Loving yourself

No doubt all of us know someone who is extremely good at accepting blame and pointing out their flaws but who cannot accept praise or list any of their gifts or accomplishments. Maybe it's even you.

I certainly have experienced that in my life, too. When I was a younger woman, I recall being stymied when in workshops, I'd be asked to list 5 to 10 good things about myself. Are you kidding me? I would think. Ask me to list that same number of negatives, however, and I'd have that list done in record time.

Through the years, however, I've worked hard to recognize and appreciate the positive attributes I have—and the accomplishments. Many of us have to get past some of the early messages we received about being humble. "Pride goeth before a fall." If I heard that once, not just at home but in church and in the broader society, I heard it a thousand times. I began to see the way such messages set me up, and I set out to change my inner dialogue.

Having a good self-image isn't about undue pride. A solid base of self-esteem is a healthy stance. If you do have a good self-image, that's wonderful. If you don't, however, and would like to work on that, please contact me.

A healthy self-image is a good foundation for solid relationships and for career success. It's essential to a joy-filled life. Loving yourself makes it possible to love others. Know that it is possible to change how you see—and love—yourself. Make 2017 the year you give yourself that gift, if you don't already feel good about who you are.

Thank your body

Last week I saw a post on Facebook that the mother of a young woman shared. It was poignant and made me sad—and angry.

The mother had taken her daughter shopping for a dress for an upcoming formal. When the daughter tried on a lovely long red dress, the sales clerk told the daughter she needed to wear Spanx if she intended to buy that dress. For those unfamiliar with Spanx, just know they're undergarments intended to make the wearer look slimmer and more shapely.

What was the end result of that comment? The daughter felt ashamed of her body. There was nothing wrong with her body as it was. The clerk was going for perfection, no doubt. But who among us has a perfect body? And who cares?

In posting the photo of her daughter, the mother shared her anger that the clerk made her daughter feel ashamed of her body. This is nothing new. We women have been told for centuries that we should be concerned if our bodies aren't perfect, perfection always being defined by some external entity, of course.

Let's not fall for this. Let's be proud of our bodies. Let's be grateful for all those bodies do for us. Walk. Hold and hug. Draw. Type. Run. Create new life. Breathe. Fly planes. Design buildings or clothes. The list is absolutely endless.

And let's care for our bodies. Give them healthy food, sufficient rest, good exercise. Let's not let anyone shame us into hating our bodies. Enough of that already.

Build & recover self-esteem

If you're like most of us, you occasionally go through periods of self-doubt, times when your self-confidence flags. Worse than that, sometimes we as women don't even have a good solid dose of self-esteem to begin with.

If either of those things are true about you, don't worry. You're in good company. And the good news is that you don't have to stay in that place of low self-esteem or lack of confidence. You can change your perspective and your attitude toward your self. If it's simply that your confidence has fallen, for one reason or another, think back to times of success in your life—or times when you've been praised for who you are or something you've done. You've felt affirmed, respected and loved. Remember how that feels—and remind yourself that you're still that same person. Nothing has changed but your own perspective and attitude. Try a couple things to change that:

• Find photos of you in happier, successful days—or letters of praise and affirmation you've saved (I keep a file that I call "Good Letters" in which I keep some of those so I can look at them when I'm down and need a boost).
• Visualize yourself successful, happy and in your best frame of mind.
• Create some daily affirmations to post on your mirror as reminders. Some examples are: "I am worthy of all the good in my life." "I always do the best I can with what I know." "I am strong and able to ask for help." "No matter what others say or do, I am still a good person."
• Talk with a trusted family member or friend—that's where we can gain support and encouragement until we can give it to ourselves again.

If it's a matter of low self-esteem, that can be changed, too. Some of the above examples can help. Also try to change the messages you give yourself from negative ("Why did you do that, Stupid?") to loving and positive ("You are always so thoughtful of others"). And take care of yourself, knowing you are worth the time and attention. (If you don't believe that yet, act as though it's true, and soon enough, you will feel the truth of it!) Accept yourself and your body as it is. Say "No" to things you don't want to do without feeling guilty. And learn to accept compliments by simply saying "Thank you."

