Fears & confidence

I have long admired Eleanor Roosevelt. As a child, she had received strong messages about her flaws—to the point where I often wonder how she was able to eventually develop the sense of confidence that allowed her to take a public role. She definitely overcame many odds and was a woman before her time. Whether you agree with her politics or not, I am sure you can admire her for overcoming those old negative tapes and speaking out for things in which she believed.

One of the things that allowed her to do this was facing her fears. This is difficult for us all. Fears hold us back from so much in our life. The only way to move past fear is to look at it straight-on.

Here's what Roosevelt said about that: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror; I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Yes, it's true. When you can look back at how you faced your fears and did something anyway, you tell yourself, "I can do this again."

What's holding you back today? What fears do you need to look in the face? Go ahead! You can do it.

You are worthy & lovable

Have you ever had the thought: If people really knew who I am inside, they wouldn't love me? Or if my boss or work colleagues really knew how little I know, they wouldn't want me here on this job. Many people have these or similar thoughts. So much so, in fact, that there's a name for this. It's the Impostor Syndrome. It's a worry that someone will see through your masks to what's really inside and know that you're incompetent or unlovable. Or both. And they will reject you.

Even people with successful careers can deal with Impostor Syndrome. We know many entertainers and movie stars deal with it because we've all heard stories about how needy and insecure some of them are. However, you may not have realized that ordinary people such as you and me also deal with IS.

If you face this even just sometimes, find someone with whom you can talk it over—a trusted friend, a counselor or life coach. If it helps to identify any old voices or old "tapes" from which you drew these ideas of yourself, do so. And then, do whatever you can to turn off those voices and old tapes. Replace them with affirmations of yourself. One such affirmation might be: I choose not to place my self-esteem in the hands of another person. Or: I am connected to God and my own sense of wholeness. Others are: I am good, and I am loved—or I am competent and worthy.

I invite you to not let IS drag you down and steal your confidence and joy. Please contact me if you would like to discuss this.

Self-esteem and control

We women especially often grow up with lots of issues around self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes it takes us many years before we feel a strong sense of self and develop the confidence we need. It's been said that women apologize far too often—for things we haven't even caused or that need no apology. Further, we are so hard on ourselves—judging ourselves harshly for things we'd never judge in our dear friends.

And whether it's a spouse, a parent, a friend or a boss, we can often succumb to efforts at controlling us in one way or another. That's why the words of my friend Gail Kittleson in her book Catching Up with Daylight: A Journey to Wholeness spoke to me:

"In the process, we can become beneficent to ourselves. It's a long road from harsh self-judgment to merciful kindness. Many of us consistently show kindness to others and refrain from judging, but when it comes to our own attitudes and actions, rude condemnation reigns. Cutting ourselves some slack takes time and practice. Unfortunately, each encounter with a controller reinforces the tendency to discount and dishonor our own autonomy.

"Manipulation and abuse have a cumulative effect. Controllers know how to angle us off-center a bit more with each confrontation. With enough time, we feel helpless and can't even put into words why we feel confused or upset. Of course, this looks like evidence that the controller is right about us, but we can learn to recognize that off-kilter sensation as a warning sign, our body telling us that something is wrong."

If this resonates with you, please talk with someone about it. You're welcome to contact me if you wish. And if you have a friend who is controlled by someone, don't be afraid to gently broach the subject. We all need and deserve self-love and self-care. We all are capable of agency and making our own choices.

Making peace with aging

I can't tell you the number of conversations I've had lately with various people in a variety of places in which the topic of aging has come up. Along with that topic, invariably the issues of illness and decline emerge. And nearly always someone will quip, "Aging isn't for sissies." Indeed, it isn't.

So when I read today in Suzanne Braun Levine's book, Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, that sociologist Pepper Schwartz had said the following, I was reminded that this is the other side of the coin:

"The only reward for aging is a sense of some honest friendship with yourself, where you get to know yourself—you make peace with the things you are and you aren't." She added that you see your life "filtered through a unique lens rather than a cultural one."

Levine then adds, "In other words, intimacy begins at home. Before you can establish your authority, you need to know the sound of your own voice. Before you can take up space, you must be aware of your boundaries—and your reach."

