Say 'yes' to authenticity

I cannot say enough in praise of authenticity. It is so important to be who we were created to be, to be truly ourselves. It's important to not sell out just because we want to be accepted or loved. We want to find our own voice, speak our own truth and act in ways that reflect the values we hold dear. To do any less chips away at our core. If caving to the pressure of selling out is how we have gained the friends we have, eventually it will catch up with us and we'll feel that loss of integrity. Once lost, how will it be reclaimed?

And as poet and cancer survivor Mark Nepo says in The Endless Practice: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be, "...anyone, no matter how dear, that wants us to be other than who we are does not truly love us or doesn't know how to love."

Strong words. But so true. If your loved ones and friends encourage and support you in being who you truly are, be grateful. Very grateful. If not, perhaps it's time to begin saying "No" to anyone who asks you to be other than who you are. Perhaps it's time to say "Yes" to yourself—and to who you were designed to be.

All in the family

As my beloved sister and I help our brother deal with dementia, I am reminded once again of the importance of family. Family: The people who love you, who are there for you in the good times and the bad, the people who knew you when, the ones who know your flaws and failings and love you anyway, the ones who are your best supporters.

Except—this is not always the case. I have many friends whose families don't do that. They cannot go to family members and expect love, affirmation and support. Some have no families to which they can go at all. Others have families who simply are unable to provide love and support. Still others have experienced a rupture somewhere along the way.

But here's the good news. What I call "chosen families" also fill the bill! Often, dear friends are as close or closer to you than any family member might be. They will be there for you in good times and bad. And when your friendship goes back a long ways, you do know a lot about each other's stories and lives. This definitely can fill the bill!

Sadly, not all families of origin are what we would wish them to be. If that's the case for you, don't despair. Remember that families don't have to be connected by blood. They can be connected by love!

Do you have any "chosen family" members? (Even when you have a loving family, you might still have some "chosen family" too.) Be grateful if you do! Thank them for being in your life.

Giving support and help

Do you remember how Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers, children's TV program host) used to talk about when he was a boy and saw scary things in the news, his mother would say to him, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

I think of Mr. Rogers and that comment so often when I see hurricane devastation and watch those who wade right into the midst of things to help victims—or when I hear stories of mass murders and those who move right in to push people to safety, endangering their own lives at times.

Now that I'm trying to help a family member collect insurance to which he's entitled for a long-term chronic illness, I'm so aware of the helpers! I make phone calls to request information and the person on the other end of the line offers even more help than I'd anticipated. I email a request and get an immediate response—and often, a caring and sympathetic attitude.

Occasionally, I'll be met with rudeness or a not-so-helpful attitude. But mostly, I'm uplifted by so many helpers out there!

This makes me ask myself: Am I a helper?

Are you?

You are not alone

I'm sure your email inbox gets packed just as full as mine does. A few days ago I noticed another email from Gabby Giffords, the former U.S. Congresswoman from Arizona who survived an assassination attempt in 2011, asking that I contribute to help fight gun violence. In her email she talked about how most of the goals any of us set require the support and help of others. Our accomplishments and those times we've overcome adversity have no doubt been undergirded by support from others.

Giffords quoted Althea Gibson, the first African-American to win a Grand Slam tennis title, "No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you."

We do well to remember that. It really does take a village—not just to raise children but for adults to get through life, too.

What are you facing right now? Are you feeling alone? Are you tapping the human resources around you to help you face this? Remember, you don't have to go it alone. There are always people in our lives who stand ready and willing to support and help. It honors them when we allow them to help, too. We don't need to leap tall buildings all by ourselves!

If you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Women finding their voices

If you've been awake at all these past few weeks, you will have heard of the "Me too" movement. When victims of movie producer Harvey Weinstein began coming forward with their stories of his sexual abuse and harassment, social media exploded. In huge numbers, women came forward with their own stories of abuse not only in Hollywood but in every career field and venue imaginable. What courage this takes!

Women began posting on their social media profiles that they had been victimized, and they encouraged others to simply put the words, "Me too" in the comment box and on their profile pages. The idea is simply to raise awareness of the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault in our society—to get women (and men, too) to raise their hands and say they have been affected. As The Atlantic put it, "There's a monumental amount of work to be done in confronting a climate of serial sexual predation—one in which women are belittled and undermined and abused and sometimes pushed out of their industries altogether. But uncovering the colossal scale of the problem is revolutionary in its own right."

