more slowly. By doing so, I was told I would eat less. True enough. It's still something I'm working on, however!

And whining? Yup, we know how unattractive that is in children—and in adults, well, that's truly disgusting. As for making our words count—I'm sure we can all agree with that.

And love more? Yes, the world truly does need more love. If each person truly felt loved, how different might this world be? So let's each do our part—and add more love to the world.

A 'wild heart'

I've written before about the difficulty of walking the tightrope between caring deeply about what's going on in our country and the world (all the deep divisions and inequities) and staying calm, serene and positive.

The book I referenced on Monday, Braving the Wilderness, by researcher and author Brené Brown, speaks to that, too.

Brown talks about having a "wild heart"—meaning to have a strong back and a soft, open front (strong and vulnerable at the same time). She says, "The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It's the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid—all in the same moment.

"A wild heart can also straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle in the world and fighting for justice and peace, while also cultivating its own moments of joy."

That really resonates with me, especially right now, as I continue to vacillate between deep sadness and intense anger at yet another school shooting last week—and the murder of more of our innocent children. I want us to all wake up and DO something about this. At the same time, I'm trying to maintain my sense of gratitude and grounding. It's exactly what Brown is talking about: trying to "straddle the tension."

What are your thoughts on this?

Beliefs about vulnerability

I've long struggled with the concept of vulnerability. Oh, not in my mind. I think being vulnerable is a great idea. It's just that I don't do it so well myself. For some reason, I learned to equate vulnerability with weakness. Is that because of messages about women being weak, messages I have long rejected? I don't know. It doesn't matter why. What matters is that I keep trying to be more vulnerable. I don't need to keep leaping tall buildings in a single bound, landing backward in a slim skirt and high heels! And I don't need to wear that "tough woman" facade to show I can handle whatever comes my way either. I can admit that sometimes I simply don't know what to do. I can admit that sometimes I'm really afraid.

As researcher and author Brené Brown says, vulnerability isn't weakness; and the barrier just might be our beliefs about vulnerability. Yes, she's right—at least in my case. In her latest book, Braving the Wilderness, Brown asks two good questions about vulnerability:

"Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can't control the outcome?"

And "Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?"

I'm reflecting on those questions for myself. I don't have so much trouble speaking truth to power or truth to BS, as she recommends in her book. But admitting that I really don't know what to do—and admitting to my weaknesses, flaws and fears, well, that's tougher. But I keep trying.

Focus on love

Today is Valentine's Day. The focus often is on couples. But really, let's just put the focus on love in general—love of others (which, I might add, is made far easier when you learn to love yourself first).

One of my favorite inspirational writers, Mark Nepo, says some good things in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred. He writes:

"And the work of love involves holding nothing back and being with other living things in a way that lets them grow, that affirms their sense of safety in the world. ...there is no substitute for going through things together. And it is often through an unexpected empathy that we become a conduit for the human struggle until one person's humanity reveals the whole of humanity. In this way, kindness itself is a way of life.

"All of this is the work of love, the most personal and crucial teacher we will ever meet. ... How is love asking you to grow?"

Later on, Nepo asks "Which is currently stronger in you: love or fear?"

There are two good questions on which to reflect right there. How is love asking you to grow? Which is stronger in you: love or fear?

Diversity and fitting in

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr., Day—a great time to think about diversity and creating a bigger table. I love that image of a larger table and the idea of setting a place for all who show up.

I'm bothered by what seems to be a growing attitude of who's in and who's out. Unfortunately, it recalls for me the painful days of grade school when girls were so cliquish. One day, I'd be in and someone else would be out. A few days later, I might be out and that girl would be in. It was painful. That behavior occurred in high school, too. In fact, as I reflect back, there was plenty of it even in the workplace! That behavior isn't confined to children concerned about acceptance and how they fit in. Apparently, such fears follow us all the way into adulthood.

Do you still worry about your place within a group? Or within your own family, perhaps? If you do, this might be something you'd like to work on. I like the thinking of researcher and author Brené Brown, who says she doesn't negotiate her self-worth with anyone. It took her years to feel her own worth, she says, and she's not giving that up just because someone or other doesn't like her or approve of her. Yes!