Sometimes we need those reminders that aging isn't all about decline and new illnesses we never wanted. It is also a wonderful stage of life when we are comfortable in our own skin, where we have become friends to ourselves and have made peace with our experiences and how we've faced them. It's a time when we can own what we can and can't do.

So, yes, aging isn't for sissies—and it also isn't a time to long for the "good old days" of youth when we lacked confidence and a knowledge of ourselves. Stand tall in the truth and beauty of who you are now. Name it. Claim it.

You are beautiful!

Following up on last Friday's blog on self-esteem, I like what the authors say in Queen of Your Own Life: Grown-Up Woman's Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve:

"Wouldn't the ultimate gift to yourself be to believe that, no matter what your age, size or circumstances, you are beautiful and then go out into the world reflecting that feeling inside and out? ... Your laughter, struggles, courage and determination up until this point all combine to make a powerful source of energy within you that illuminates your face so that the world can see the remarkable story painted there."

Yes, authors Kathy Kinney and Cindy Ratzlaff have it right. We each have a remarkable story, unique to us; and it's right there in our faces and in our bodies, too. These stories make us who we are—the tough things in our lives and the joyful moments, all of it. What a sense of energy we can draw from that.

No matter what size, weight, age, circumstances, IQ or any other type of measurement, you are beautiful. I am beautiful. For beauty is so much more than what society measures.

Remember that today. Stand tall. Be confident and happy just remembering this!

'Stay afraid; do it anyway'

So two days ago, Carrie Fisher, who played the iconic Princess Leia in Star Wars, died. She is well known for that role but may be less known as a mental-health advocate. Here's what she said about people with mental illness who might be afraid to pursue the dreams they have: "Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." 

That isn't just good advice for people with mental illness. It's good for all of us to heed. It's pretty much like the familiar saying, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." Don't wait for the confidence to appear. Move to action.

As you look ahead to 2017 and wonder what's on the horizon for you, you may be feeling some fear and apprehension. That's OK. Feel it. And then proceed into the new year ready to embrace all the opportunities that come your way. Ready or not, here you come!


P.S. Remember that next week, I begin my new blog-posting schedule of three days a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday). If you have topic ideas, I'd love to hear them at: sonia@way2growcoaching.com.

Trust yourself

I have often found that women don't trust the truth of their experiences. Believe me, I have spent many years feeling that way, too. Slowly but surely, we can learn to trust what we feel, what we experience, what we know deep inside to be true for us.

For me, trusting my own experience came as I spent time in the company of other women. As we shared our stories and received validation, affirmation and encouragement from one another, we empowered each other. As they say, we "listened each other into life". We helped each other find our voices and speak our truth. We began to trust our own judgment, our own experiences, our own opinions.

Because of that, I always encourage women to support each other. It's so important to have each other's back, to support the cause of women. We don't want to return to those days when we were young and in competition with each other for that date to the prom. We still see lots of instances of women sabotaging and putting down other women as they vie for male approval. Having said that, I want to clarify that we need not set up a women vs. men atmosphere either. But we also don't want to simply focus on pleasing the men in our world. We want to learn to trust ourselves—and each other as women. There's nothing like a strong female support network to help us build self-esteem and self-confidence.

'Get fired up today'

In her book The Woman's Book of Confidence, Sue Patton Thoele quotes Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "Light tomorrow with today!"

Thoele goes on to say, "Great advice, and following it means we have to get fired up today, aflame with the desire to follow our dreams.

"To fan the flames, we need to be enthusiastically supportive of our ideas, no matter how crazy or farfetched they seem. We are all creative—we have only to tune in to our night dreams to verify that—but so many of us throw the cold water of 'I can't do that' or 'My ideas aren't really very good' onto our original notions. ... Believing in ourselves is the most powerful bellows we can use to kindle the fire of creative thought."

Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe you are creative? If so, celebrate that—and lend support to those around you who don't. If you don't and would like a complimentary coaching session, I invite you to contact me.