The problem of sexual predation is an old one and runs deep in our society. It has been allowed to continue because of shame and secrecy. Victims are afraid to come forward because they'll be re-victimized, whether that be in the media, in the court system, by police or even by friends and family. Years ago in my life as a journalist, I interviewed dozens of victims of clergy sexual abuse. I was amazed by the number of church leaders and also church members who defended the abusive clergy and who blamed the victims. "She must've led him on." I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that! Abuse is never all right. 

It's time for all this to stop. We women are finding our voices. That is powerful! We need to support and encourage each other in this. We need to empower each other. This absolutely needs to end. Women's lives do matter. And we need to add our voices to the huge chorus being raised these days. Me too!

Bound together as women

I used to wonder why women sometimes sabotage one another, turn on each other and generally treat other women in ways they'd never treat men in their lives. Then years ago I read several articles and books on the topic and learned about "horizontal violence," "the female face of patriarchy," women who are "male referented" and similar topics. I learned there are many reasons for this phenomenon. It's what I often call the "vying for a prom date" syndrome in women. It's not pretty, and it definitely feels horrible to be on the receiving end of this. I know—I've been there. And it isn't helpful to us moving forward as women in this culture or globally.

So when I re-read the words of Renita J. Weems from her book Just a Sister Away as repeated in Jan Richardson's book Sacred Journeys: A Woman's Book of Daily Prayer, they really caught my attention. Again.

"As black and white women in America, as Israeli and Lebanese women, as white South African and black South African women, as Asian and European women, as the wives of terrorists and the wives of victims of terrorists, working for righteousness in splendid isolation from one another is a luxury we cannot afford. Injustice in our lands relies upon the perpetual alienation of women from one another and upon relentless hostility between women. Indeed, our estrangement from one another continues to compromise the integrity of our witness as God-fearing women."

Wow! Yes, yes, yes. May we all learn how to care for and support each other as women—for as Heather McVoy says in a litany also found in Richardson's book, "...each woman's struggle is everywoman's burden."

Let's stand together and turn this around!

We support one another

Some days it's really a challenge to remain positive, isn't it? People close to us and around us facing health challenges, sometimes of major proportions. Or perhaps we have our own challenges, health or otherwise. News that is frightening and depressing. Problems everywhere we look. Aaargh. What are we to do?

Even though sometimes we may need to take a break from the news, we can't forever hide our heads in the sand. And we don't want to be MIA from family, friends and others we know who are facing difficulties.

This is when it's good to remember that we have each other. That we need each other. When you are in need of inspiration and a pick-me-up, no doubt someone you know is feeling strong and positive. Seek out others to get what you need to keep on going. It truly does take a village. And our relationships really do give us the support and courage we need to keep on going. So let's be sure we don't neglect our relationships. Nurture and nourish them, knowing you always get back far more than you give.

You do have some power!

How often have you said something such as, "But I'm just one person. I can't really do anything about that." Most likely, every one of us has said or thought this from time to time.

However, I was just reminded again the other day that we need to take what power we have, join forces with others and bring about the change we seek. I read about the Mothers of the Plaza de Mayo in Argentina. I've heard stories about them before. They gathered by ones, by twos and in time, by larger numbers to call attention to those they loved who had been "disappeared" in the years of military rule that followed the ousting of President Isabel Peron. In the eight years after her ouster, an estimated 30,000 people became the "disappeared ones." Kidnapped, arrested, imprisoned, murdered. And their loved ones had no idea where they were or what had happened to them.

So the mothers gathered—in increasingly larger numbers, supporting one another and calling attention to the injustice. The government attempted to silence them, threatening them and even killing some of them. But the mothers didn't give up. They were taking what power they had to name what was wrong in their society. What they did brought life to others throughout Central and South America when similar atrocities happened in other countries there.

I'm reminded, too, of the women in Liberia who gathered week after week until finally, they forced the various sides in that country's civil war to stop their killing and fighting. Peace at long last.

Let these women be our inspiration, no matter what it is that keeps us chained and feeling powerless. We do have choices we can make. We have personal power. We have each other.

Where do you need to take charge today?

Who is your tribe?

These days we hear women talking about their "tribe." Have you heard that term? They're generally referring to that group (most often other women) that "gets them." Your tribe is that group of people with whom you feel completely comfortable and at home, with whom you can be more authentic and real than with anyone else.

