Say 'yes' to authenticity

I cannot say enough in praise of authenticity. It is so important to be who we were created to be, to be truly ourselves. It's important to not sell out just because we want to be accepted or loved. We want to find our own voice, speak our own truth and act in ways that reflect the values we hold dear. To do any less chips away at our core. If caving to the pressure of selling out is how we have gained the friends we have, eventually it will catch up with us and we'll feel that loss of integrity. Once lost, how will it be reclaimed?

And as poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo says in The Endless Practice: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be, "...anyone, no matter how dear, that wants us to be other than who we are does not truly love us or doesn't know how to love."

Strong words. But so true. If your loved ones and friends encourage and support you in being who you truly are, be grateful. Very grateful. If not, perhaps it's time to begin saying "No" to anyone who asks you to be other than who you are. Perhaps it's time to say "Yes" to yourself—and to who you were designed to be.

Inspirational tidbits for today

I subscribe to The Magnolia Journal, the magazine of "Inspiration for life and home" put together by Joanna and Chip Gaines of HGTV fame. Truthfully, I often find inspiration in its pages. So their motto holds true for me.

In the latest issue on "curiosity," the editors included what they call the "Magnolia Manifesto" on what they believe. The manifesto contained several items that I want to pass along because I think they're worth some reflection:

"We believe:
—that friends who feel like family are the best kind of friends and that nothing matters more than family.
—that today is a gift and that every day miracles are scattered about if only we have eyes to see them.
—that failure needn't be a negative thing; rather, we learn from our mistakes and fail smarter next time.
—in doing work that we love and, in choosing that, nudging others toward doing what they love.
...and of all heroic pursuits large or small, we believe there may be none greater than a life well loved."

So what do you think? Do those resonate with you, too? There were more, but these were some of my favorites. One could journal several pages on each of those items. Give them some thought and see whether they inspire you today. May your day be bright and filled with beauty!

Friendships & letting go

Have you ever had to let go of a friendship for one reason or another? Perhaps the relationship was too toxic or negative and was dragging you down? Or perhaps your former friend betrayed you? Maybe you just didn't have much in common anymore.

Friends mean a lot to most of us. It's difficult to let go of old friends with whom we have deep ties and connections. When situations arise when you need to consider whether to keep the friendship or let go, spend some time before making a decision. Check in with your heart. Would you really miss the friend if you let go? What things would you miss? Do you get those things elsewhere? How important is that in your life? There are many more things to consider. Take your time.

Once you make a choice, move ahead decisively, knowing you've done your discernment work and that you're taking care of yourself. Although you may feel sadness about the loss of what once was good, you will also feel empowered knowing you have made a tough decision. It is true that sometimes friendships have seasons, and they come and go in our lives.

If you would like, I invite you to share an experience you've had around this.

Let's hear it for friendships

We women are known for developing deep friendships that help sustain us through all the ups and downs of life. I cannot say enough about the value and importance of the friendship circles I enjoy with other women. I'm not sure I could have gotten this far without them.

It's important to remember to befriend oneself, too. I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said about that: "Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world." It's the same as with love: to truly love others, we must begin by loving ourselves.

Family therapy pioneer and author Virginia Satir underscored the value of our friendships when she said: "I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood and touched by them." Isn't that what friendship does for us?

If you have a circle of friends (or perhaps more than one circle), consider yourself blessed. And be sure to thank these people for being such a crucial part of your life. If you don't have such a circle, see whether it's possible to find one or start one. It's been said that friends divide our grief and double our joy. Yes, indeed!

Who is your tribe?

These days we hear women talking about their "tribe." Have you heard that term? They're generally referring to that group (most often other women) that "gets them." Your tribe is that group of people with whom you feel completely comfortable and at home, with whom you can be more authentic and real than with anyone else.

While we don't want to limit our time to only our tribe because we do grow by being exposed to as much diversity as possible, it is wonderful to have a tribe and to spend time with that group. Often, that's where we get our acceptance, validation and affirmation.