Once secure in your own worth, you will be far more likely to spread the table for everyone. You'll no longer need to think in terms of who's in and who's out. Give it some thought today. If you'd like to have a conversation about it, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching session around that topic.

Banish fears, one by one

There isn't a human on the planet who hasn't felt fear—and I venture to say, on a regular basis. Each one of us fears a number of things, whether that be losing connections with others, speaking in front of a group, facing illness, death or being pushed outside our comfort zone, to name just a few.

What we choose to do about our fears is quite another matter, though. Fear doesn't need to have the final say. I like what Maya Angelou said about it: "Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space. Invite one to stay."

Isn't that wonderful? As difficult as it may be, let's choose hope as often as we can. Invite hope to stay—and then take even one small step toward whatever it is you fear. One step will lead to another and another, and soon hope really will prevail.

Learn to befriend change

"Life is expressed in a perpetual sequence of changes. The birth of the child is the death of the baby, just as the birth of the adolescent is the death of the child." These are the words of French author Arnaud Desjardins, who was educated in a Protestant Christian environment but who made television documentaries from a variety of spiritual traditions, many of them Eastern.

Reread what Desjardins said. Then consider why we are so frightened of change. It's so much part of life. It's like the air we breathe. Why then are we so afraid of it?

Perhaps you might consider today one or two ways that you could befriend change in your life. We encounter change on a regular basis, after all. Without it, there would be no life at all. Consider again Desjardins' words above. We can't remain infants. We don't want to remain children. Everything around us is in constant flux as well.

Perhaps by taking change to its basic level, we can come to terms with how important a role it plays in our lives and our development—and we can remove some of the fear from it. Surely we don't want everything around us to stay the same—our children forever babies, one season with no change, perpetual daylight or perpetual darkness, plants that don't grow or yield fruit, etc. Can you imagine?

Consider what about change frightens you and see how you might reduce or remove that fear. Change is here to stay, so we might as well get used to it!

Face fear; look it in the eye

Does fear ever get in your way? Yup, me too.

I remember back in 2011 and 2012 when I was just getting my coaching practice up and running. My oldest son and I were talking about how my fears sometimes got in the way of moving forward. Since he had started his own HVAC business years ago and knew all about fears being immobilizing, he gave me this good advice, "Move the needle a bit each day."

He was right. Each day I could take one or two small steps toward the larger goal. Soon enough, I would have confronted my fears and realized that I could do the thing(s) I feared. That knowledge was so empowering.

I still try to touch into that feeling whenever fears stop me now. And I try to "move the needle." It's so energizing and empowering.

If you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary strategy session.

Respond with love

I'm really torn. I want to be an informed citizen of my country—and of the world. And yet so much of the news is seriously disturbing—and involves events upon which I can have little to no impact. Of course, some of the things we hear in the news, we can influence or address. We can give aid to those affected by hurricanes, for example. But the rest? Not so much.

One Monday morning at my yoga class, our instructor urged us to simply bring those things we'd heard on the morning news that we found disturbing into our hearts and with deep breaths, feel our love enveloping the globe. That seemed a better response than allowing the news to spur negativity, anger, fear or hate on my part. It's so easy to go to a place of fear and anxiety—or to turn to blaming someone else.

We don't need more toxicity in the world. We don't need any more hate or anger or fear. So I'm going to try what my yoga instructor advised: Respond with love.

What's behind the procrastination?

Do you ever procrastinate? While some people may have more of a tendency toward procrastination than others, we all can do this from time to time. It might be a phone call or an appointment we need to make. It could be a project. It might even be a conversation we have to have with someone—and we know it won't be an easy one.

Generally, some type of fear or anxiety is behind procrastination. "I don't know how to do it, and I don't want to appear stupid and ask someone for advice or instruction." "If I don't even start the project, I can't fail." "I'm worried what others will think if I do this." "It's going to end up taking too much time ... or too much money." "This could even make things worse. I don't know what the outcome might be."

