Don't let expectations hook you

Have you heard it said that, "Every expectation is a resentment waiting to happen"?

Think about it for a minute. I don't know whether you're like I am—but I often have an expectation of how a situation will unfold, how a conversation might go, what an event will be like or what an experience will be from start to finish. And just how often is the real thing even close to how I'd imagined or hoped it would be? Not often, I fear.

I can too easily get hooked by this. I am disappointed when things went south in a way I hadn't foreseen, when someone reacted so differently from what I'd expected, when a given conversation took a nasty turn. And, yes, that's when resentment settles in for a nice, long visit. I hate when that happens!

Does that ever happen to you? Have you found a good way to deal with it? A way to avoid it?

We can surely deal with the resentments on the back end. But it would be far more effective to avoid feeling resentful in the first place—much better to avoid unrealistic expectations or even avoid expectations at all. I'm trying to practice staying at a remove from outcomes, difficult as that is. I would love to be a little less attached to the outcome of either a given situation or a conversation—to just stay open to whatever unfolds. It's not easy as I've had years of practice creating expectations! But it's worth staying alert to this and trying to avoid attachment to outcomes.

Those darn expectations!

Letting go is such an essential theme as we move past age 50. Letting go of outdated ideas of who we are (many of us lacked confidence and self-esteem at a younger age, so it's time for an updated version as we age). Letting go of old belief systems that don't work any longer (or perhaps never did). Sometimes we even need to let go of old relationships that no longer work—say, a friendship in which there's really nothing in common any longer and which seems more of an onerous "to do" than a pleasure. Letting go of old resentments. Even letting go of "stuff" and de-cluttering our homes and lives!

One more essential letting-go piece that I still struggle with is letting go of expectations and letting go of attachment to outcomes. Both expectations and attachment to outcomes always set me up for a fall. I'm far better off going into a situation with an open heart and mind. But, oh, that's tough for me.

Do you have trouble with this, too? In her book What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying, Dr. Karen M. Wyatt says: "One of the benefits of releasing expectations is the experience of a calm and even mind: equanimity. ... This quality allows you to tolerate stressful situations without getting lost in emotion and projecting yourself into the future or getting trapped in the misery of the past."

Yes! That makes so much sense to me. Now if I can just learn to live that way more often than I live with expectations and attachment to outcomes.

Question expectations

Last Monday I wrote about Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's book on surviving the grief of her husband's sudden death. In that same AARP The Magazine interview, she also addressed the topic of questioning expectations.

"Studies of 'affective forecasting'—our predictions of how we'll feel in the future—reveal that we often overestimate how long negative events will affect us. This was certainly true for me. Every time I tried to tell myself things would get better, a voice inside my head insisted they would not. It seemed clear that my children and I would never have another moment of pure joy again. Never. So, just as I had to banish 'sorry' from my vocabulary, I tried to eliminate 'never' and 'always' and replace them with 'sometimes' and 'lately.' 'I will always feel this awful' became 'I will sometimes feel this awful.' I also tried a cognitive behavioral therapy technique where you write down a belief that's causing you anguish and then disprove it. I wrote, 'I will never feel okay again.' Seeing those words forced me to realize that just that morning, someone had told a joke and I had laughed. If only for one minute, I'd already proven that sentence false."

This may sound simple, but it isn't. It is effective, however—and over time, you can train yourself to change your language and thus, change your negative thoughts into more realistic expectations. The extreme vocabulary becomes more tempered—and much closer to the truth.

Acceptance is a key

Yesterday I mentioned actor Michael J. Fox, his attitude toward living with Parkinson's Disease and his tips for surviving adversity.

One other tip he gives is to accept what's happening. Here's what he says about that:

"It isn't resignation, and it freed me to actively deal with and endeavor to change my situation. I like to say, 'My happiness goes in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.'"

Wow, that's a mouthful, isn't it? Acceptance is important. But so are expectations—keep them realistic even while you still live in hope.

I really can't add to what Fox says. I simply want to take it to heart myself.

'It is what it is'

Ever think about this? Sometimes not getting what we want turns out to be the best thing. Have you ever missed a flight only to hear later that the plane was grounded and didn't reach its destination for hours? Or not gotten a job that you really wanted only to learn that a month later the company folded? Or been delayed in the start of a road trip so that you avoided a bad accident?

Although we all continue to make plans and to hold expectations for what will happen, it's always wise to hold such plans and expectations loosely. Life can change on a dime. And we don't know just what might happen—or what a given experience holds for us.

I have a difficult time with this myself, I will confess. But I am trying to let be what is—and to hold expectations lightly. I can too easily get hooked by my expectations and then feel let down because something didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. But as the above examples show, sometimes not getting what we had hoped can be the best thing.

The saying that's become so popular these days, "It is what it is" speaks well to this. Let something be what it will be. Try to not get too caught up in expectations and in the fine details of what's to come. Accept what is. Be flexible. Go with the flow. Dance between hope and mystery!

Examine your anger

In and of itself, anger is not bad. It's one of the emotions we feel. It's normal. It's a signal that something is wrong. And, as we all know, it's what we do with the anger that either leads to insights and growth or to further problems.

As Sue Patton Thoele says in The Woman's Book of Spirit, "...examined anger is often an incredible teacher. Exploring our experience of anger non-judgmentally often helps us uncover valuable clues as to what we expect, what we want, what we fear, and where we feel especially vulnerable. Indeed, examined anger is a spiritual ally. Examined anger remains moist and movable, supple and malleable to our inquiring minds. From it, we can learn to stop accepting the unacceptable in terms of treatment directed toward us."

