So much to learn about anger

My last several blogs have dealt with some of the issues facing us in our country today, some of the issues that were and still are subjects of debate in the U.S. As we saw during the election process, these issues can heighten our emotions, most particularly the level of our anger.

This is why I was especially struck by an article on anger that I recently read by Russ Hudson, one of the authors of a book on the Enneagram that I especially like (The Wisdom of the Enneagram). In the article Hudson talks about the gifts in anger, saying it can give us courage to do things we've been afraid to do and that it can connect us with a sense of righteousness (as in our concern for justice). Further, Hudson says, "Most people are also quite surprised to discover that, when we are present with anger, it lasts only a few seconds—perhaps the duration of two or three breaths. It is our denial and suppression of anger that causes it to stay in us for much longer periods of time—ricocheting around in our nervous system until we are ready to finally feel it."

Isn't that interesting? He also adds, "For some of us, it remains as a simmering resentment and negativity; for others, it leaves us with a quick temper; for still others, it is so suppressed that it lives in our tissues, slowly poisoning our bodies with repressed, unresolved energies." And to that he adds, "The long-term effects of avoiding anger are every bit as corrosive as acting it out."

That said, he cautions us on how we express our anger. "There is a world of difference between being present with the energy of anger in our body and letting that anger provoke us to destructive behaviors," he says.

Are you surprised by his words? There is so much to learn about anger—how we can be present to it and how we express it. Perhaps another time we can talk about the gifts in anger, since most of us don't think of anything positive about our anger.

Look. You'll find beauty.

Why, oh why is it so easy to get sucked into negativity? I can blame the news. I can blame others. But I need to come back to myself and ask why I can't focus more on the positive when there's so much beauty all around.

Because getting drawn into negativity is too easy, I really resonated with two things I read today in my Blue Mountain Arts Collection called A Daybook of Gratitude: How to Live Each Day with a Thankful Heart:

Ella Wheeler Wilcox writes this, "Look for something to be thankful and glad over each day, and you will find it. Consider each disappointment and trouble as so much experience and as a temporary lesson set for you to learn...."

Yes, oh yes!

And G. Allison Phelps wrote: "Just to look at the sun going down behind green hills; just to watch rain falling on a quiet lake; just to see spinning tops of sand, created by winds whirling over a desert; just to be able to imagine oneself upon a ship, docking at a pier in a strange and distant port; just to be able to touch the hand of another and feel oneself become a part of that other; just to breathe the evening air and hear the voices of children, raised in laughter; O! just to feel one is a part of all the scheme of things entire—such are the blessings humans have."

Really, there is nothing I can add to that.

Turn the switch to positivity

Are you having difficulty staying positive these days? Are the details of your life dragging you down? Or perhaps it's the news coming from outside you that's depressing you?

I encourage you to not let the situation continue. It's not good for your health, for one thing. Also, the longer you allow negativity to continue in your life, the tougher it is to change. It's all too easy to get stuck in a rut of negative thinking. But you can create new pathways. One way is to think of five or six things for which you're grateful when you first awaken each day. Another is to think of a role model in your life—someone who inspires and uplifts you. When you find yourself getting down, think of that person. Call them and get a positive-energy fix, if that's what you need!

Look for opportunities to help others. I guarantee that will bring you out of yourself and your negativity. It always feels good to be of service to others and to have purpose in your life.

Try meditation. Even just taking time to relax, breathe deeply and exhale your stress will help you create a more positive frame of mind.

Find things to savor each day. Pay attention. Notice the green shoots popping up through the ground now. Listen to the birds. Take time to stop and notice the sunset—or the sunrise. Appreciate it all. Try to not sleepwalk through your days. Live awake and aware! You'll be so glad you did.

See that glass half-full—or perhaps full!

On Wednesday we talked about the difference gratitude can make in our lives. I don't know about you, but I seem to need frequent reminders of this. It's so easy to slip into seeing the glass half-empty, especially if you're a consumer of the daily news!

I've noticed something about myself, however, and I wonder if you find it true as well. When I let a negative attitude prevail and see the glass half-empty, I find that discouragement dogs my heels. It's way too easy to spiral down until I find myself grumbling about everything. And it's difficult to be creative and find solutions to daily problems. My focus then becomes all things negative, and I don't even see the beauty and goodness around me.

However, when I focus on the good things going on around me and see the glass half-full, opportunities abound. I see solutions more quickly. I feel creative. I access my ability for wonder and awe. And I'm far happier besides. Gratitude is my natural response at those times.

When we are in grateful mode, others want to be around us. We even like being with ourselves then! The happiness ripples just keep extending out further and further. Imagine the impact on the world around us.

Let this be your reminder today. It'll serve as mine, too!

Going high

We hear or read a juicy tidbit or a negative slur on some political figure we dislike or a person we don't hold in high regard—and it's just like seeing a shiny object on our path. We just have to check it out. And once we do, we're drawn down, down, down. Right?