I love what Oprah Winfrey says about community and friendships: "You need friends who want nothing from you but everything for you." It's the words "from" and "for" in that sentence that are important. How wonderful is it to have friends who are for you?! They are the gold-star members of your fan club. They are your support system. They will be there in the good times—and in the bad. We all need friends like that.

When you have such a tribe, do everything you can to nurture and nourish those relationships. Treasure them, for those relationships are a gift.  Give gratitude for such friends.

Maybe it wasn't an accident

On a cold December day as I was cleaning house in preparation for Christmas guests, my doorbell rang. At first I paid scant attention since I assumed it was a package delivery. But the doorbell rang again several times. I found one of my neighbors at the door with no coat and with slippers on her feet. She said she was really embarrassed but she'd accidentally locked herself out of her house (with no key and no cell phone) and needed to use my phone to call a locksmith. Of course, I welcomed her in and offered her my phone. The locksmith couldn't come for 1-1/2 hours. So we had a delightful chance to get acquainted—more than the waves or the "Hi" at the mailboxes. (And I got a break from cleaning!)

Because of that accidental lockout, Carol has now invited me to join a women's group that meets once a month to discuss issues important to women of a certain age. I attended a couple weeks ago and am delighted to be part of this group. Because of Carol, too, I have been introduced to a wonderful senior activity center only a mile away—that, oddly, I knew nothing about even though I've lived here more than 15 years! That center has more exercise classes, outings and activities than I could ever imagine. How did I not know about it before?

Don't you just love when things like this happen? I felt awful for Carol that day, but she and I both agreed it opened a wonderful door for us both to get acquainted. And now I am taking yoga classes and looking at other options—plus I'm hooked into a new support group of women. Pay attention. Keep your eyes open—you never know when some new doors will open and some delightful surprises will occur.

Self-love & friendships

Last week we talked a bit about self-love. It occurs to me that one of the ways that we engage in self-love is to surround ourselves with good friends—people who sincerely care about us and wish for our good.

A word I've heard in the last couple years is "frenemies." It combines the word "friend" with "enemy," and it's a friend who actually takes pleasure in your pain and doesn't really want good things for you. It doesn't matter why that is, whether it's jealousy or narcissism or whatever. Such people hurt you over and over. They simply aren't good for you.

It's a bit difficult if such a person is a close family member. If that is the case, perhaps the best you can do is maintain solid boundaries on what behavior you will and will not accept—and on how much time you will be in that person's presence.

If this is a friend, however, you may want to think seriously about letting the friendship go. Truly, you deserve to have friends who support your well-being. You will love and respect yourself when you do not accept behavior that hurts you over and over. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you just as you love and support them. We want our relationships to be healthy and loving. They should not tear us down. Other forces in the world do plenty of that. We don't need frenemies to help!

We need difference

Have you ever noticed that the qualities that draw you to another person, be it your partner or a friend, can also be those traits that drive you absolutely crazy?

It's true. Opposites do attract. And it's actually a good thing they do. We don't need to hang out with clones of ourselves all the time. Difference is good.

My fiancé and I often remark that it's good we have differences. I'm a doer, and he's a thinker. Not that he doesn't "do" and I don't "think." We both do both those things! But John is more thorough than I am to think things through before acting. As for me, I'll think about something a while and then just move into action. My motto is more "Get 'er done." John's is "Let's get it right." When we go shopping, John will look at an item in several stores to really examine each product, taking his time to come to a decision. I'll look at a small sampling, make a decision and move on it. Afterward, I don't look back. But John will keep thinking about the decision well after it's made.

He is good for me. He helps me consider things in more detail than I might do. And I'm good for him. I help him move from research/thinking mode into action.

We can drive each other crazy with this, it's true. But mostly, we celebrate these differences—and laugh about them. Do you experience this in your life, too?

Friendships—what joy!

The older I get, the more aware I am of what friendships add to my life—particularly my women's friendships. When I was younger and in the throes of child-raising, I didn't have a clue how much I would come to depend on and value these relationships I have with other women.

I have male friends, too, but somehow it's those women's friendships that I come to count on. We live in the same kind of bodies; and, although we are different from one another, we have so much in common—and that helps me face all sorts of things. It helps me to know that some of the things I experience and the emotions I feel are normal. That's no small thing. And the laughter we share—wow, that's healing and just plain fun.