If you would like some coaching around this topic, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

You're more than your problems

Have you ever thought, when you've been in the midst of a traumatic or difficult experience, that this was your whole life? You've let yourself be defined by the moment of struggle? It's easy to think that's all there is sometimes when you're in the depths of difficulty.

Try to remember, however, that we are more than our traumas or even our roles and ambitions. We're much more than our feelings. We are complex human beings, sometimes joyful and energized about life—and other times, worried and stressed out or even in despair over something that's happened or that we fear is about to happen.

It's good to take a step back when we feel that way and see the broader picture. We are more than one day's worth of difficulties. Or even a week or month's worth.

Just as Michelangelo saw a sculpture in the uncut stone and felt his job was to trim away what wasn't necessary to the sculpture already there, so we often need to trim away or let go what isn't needed so we can see the full beauty within us. Letting go is such an essential life process, especially after several years of life and a large accumulation of experiences, feelings and possibly regrets.

Is there something that needs trimming or letting go in your life so you can see the whole of who you are? What do you need in order to see beyond today's troubles? Are you able to define yourself beyond those troubles?

Your elusive self-worth

I was asked recently to write an article about girls, women and self-worth for a women's magazine for which I'm currently serving as interim editor. The whole issue of body image, self-esteem and feelings of value and worth are something I've worked on for years—and I'm well aware that a majority of us have at least some doubts about our self-worth and body image.

We've talked about this before in these blogs. We are surrounded by media messages that tell us we're not good enough—that we have to be slender, tiny, blonde and beautiful to be of value. And guess what? Most of us don't weigh 100 pounds, wear a size 0 dress and have flawless and perfect skin.

Can we tune out those messages? Can we instead focus on the things we like about ourselves? Might we thank our bodies for all they've done and do for us rather than hate them for not being 100 pounds and size 0?

Two years ago a friend of mine had a birthday party at which we also honored ourselves as women. One of the things my friend had us do was to make a list of women we admired—and of the traits we admired in them. Then we culled from that the four attributes we most liked—and finally, we listed four attributes we most liked about ourselves. It was a good exercise. After looking at others we admire (that's always easier, isn't it?), it forced us to look at our own attributes—and celebrate them.

Why not try that today? Then celebrate your body, your abilities and yourself!

Thank your body

It's so easy to get caught up in anxiety about body image, weight and dress size. So many messages come at us all the time to tell us what the perfect female form should look like. And already at age 8 (and sometimes younger), girls worry that they're too fat even when they don't have any fat on their bodies. Perhaps they see too many Barbie dolls in the store. No one looks like that, and young girls certainly should not aspire to such a model.

Because of all that, I loved the message in my May/June Weight Watchers magazine. It appeared in the editor's comments as she talked about positive body image and ways to give our confidence a boost. She said, "Start by celebrating your body for what it's capable of doing rather than worrying how it looks."

What a great idea! Think of all the things your body has done for you through the years. Perhaps it has given birth to babies, cradled them, walked them as they cried, raised them into adulthood, traveled to many states and perhaps countries, held down a career, walked or run miles and miles as you went about your activities through your lifetime, created nutritious meals, handed out hugs and so much more. Did you ever stop to say "Thank you" to your body and all its parts? Really, that might be a good thing to do. It's something we take for granted ... until things go wrong and we can't do what we always did before.

It's no small thing—what the body and all its parts do for us. It's also helpful to change the focus from our weight and dress size to all the ways our bodies perform.

Fight negative body messages

I've written many times before about the way we women view our bodies. We face a plethora of external messages that tell us we're only good or worthy if we're size 4 or 6 and have an hour-glass figure and a model's face and body. Really?! Over time, this does real damage to our self-image and confidence.

