'Learned helplessness'

As we approach the end of another year and reflect on all that's happened in our lives and in the life of our country and our globe, it's easy to become discouraged. I know so many people this year who are feeling depressed and overwhelmed with it all. It's easy to feel that way, especially if you listen to any news broadcasts at all.

However, let's all resist the temptation to descend into hopelessness and to feel that "We're only one person and what can we do anyway?" It's vital to remain hopeful and to do whatever things we can to contribute to the common good and to help ourselves with whatever we face, too.

I just learned that there's a name for the attitude of "I'm just one person"—psychologists call it "learned helplessness." It's toxic and can hold us back from taking any action. We believe there's no hope, and we quit trying to change things. It's so easy to grow weary. In fact, many of us are completely exhausted with our own challenges and with hearing about all the hatred and violence that surrounds us. Let's resist the hopelessness and helplessness.

Structures are built one stone, one brick, one board at a time. That's how we deal with life, too: one small step at a time. Change happens just that way as well. Let's help ourselves and each other to avoid "learned helplessness" and to stay in the game. It definitely takes a village to get through.

Although I will write only one more blog (Monday, New Year's Eve) for a while (I need to take a break to tend to other things on my to-do list), I will still send out my monthly ezine. If you haven't signed up, please do so to the right of this blog post. All you will receive is the initial three free gifts and thereafter, one ezine each month to inspire you. I don't sell my list, and I don't send you anything else.

For now, I want to encourage you to stay in the game and keep hope alive!

Action required!

How do you respond to tragedy and injustice? Do you stay silent? Do you speak up? Do you consider yourself an activist? A helper?

Are you sometimes so overwhelmed that it's easier to just flow through life as though you're sleep-walking? Or do you try to make the most of every moment and do what you can to make life better for others and for yourself?

Admittedly, some days we simply need to cut ourselves some slack and not jump into every situation that needs some help! And, too, sometimes we're the ones who need the help. It's a gift to others to be receivers and let them help us, too!

But once we look around with gratitude and count our blessings, we often do feel moved to action of some type or another. So many situations cry out for us to either pitch in and help or to speak up and take a stand.

I always remember what Mr. Rogers said his mother taught him: When tragedy occurs, look for the helpers. They're always there. And here's the deal: We can be those helpers, too!

Giving support and help

Do you remember how Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers, children's TV program host) used to talk about when he was a boy and saw scary things in the news, his mother would say to him, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

I think of Mr. Rogers and that comment so often when I see hurricane devastation and watch those who wade right into the midst of things to help victims—or when I hear stories of mass murders and those who move right in to push people to safety, endangering their own lives at times.

Now that I'm trying to help a family member collect insurance to which he's entitled for a long-term chronic illness, I'm so aware of the helpers! I make phone calls to request information and the person on the other end of the line offers even more help than I'd anticipated. I email a request and get an immediate response—and often, a caring and sympathetic attitude.

Occasionally, I'll be met with rudeness or a not-so-helpful attitude. But mostly, I'm uplifted by so many helpers out there!

This makes me ask myself: Am I a helper?

Are you?

You are not alone

I'm sure your email inbox gets packed just as full as mine does. A few days ago I noticed another email from Gabby Giffords, the former U.S. Congresswoman from Arizona who survived an assassination attempt in 2011, asking that I contribute to help fight gun violence. In her email she talked about how most of the goals any of us set require the support and help of others. Our accomplishments and those times we've overcome adversity have no doubt been undergirded by support from others.

Giffords quoted Althea Gibson, the first African-American to win a Grand Slam tennis title, "No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you."

We do well to remember that. It really does take a village—not just to raise children but for adults to get through life, too.

What are you facing right now? Are you feeling alone? Are you tapping the human resources around you to help you face this? Remember, you don't have to go it alone. There are always people in our lives who stand ready and willing to support and help. It honors them when we allow them to help, too. We don't need to leap tall buildings all by ourselves!

If you would like to discuss this, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

THINK before speaking

Have you ever found yourself in conversation with friends and heard words coming from your mouth that horrified you? Perhaps you said something snarky about another person, passed on a bit of gossip or said something unkind and hurtful to your conversation partner. I think we all have had that experience. It's not something we like to admit. But it is something we can think about and try to avoid.

Here's a helpful acronym that might be worth posting on a mirror—or perhaps even several places around the house. It was given to me by a friend a couple days ago and has really caught my attention:

Before you speak, THINK:
• Is it True?
• Is it Helpful?
• Is it Inspiring?
• Is it Necessary?
• Is it Kind?

THINK. True. Helpful. Inspiring. Necessary. Kind.

Enough said....

Got questions? Need help?

Sometimes being a life coach is a little like being a teacher. I don't always know what the long-term effect of my work has been. Sometimes at the time of my work with a client, that person will tell me what a difference our work is making or has made—and in specific terms. Many times, however, the work is a process. We begin it ... and the client can take it from there.

Sometimes a client will circle back and tell me how things are going after our work is finished. But most times, that doesn't happen.

So it was fun for me to come across this factoid in my recent AARP magazine: "85—the percentage of life coaching recipients who were somewhat or very satisfied with the experience." All right, then. I am glad to hear that.

I've worked with a life coach myself. And most likely, I will again at some point. I know how effective it can be to have someone with no skin in the game listen to what's going on for me and ask questions that get me to think about things in a new way. It helps me stand back and see things more clearly. It gives me a different perspective. And sometimes it helps me let go of ideas that aren't helpful so I can come up with solutions that fit better where I am now. It helps me bust some myths, too.

Please feel free to contact me if you feel stuck or want help with any issue in your life. I always offer a complimentary strategy session with absolutely no obligation, too.

Helping others helps you

Did you know that doing good deeds for others is good for your health? It's just plain good for many reasons, isn't it? We always feel better about ourselves when we can be of service to others and help someone in need.

A 2013 study showed that volunteering actually has a significant impact on blood pressure, making volunteers less likely to develop hypertension. Research also shows a link between giving, unselfishness and a lower risk of early death.

Then there's the "helper's high" that we feel after performing a good deed—when our brains release endorphins (feel-good chemicals). What's not to like about that kind of high?

People who do good in their workplaces are far happier at work, too, according to a study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. And the BMC Public Health journal discovered, after a review of 40 studies, that volunteering is good for mental health, too.

So if you're already doing good things, keep it up—and stay healthy. And if you're not, it's easy enough to find ways to contribute to the happiness of others. So many volunteer opportunities exist plus there's always an opportunity or two for doing random acts of kindness.

'I'm only one person'

I'm feeling grateful today. It's snowing ever so gently, so the landscape outside my office window is just beautiful—all clean and white with diamond-studded snow. And I'm safely ensconced inside my house, all warm and cozy. I'm not a real fan of winter, but this is picture postcard-beautiful.

At the same time, I'm feeling sad for the large number of Americans (and others around the world) who are homeless. While I enjoy the warmth and comfort of home, many others will sleep in a cardboard box, under a bridge or in a doorway somewhere.

Honestly, I have a difficult time wrapping my head around this sometimes. How can this be—in one of the wealthiest nations on earth?

It all comes back to me, though: What am I doing to help those who find themselves in such a situation? What am I doing to bring about the changes necessary so this won't be? It's so easy to say, "I'm just one person. I have no power." That's too easy, though, and we shouldn't be off the hook so easily. There are things to be done—ways to help. Many opportunities are out there if we just look.

Whatever the community or societal problem you and I see, let's find ways we can help. Every person's action adds up. Before long we see that, together, we have made a difference.

Do you ask for help?

I've admitted to you before in these blogs that for too long I've been clothed in a Wonder-Woman costume, attempting to "leap tall buildings in a single bound," and doing the Ginger Rogers' thing of  landing "backward and in high heels." Many of us women are familiar with that routine. That show of strength may get us through some tough life situations but, in the end, doesn't always serve us well.

At this stage of life, I'm trying to shed that costume. I'm trying to admit what I need—and actually ask others for help. Asking for help actually is a way to be strong, I know that in my head. It's not easy to break old habits, however. It's a work in progress, for sure.

I like what poet Mark Nepo says about this in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have: "Asking for help, whether we get it or not, breaks the hardness that builds in the world. ... One of the most painful barriers we can experience is the sense of isolation the modern world fosters, which can only be broken by our willingness to be held, by the quiet courage to allow our vulnerabilities to be seen. For as water fills a hole and as light fills the dark, kindness wraps around what is soft, if what is soft can be seen."

What an image. "Asking for help ... breaks the hardness" and "kindness wraps around what is soft." Hmmm, perhaps I need to put that on a post-it note for my mirror. You, too?

Life's give-and-take

I've heard it said that when you help someone up a hill, you get that much closer to the top yourself. That's just a lovely side benefit of helping others when they face challenges, isn't it?

So many opportunities exist all around us to help others—whether it's actual, physical help (moving someone, taking meals to shut-ins, working at a soup kitchen) or whether it's encouragement and support as someone goes through a difficult stage of life (perhaps sending a card, making a phone call, paying a visit). We can all remember times when we have been on the receiving end of such help and support. We know how much our load was lightened in the process.

What we don't always think about is what a mutual "transaction" this can be. When we are on the receiving end, we sometimes feel extremely vulnerable. We don't always like how that feels. We don't like to be what we call beholden to others. However, by allowing them to help us, we give them an opportunity to feel good about helping. Someone else gets to feel needed and to get that much closer to the top of the hill, too!

No matter whether you're giving or receiving help up a hill, remember that both of those are important and contain gifts for giver and receiver.

Any hills to climb today?

The 'secret sauce': Helping

Earlier this month, I turned over another page on my desk calendar to find this quote: "Helping others is the secret sauce to a happy life," by author Todd Stocker.

I like that. It's an interesting way to remind us of what we have heard so often and what we know to be true: We really do feel happiest when we know we are of help to others. If, in fact, it's true that we each want very much for our lives to have mattered, then it follows that we need to be about helping others. That's how our lives matter.

Does that mean we don't engage in self-care? That we become doormats and give of ourselves until there's nothing left and we're filled with resentment? Of course not.

It does mean that we don't remain in a state of self-absorption, though. It seems that a lot of today's marketing and advertising encourages us to be selfish and get what's coming to us, to take and take, to build up our own supply of "stuff." But we know that isn't the path to contentment, deep joy and happiness.

Look around. Do you see anyone in need of a helping hand? In need of some encouragement? Some love and support? You don't have to look far, I'm sure. Go ahead. Reach out—and find that "secret sauce." Share yourself (and your "stuff") with others. You will be so glad you did.