My Mary Engelbreit calendar yesterday said it well: "Friends make the bad times good and the good times unforgettable." Yes, indeed. They do. We get by with a little help from our friends!

I'm going to start telling my friends more often how much I appreciate them. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be without them. And they need to know that!

About friendships

Friendship is such a gift, isn't it? If you have a handful of true friends, you are rich and blessed indeed.

There are so many wonderful quotes about friendship. Muhammad Ali said, "Friendship ... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." And Henry Van Dyke said, "A friend is what the heart needs all the time."

"One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood," said Lucius Annaeus Seneca. And Helen Keller left us with this thought, "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

No doubt you have gone through difficult times when you found out who your true friends were. I surely have. Sometimes you get surprised by who stays and who leaves. As Walter Winchell said, "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." And it was Euripides who said, "Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness." Marlene Dietrich wisely added her own words, "It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter." Yes, indeed.

If you were to leave the world with just one quote about friendship, what would you say?

You have the power to choose

"Allowing people inside your life is a beautiful thing. Letting go of people who drain your spirit is another beautiful thing you can do for your life. The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go."

These powerful words come from the inspirational author Dodinsky. And while they seem pretty straightforward, I'm not sure we always see ourselves as having choices when it comes to what (or whom) we let into our lives or don't.

It's really about setting boundaries for ourselves. Boundaries are similar to fences. We create them as a way of using our "power to choose" what (and whom) to accept and not accept into our lives. Setting boundaries requires us to first decide what behavior and type of talk we will (and will not) allow into our lives. Then we also get to decide what we will do once someone says or does a thing we have decided not to allow into our lives. This consequence isn't about being punitive or manipulative. It simply states the consequence of someone crossing that boundary line.

It's just important to know that we don't have to allow someone in who is toxic and drains our spirit. And, yes, it's beautiful to allow people inside your life. Just be sure to create boundaries for yourself. You do have the power.

Your choice

I don't know about you, but it's not easy for me to let go of deep friendships. Yet there have been times in my life when I've had to do just that ... for any number of reasons.

Most often it occurred because a friendship was draining to my spirit—or toxic for me. This is not a judgment against the other person. That person may have been a perfectly good person. We just didn't work well together.

Sometimes our hangups or worst traits as friends might hook each other. A relationship simply may not work and may be unhealthy for you—and probably for the other person, too.

The thing to remember is that you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go. You get to choose what's best for you without it being a judgment on the other person. As we've said often in these blogs, who and what we surround ourselves with is important to how healthy we're able to be. What we take in and what we live around affects how we see and experience life. It affects who we are and how we act.

Sad as it may be to discontinue a friendship, it's wise to take stock occasionally and see how healthy your friendships are. Sometimes there are issues that can be addressed and fixed. Sometimes, that isn't possible. And then you must choose: accept or let go of the friendship.

Raising adults

We often hear it said that it takes a village to raise a child. I completely agree; it does. Children can't have too many of us loving them and supporting them. That's why I take my role as grandma seriously. I think I provide something that's different from what parents can provide. I remember as a parent being so focused on the daily details of my children's lives; but now as a grandparent, I can enjoy my grandchildren relatively free of the care and detail to which their parents need to pay attention.

But I'd like to take that maxim even further and suggest that it also takes a village to raise each of us. I firmly believe that we each need as many loving, supportive individuals in our lives as is possible to cheer us on when we're doing well and to help pick us up when we stumble or fall.

Because I believe that, it hurts deeply when I see that sometimes we women cut each other down in our efforts to get to the top. It's sort of the "let's see who can get the best date to the prom" syndrome except that it's decades after proms! We don't need to compete with each other, whether it's for career advancement or for the attention of a specific male—or whatever we see as the desired goal. How much better off we all are when we walk shoulder to shoulder or hand in hand, working toward the well-being of us all.

Close friendships with other women provide a good place in which to practice that supportive behavior. If you have such friendships, be grateful—and nurture them. If you don't, perhaps you'd like to find such a caring, supportive friend.