Even my 8-year-old granddaughter has already gotten the message from somewhere around her that she's fat (definitely not her parents, who always tell her how wonderful she is just the way she is—and she isn't even carrying any extra weight). Her parents and I told her that she isn't fat and that her worth has nothing to do with body size anyway. It's oh-so-difficult to fight those messages. But we just have to. I suspect she must get that in school from peers, perhaps in the dolls she sees in stores (Barbie and all the others who don't look anything like most of us!), in movies or TV shows (even though she and her brother aren't encouraged to watch much TV at all, thankfully). It doesn't take much, though, does it, to eat its way into our psyche until we see ourselves as deficient and imperfect.

We need to fight those negative messages. We need to support and encourage one another. We need to give our young ones positive messages. We need to encourage positive self-images and promote self-love. It's so important.

What is strength?

I've heard it said that we don't serve others through our strength but through our limitations. For me as an Enneagram 8 and a person who learned to be strong from a very young age, that's important to hear. I need to hear that admitting what I don't know and acknowledging my own woundedness is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it shows great strength to be honest about all sides of my personality. I have to remind myself of that often.

I serve best when I can bring my vulnerable, wounded, complete self to another person—not when I come from a place of superiority. If I am feeling that I have it all together and need to help some poor person who doesn't, I will communicate that sense of superiority. Not helpful!

But if I come to the other person as one who has some wisdom and who also has many questions and issues of her own, I will serve that person from a place of honesty and humility. Much more will be accomplished. And I will leave the other person with an intact self-image.

When I write about facing life's challenges and making tough decisions, you will relate more to what I say when I tell you about those times when I went through the wilderness. It will not help you to hear only about those times I spent on the mountaintop. Think about what this might mean in your life.

Sharing shores up self-image

Bullying is such an issue for children these days, from elementary school all the way through college—and beyond, for that matter. As we know, it has taken on nearly epidemic proportions and been the cause of more than one suicide. This is beyond tragic!

I wasn't bullied during my school years. But I surely experienced my share of the proverbial girl cliques. A tiny group of grade school girls somehow became the self-appointed queens of our class, and each day they seemed to rotate who was "in" and who was "out" of the group. So it was that some days I was acceptable, and on other days I was not on the approved list! I found it hurtful and experienced its effects to my self-esteem and self-image for many years.

My sister and I have talked often about this through the years. But I confess it isn't something I have mentioned much to other women. Now I'm beginning to understand that this was more common than I ever dreamed. I have read articles and books by successful women who mention this same phenomenon. And recently I read something that struck a chord: The power of such experiences is greatly reduced when we talk about them with others. Yes, oh yes. Silence and secrecy give more power to hurt us.

And here's the thing: That grade-school behavior didn't just stay in grade school. I've also seen it play out in workplaces, strangely enough. Again, however, the power gets sucked out of the experience when we can share openly with others about such behaviors. It is then that we realize the behavior says more about the instigators. It helps to know this—and it helps to know that we're not alone.

Whatever (or whoever) it is that's making you feel small, less than or unworthy, one of the most important things to remember is that you'll feel better by just talking it over with someone you trust. You'll gain perspective, strength and creative help with responses.

Look and feel good regardless of dress size

In January 2012 I asked whether size mattered. Does your dress size make a difference to who you are and how you see yourself? Does it make a difference in your self-esteem level?

It's well known that the better you look and feel, the stronger your self-esteem will be. However, that should not mean that women who wear size 6 will be happier than women who wear a size 18. In fact, it simply isn't true.

I just read a fascinating book by TV host Mika Brzezinski called Obsessed in which she discusses her own food addiction even as a size 2. Food addictions and issues aren't limited to those who are overweight or obese. Brzezinski calls women—and men—to something different than simply a smaller clothes size. She urges us all to pay attention to how we eat—to eating in a healthy manner, to self-care in all its aspects.

If you struggle with weight, either too much or too little, think instead of how you might better take care of your body. What small changes can you make to eat in a healthier fashion? What can you do to assure that you get enough sleep? That you reduce your stress as much as you're able to do? That you make sure to get enough movement or exercise?

Looking and feeling better doesn't necessarily mean a tiny dress size. I have seen women who simply glow and have all the self-confidence in the world and who are carrying more weight than what may be recommended for their age. It's a matter of taking the best care of yourself that you can—and then learning to love and accept yourself. I did yo-yo dieting for years and know those ups and downs from the inside. No more. Now I simply want to feel healthy and stay as active as I can without obsessing on it.