While we don't want to limit our time to only our tribe because we do grow by being exposed to as much diversity as possible, it is wonderful to have a tribe and to spend time with that group. Often, that's where we get our acceptance, validation and affirmation.

I love what Oprah Winfrey says about community and friendships: "You need friends who want nothing from you but everything for you." It's the words "from" and "for" in that sentence that are important. How wonderful is it to have friends who are for you?! They are the gold-star members of your fan club. They are your support system. They will be there in the good times—and in the bad. We all need friends like that.

When you have such a tribe, do everything you can to nurture and nourish those relationships. Treasure them, for those relationships are a gift.  Give gratitude for such friends.

Going in circles

I like the idea of a circle. One of my early memories is going with Mom to her church women's circle. The ladies' group in our church was broken into several smaller groups called circles. Each took the name of a biblical woman. They did Bible studies, worked on service projects, made quilts for the needy and so much more. And now that I'm older and look back on those gatherings, I realize these women supported and cared for one another. Those circles were places where they could tell their stories, where they could feel safe and be with others whose lives were similar and who understood. They "got it." Surely these circles were a precursor to the various ways women still gather today to support each other.

Women meet for lunch. They gather after work for wine and a sharing of lives. They form book clubs that are part book discussion and part support group.  Women have dozens of ways to gather, share and support.

I've been part of women's spirituality groups and today am part of three different "circles" of women in addition to my weekly Bible study group. The women in these groups inspire me to be my best. They support me when I'm not. We hear each other's stories, learn, care, laugh, cry and support each other ... and more.

Circles speak of connection, wholeness, equality, infinity. Circles are so different from triangles, where someone is at the top as an expert. With circles, everyone is assumed to have a piece of the wisdom. And that is definitely true. No one has all the wisdom. When we put our pieces together, we have so much more than we would have alone.

A giant support system on Facebook

Something powerful is occurring on Facebook these days. Again, whether you agree with Hillary Clinton's politics or not, this might be something you could applaud. A woman named Libby Chamberlain, 33, began a movement on Facebook because of Hillary's preference for wearing pantsuits. She created a special Facebook page titled National Pantsuit Day November 8. On this specially created page, I'm seeing an amazing support system develop right in front of my eyes.

What's happening on this social media site is that individual women are feeling safe enough on that page (and you have to be invited to join so not just anyone can see the posts) that they're telling their stories. Stories of abuse. Stories of threatening behavior by strangers. Stores of incest, parental denial, violence of all types. Stories of bad decisions and efforts to get back on track. Stories enough and tears enough to fill a landfill!And yet inspiring stories of courage and survival.

But here's the beautiful part: Hundreds of other women—and a few good men—are leaving supportive and encouraging comments on the site in response to those individual stories. It's like a gigantic support group where people feel safe enough to share their secrets and their pain—and in turn, they receive love, virtual hugs, support, encouragement and kudos for their courage and their ability to survive. When I scroll through the messages, I can just feel the energy flying off the computer screen and coursing through my body. It is incredibly powerful and inspiring!

This is how we should be. This is the best of human behavior. And, frankly, this is one of the best uses of social media.

Mentoring—mutual encouragement

I've been asked to serve as a mentor to one of my congregation's confirmation students. I did that a few years ago and felt so privileged to do so. I always see mentoring as a two-way street, and it never fails that I learn as much as the person I'm mentoring—perhaps even more. So I really look forward to this experience once again.

You do not have to be asked officially by someone else to serve as a mentor. So many opportunities exist these days. I have nine grandchildren, too. So right there I have nine opportunities for mentoring. Perhaps you have grandchildren? Or you have neighbors? Or children of friends? Or just someone that you'd love to take under your wing, encourage and support in whatever ways you think are important. The work place is another good place to consider mentoring relationships.

And it isn't only young people who need mentoring. People of all ages can use some support, encouragement, a loving and caring presence and more. It really does take a village to raise us all.

What are some ways that you can be there for others around you? Do you know someone who could benefit from your presence? Someone to whom you can pass on your values, your knowledge, your legacy?

It's a mutually beneficial relationship. You will both end up encouraged and supported. Look around you today and see who could use a helping hand.

We don't stand alone

Some people still speak of a "self-made man" or "self-made woman." Really?