Yes, there's much to learn from our anger. Did we have expectations that went unmet? Is it about something we fear? Were our personal boundaries breached? Suppressing the anger doesn't make it go away. It only comes out sideways, or it lies in wait until something else happens—and then we blow sky-high, lashing out at others in inappropriate ways. Or we turn it inward, leading to depression.

Best we examine our anger when we feel it. Then we can learn from it. And then we have choices about what to do next—and those choices likely won't involve hurting others.

Dreams & plans

Have you ever thought of the difference between dreams and dreaming or between plans and planning? At first glance, you might think they're the same.

Think about it, however. The process of dreaming means you live in hope. You're creating dreams that give purpose and meaning to your life. The dream itself, though, can become so hard and rigid as to cause great pain and disappointment if it doesn't work out exactly as you'd hoped. It's all in the expectations surrounding that dream. It's good to have dreams. It is also good to make them flexible enough that they can be reshaped. Dreams often have a way of shifting and taking new shapes. And rigid expectations can hook us and derail us.

It's the same with plans. It's a good thing to engage in planning, whether that's in your personal or professional life. But to have such a firm and rigid plan that you don't allow for life to happen can set you up for a fall. We need to allow for Plan B, C or D—sometimes even Z!

Do you see the difference? Engage the process but don't let yourself get hooked by rigid expectations. Let the process be the important thing. Stay open to surprise.

Women's lives matter

My niece, Carmen, gave me a book in 1999 that I still treasure today: Uppity Women of Ancient Times by Vicki León. I enjoyed that one so much that I bought two more books by that author: Uppity Women of Shakespearean Times and Uppity Women of Medieval Times. Although so many stories of women have been lost and never recorded, including in the Bible, this author has done an inordinate amount of research to recover several stories.

And as we know, stories are important. It's good for us to know our histories; and as women, we need both models and warnings to inspire us in our own lives. (Some people are examples to us, and others are warnings, in terms of their thoughts and actions!)

The first book profiled 200 women from ancient times, and I am fascinated to read their stories. As the author said of those ancient times, "...there were countless women who mattered.... Their deeds haven't been lost to us either; uppity women rocked as many cradles as the next gal, but they rocked a lot of boats as well. From different cultures, times, and social classes, they shared a common bond: these high-energy achievers didn't buy into what others said women should and shouldn't do."

What a good reminder. We definitely don't want to twist ourselves into pretzels to become what others expect of us. It's our own expectations we want to follow. It's all about authenticity, isn't it? We want to be and do what is right for us. We want to become our true selves. At the same time, it's delightful to have models from any time and age to inspire us as we make our way. If you're looking for models—or if you just want some delightful reading—I recommend these books.

Take a play break

Do you ever play anymore? Or do you think you're too old for that?

Actually, the older I get, the more I recognize the importance of play. We all need breaks from the seriousness and heaviness of life. We need to let our brains rest and amp up our creativity with some play. And by "play," I don't mean competitive sports or even card games such as bridge. I mean play, as in what children engage in when they become totally absorbed and erupt in smiles and giggles.

I read recently that there are coloring books for adults, so if that's your thing, go to. I often colored and drew with my grandchildren—and now I'm thinking that I really shouldn't have stopped since I enjoy it myself! And Play-Doh. That just feels good as you work it with your hands and shape it into all sorts of things. You can really have a lot of fun with that.

What about building things with Legos or other blocks? And I knew a therapist once who kept a sandbox in her basement. She said that was her therapy when she was drained from helping everyone else with their problems.

Maybe you like to play with the equipment on a playground—swing as high as you can, for example. Nothing wrong with that ... at any age.

Go ahead. Find something that symbolizes pure relaxation, fun and play to you. Enjoy it—and all the side benefits you'll no doubt experience.

Facing a new year

Happy New Year!

Some of you will be extremely happy to turn over a brand new page on the calendar and start fresh. Perhaps 2014 was a rugged year. You're glad to say goodbye to it.

Others of you may have experienced 2014 as an amazing year. Perhaps even life-changing and transformational. You are filled with gratitude for what it contained.

For most of us, however, 2014 was likely a mixed bag. So perhaps we enter 2015 with a wait-and-see attitude of expectation and fear—hope coupled with the knowledge that we'll likely face some real challenges, too. It's maybe a good thing that we have no crystal ball. We don't know what's ahead.

What we do know, however, is that we want to develop our resilience and our ability to face whatever comes, good or bad. That being the case, perhaps this is a good time to reflect on those things that most help us get through all that comes our way. We can strengthen those qualities in any way we're able. What's one thing that will help you face the new year?

Expectations & attitude

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the U.S. For many people that means family gatherings. And family gatherings can mean both fun and dysfunction. For some families, it's either fun or dysfunction. And for others, it's both.

If Thanksgiving gatherings have been pleasant experiences for you in the past, no doubt you look forward to tomorrow with high anticipation. However, if you've had negative experiences in the past, you may be approaching it with at least some fear and trepidation.

Or you might even be one of many in our society who have no special plans, no family with whom to share the day—or perhaps family far away and unable to gather. Or perhaps you have what I call "chosen family"—friends who have become as close and as important to you as family and with whom you spend holidays.

Whatever your circumstance, your expectations and your attitude toward your situation can make a difference in how you experience tomorrow. If you are less than thrilled about what tomorrow will bring, is there one small change you can make to your attitude that will ensure a better day? Is there even something you can do to make tomorrow better for someone else you know—or maybe even for a stranger? As we know, reaching out to do good things for others has a way of coming back to us, too.

Here's wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving!