How does your courage look?

Courage and bravery take many forms. I just watched a video of my oldest granddaughter jumping from a plane high above the gorgeous countryside of Switzerland. I don't think I could skydive like that. I know Gretchen absolutely loved it, though. She is the type of person who will try new things, so it didn't surprise me that she did this during her college semester abroad in Prague.

My courage through the years led me to live five years in Papua New Guinea with my husband and family. And it took me to Liberia, West Africa, during its violent civil war. It also helped me survive divorce and create a new life for myself.

What does your courage look like? It need not take you to a war-torn country or high above a beautiful countryside.

Courage can mean showing up even when you are afraid of doing so. It can mean tackling a difficult task. Sometimes it means speaking up even though you might be shunned or ridiculed. It can mean defending the rights of others—or speaking truth to power. It may mean risking something important to you for a greater good.

Bravery and courage mean going through cancer treatments and facing each new day with hope, joy and gratitude. They can mean aging gracefully, despite the many losses and signs of decline you see in yourself. There are a million different ways to show courage.

Think of all the ways you have shown courage through the years—and celebrate yourself for doing so!

'A life well loved'

I may have mentioned before that I like the Magnolia Manifesto that's printed in The Magnolia Journal: Inspiration for Life and Home magazine I receive. This is done by Joanna and Chip Gaines of HGTV fame. Forgive me if I've already quoted from it before. I don't recall. Even if I have, some things bear repeating!

The Manifesto says, in part:

"We believe:
—that failure needn't be a negative thing; rather, we learn from our mistakes and fail smarter next time.
—in courage, in cartwheeling past our comfort zones and trying something a little bit scary every day.
—in subtle beauty, the kind that doesn't deteriorate with age or wear.
...and of all heroic pursuits large or small, we believe there may be none greater than a life well loved."

What more can I even add? Learning from mistakes? Definitely! Beauty that goes much further than skin deep? Oh, yes! And a life well loved? Indeed. Love wins!

Messy community means staying!

I am part of a group of women who just read and discussed the book A Bigger Table: Building Messy, Authentic, and Hopeful Spiritual Community by John Pavlovitz. We had deep and interesting discussions on the topic, sharing experiences from our lives and thinking about a different way of being in the world.

Being open to engage people who may look different from us or who may see the world from a different viewpoint than we do takes courage. Pavlovitz gave examples from his own life of situations where people discussed, debated and, yes, argued as they tried to make the table larger. He talked about the messiness of such a venture.

Here's what he said about that, "The bigger table isn't one you run from at the first sign of discord. It is based on the lost sacred art of staying." And further, he added, "Expanding the table isn't for the faint of heart or the impatient, which is why so few people actually attempt it, but there is something transformative on the other side of it. ... We need to stop talking and we need to walk shoulder to shoulder with people in real, messy, authentic community—until we all can see it for ourselves."

Yes! I believe he's right about the art of staying—staying in the relationship that would be easier to drop because you see the world so differently, talking about why you see it the way you do and listening to why the other person sees it the way they do, perhaps even learning a lot in the process! And we do need to stop talking and actually practice "real, messy, authentic community."

What might it take for you to do that? I'm pondering that myself these days—since I see the divide becoming greater and greater in our society. One thing is will take is courage, I'm certain of that.

Speak from the heart

Whether you agree with their take on school shootings and violence in our society or not, you really do have to admire the courage, articulateness and resilience of the Parkland, Florida, survivors of last week's horrendous school shooting. They are speaking out, and they are putting their money where their mouths are by traveling to the state capitol to ask for a ban on assault weapons. They're doing this just days after having lived through a frightening experience that most of us will never have to face.

I don't know about you, but I draw courage from this myself. If young teens who have only recently survived a near-death experience can find their voices, I ought to be able to find mine when it comes to speaking up for justice when and where I see the need for it.

Researcher and author Brené Brown says that the root of the word "courage" is "cor"—a Latin word for heart. So in an early form, the word courage meant "to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." I do believe that's what these young survivors are doing.

Can you and I do the same? If there are things we deeply believe and on which we hold back from speaking out, can we find the courage to tell what's in our hearts?

It's worth trying, isn't it? These young people can model courage for us all!

Vulnerability & strength

Can we be both strong and vulnerable? It's something I've grappled with for some time now. So when I read in Brené Brown's latest book, Braving the Wilderness, a quote from Dr. Joan Halifax, Buddhist teacher, Zen priest, anthropologist, activist and author, I was fascinated.

This quote from Halifax opens Brown's chapter entitled "Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart." This is what Halifax says:

"All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that's flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that's soft and open. ... How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly—and letting the world see into us."

These words are especially important as we find ourselves in such a divided country. Brown goes on to say, "If we're going to make true belonging a daily practice in our lives, we're going to need a strong back and a soft front. We'll need both courage and vulnerability as we abandon the certainty and safety of our ideological bunkers and head off into the wilderness."

How do you see this?

Women finding their voices

If you've been awake at all these past few weeks, you will have heard of the "Me too" movement. When victims of movie producer Harvey Weinstein began coming forward with their stories of his sexual abuse and harassment, social media exploded. In huge numbers, women came forward with their own stories of abuse not only in Hollywood but in every career field and venue imaginable. What courage this takes!

Women began posting on their social media profiles that they had been victimized, and they encouraged others to simply put the words, "Me too" in the comment box and on their profile pages. The idea is simply to raise awareness of the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault in our society—to get women (and men, too) to raise their hands and say they have been affected. As The Atlantic put it, "There's a monumental amount of work to be done in confronting a climate of serial sexual predation—one in which women are belittled and undermined and abused and sometimes pushed out of their industries altogether. But uncovering the colossal scale of the problem is revolutionary in its own right."

The problem of sexual predation is an old one and runs deep in our society. It has been allowed to continue because of shame and secrecy. Victims are afraid to come forward because they'll be re-victimized, whether that be in the media, in the court system, by police or even by friends and family. Years ago in my life as a journalist, I interviewed dozens of victims of clergy sexual abuse. I was amazed by the number of church leaders and also church members who defended the abusive clergy and who blamed the victims. "She must've led him on." I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that! Abuse is never all right. 

It's time for all this to stop. We women are finding our voices. That is powerful! We need to support and encourage each other in this. We need to empower each other. This absolutely needs to end. Women's lives do matter. And we need to add our voices to the huge chorus being raised these days. Me too!

Moving outside the comfort zone

Are you a risk-taker? Or do you stay safely inside your sphere of comfort? There's no right or wrong answer to that, so be honest with yourself.

I have taken several risks in my life but I don't consider myself a risk-taker. I'm not about to take a zip-line so I can sail through space over gulches and through trees in Haleakala, Hawaii. Nor am I about to go white-water rafting down the Colorado River. Those are way outside my comfort zone.

There are risks, and there are risks! What one person thinks is courage, another may not. Risk is whatever scares you. Simply putting yourself out there in front of others is frightening to most people. In fact, the number one fear is public speaking. Yet many people do it—and think nothing of it.

Recently I read about a man who has lived with a facial difference—and yet he is a public speaker, entertainer, stand-up comic and an inspirational speaker. Many praise David Roche for his inspiring story and his courage. He took something that would have kept most people in the background and used it as a strength. What a risk-taker. As his website says, "You'll remember more than his face. He'll open your eyes. He'll touch your heart."

Roche has the courage to be authentic and to dig deep to use a challenge as a strength. Perhaps he'll inspire you, as he does me, to step outside your comfort zone to do something you've long wanted to do. Come on, shall we try something courageous this week?

Transforming ourselves & the world

Media coverage continues on last week's killings in Paris. Although less attention is paid to them, Beirut and Baghdad suffered at the hands of terrorists as well. I'm finding it difficult to shake all this from my mind. And perhaps I shouldn't do so. Those most profoundly affected don't have the luxury of walking away and forgetting about it.

I had more conversations about it with friends at my book club Monday night. Those women were just as unsure as I am about next steps for us globally, as a country, as a people and individually.

I'm drawn to a quote in our church bulletin last Sunday from St. Augustine, early church father, theologian and philosopher: "Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

I'm not yet sure what that suggests in this case. It suggests that anger ("at the way things are") is appropriate. If that anger spurs us to look for ways to change what is, it's useful. And courage ... there's the action piece about which I spoke in yesterday's blog. Just what type of action isn't so clear to me. What can we do so that things "do not remain the way they are"?  As someone suggested last night, perhaps what we need to concentrate on is reaching these young men who are so angry that they are easily radicalized. Maybe so.