Please contact me if you wish to talk about self-esteem and/or weight issues. You don't have to deal with it all by yourself.

Look out for this syndrome

Have you ever felt that any successes you achieved were just a matter of luck? That it was only a matter of time before everyone discovered that you really didn't know as much as they thought you knew? And that sooner or later, others would realize you really shouldn't be in your position or shouldn't be paid what you are or were?

There's a name for this; it's called the Impostor Syndrome. A 2010 Forbes article outlined what the syndrome looked like in one high level executive's life. The article said in part: "Research that began in 1978 with the work of psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes found that many women with notable achievements also had high levels of self-doubt. This deep lack of confidence—which couldn’t be equated with anxiety or other disorders—appeared to involve a deep sense of inauthenticity and an inability to internalize their successes.

"These individuals often have the belief they are 'fooling' other people, 'faking it' or getting by because they have the right contacts or are just plain 'lucky.' Many hold a belief they’ll be exposed as frauds or fakes. Impostor Syndrome goes far beyond normal bouts of self-doubt."

If you feel this way sometimes or often, check your self-talk and your self-image. Try to change your inner messages. Learn to receive affirmation and compliments from others with a simple "Thanks"—and take them in. That's often difficult for us as women. We're better at giving than receiving, it seems. Remember, too, to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Share thoughts about this with other women so you can help each other. Make a list of those things you do well, and keep it handy (I know, I know, it's far easier to list our supposed flaws than our talents or achievements—but try!). Believe in yourself—and others will believe in you, too!

Does your self-image need a makeover?

Have you ever been asked to list several things you like about yourself? Or asked to recall something you accomplished about which you feel quite proud?

Most of us are embarrassed when asked such things and have a difficult time answering. If we were asked to list our flaws, we'd no doubt start writing and keep at it for quite a long time!

So why can't we think of our strengths and our accomplishments? Why can't we acknowledge them? Maybe it's time to ratchet up our self-esteem and our self-image a bit. Here are a couple activities to help you:

Make a list on your computer or on paper (think of at least five to 10) of the characteristics you like about yourself. Perhaps it will help if you think of what others typically say about you. What do they tell you they appreciate about you? Do you value that, too? Then add that to the list.

If you'd rather, think of something you did, either recently or long ago, about which you are proud. Perhaps you completed a job you never imagined you could do or finished in a marathon that you never had thought possible. Or did you show strength and resilience when you went through a very difficult and challenging time? Give yourself credit for those things. Write about what you did and how you feel about it.

Contrary to what some of us heard when we grew up, there is nothing wrong with appreciating our own gifts and abilities. And it's more than OK to feel proud of accomplishments. When you feel good about yourself, you'll be so much more generous-spirited and loving toward others. Isn't that worth moving toward?

I'm still working on this myself. How about you?

Humility doesn't mean a bad self-image

No doubt all of us know someone who is extremely good at accepting blame and pointing out their flaws but who cannot accept praise or list any of their gifts or accomplishments. Maybe it's even you.

I certainly have experienced that in my life, too. When I was a younger woman, I recall being stymied when in workshops, I'd be asked to list 5 to 10 good things about myself. Are you kidding me? I would think. Ask me to list that same number of negatives, however, and I'd have that list done in record time.

Through the years, however, I've worked hard to recognize and appreciate the positive attributes I have—and the accomplishments. Many of us have to get past some of the early messages we received about being humble. "Pride goeth before a fall." If I heard that once, not just at home but in church and in the broader society, I heard it a thousand times. I began to see the way such messages set me up, and I set out to change my inner dialogue.

Having a good self-image isn't about undue pride. It's a healthy stance. If you do have a good self-image, that's wonderful. If you don't, however, and would like to work on that, please contact me. A healthy self-image is a good foundation for solid relationships and for career success. It's essential to a joy-filled life. Know that it is possible to change how you see yourself. Make 2013 the year you give yourself that gift, if you don't already feel good about who you are.

