So much to learn about anger

My last several blogs have dealt with some of the issues facing us in our country today, some of the issues that were and still are subjects of debate in the U.S. As we saw during the election process, these issues can heighten our emotions, most particularly the level of our anger.

This is why I was especially struck by an article on anger that I recently read by Russ Hudson, one of the authors of a book on the Enneagram that I especially like (The Wisdom of the Enneagram). In the article Hudson talks about the gifts in anger, saying it can give us courage to do things we've been afraid to do and that it can connect us with a sense of righteousness (as in our concern for justice). Further, Hudson says, "Most people are also quite surprised to discover that, when we are present with anger, it lasts only a few seconds—perhaps the duration of two or three breaths. It is our denial and suppression of anger that causes it to stay in us for much longer periods of time—ricocheting around in our nervous system until we are ready to finally feel it."

Isn't that interesting? He also adds, "For some of us, it remains as a simmering resentment and negativity; for others, it leaves us with a quick temper; for still others, it is so suppressed that it lives in our tissues, slowly poisoning our bodies with repressed, unresolved energies." And to that he adds, "The long-term effects of avoiding anger are every bit as corrosive as acting it out."

That said, he cautions us on how we express our anger. "There is a world of difference between being present with the energy of anger in our body and letting that anger provoke us to destructive behaviors," he says.

Are you surprised by his words? There is so much to learn about anger—how we can be present to it and how we express it. Perhaps another time we can talk about the gifts in anger, since most of us don't think of anything positive about our anger.

Don't let expectations hook you

Have you heard it said that, "Every expectation is a resentment waiting to happen"?

Think about it for a minute. I don't know whether you're like I am—but I often have an expectation of how a situation will unfold, how a conversation might go, what an event will be like or what an experience will be from start to finish. And just how often is the real thing even close to how I'd imagined or hoped it would be? Not often, I fear.

I can too easily get hooked by this. I am disappointed when things went south in a way I hadn't foreseen, when someone reacted so differently from what I'd expected, when a given conversation took a nasty turn. And, yes, that's when resentment settles in for a nice, long visit. I hate when that happens!

Does that ever happen to you? Have you found a good way to deal with it? A way to avoid it?

We can surely deal with the resentments on the back end. But it would be far more effective to avoid feeling resentful in the first place—much better to avoid unrealistic expectations or even avoid expectations at all. I'm trying to practice staying at a remove from outcomes, difficult as that is. I would love to be a little less attached to the outcome of either a given situation or a conversation—to just stay open to whatever unfolds. It's not easy as I've had years of practice creating expectations! But it's worth staying alert to this and trying to avoid attachment to outcomes.

Asking for needs to be met

Do you have some unmet needs that are pretty important to you and that you're hesitant to ask someone (spouse, children, friend) to help fulfill? If you were raised like I was, you likely didn't learn how to ask for what you need. In fact, many of us were raised to ignore our needs and tend to those of others instead—particularly if we are women.

It's great to be of service to others. What's not great is when so many of our really important needs go unmet and we end up resentful of others. The desire for those needs comes out sideways and in peculiar ways, especially to those closest to us. We may be angry or irritable and others have no idea why. Better to be direct and simply ask.

Check yourself to see whether there's something you really want someone else to do or say to you. Don't be afraid to ask. We don't always get what we ask for. But we surely won't get it if we don't ask! In fact, it can make for a good conversation if we ask a good friend or partner what that person needs and then say what we need from them. Go ahead, take that first step. This also gives permission for the other person to ask for needs to be met, so it may be a new behavior for you both to learn.

Old dogs can learn new tricks!

Enough with the self-righteousness already

Her advice makes so much sense, but it isn't always easy for those of us who learned to be people-pleasers as we grew up. We women seem to have special problems with that.  Anyway, here's what research professor and author Brené Brown says about boundaries and resentment in her book Rising Strong:

"The trick to staying out of resentment is maintaining better boundaries—blaming others less and holding myself more accountable for asking for what I need and want. ... I need to take responsibility for my own well-being." Further, she says that self-righteousness is dangerous—and that "I'm better than you" and "I'm not good enough" are "two sides of the same coin."

Wow, that's huge. Or at least it is for me. I need to let her words really sink in for me. I know boundaries are important, and I am aware that I need to ask for what I want and need. Acting on it is quite another thing. And avoiding self-righteousness and judgment, those are downright difficult. But Brown is correct: Self-righteousness is dangerous. It definitely puts a huge barrier between us and others.

Recently I saw the question posed: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship? That really sums up the problem with self-righteousness. It's a relationship-killer. As always, you and I have a choice.

Let go of the old stories

Forgiveness is such a huge, and often misunderstood, topic, isn't it? Seldom are we really taught just how to forgive—even though most of us grow up hearing that we need to do so.

Recently I read in Kathleen Fischer's Autumn Gospel: Women in the Second Half of Life this description of forgiveness:

"One therapist suggests four stages of forgiveness: to forgo (leave it alone), to forbear (to abstain from punishing), to forget (to avert from memory, to refuse to dwell), to forgive (to abandon the debt). She stresses that our part in the process is to refuse to dwell, to punish, to recollect. We stop bringing up the wrong again and again, and make a conscious decision not to hold resentment and retaliate."

What that therapist had also said is that we need only "begin the process" and be open to it, praying for the "grace of forgiveness" and the rest would come.

