Look for the light

As I observe my own behavior and that of others, I often wonder why it is that we're so drawn toward the negative—toward the chaos and drama—rather than toward the positive and inspirational. It's as though the worst behaviors are the shiny objects in the middle of the road. On any given day, we collect as many of those as we can and cluck-cluck about it all. "The world's going to heck." "Whatever happened to civility?" "There are too many nuts out there."

I keep remembering what the late Mr. Rogers said his mother told him about "looking for the helpers" when any tragedy occurs. Rather than focus solely on the tragedy itself, he was taught to look for those who rush in to help. And there are lots of them out there, once we refocus!

I like what poet and inspirational writer Mark Nepo says in The Endless Practice: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be:

"So, in a world where tragedy is broadcast every half hour; where situation comedies are rerun nightly; where confusions and betrayals replay themselves; where dark histories repeat themselves, help me put my stinger down and I'll help you take the deep chance to come to your senses. We can take the time to move toward whatever we sense is precious."

Yes, that's it. We can help each other in this regard. It's so easy to focus on the bad behavior, the tragedy, the negative—but we can help one another refocus. Go toward the light. Find what is precious. Look for the helpers.

The power of the moment

Some years ago, a friend gave me a printout titled "This powerful moment." The words went deep for me at the time I first read it, and I just came across it again the other day. The words still resonate!

The printout contained these words:

"There is enormous power in this moment. The more fully you experience what is here right now, the more that power is available to you.

"Are you angry or bitter, disappointed or resentful about what has happened in the past? Then much of the power of this moment will be out of your reach.

"Are you anxious and worried about something that may or may not happen in the future? The  you will miss out on the opportunity to create real and lasting value from this powerful moment you are in.

"Imagine that everything you are, everything you know, everything you care about, is focused into this very moment. And feel the enormous power of what you can, right here and now, do with it all.

"Rise above the murky fog of what could have been and what someday might or might not come to pass. Focus the whole of your being on what is, and on the overflowing abundant opportunities this moment presents to you.

"There is great and wonderful power in this very moment, in who you are, in where you are right now. See it, be it, and let yourself live it fully."

When I Googled some of the words of this inspiring message, I learned that it comes from an online blog written by Ralph S. Marston. Happily, I see he still is blogging; so I encourage you to check out his recent blogs, too. We all need all the inspiration we can get, especially these days!

See the good—and give thanks

I've talked often about the difference it makes to my life when I focus on thankfulness and gratitude—on what I have rather than on what I don't have. I know I've mentioned in blogs and ezines that one time in particular when I was cleaning my house, I felt extremely grumpy about it. I was muttering to myself and complaining about all the work and how things just get dirty and dusty all over again. And then I stopped short when I realized that thousands of people in this country (and millions elsewhere) are homeless. They would love to have a house to clean!

I can't say I love housecleaning, but I do have a better attitude about it. I am so grateful to have a home that needs cleaning. I am grateful for a roof over my head when it rains or snows. I'm grateful for the warmth of my home—or in hot, humid summer, the cool air circulating in it. I am thankful for a bed in which to sleep, for a shower, a refrigerator and food to put into it. And so much more.

That reminds me of what I just read in my latest Magnolia Journal by its editor Joanna Gaines (of "Fixer Upper" fame on HGTV) when she talks about feeling gratitude in life's ordinary tasks such as cooking, gardening, driving and laundry:

"Laundry: This is and always will be a hard one for me. It seems as though I am washing enough clothing for a small nation. And yet in the mounds is a clear blessing. The fact that we even have such an abundance is enough to stop any griping. Beyond that, there is something about the smell of fresh laundry, the hum of the washing machine, and the warmth of linens straight from the dryer. These are small things, but the daily recognition makes them less small. They become a way of seeing the world, a way of acknowledging all of life with thanks and eyes to see the good."

Yes! I want to "see the good." I want to acknowledge "all of life with thanks." I'm trying to do more of that. How about you?

Feel the love!