May contentment, joy and peace be among the gifts you receive this season. 

6 Steps to boost self-esteem

Self-esteem issues can keep us from becoming all we were created to be. Our unconscious negative beliefs and assumptions block our self-worth. So many of us as women deal with these issues for so much of our lives. Men confront them, too. But it seems to be nearly epidemic for women.

I recall after my divorce trying so hard to weed out the negative messages and thoughts that were so debilitating. I put up a virtual stop sign in my head when I heard negative messages. I learned to replace those with most positive assumptions and beliefs. Did I reach perfection? No. Am I in a far better place than I was all those years ago? Definitely.

In the book Creating Optimism: A Proven, 7-Step Program for Overcoming Depression by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry, I discovered six actions to elevate your self-esteem:

1) Search out negative self-beliefs.
2) Give the negative voices a name. (Whose voice is it?)
3) Stop self-deprecating remarks.
4) Ask others to "call you" on self-deprecating comments.
5) Refuse to accept put-downs.
6) Elicit praise. (It's OK to ask for it.)

Believe in yourself. Know you are that beautiful butterfly who's just ready to take flight! Do what it takes to let go of negative messages and take hold of the positive ones.

Fall colors and aging

Last week as my fiance and I drove from Chicago to Minneapolis for my niece's wedding, we were treated to vibrant and beautiful fall colors along the way. I love fall and its colors, the lovely Indian summer days and the crisp, sunny days without mosquitoes!

As we drove, I recalled having made that same drive many years ago but later in the fall when the bright colors were gone and trees sported leaves that were more of a dull rust color. I had never enjoyed trees at that stage before, always having been drawn to the brighter colors of early fall. For some reason, on that trip, however, I saw the beauty in the less intense colors, too. It reminded me of the seasons of our lives: As we move through the fall of our lives and near the winter, perhaps we don't shine quite so brightly as we used to do. But we still have a particular and very special beauty.

I have often noticed older women who have a contented, serene demeanor—and thought that they are like the rust-colored trees and have a unique beauty that comes from being comfortable in their own bodies, knowing that they can survive all manner of hardships and life events, knowing who they are and not needing approval from others to carry their self-esteem. Isn't that beautiful?

Each season has its own beauty. Just so, each season of our lives has its own unique beauty. I want to remember that as I continue to move through my life seasons. I want a positive attitude about my aging process.

Are you feeling that? Or have you come up against an obstacle that prevents you from embracing the age you are now? That can easily happen. If you'd like to talk about it, please contact me for a complimentary and absolutely no-obligation strategy session. 

3 ways to boost your self-image

Along with the main issue most clients bring to the table, there's one that so often rides alongside or even underneath the others: low self-image.

We women have to work so hard to build and maintain a healthy self-image. So few of us seem to come with one ready-made! Some of this is due to messages we received from someone (or several someones) as we grew up, and some is due to the media messages that surround us constantly (be slim, be beautiful, be vivacious, be smart, do it all).

It took me a few years and lots of hard work to boost my self-esteem. However, there are 3 things that provide a good starting place:

1. Root out the negative messages and voices in your head. Often it helps if you can identify whose voice you are hearing. Then when you hear it, you can simply say to yourself, "Oh, that's just my third-grade teacher, Mr. Olson, again. That's only his view." I found it helpful to envision a stop sign in my head when I heard a negative voice or thought. It was just enough to stop me in my tracks and help me recognize the message for what it was.

2. Believe in yourself. That's easier said than done, I know. But it's a good habit to cultivate. Perhaps you might make a list of things you do well—or things you like about yourself. Keep the list where you can see it often. Add to it. Believe those things. Many years ago my spiritual director urged me to start and keep a "Value Journal," in which I was to write compliments and praise I received from others. Eventually I learned to say those things about myself.

3. Treat yourself as well as you treat others. The truth is that we would never treat friends in the way we sometimes treat ourselves. Why would we do that? Notice what you say about yourself and how you care for yourself. Ask whether you'd do that to a friend. Engage in self-care. It can become a habit!

Discover the joy and energy of being your own best friend.