Each one of us builds on things that have been done by so many who have gone before us. As a woman, I'm especially conscious of building on the foundation that so many strong women before me laid down, painful brick by painful brick. Women marched in the streets, being attacked, hit, spit upon and turned out of their homes by irate husbands, so that I could have the right to vote. They were jailed and force-fed for that right. Other women spoke out and marched so that I could be in the workplace and could be in the board room (and not just to take notes!). I've been able to build on all that they set in place. And those who follow me will do the same.

My ancestors (and all of ours, unless you're Native American) left family and familiar surroundings to strike out for a new land that they saw held out promise and opportunity. Because of their pluck and courage, my family and I live in America ... and I can build on their accomplishments.

So it is with all of us. We are not islands. We cannot do it all by ourselves. It not only takes a village to raise children. It takes a village to raise all of us and to support our lives.

It's humbling and inspiring to think of all those civilizations and individuals who have contributed to who and what we are today—and to what we're able to do today. Let's stop and be grateful for those infinite rhythms of life. What an amazing support system.

Uncomfortable? Own it.

This quote from TV's Mr. Rogers just nails it, I think: "People have said, 'Don’t cry' to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is, 'I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don’t cry.' I’d rather have them say, 'Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.'"

It's so easy to project our feelings onto other people, whether it be discomfort or whether it be the arrogance of thinking that what's good for us will definitely be good for everyone else.

Ever had someone say to you that you absolutely must go to this or that doctor or try this or that experience because it was great for them and they think everyone would benefit just as they did? I'm sure it's all well-intentioned. But I think that what works for me may not necessarily work for someone else. And vice versa. We are unique in our tastes and in how we respond to things, too.

And when it comes to showing our emotions, we definitely are unique. I remember when my father was dying in a hospice facility. One of the caregivers urged our family members to be gentle and patient with one another because, as she said, each one of us would experience his dying differently. She was so right. So it's always a good idea to check what's really going on for us before making a remark such as, "Don't cry." Is it our discomfort? When someone is crying or showing any type of emotion, the important thing is to be present to them. Be there for that person. Affirm. Validate. Support.

Aim for realism, not blind fear

Anxiety and fear can be good things in our lives. They can alert us to real dangers. Your boss has become increasingly critical of things you're doing—and anxiety tells you this could have a bad outcome. You worry that you are about to lose your job, so you freshen up your resume and put out feelers for something else.

You're about to cross the street; and from the corner of your eye, you see a blur of color—a car running the red light. Fear grips you and you stop in your tracks so you won't be hit.

Sometimes we need fear and anxiety as warning signals, don't we?

However, at times we get carried away in our assessment of the danger ahead. The doctor says she sees something that's not clear during our mammogram, and immediately we jump ahead thinking we have breast cancer—and sometimes even play it out in our minds until we see ourselves on our death bed. This is what's called "awfulizing." We don't wait to learn what's really going on. We immediately take the situation to an extreme in our minds and feel the anxiety of its being true.

Rather than try talk ourselves completely out of anxiety or fear, perhaps a starting place is to try to more accurately assess risky situations. What is the likelihood of an awful outcome, really? And even if the worst happens, will you have options? Assess the situation—and try to let go of predicting the outcome. Once you have some answers, you can make a plan and take charge of the situation. And always remember, there is nothing wrong with asking for support and help from others when bad things do happen.

Raising adults

We often hear it said that it takes a village to raise a child. I completely agree; it does. Children can't have too many of us loving them and supporting them. That's why I take my role as grandma seriously. I think I provide something that's different from what parents can provide. I remember as a parent being so focused on the daily details of my children's lives; but now as a grandparent, I can enjoy my grandchildren relatively free of the care and detail to which their parents need to pay attention.

But I'd like to take that maxim even further and suggest that it also takes a village to raise each of us. I firmly believe that we each need as many loving, supportive individuals in our lives as is possible to cheer us on when we're doing well and to help pick us up when we stumble or fall.

Because I believe that, it hurts deeply when I see that sometimes we women cut each other down in our efforts to get to the top. It's sort of the "let's see who can get the best date to the prom" syndrome except that it's decades after proms! We don't need to compete with each other, whether it's for career advancement or for the attention of a specific male—or whatever we see as the desired goal. How much better off we all are when we walk shoulder to shoulder or hand in hand, working toward the well-being of us all.

Close friendships with other women provide a good place in which to practice that supportive behavior. If you have such friendships, be grateful—and nurture them. If you don't, perhaps you'd like to find such a caring, supportive friend.