You may be asking what all this has to do with Way2Grow Coaching. I'm all about transformation, and that's what Way2Grow is about. My take is that the world badly needs some transformation right about now! What are your ideas?

Attitude is everything

I read recently about a woman who had been blind since she was 3 years old due to some illness she developed at that age. Fortunately, her parents encouraged her to do all she could with her life. She did. She went on to become a concert pianist and was married with four children. When she was asked about being blind, she answered, "It is a major inconvenience."

Inconvenience! I guess so. But isn't that amazing? Attitude is everything. Her acceptance of what life had given her no doubt allowed her to take her talents and gifts as far as she could. One could easily imagine her spending her entire life dependent upon others, complaining that there was little she could do with her talents because of her blindness. That wasn't her choice, however.

What have you had to accept in your life that you would rather not have had? We all have limitations. Experiences we'd rather not have faced. Some have chronic pain and illness. Others have faced losses that nearly broke them. But attitudes can make such a difference. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I should post that on my bathroom mirror. It's such a good reminder. Acceptance. Courage. Wisdom. Attitudes. Ah, yes, those things matter.

A courageous heroine

Yesterday I attended a program that centered around an impersonation of Eleanor Roosevelt. I've read a lot about this gifted and amazing woman, and I've seen the Ken Burns' TV series on the Roosevelts. So I already knew a fair bit about her life. But somehow yesterday's presentation—in which the impersonator dressed in clothes of that period and spoke as Eleanor about her experiences and what she felt as she lived through them—brought home to me in a deeper way the courage of this woman.

Eleanor grew up afraid of nearly everything. She grew up with no real affection or affirmation from her mother, who belittled her and made her feel plain and ugly. Although raised in a wealthy family, she experienced a lot of adversity and grief along the way. As we know, money doesn't protect anyone from pain and grief.

What stood out for me was what Eleanor said each time a new (and frightening, for her) situation or challenge arose: Yes, I'm afraid, she said, acknowledging her fear. Then she would do everything she could to rise above it. Her motto seemed to be: "Feel the fear and do it anyway," a saying we hear often today.

This was a good reminder to me. It's so easy to simply say, "I couldn't possibly do that." Instead, I want to remember to admit to the fear—and then find a way to overcome it, to go ahead and do that thing that seems so frightening. It's how we grow. It's how we expand on the gifts we've been given—and sometimes it's how we even discover gifts that have been latent inside us for years. So today I'm inspired by the courage of a woman who also had lots of fears but who made a real difference in the lives of others.

Healthy bones

Now that I learned I have osteopenia (a possible precursor to osteoporosis), I pick up on any mention of bone health and bone care. I'm looking at what type of exercises are best for bones, what kind of foods, etc.

So when I read about the four essential symbolic bones in our body in Angeles Arrien's book The Second Half of Life, I was intrigued. She is talking about something very different from the bones on my skeleton. But still I was drawn into her descriptions and am thinking a lot about the importance of each of these four bones and what needs strengthening or realignment in my life:

• Backbone: Arrien calls this "the quality of courage," saying it means "to stand by one's heart or core."
• Wishbone: "the quality of hope, to stay open to dreams, blessings, and possibilities."
• Funny bone: "the quality of humor, to foster joy and maintain flexibility."
• Hollow bone: "the quality of trust, to maintain openness, curiosity, and faith."

Isn't that fascinating to think about? I agree that those four bones have important roles to play in a healthy life. So as I think about the bones on my skeleton and how to keep them healthy, I'm also going to reflect on strengthening those four symbolic bones.

Control & choice

Actor James Dean once said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

That's a good reminder to retain our awareness of what's within our control and what is not. Changing the wind is not within our control. Adjusting our sails is. There is much in our lives that's completely out of our control. Knowing the difference is an important part of personal development—and of learning to live healthier lives.