You are enough

Have you ever said (or even thought), "I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, ________(fill in the blank) enough"? It seems to be human to have such thoughts—or let's just call them what they are: fears. We fear that because we're not enough, we'll be failures. We won't be loved or accepted. We won't be successful. We won't be able to face what comes.

But the one thing I am discovering in my coaching practice is that each of us IS enough. Sometimes coaching clients want me to give them advice or answers to their life issues. But the best solutions really come from within. So instead, I ask deep questions that bring out the wisdom contained within the clients—because who knows better than we do for ourselves what will really feel right for us to do? And the feeling of confidence and "enough-ness" when you actually discover your own solution just can't be matched!

Self-discovery is hard work. But it builds our confidence and self-esteem in a way nothing else can. Just remember: You are enough. You have more abilities and strength than you know. It's enough.

Build & recover self-esteem

If you're like most of us, you occasionally go through periods of self-doubt, times when your self-confidence flags. Worse than that, sometimes we as women don't even have a good solid dose of self-esteem to begin with.

If either of those things are true about you, don't worry. You're in good company. And the good news is that you don't have to stay in that place of low self-esteem or lack of confidence. You can change your perspective and your attitude toward your self. If it's simply that your confidence has fallen, for one reason or another, think back to times of success in your life—or times when you've been praised for who you are or something you've done. You've felt affirmed, respected and loved. Remember how that feels—and remind yourself that you're still that same person. Nothing has changed but your own perspective and attitude. Try a couple things to change that:

• Find photos of you in happier, successful days—or letters of praise and affirmation you've saved (I keep a file that I call "Good Letters" in which I keep some of those so I can look at them when I'm down and need a boost).
• Visualize yourself successful, happy and in your best frame of mind.
• Create some daily affirmations to post on your mirror as reminders. Some examples are: "I am worthy of all the good in my life." "I always do the best I can with what I know." "I am strong and able to ask for help." "No matter what others say or do, I am still a good person."
• Talk with a trusted family member or friend—that's where we can gain support and encouragement until we can give it to ourselves again.

If it's a matter of low self-esteem, that can be changed, too. Some of the above examples can help. Also try to change the messages you give yourself from negative ("Why did you do that, Stupid?") to loving and positive ("You are always so thoughtful of others"). And take care of yourself, knowing you are worth the time and attention. (If you don't believe that yet, act as though it's true, and soon enough, you will feel the truth of it!) Accept yourself and your body as it is. Say "No" to things you don't want to do without feeling guilty. And learn to accept compliments by simply saying "Thank you."

If you would like some coaching around this topic, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Resist comparisons

"A woman who knows her worth doesn't measure herself against another woman but stands strong, calmed, and self-confident."

That's what my Mary Engelbreit calendar page told me one day last week. Of course, it was written by that famous author "Anonymous"—whom many say must have been a woman!

I like the sentiment. It's far too easy to compare ourselves with others. Even though I know better, I still catch myself doing that at times. It's really not helpful, is it? Each one of us is unique. So why would it help to compare with someone else? We develop in unique ways and in our own unique timing. We have emotions unique to our particular experiences, and we each express them in our own way.

So this is a reminder to myself—and to you, too, if you need it today—to stand strong, calmed and self-confident. You are amazing. You have many gifts and talents that the world needs. So let's get out there and calmly, confidently do our thing.

Act 'as if' it were true

One of the pastors at our church often says, "It's easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting."

That takes some reflection, doesn't it? It not only takes time to digest that thought, it takes time to live into it. But so much is possible when you do.

That statement reminds me of what several people told me after my divorce. Act "as if" you're confident about the future, they told me. Act "as if" you see yourself as a successful journalist. Act "as if" your life will come together.

Know what? That wasn't easy—since I was filled with an immense amount of fear and trepidation. I didn't have much confidence at that stage of life. I surely didn't see good things ahead. But I took their advice and put on my most confident, successful face. Before long, life and career did begin to fall into place. Little by little, fears diminished. Confidence built. A career I could not have imagined began taking shape. And I began to think of myself as a successful journalist and a leader on my staff.

Have you acted yourself into a new way of thinking before? Or do you need to right now? If you want to talk about it, I invite you to contact me.