Size 6 and sexy

How many magazines in the supermarket check-out line tell you how to be a size 6 (or smaller) and how to be sexy and thin? Do you succumb to that pressure? Do those messages affect your self-image?

For many years, and at a fairly subconscious level, it affected how I saw myself. Those magazines and the dozens and dozens of other media messages showing and telling us what the ideal American woman looks like wormed their way into my mind to the point where I tried far too many diets. I lost weight, gained it back, lost it again. What a vicious cycle.

Now for me it's about being healthy and feeling good. It's about being the best Sonia I can be. Life is about being serene, content with what I have and who I am and bringing as many of the "seeds of love" into the world as possible (the subject of last Friday's blog). I want to eat in a healthy way, exercise, get the sleep I need, find the types of self-care that nourish me and allow me to do my best work and be my most loving and compassionate self.

I don't want to beat myself up with images of thin women. I want to be a healthy weight, but I no longer worry about what my dress size is.

What about you? Do you have a different perspective now than you did a few years ago? Or a different one from mine? I'd love to hear what you think about these messages with which we're surrounded. Please add your comments below. Maybe we can even start a conversation about weight, dress size, and a self-image that doesn't depend on those things.

Ratchet up your self-esteem

Do you hold back when you're in a group? Do you do more listening than talking even when you're in a familiar group of people? Do you feel out of your comfort zone in most social settings? And do you think your opinion isn't worth very much?

Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem are far more common than you might think. Both self-esteem and self-confidence can be seen on a continuum. While you might not be at the far end of the continuum registering total lack of either one, you may wish to move up a notch or two toward a healthier feeling about yourself.

Many people don't see their value. And many think that if others knew who and what they really were, others wouldn't want them as friends or employees. Seldom are you born with a healthy self-image. You can feel better about yourself. It is possible.

You do not have to live forever with a low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. There's another more joyful and more powerful way to live your life! Contact me today for an absolutely no-obligation, complimentary strategy session to see how you can live in that joyful place!

So what?

Several clients in the past have shared deep pain about their past job experiences. I have heard a sense of failure, loss of self-esteem and confidence, and a lack of hope moving forward.

These experiences are very real for those who shared them. The burn-out and damaged self-image do need to be addressed. You can't simply talk yourself out of them.

However, it is helpful to realize that these feelings aren't the entire truth. Author Paula D'Arcy tells the story of sharing her trials and heartbreaks with a wise mentor. After hearing her outpouring, he asked her: "So what?"

Rather than being offended by those two words, she sensed in his eyes and his attitude the deep love and caring. D'Arcy realized that what he really was saying to her was, "Don't get lost there. It's not who you are. Those are experiences you've had. That's all. You're the self who lived through them. Know her."

Good advice. Wise words. A string of what you consider failures or hurtful job experiences is not who you are. Those are experiences you've had. Now, what's the rest of the story? Who are you and what are your gifts? Go with that—and at the same time, do what you need to do to handle the burn-out and self-image issues.

Let's get you moving forward—if you resonate with this post. I invite you to contact me today to schedule a no-obligation, complimentary consultation.

Giving your power away

Yesterday we talked about feeling valued and appreciated.

Do you ever feel that you give away some of your personal power by allowing the opinions of others (especially in the workplace) to define you? I have done that more than I care to admit.

I like what another of my favorite authors Paula D'Arcy says in her book A New Set of Eyes: "I remember their seeming power, then, to validate and sometimes define me. I recall longing for their approval. But it is clear to me from this perspective that they had no power at all. The only power they had was given to them by me. It seems an incredible irony. My freedom was never wrested from me. I handed it out in large and small pieces."

Check it out in your life today: Are others defining you? Do you take what others seem to think of you as the truth? Does it create your self-image? What's your part in this dance? And how can you take back your personal power?

Awareness is the first step. Stop—when you notice that your self-image is being formed by others. Ask—is what others think or say really the truth about you. Reframe—affirm for yourself who and what you really are.

If this has become a real issue for you, I invite you to contact me for a no-obligation, complimentary consultation to discover tools for change.