Have you ever found yourself fighting or resisting what is? Perhaps it's an illness that struck you or a loved one. Or a change in job duties that you don't want. That struggle can be exhausting. You do have choices, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way. At the very least, you have a choice as to how you will respond. Will you accept the job changes? Will you even make the best of them, at least until you can find a new job (if that's what you need to do)? Will you participate in choosing your treatment for the illness—and perhaps even actively seek out options yourself?

Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer can also be a helpful reminder for such situations: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Go ahead: Adjust your sails today and get where you want to go just the same. Then enjoy the serenity that follows.

Develop courage

Earlier I blogged about the death of the courageous writer and poet Maya Angelou. She left us with many words of wisdom. One of her famous quotes deals with courage.

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest," Angelou wrote.

Each one of us is born with immense possibilities and potential. One of the traits we can choose to develop is courage—courage to speak out for what we believe. Courage to follow our dreams. Courage to love and be loved. Courage to be those things Angelou mentioned: kind, true, merciful, generous and honest.

I have also heard it said that courage doesn't indicate a lack of fear. Rather, it involves facing our fear and doing anyway that which we fear. It is a sign of hope to me that we need not be born with it. Who of us feels that we were? And who feels that she or he always shows courage? It can be developed, however. And it can be nurtured. You can nurture it in yourself. You can nurture courage in others. In fact, I've heard the word "encourage" described as "putting courage into" another person. Similarly, "discourage" is "taking courage out" or another. I like that—and I want to do more encouraging than discouraging.

What can you do today to build up your courage muscle? To encourage others?

Courage and fear—the connection

Courage. It's something for which we all long. Have you ever berated yourself for not standing up to someone who treated you disrespectfully or put you down? Or for not standing up to someone who was mistreating or making fun of someone else in your presence? Or who spoke dismissively of something you hold dear? We want to be courageous and true to ourselves and our beliefs.

As Sister Joan Chittister says in her book Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope, "Courage is the counterpart of honesty. It counts character more important than acceptance. ... Courage also implies our willingness to be honest with ourselves as well as with others. It requires that we learn to accept our limitations and to live within our boundaries."

And here's the part that stopped me and really caused me to reflect: "Courage is not the lost part of ourselves; it is the hidden part of ourselves that only fear can energize. Fear is not the opposite of courage. Fear is the catalyst of courage."

It's not the opposite of courage—it's the catalyst! I'm not sure I'd really thought of it in that way before. But it is true. When we face our fears, whether it's the fear of not being accepted by someone if we speak up in defense of another or in defense of our beliefs or whether it's fear of moving ahead with a dream, we discover our courage. Fear truly is the catalyst. Fear can energize. And that tells me that my fears aren't necessarily a bad thing. It's what I do with my fear that either holds me back or offers possibilities for me.

I'd love to hear what you think in the Comment box below.

Mandela inspired me

Last week the world lost a truly great man—Nelson Mandela. He was an amazing example of forgiveness, wisdom and grace—able to move beyond his own suffering to consider what was needed for the greater good.

Although he is known for many quotes of wisdom (just Google "Mandela quotes" and see what pops up!), two stand out for me at the moment. They are : "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it" and "The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Both of those speak to me of the fears I often have of moving forward, moving outside my comfort zone and fears of failure. Perhaps you've never had those fears. I surely have. And still do at times.

What I'm learning is that people of courage DO feel fear. They simply face it down (tough as that can be at times)—and then move on to do what they feared to do. Feel the fear and do it anyway. And I'm learning that life isn't about perfection; it's about progress. So when I fall, I just rise again and keep on going. It's not about never falling. It's about learning from the falls and getting back up again.

People such as Nelson Mandela inspire me. After all he suffered, if he could face down his fears, if he could rise up after falling (and after years of imprisonment), surely I can do so too.

What Mandela quotes speak to you today? Who inspires you today?

Practice peace, bring hope

Do you remember the cellist of Sarajevo? Or perhaps you've never heard the story of Vedran Smailovic?

Smailovic lived near a bakery in Sarajevo during the Bosnian War. In May of 1992 that bakery, one of few that still had flour and distributed bread to the war-weary and starving people, was shelled as people waited in line for bread; and 22 people were killed. That incident pushed the then-35-year-old Smailovic past his limits. Already he had seen and heard too much carnage and violence. Because he had been a cellist with the Sarajevo Opera (and longed to return to his beloved career), he did what obviously took him to another place inside and what brought hope and courage to those who heard him: Every day for the next 22 days, he put on his concert attire, walked into the raging battle all around him, set up a chair and played his cello in memory of the 22 people who had been killed outside his window that day. He played Albinoni's "Adagio in G Minor," which if you know it, is beautiful but haunting.