I've been fortunate to participate in a couple sessions of lovingkindness mindfulness meditation lately. Not only have I found it to have a calming and relaxing effect; but after each 45-minute session, I have felt more generous-hearted and loving toward even those who might otherwise irritate me.

After relaxing each part of our bodies and paying attention to our breathing for a while, we begin to sending loving thoughts to ourselves, saying, "May I be well, may I be happy, may I be peaceful, may I be loved." After staying with that for a while, we move on to people we love—close family, friends and others. "May they be well, may they be happy, may they be peaceful, may they be loved."

After spending time wishing those we love well, we move out into the world: to those with whom we have a difficult time, to specific groups of people (perhaps world leaders, for example, or to those who live with violence regularly), and eventually out to all beings in the world.

When you have spent time focusing on a variety of groups of people, it's difficult to be tense and angry. It simply softens your heart to send such wishes out to all people. Meditation leaders recommend spending time each day doing this. I can see how developing such a practice could change my focus and keep me more positive and on target.

If you have questions about such a practice, please contact me.

Shifting our focus

So much changes in our lives when we shift our focus. Attitudes and viewpoints make such a difference. I like what author and psychologist Daniel Goleman has to say about that:

"When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection—or compassionate action."

Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence was on The New York Times bestseller list for 1-1/2 years. In it he discusses the mastery of our own emotions and understanding the emotions of those around us. He knows that wisdom is more than mastering facts. He knows that a focus only on self makes our world smaller.

Sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed with the events and problems in our own lives. At those times we may want to tune out everyone else and their troubles. But it's not helpful. It's not healthy. Our problems can actually seem smaller when we focus on other people.

Who around you can use some attention and time today? See if a focus on that doesn't put your own problems in better perspective.

Take some deep breaths

Thanksgiving is over. The insane shopping frenzy that used to follow Thanksgiving but now overlaps it is over. All eyes are focused on Christmas—and for many, that's all about shopping and gifts. Each day we hear how many shopping days remain.

Stop. Slow down. Take some long, deep breaths. Is this really how we want to spend the last weeks of this year? Is this really how we want to prepare for Christmas? Or perhaps Hanukkah is your holiday? How do you want to prepare?

Think about what's really important to you this season. Determine what is not important—and let that go. It's all about choices, after all. And you get to decide. Where is it written that you have to kill yourself with preparations to make holidays perfect for everyone? You really don't have to do it all. It's important to think about what's important to you and put the focus there.

It's too easy to get caught up in the frenzy. Make this year different and say, "No" to the craziness and the frenzy. Make it a meaningful and special Christmas for yourself and those you love by making choices that are just right for you.

Time to refocus?

We can all use an antidote to the negativity and fear these days. I don't know what helps you get through it all—or what helps you stay positive. Perhaps it's time to refocus a bit?

Many people I know practice meditation, contemplation or mindfulness. There are many different forms of each. And I notice that people use these terms somewhat interchangeably, so you can't assume that another person means the same thing you do when they talk about their practices.

Be that as it may, refocusing yourself can be simple. Many mindfulness practitioners recommend simply paying attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and consciously. Really pay attention to your breath. If your mind wanders, simply notice that and return to your breathing.

Many people also repeat a phrase or a mantra, something such as:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is a wonderful moment.

Other people recommend breathing in peace and breathing out love—or breathing in peace and breathing out stress as a way to let it go.

I encourage you to do whatever works for you. We don't have to fall prey to all the negativity, fear and hatred with which we're surrounded. Be positive. Be thankful. Be hopeful.

Avoid dwelling on the negatives

Have you ever had a bad experience and then replayed it in an endless loop in your mind afterward? Perhaps even for days after? Yup, I've done that at times, too.

It really doesn't help the situation at all to dwell on it like that, however. In fact, if there's anything in the situation that needs solving, forgiving, letting go or any other type of action, that's less likely to happen when we obsess over the experience repeatedly. Our minds are so full of the negatives that we can't even be creative when it comes to a solution. And if forgiveness is required, we won't come close to that if we continue dwelling on how horrible the experience was.