That's just a tiny starter list of fears. I'm sure you can make a list of your own.

The best thing is to just dig down and take a look, straight on, at those fears and anxieties. Sometimes it takes a while to determine what's really holding us back. You may need to ask yourself several times, "What's the real reason I'm not doing this?" The first response may not be the real one. Just keep asking the same question and drilling down until something really resonates. You've likely hit pay dirt then, and now you can begin to address the issue(s).

In the end, the procrastination and fear can become teachers. We may learn something new about ourselves that will help us move forward when we face similar situations in the future. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Retirement shouldn't be scary

I've heard several people near retirement age speak of their fears of retirement. "What will I find to do?" "I'll get bored in the first day or two." "Who will I be when I retire?" "Is this all there is?"

For some people, many fears surround retirement. Others cannot wait for the years to pass until they can retire.

If you are one who worries about what you'll do or what your identity will be, just remember that there are so many possibilities these days. Many people have an "encore career"—a career that might be less demanding and simply something you will enjoy but that you won't have to carry home with you at night. Yet others choose an "encore career" that is demanding; they're not ready to give up the fast-paced life just yet. Still others find an array of volunteer projects and positions. So many organizations and institutions depend on volunteers to get things done these days—or to add a friendly face to greet clients. For example, whenever I visit someone in the hospital near me, I see numerous volunteers greeting people, showing them to the correct floor or unit, taking their initial information, etc.

After I was reduced in force from my journalism career and before I began my life coaching practice, I volunteered at my local library. I love books, and I love libraries. So it was a perfect fit. I shelved books and sometimes I pulled the books from the shelf for people who had put them on reserve. I really enjoyed it—and quit only because I knew that even a small business start-up required my full attention.

There is no need to lose yourself to anxiety. Explore the possibilities and talk with others to learn more ideas. As always, if you want to talk further about this, please contact me for a complimentary strategy session about this.

How can you stay positive?

So many people have told me these past several weeks that it's difficult for them to shake their fears and anxieties. There is still such a war of words and ideas all around us. So much is changing so quickly. So it's understandable that fears are heightened and difficult to push down. I feel that way myself many days.

Although I want to be an informed citizen, some days I simply have to say, "Enough. I can't hear any more news, good, bad or otherwise!" Take a little break to ground yourself again if you feel that way from time to time.

Here are some tips that I'm trying to follow myself to keep positive in the face of all the fear and negativity:

• Engage in good self care. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise.
• Begin each day in gratitude. Think of even just three things for which you're grateful as you awaken.
• End the day in gratitude, too. Go to sleep with good thoughts of three things for which you're grateful from that day.
• Decide what you can control and do that. Try to let go of what's completely out of your control. If you don't like something happening in the U.S. Congress, you can't control that. However, you can call your representatives and register your concerns. That is within your control.
• Stay connected to whatever support systems you have. It's so important when anxiety threatens to drag you down. We do need each other.
• Try to remember the long view—a year from now, two years, five years.
• Continue whatever practices have helped you in the past: quiet time, meditation, yoga or other grounding exercises.

 Please contact me if you'd like a complimentary session to discuss this.

'Stay afraid; do it anyway'

So two days ago, Carrie Fisher, who played the iconic Princess Leia in Star Wars, died. She is well known for that role but may be less known as a mental-health advocate. Here's what she said about people with mental illness who might be afraid to pursue the dreams they have: "Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." 

That isn't just good advice for people with mental illness. It's good for all of us to heed. It's pretty much like the familiar saying, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." Don't wait for the confidence to appear. Move to action.

As you look ahead to 2017 and wonder what's on the horizon for you, you may be feeling some fear and apprehension. That's OK. Feel it. And then proceed into the new year ready to embrace all the opportunities that come your way. Ready or not, here you come!


P.S. Remember that next week, I begin my new blog-posting schedule of three days a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday). If you have topic ideas, I'd love to hear them at: sonia@way2growcoaching.com.