He put his life at risk each time he sat in the street playing his cello. Somehow he was never hurt (physically, at least!). But he brought courage and hope to those who huddled in fear nearby—and to those of us who have heard his story in the years since then.

What do you do in the face of pain—yours or others? Perhaps you visit people in care centers. Or you send cards and notes of encouragement to people facing unimaginable illness or problems. Where you see fear, perhaps you do your best to bring peace and serenity—even when that fear is inside you, too.

You don't have to sit in a street with a cello as war rages all around you in order to bring hope or peace. You can find whatever ways fit your life situation and bring forth your gifts. Just know that in this crazy-busy and sometimes frightening world in which we live, myriad opportunities exist for you.

The courage to be vulnerable

More words of wisdom from Paula D'Arcy at her retreat this past weekend: "It takes strength to help others. It takes courage to ask for help for ourselves."

For an Enneagram 8 like me, that's very true. I've admitted in my blogs before how difficult it is for me to be vulnerable. Part of the mask I wear is that of being strong all the time. Helping others is what I do, not only as a coach but also in my personal life. But asking for help for myself—that's more difficult.

You may have a completely different mask. We each have at least one mask because we don't feel safe in every setting to reveal who we really are. Some of us don't feel safe in any setting. And perhaps we don't even know for sure who we really are! That's a process of discovery in itself.

This year I am focusing on learning new behaviors when it comes to admitting vulnerability and asking for help. I hadn't connected that practice with courage, however, so I'm glad D'Arcy did that for me. Somehow it seems like a significant connection for me.

What connections are you making these days that are helpful in your transformational journey? I invite you to share with us in the comment boxes below. You can be absolutely sure that others are on a similar journey and will gain from your insights and experiences. Let's start a conversation!

Real courage

Last Friday I quoted Nelson Mandela talking about our fear of success. When I looked up that quote, I saw another by him that goes to a topic I often hear raised by clients, too: courage. Some of my clients simply don't think they have it. But they do.

I'm guessing courage is something you've thought about more than a few times as well. Most of us are aware of those times when our fears get the best of us and hold us back. We often think that fear and courage don't co-exist.

But here's what Mandela said: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man [or woman] is not he [she] who does not feel afraid, but he [she] who conquers that fear."

Or put another way that's often said, "Courage is facing your fear and moving ahead anyway." Yes!

I still have moments when my fears get the best of me. I am getting better at looking them straight in the eye, but some loom larger than others for me. And it takes me a while to move through the fear to the point where I feel I've triumphed over it. What I do know is this: When I openly face my fear (the huge gorilla in the room)—and talk about it—the fear shrinks to a manageable size. The gorilla becomes more of a monkey!

What's your experience of courage and facing fear?

Fill 'er up - with courage

Today I had tea with a dear friend, who is launching a business for the first time in her life. We talked about all the details that need attention when one is an entrepreneur. I shared some of my experiences in setting up my life coaching practice—as well as things I had learned from operating an advertising and marketing business many years ago. She shared some steps she’s taking to jump into this career that’s been a dream for years.

My friend and I encouraged each other in our enterprises and also talked openly about obstacles we saw. We shared the excitement and the passion we felt about our chosen paths, and we threw out ideas for facing the obstacles.

Isn’t it fun to have family and friends with whom we can share our joys and our fears? And isn’t it wonderful to encourage each other on the journey?

Encourage or discourage
Some time ago I heard a sermon in which the pastor described the two words “encourage” and “discourage.” She said that when we encourage someone, we put courage into them. When we discourage another person, we take courage out of them.

What strong images that provokes! Can’t you just picture pouring courage into someone? And siphoning courage out of them?

Take time today to encourage someone in your life. Picture yourself filling that person up with courage. Doesn’t that feel great?

And when others encourage you, accept it graciously. Take it in. Absorb it. Remember it. Feel yourself filling up with courage!