Try to shut down the "repeat" and "play" buttons in your mind. Do something constructive and challenging that will take all your focus. Throw yourself into some new project. Let yourself have a feeling of accomplishment when you complete something challenging. Spend time with people you love. Let your focus be on good relationships and friendships. Totally switch your focus.

Then you can return to the situation with a better ability to assess it and determine any action you need to take. You'll be far more creative and far more willing to let go and move on.

Three mantras to shift your focus

Several years ago, I worked in a setting that felt toxic to me. For one thing, it was extremely patriarchal, and I felt invisible at best and dismissed and shut out at worst. I liked what I did but not where I did it.

As long as I decided to remain in that situation, I needed to do everything I could to care for myself and my soul. I engaged in self-care for my body and spirit, and it took many forms.

One of the things I learned to do was repeat a mantra when I found myself getting pulled down into negative thinking, anger and resentment—when I began feeling worthless. I don't even remember where I found the mantras I used, but I still have the little cards on which I wrote some of them. I took them along to work in my purse so I could pull them out and look at them whenever I needed. Some I knew by heart, of course. Here are three of them. And if they're useful to you, I'm happy to share them:

"I will live out of my own container of love and compassion, regardless of others' actions."

"I choose not to place my self-esteem in the hands of another person."

"I am connected to God and my own sense of wholeness."

Sometimes simply repeating such mantras can take our focus in a different, more positive direction. And that's worth a lot.

Where's the focus?

One of my granddaughters is in a high school exchange program in Spain for nearly two weeks, learning more about Spanish culture and deepening her use of the language. She is staying with a family there; they have a daughter her age. Other classmates of hers are doing the same thing, staying with other families. In May the Spanish youth will come to the U.S. and stay with the family of their guest. It's a great idea, and I'm so excited for Elizabeth that she has an opportunity such as this.

When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, however, she immediately asked whether I wasn't worried about terrorism in Spain. It isn't that I'm not completely aware of the threat of terrorism everywhere (including in our own country), but that hadn't been my focus. I had been focusing on the wonderful opportunity Elizabeth has and what that might mean in her life. I was (and am) excited for her.

But it's interesting to me how someone introducing a negative into the situation could shift the focus for me—even if only temporarily. Yes, of course, terrorism is always a possibility anywhere. But that wasn't what I chose to focus upon. It did throw me off balance for a while. And then I let it go, instead praying for her safety and well-being along with her ability to be open to all the new and wonderful experiences, smells, tastes, sounds and sights she is encountering.

It's good for us to be aware—aware of reality and also aware of the effects of positivity and negativity.

Drop the resentment

Yesterday I read a wonderful quote that made me stop and think about how I approach my days. I found it in a book by Pema Chodron titled The Wisdom of No Escape: and the Path of Loving Kindness.

She writes, "Life is such a miracle, and a lot of the time we feel only resentment about how it's all working out for us."

I know that I have plenty of times in my life when I focus on what's wrong—and completely miss all that's right. It's the old glass-half-empty, isn't it? When I am so focused on what's wrong, I miss all the miracles and the blessings that are always there, too. I know I have written about this before. And I'll most likely write about this subject again—because I need to hear it over and over again. I simply need to be reminded to open up to the blessings and the good things in my life.

Does that mean I skip over the sad and difficult things as though they aren't real and hurtful? No, of course it doesn't mean that. I can be with those parts of my life, I can grieve what needs to be grieved, and still be aware of the miracles and the positive things. I just need to remember to not be resentful and angry about things life brings my way. That won't help me handle it, and it surely won't help me move on with my life.

How do you see your life these days? Seen any miracles lately?

Where's your focus?

Sometimes when I face a problem or challenge in my life, I'm so focused on the problem itself that I can't even begin to imagine solutions. Ever have that happen?

At such times, I need to be reminded to get the focus off the problem—and instead, focus on the possibilities, the promise, the potential. All those other "p" words that will engage my creativity far more than the problem itself will.

I firmly believe that whatever we focus on gets larger. That being the case, it only makes sense to let the problem be for a while and take a look at possibilities and promise, doesn't it? Suddenly, solutions can present themselves that would never have occurred to us when we're all tensed up and noodling the issue itself.