I don't want to get caught up in negativity. I'm sure you don't either. And I have clients tell me the same. But it's so, so easy to do so—especially in this busy, crazy and negative atmosphere around us. Once we go there, climbing back to the high road takes more energy.

I remember Michele Obama's words when she talked about hearing the negative things people say about her husband, her or her family: "When others go low, we go high." I like that. It's a great way to live. And I wish I could say I always do that.

I commit to keep on trying, though. What about you? Have you found any practices to help you do that more often? I know for me, healthy practices assist me—getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, quiet time or meditation, mindfulness and staying awake and aware. But it still takes conscious effort. I'd love to hear what works for you. If you're willing to do so, please add your practices in the comment box below.

Recover from adversity

When something goes wrong in your life, do you take it personally, assume it means that everything else in your life will go wrong too, and believe the effects are forever? If so, try to change how you see adversity. Things go wrong for everyone from time to time. Don't take it personally. An obstacle in one area of your life doesn't mean you'll experience one in all other areas. Your sadness and disappointment are not permanent either.

Perhaps it's time for an attitude adjustment so you can be more resilient. Building resilience takes work and practice, but it's so worth doing. It increases well-being and good mental health.

Be intentional about how you view setbacks and disappointments. Be grateful for what you do have. Get out in nature and enjoy it. Spend time with friends who are supportive and positive. For many people, attitude adjustment can be helped along by writing about your setbacks and what you've learned from them. In fact, research shows that when people think about the good things that came out of bad experiences, they report less distress, fewer disruptive thoughts, less negativity and greater meaning in their lives. Perhaps you have your own favorite, tried-and-true ways to combat negativity and stay resilient. Keep them handy and use as needed!

Fill up with peace

A question I'm asking myself these days is: How can I keep my peace, my equanimity, amid all the turmoil in this country and around the globe? And for that matter, amid all the concerns and distractions in my own life?

Do you wonder that, too?

Here are some ideas upon which I'm reflecting:

• Stop participating in conversations that include gossip and "ain't it awful" attitudes.
• When my mind is filled with fear and negative thoughts, stop! Stop and take some deep breaths. Focus on one blessing and let that fill my mind. And don't feel that you need to stop with one!
• Quit engaging in "us versus them" thinking. Stop judging.
• Employ compassion more often—including self-compassion.
• Hang out more often with others who want to stay positive.
• Take on a service project that lets you bring love and light into someone's world.

What are you doing these days to counteract all the negativity? I'd love to hear from you.

Avoid dwelling on the negatives

Have you ever had a bad experience and then replayed it in an endless loop in your mind afterward? Perhaps even for days after? Yup, I've done that at times, too.

It really doesn't help the situation at all to dwell on it like that, however. In fact, if there's anything in the situation that needs solving, forgiving, letting go or any other type of action, that's less likely to happen when we obsess over the experience repeatedly. Our minds are so full of the negatives that we can't even be creative when it comes to a solution. And if forgiveness is required, we won't come close to that if we continue dwelling on how horrible the experience was.

Try to shut down the "repeat" and "play" buttons in your mind. Do something constructive and challenging that will take all your focus. Throw yourself into some new project. Let yourself have a feeling of accomplishment when you complete something challenging. Spend time with people you love. Let your focus be on good relationships and friendships. Totally switch your focus.

Then you can return to the situation with a better ability to assess it and determine any action you need to take. You'll be far more creative and far more willing to let go and move on.

Preparing your soil

Where I live, it's soon time to plant gardens. Already I see people out in their flower and vegetable gardens, working up and preparing the soil. They probably also have seeds growing in a well-lit place inside. They're preparing everything for the planting.

This makes me think of our "inner gardens." What do we want to grow in our lives? Do we want a garden of negativity and resentment? Do we want to grow and nurture anger, jealousy and envy? Not likely.

If we want instead to raise blooms of joy, compassion, peace and love, that means we need to insure that the soil of our lives is the type of environment in which such things will grow. This means a check of our attitudes, a check of what we're putting into our minds and hearts, a check of our external environment. With what type of people are we surrounded? What TV programs are we watching? What books are we reading and movies are we seeing? What kind of thoughts are we thinking? Are they inspiring and uplifting? Or depressing and upsetting? Are we filled with gratitude? Or anger and resentment?

Are we doing everything we can to insure an inner garden of good and positive things? The preparation is important. So is daily watering and nurturing, whatever forms of inspiration provide that for you. Healthy, beautiful gardens don't happen by accident. They take planning, preparation and intention.

Where's the focus?

One of my granddaughters is in a high school exchange program in Spain for nearly two weeks, learning more about Spanish culture and deepening her use of the language. She is staying with a family there; they have a daughter her age. Other classmates of hers are doing the same thing, staying with other families. In May the Spanish youth will come to the U.S. and stay with the family of their guest. It's a great idea, and I'm so excited for Elizabeth that she has an opportunity such as this.