So often, however, we like to tell the old, old stories, don't we? We like to hang onto the resentments and repeat the tales of how wronged we were. So perhaps that therapist is right: If we but begin the process and "refuse to dwell," the rest may be easier. If we begin the process and truly open our hearts, forgiveness can come to dwell within us rather than the old tales dwelling there. It's worth a try, isn't it? The act of forgiving sets us free—we are the ones who benefit! Let go, let go, let go.

How are your boundaries?

I know I write a lot about the importance of personal boundaries. But I've dealt with it in my life, and I have so many clients who have, too. In addition to that, I hear so many women (and men, too) talking about how "used" they feel—as though people are really taking advantage of their good-hearted and generous nature.

Does any of that describe you? Do you say "Yes" more often than you'd like—and perhaps end up resentful later?

If so, it might be a good idea to work on developing, and keeping, personal boundaries. Those are like little fences that keep you safe from those attitudes, requests, behaviors and words that are harmful to you. They can help you learn to say "No" when you need to do so. Boundaries are not punitive. And you are the one who gets to decide what yours are. You are the only one who knows where to draw the line in terms of how others treat you. Is someone "guilting" you into always doing what they want? You get to say "No" to that, if that's in your best interest. And, of course, there are ways of saying "No" to words, behaviors and requests that are kind rather than hurtful.

When you set boundaries, you get to also say what the consequences are for breaking them. For example, I might tell my friends that I don't like raised voices. Then I can tell them that if they do yell at me, I will leave the room. If they persist in their behavior, I may eventually have to leave the relationship. All those things are within my right to decide—and to do.

If this is something you'd like to discuss, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Drop the resentment

Yesterday I read a wonderful quote that made me stop and think about how I approach my days. I found it in a book by Pema Chodron titled The Wisdom of No Escape: and the Path of Loving Kindness.

She writes, "Life is such a miracle, and a lot of the time we feel only resentment about how it's all working out for us."

I know that I have plenty of times in my life when I focus on what's wrong—and completely miss all that's right. It's the old glass-half-empty, isn't it? When I am so focused on what's wrong, I miss all the miracles and the blessings that are always there, too. I know I have written about this before. And I'll most likely write about this subject again—because I need to hear it over and over again. I simply need to be reminded to open up to the blessings and the good things in my life.

Does that mean I skip over the sad and difficult things as though they aren't real and hurtful? No, of course it doesn't mean that. I can be with those parts of my life, I can grieve what needs to be grieved, and still be aware of the miracles and the positive things. I just need to remember to not be resentful and angry about things life brings my way. That won't help me handle it, and it surely won't help me move on with my life.

How do you see your life these days? Seen any miracles lately?

'No' is a complete sentence

Do you have trouble saying "No" to people? Most of us desire love and approval, and that can make turning someone down difficult. Yet, saying "No" is a way of taking care of yourself. And as we know, self-care is a precursor to care and compassion for others. It's tough to give to others from an empty well.

When you do say "No" to others, do you feel guilty? Yup, I've been there and done that, too. It helps, however, if when you feel that guilt, you ask yourself some questions. Did that other person have a right to ask you to do something? Yes. Did you have a right to say either "Yes" or "No?" Yes. If you had said "Yes," what would have been the outcome for you? And that's a very important question. Because often the outcome is that you feel angry with yourself for doing something you don't want to do or don't have time to do. You are upset because it takes you away from things you want and need to do. You begin to feel resentful. You also feel somewhat dishonest and inauthentic because this really isn't what you want to do.

It helps to realize that some things are yours to do while other tasks are really for others with the skills, time or desire.

Remember, too, you don't need to offer an explanation if you don't wish to do so. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need to give reasons or excuses. Assertive communication is honest and is part of respectful relationships.

Letting go is tough to do

One of my favorite books—to which I return again and again—got to my bookshelf quite by accident.

I attended the annual conference of a religious journalists’ organization, registered, slapped on my nametag and grabbed the ubiquitous convention tote bag. Later in my hotel room I checked the contents and discovered a free book: How Can I Let Go If I Don’t Know I’m Holding On? by Linda Douty. Interesting title. But life was busy, so it went on my bookshelf. Until I needed it—and it called to me from my shelf one day! (Do you ever have that happen?)

I cannot tell you how many highlighted passages, underscored phrases and notations I’ve added to that book in the years since. It is a wonderfully practical book for letting go: letting go of hurts, of ways of thinking that no longer work, of grief that weighs us down, of roles and so many things.

What holds you back?
Think of what you most long for right now. What would you love to have in your life that isn’t there now? Then think of where you are right now in your life. Is there a gap?

What would it take to have that something for which you yearn—to be at that place you long to be? The chances are really great that one or several obstacles hold you back and keep you where you are. I know that’s often true in my life.

The chances are great, too, that some kind of letting-go process might be needed to move from here to there. Do you have restricting beliefs that hold you back? Or perhaps old hurts and resentments keep you stuck. Sometimes it’s even a person, a relationship you have that isn’t healthy. Maybe you need to let go of the way you act in that relationship—or perhaps you have to let go of the connection entirely.

Think about what letting go you may need to do. Decide what actions you’ll need to help it happen. Remember, it’s a process.

I invite you to share with us what has worked for you in the past. What letting-go experiences have you had, and how have they helped? Or is this a tough one for you?