It can be easier to get into that new focus if we do something relaxing or creative. Engage in some form of play. Do some yoga. Work on your favorite art project. Find something that can help you shift your focus. Then set about generating creative possibilities. Now, isn't that better?

A well-lit, smooth path

My Mary Engelbreit daily tear-off calendar had this message one day last week: "May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door."

I like that image. It's always lovely when the next steps of our life's journey are well-lit, warmed by friends and loved ones and oh-so-smooth. When those days come, savor and enjoy them.

But when the path has stones or perhaps even rocks to make us stumble, when things are so dim that we barely find our way, and when the climb seems straight uphill with no end in sight, let's try to find that bright spot. Is there a friend on whom you can lean? A bright sliver of light on which you can focus?

I don't know about you, but sometimes I focus so much on the stones on my path that I don't even notice the warm words, full moon and downhill trend of my journey. My focus is far too narrow, and I miss the blessings and the positive things in my life. It's then that I need to remember to look up—look around me and savor the beauty and the precious moments that generally are right there along with the challenges and difficulties in my life.

Be real and honest about the challenges. It doesn't help to wish them away. But let's also notice the blessings and miracles all around.

Focus on positives

Somewhere recently I read this wonderful statement: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I really like that. I don't take it to mean we shouldn't grieve when important things are over for us. It's essential that we grieve death, loss of ability, loss of job, serious health issues and so much more. We really can't move on properly until we do our grief work. And that includes grief over small losses as well as the larger ones of life. If we don't tend to our grief over what we consider small losses, they build up over time and deliver a blow just as deadly as large ones. So tend to your sadness and grief.

What I hear this saying is that, when all is said and done, focus on the positive. Live in gratitude that you had a person, an experience, an ability—whatever the "it" is—at all. That's really the glass half-full rather than half-empty. There's so much more life-giving energy in a focus on the positive. The energy that results from always focusing on the negative doesn't move us anywhere. It keeps us immobilized. Fearful. Stuck in a rut.

If you have thoughts on this—or an experience to share—I'd love to hear about it in the Comment Box below. I'm guessing other readers of this blog would love to hear your wisdom, too.

Why are you here?

"I heard the other day that there are two days in our life that are most important," my friend said. "One is the day we are born. The other is the day we figure out why we were born."

Well, OK, there likely won't be an exact day when a thunderclap will sound and we'll have an instant aha-moment revealing the purpose of our life. I'm sure that isn't what the person who developed that idea had in mind. I know for sure it isn't what my friend had in mind. It's more likely a long process of growth and transformation, isn't it?

However, the thought is there: Discovering our purpose is as important as the fact that we were born at all. Why are you here? Why am I here? What gift or gifts do you bring to the world because of your unique personality, talents and outlook on life?

Psychiatrist, author and speaker Jean Shinoda Bolen put it like this once when I heard her keynote a women's convention: What's your assignment? What were you put on earth to do?

As my friends and I discussed the idea of why we were born, we agreed that this may not necessarily be a huge, world-changing assignment. Some people are here to start movements or organizations that have far-reaching effects on society. Others of us are here to encourage all those around us to reach their best selves. Or to share our joy of learning with little ones. Or to write stories or articles that inspire others. Or to help people heal in some form or another.

What do you think? Why are you here? Do you know? Don't worry if you haven't thought about it before. I invite you to give it some thought, however, and see whether it affirms what you've already been doing—or perhaps even suggests some other focus for you.

It's all in my focus

Yesterday afternoon, after several gloomy days without sunshine, the sun broke through. What a treat.

As I saw the sunshine stream through my windows, I noticed places on the windowpane where my attempts at cleaning were imperfect—smears here and there. And I noticed dust on my furniture that hadn't been noticeable when the sun wasn't shining.

Instead of dropping everything to re-do the windows and dust my furniture, I decided to simply enjoy the lovely sunshine streaming into my rooms. I continued what I was doing, stopping every now and then to look up and simply soak in the beauty of sunshine.