When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, however, she immediately asked whether I wasn't worried about terrorism in Spain. It isn't that I'm not completely aware of the threat of terrorism everywhere (including in our own country), but that hadn't been my focus. I had been focusing on the wonderful opportunity Elizabeth has and what that might mean in her life. I was (and am) excited for her.

But it's interesting to me how someone introducing a negative into the situation could shift the focus for me—even if only temporarily. Yes, of course, terrorism is always a possibility anywhere. But that wasn't what I chose to focus upon. It did throw me off balance for a while. And then I let it go, instead praying for her safety and well-being along with her ability to be open to all the new and wonderful experiences, smells, tastes, sounds and sights she is encountering.

It's good for us to be aware—aware of reality and also aware of the effects of positivity and negativity.

Negativity can be contagious

In my part of the country, the weather has gotten extremely cold quite early, earlier than we've become accustomed to in more recent years at least. And I've noticed my tendency, and that of others around me, to complain about the weather almost as a way of greeting each other. After saying, "Hi," often the first words out of our mouths are, "Can you believe this awful weather?" or "I'm sick and tired of this cold."

I've caught myself doing that way too much lately. It's not that the weather isn't a proper topic for conversation, it's more that I would rather not start conversations on a negative and complaining note. Knowing that a negative attitude is contagious, can I stop it before it even starts?

I'm trying to do so. Can I think of something else to say to the person at the check-out? To the receptionist in my doctor's office? To the person on the other end of the phone?

Certainly I could say something good about the weather. Or I could find a different topic of conversation. There are many good things going on all around. I'm going to try to focus on those. It's not that I want to be a Pollyanna. When difficult things need to be discussed, I'm not going to bury my head in the sand. But I wonder if, in these challenging and sometimes difficult times in which we live, we won't do better to focus on the wonder and delight that also fill our days. To focus on the positive instead of the negative.

What do you think?

What story do you tell?

Ever found yourself stuck in a rut? Saying the same old negative things over and over?

Me, too. Been there and done that. I don’t like it very much. And I’m not proud to say I’ve done it. Truth be told, I probably will spend time in a rut sometime again, too. I hope it’s only a short visit, though!

A book I read two years ago made a deep impression on me: I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion by Dawna Markova. Among other pearls of wisdom, the author talks about two ways we can tell our stories. We can tell them as “rut stories”—they are just what the word implies. They’re stories that numb us, that are not life-giving, that frame our experiences in the most negative of ways.

I grew up on a farm and I remember country roads after heavy spring rains: filled with deep ruts in which one could easily get stuck, and in which spinning the tires only dug us down further. Those roads were a bit frightening to me as a young driver, I recall.

Life-giving stories
Then there are the “river stories”—those that are life-giving, that flow, that move us forward. Picture a river flowing, and even when a large tree or object falls into it, the river finds a way around so it can keep on flowing. That’s what rivers do: flow and move forward.

For example, I can tell the story of my divorce as my/our failure to sustain a marriage relationship (and that is true). Or I can tell it as the huge turning-point in my life that it really turned out to be. Devastating as it was, it taught me lessons I could not have gained any other way. And arriving on the other side of that experience has been incredibly life-giving. Through all that, I’ve discovered my life’s passion and more joy that I knew was possible!

It’s a choice: rut or river. I’m trying to tell more river stories these days. What about you?

Stopping negative self-talk

Do you have any beliefs that limit what you do? Do you engage in negative self-talk? How do you hold yourself back?

It’s been said that we are our own worst enemies. And as women, we often see the truth of this.

Years ago I noticed that I gave myself messages such as, “Why do you think you can do that, Sonia?” or “Who do you think you are to apply for that job?” Or: “See, you did it again. Why did you do that?”

I knew instinctively that these messages weren’t going to help me move through my fears after my divorce and move into a new life and new career. But what could I do?

Awareness first, then affirmation
Before I could replace the old limiting messages with new ones, I needed to stop the old tapes. So each time I heard the familiar old voice with any message that wasn’t positive, I imagined a stop sign popping up inside my head. That was enough to get my attention. Whoa, what’s going on here? Just by taking those moments to become aware of the negativity, I bought myself some time—time to realize that I didn’t want to go down that old, familiar path. It never took me to a good place!

Then I needed to learn how to affirm myself, how to believe in the gifts I’d been given. That’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. But you can start today. Begin by listing five things you like about yourself. Write each item on a post-it note, and place those notes where you will see them daily. Repeat those messages aloud daily (or several times a day, if you can): “I like that I am a good strategist.” “I like that I am loyal and caring.” “I like that I think well on my feet” (or whatever your messages are).

We’ll talk more about this in other blogs. And I invite you to add your experiences by commenting below. Have you been in this negative place? What have you done to move forward?