In the past I would have been more inclined to focus on what I hadn't done well and I would have missed the beauty. I think this is one of the bonuses of growing older—letting go of some things that seemed so important to me years ago and focusing on the beauty that's right there in from of me. Now I can be more present in the moment.

I can't do anything about all I've missed through the years by focusing so tightly on what I needed to get done. But I can surely begin to focus my awareness now on what's right here right now—the beauty right in front of me.

Changing up Christmas

No more slow dancing for a while, right? Now through the end of the year it's fast-dance time. Everyone is madly racing about shopping, writing on Christmas cards or composing their family Christmas letter, preparing menus, attending dinners and parties—and that's on top of regular schedules.

As I did some of my gift shopping yesterday, I wondered whether it might be time to make some changes in how my family does things. Several years ago one of my close friends and I decided to stop giving each other Christmas gifts and instead, give to a charity in honor of each other and our friendship. I liked that idea. I've begun doing that with a few other friends as well.

I am just about to the point of suggesting it to my three sons and their wives. I'll still give to my nine grandchildren, of course. But we adults really don't need much that we can't get for ourselves. It's the time together that's precious and important, not the gifts. And I love the idea of selecting a charity or two—perhaps some organization that feeds the hungry or shelters the homeless. So many people have little to nothing, and our money will be so much more helpful assisting them than buying yet one more item for our homes or closets. I'm so grateful for what we have, but I'd like to share, too. I'd like to focus on giving to people who really do need.

Does that make me a Grinch? I certainly hope not. That isn't my intention. I enjoy selecting gifts for my family. It's just that I'm increasingly aware of people who are sleeping outside while I'm in my house with a furnace that keeps me warm and a refrigerator that's full of food.

Do you have any ideas that have worked for you or your family and friends?

'Inhabit your moments'

These days we hear so much about the importance of living in the moment. It may sound trite after a while. But that doesn't mean it's not important.

Writer Jerry Spinelli put it this way: "Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow."

I especially like those last two sentences. "Inhabit your moments." Inhabit means "live in or occupy." That suggests far more than our body being in the moment, doesn't it? To really occupy something means to be fully present: body, mind and spirit. And "Don't rent them out to tomorrow." Yes, indeed. Our moments aren't for rent. Not to anyone else. And not even to us for another day. 

It's not easy, however. I'll be the first to admit that. Sometimes we're caught up in regret—or even in the delicious remembering of past events. And sometimes we're caught up in worry about the future—or even in the joyful anticipation of upcoming events. That's all well and good. But if either of those steals us away from the present, we're missing out on so much of life. All we can do is our best—trying to stay awake and aware so we can savor each moment as it happens. Focus on right now. Pay attention to all your senses. Be here now.

It's not about the fear

Fear is something with which we all deal from time to time. It can be absolutely debilitating and immobilizing if we let it. Not one of us escapes its grip. But I really like what poet and novelist Audre Lorde had to say about fear: "When I dare to be powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." Yes, it's not the fear that's important; it's the vision, the service you are offering that's key.

In fact, I heard something last week that also resonated: When fear does come calling, acknowledge it. Look it in the eye; do not ignore it. Fear is like a mischievous toddler and if ignored, will only act out even more to get your attention. So do acknowledge it. Tell the fear that you see it but that you're just fine, thank you very much. And just keep moving forward.

But here's the part I really liked about what I heard: Place your focus elsewhere and not on the fear. Find something in the dream or project or task you're pursuing or undertaking (and which is bringing up the fear in you) that can totally absorb you, that lightens your heart or engages your passion. Focus on that and not on the fear. It can shrink your fear down to a more manageable size. For example, some time ago when my fear grabbed me by the throat before a keynote talk I was to present, I greeted my fears and then shifted my focus to all the women to whom I would be speaking and the fact that each one would be coming with hopes, dreams and needs. I focused instead on wanting to inspire each woman and give her something she could take home that would motivate her. That didn't necessarily remove my fear—but it certainly made it manageable.